CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:Kimbap

“Aish! Is so damn hot in here.”

There was no lie in those words. It was hot. Summer was supposed to be hot therefore the whole dorm held a delicate but suffocating heat. Even if the sensation wasn’t comfortable there wasn’t much they could do about it. It wasn’t like their air conditioner suddenly broke but that Infinite had been instructed to not put the air conditioner too cold. Avoid it if possible. Everyone except WooHyun went for the second option.

“Stop complaining and take a shower to cool off, WooHyun,” Hoya, who had his hair tousled, said as he directed himself to the kitchen. Boxers were his only attire. 

WooHyun groaned at the demand throwing himself again to the sofa; his sweated skin sticking to the leather.

It was the second night he had spent in their living room. Sharing a bed with DongWoo wasn’t comfortable and he wasn’t willing to go back to his old bedroom. 

“It’s really hot!” WooHyun whined for the nth time.

“Then shut up and go turn it on.”

As soon as WooHyun heard that raspy voice he sat up straight. His eyes lost no time into meeting the ones of SungGyu before they went to the floor. Somehow the leader’s gaze and his past words made WooHyun feel uncomfortable. Childish.

As the young men arrived to the dorms after their individual schedules the day before, they had been informed of the air conditioner matter. SungGyu, being sick already, was a lot more sensible to the faux climate so they had to be careful. Still, it was July and the weather was unbearable. Unlike the other members, WooHyun had been the only one that complained about it.

The serious gaze the leader had directed at WooHyun turned into a glare. In a way, he was mad at WooHyun for acting so selfishly but on the other side, SungGyu felt bad. Not because he was sick but because WooHyun was right. It was hot and thanks to his sickness everyone, not only WooHyun, had to bear the difficult weather. At the moment SungGyu felt like a nuisance to the younger members.

 Deciding to ignore WooHyun, SungGyu crossed the hall to reach the biggest bedroom where the remaining three members were. No one told him to do it. No one told him it was his duty as the leader but still, SungGyu felt the responsibility to check on the younger members. Mad or not, he had to be sure they were awake and ready for their different schedules.

The door was already opened so he assumed they were already awake but there was no sound coming from the bedroom. Having DongWoo and SungYeol in there made it the loudest bedroom, whatever time of the day it was.

Just as SungGyu was about to push the door to open it wider he stopped. He didn’t know exactly why but he found it impossible to move as his eyes recognized the scene inside the bedroom.

As usual, MyungSoo was still asleep on his stomach with his foot slightly falling from the bottom bed. Next to him, close to his head, was kneeling a silent SungYeol.

It might have seen normal, common in their lives, but there was something in the way SungYeol was looking at MyungSoo’s sleeping face that made it completely different, special.

Something inside SungGyu tightened when SungYeol raised his hand to reach for MyungSoo’s face.  Those long fingers stopped in the air just as a painful frown painted the taller man’s features.

“SungYeol,” SungGyu found himself calling out the younger male’s name that quickly turned to see him. The frown that had been on his face turned into a surprised look.

“Hyung,” SungYeol breathed as he stood up; the sound that his beige capris made covered the room. “I-I was about to wake MyungSoo.”

“Good.”

There was a small silence between them as SungGyu eyed DongWoo’s bed. The second oldest member was already out of it.

“Right, Hyung?” SungYeol suddenly said as he walked towards the leader. “Are you feeling better?”

That simple question brought a soft smile to SungGyu’s lips. “I guess. I don’t sound that bad, right?”

SungYeol could only smirk as he shook his head slightly before the two of them ended up grinning in relief. This was the first time after Inkigayo that SungGyu felt relaxed, all thanks to the tall young man in front of him. Who would’ve thought that SungYeol, the one that was having it worst in the group, was making SungGyu feel better?

While they were goofing SungGyu felt a hand on his shoulder. When he turned to see the owner of the hand he saw DongWoo with a small towel over his hair. SungGyu’s happy features changed into a stiff look.

“I need to pass,” DongWoo said as he made his way between them to his closet.  Without hesitation the dancer reached for a simple white shirt. “Didn’t you wake MyungSoo?”

“I was about to,” SungYeol knew the question was directed at him.

“DongWoo, don’t lose too much time. Remember Hyoan-hyung comes for you at seven,” SungGyu said with his raspy voice but DongWoo never turned to look at him.

“I know.”

The relationship between the oldest members was still difficult. After the last incident DongWoo had stopped acting against SungGyu. He hadn’t tried to do something in their promotions and they had kept a controlled working relationship whenever they had to promote together.

DongWoo’s actions might have lowered since SungGyu got sick but that was just a theory. Still, with or without those rebel acts, it was obvious the broken relationship both males had; SungGyu acting carefully around DongWoo and the younger trying his best to not make contact with the leader.

“Wake MyungSoo,” SungGyu ordered SungYeol as he gave one last glance at DongWoo.

As he walked out of the biggest bedroom SungGyu couldn’t stop from feeling tired; tired of the tense atmosphere, tired of being mad at others, tired of the simple thought of promoting. Even if he was listening to WooHyun and Hoya fighting he just ignored them as he crossed back to his bedroom. He didn’t feel like stopping them despite him being the reason of their arguing.

Listening to Hoya say to WooHyun the things he couldn’t made SungGyu feel worse. He couldn’t give his feelings much thought since the youngest member appeared in front of his bedroom’s door. His big eyes looking carefully at him.

“The shower’s free now, Hyung,” SungJong said while combing his wet hair, his orbs still on the leader who had entered the room.

“I showered yesterday night,” SungGyu commented while he reached for a cheetah printed shirt. Quickly he threw it back to his closet.

“Right…” SungJong bitted his lip before they heard a loud groan from HoWon. Their argument resounded in the whole dorm. “Do you have something scheduled before Show Champion?”

“Just two interviews,” SungGyu murmured when he finally decided to wear a black stamped shirt. His eyes lifted from it to SungJong who had a delicate worried expression on his face. “For magazines.”

Just as the last part was said the maknae’s features softened. “That’s good. You’ll be able to rest a bit.”

“Rest?” SungGyu snorted before he raised his hand. “Stop chatting and get ready. You’re the first one to leave with DongWoo.”

SungJong huffed as he walked out of SungGyu’s bedroom but stopped in the entrance.

“Hyung?” SungGyu turned to meet the youngest male’s wondering eyes. “How do you do it?”

“What?”

“Remembering all of our individual schedules even though things aren’t good between the group,” SungJong said slowly, as if trying to find the right words.

 “Yah, Lee SungJong. Go get ready and stop asking obvious stuff,” SungGyu shooed the maknae who took some seconds to obey.

A quiet sigh was released when SungGyu found himself completely alone in his bedroom. Without much intention he changed into his clean clothes but just when he was about to button his jeans he stopped. His eyes piercing the metallic button.

“Because I’m an idiot.”

Infinite’s morning passed quickly after other loud noises – courtesy of Hoya and WooHyun – and quick movements. That Thursday wasn’t going to be as chaotic as the day before since they had the evening busy with Champion Show. The morning was filled with just a few simple promotions for a few members while others just had one or two like SungGyu or Hoya.  

While the active members of Infinite were working hard for the group’s comeback SungYeol was left to keep up the hard work with his intensive schedule. Whether it was done to punish SungYeol or help him, he didn’t really know. Nor he cared. He kept giving his best to it so he could become a better idol and be helpful for the other members.

From his acting course he went straight to his Chinese lessons. In both of them he had tried to keep concentrated and pay full attention to what was being taught to him but it didn’t really go as planned. Not when his mind kept rewinding what he had witnessed that morning.

Ever since he came back to the dorms he had noticed the way DongWoo and SungGyu acted. He had seen the way their thoughts crashed and the way the other members kept acting lost between the right and wrong, between their feelings and their duties.

What was worse was the effect his actions had over SungGyu. They had talked a few days ago, his leader had tried to cheer him up and give him strength to go and confront the other members, to open up to them, just because SungGyu wanted SungYeol to feel better. SungYeol knew it. His leader talked to him so he could fix things with the others. So he could gain a bit of the confidence he had lost after the accident. Not because the members had started acting in an unusual way. Not because SungGyu was getting scolded or because he was getting more pressure. No. It had only been for him.

SungYeol had never stopped from feeling guilty.

Groaning at his own stupidity the tallest member of Infinite pressed tightly the white rice he was washing but quickly moved his hands away from it when he noticed the strength he was using was too much for the poor seeds.

After giving too much thought about it, SungYeol had decided to go for kimbap. He knew how hard it was to promote. How tiring it was, physically and mentally.  And he also knew how hungry one got at the end of the day. If he could be helpful in someway to s, SungYeol was going to do it. Feeding his friends with something tasty and filling sounded like a good idea. The problem was that he wasn’t WooHyun when it came to the kitchen therefore, kimbap.

The rice was already in the rice cooker and he was busy cutting the yellow radish when he listened the front door opening. Curious as to know who was the one that had arrived to the dorms, SungYeol dried his hands before walking out of the kitchen. 

“MyungSoo?”

Was the first person that came to SungYeol’s mind when he saw that the door from their bedroom was wide open.

“Ah, SungYeol-ah, you’re here,” that surely wasn’t L’s voice but DongWoo’s. And it got confirmed the moment the older male showed himself. “I thought you were at the agency.”

“I was,” SungYeol murmured as eyed his wrist watch. It was almost three. “What are you doing here, Hyung?”

“I came for some stuff and to grab a bite,” DongWoo smiled sheepishly as he showed his colorful backpack. Both males proceeded to walk outside of their bedroom. “I don’t have anything scheduled until Champion Show.”

“What about the others?”

“Hum, I don’t really know,” DongWoo shrugged before dropping his backpack at the entrance. A small beeping sound burped from the kitchen calling their attention. “Were you cooking rice?”

“Kind of. I just wanted to make some kimbap for everyone,” SungYeol snorted somehow feeling shy. “Want some?”

“Uhn,” DongWoo nodded with a wide smile. 

“But I’m not done yet so give me a hand,” SungYeol grinned as DongWoo’s laughs invaded the dorm.

Of all the members, DongWoo had been the warmest around SungYeol. Their leader was supportive and caring but DongWoo kept treating him as if nothing had happened. He acted around him just like before if not a little bit more friendly. Maybe that was the way DongWoo tried to make it up to SungYeol for not being able to keep him in their Speechless comeback.

DongWoo was too kind for someone too coward like SungYeol.

“Say, Yeol-ah, why don’t I bring this to the set so the others can eat too before we record?” DongWoo proposed as he wrapped tightly a pretty thick kimbap he made. “You know we’re always hungry before performing.”

SungYeol hummed as he munched some unused cucumber. “I guess that could work too.”

The smile SungYeol gave to DongWoo wasn’t answered. Instead a broken one was given.

“If only you could perform with us,” DongWoo sighed as he sat on the stool. SungYeol eyed him carefully, the half eaten cucumber still on his hand. “I wouldn’t mind all of us performing with an empty stomach.”

“Hyung…”

It were phrases like that that made a disgusting hole in SungYeol’s stomach.

“Not having you in the promotions and doing them in small group is tough,” DongWoo kept talking before placing the last wrapped roll with the others. “It just doesn’t feel like Infinite anymore.”

SungYeol frowned. “It is Infinite.”

DongWoo shook his head helplessly. “SungGyu said it before, that we aren’t Infinite because Infinite is formed by seven members. God, if only we’ve waited for you—”

“No!” SungYeol’s voice rose as he stood from the stool. “Everything but that!”

The older male got surprised by the sudden outburst. A moment ago SungYeol had been his usual self and now he was breathing heavily while a disoriented look covered his gaze.

“We could have waited until your scandal got fixed.”

“Fixed?” SungYeol’s face broke into a painful mask. “This won’t get fixed soon. It’ll take months.  It could take a year for all I know and I couldn’t dare to hold you guys back. Not when we had our comeback right in the corner. We had worked so hard for it and I couldn’t take the opportunity away from you.”

“That’s right, we. You’re included in it—”

“But I ed it all up, Hyung! I did it. I! Not you!”

SungYeol hit the table before letting his body fall on the stool. His crestfallen image reminded DongWoo the days when SungYeol wasn’t able to sleep.

“It was an accident,” DongWoo tried to console the taller male.

“You can’t say it was an accident when I was the one that provoked them.” It was difficult to say it but SungYeol managed to murmur it. As he said it a mixture between shame and freedom overcame his senses.

“What?”

“That time I called Gyu-hyung to tell you what had happened that night,” SungYeol’s said as his fingers dug between his hairs. His orbs were hidden by his fringe. “I told him not to tell you everything because I was ashamed. Because I feared you would question my actions…”

The only thing that could be seen from SungYeol’s face was that sour smile before he finally lifted his gaze, not to the dancer but to the packed kimbap. DongWoo’s eyes didn’t go for the food, they kept looking at the tall male in front of them.

“SungGyu-hyung told me several times that I shouldn’t be scared. That you guys would understand. That I should speak up to you all,” SungYeol snorted messing up once again with his hair. “You know? The morning after the scandal he went right away to our CEO just to inform him that Infinite was going to wait for me. I bet he didn’t even talk it out with any of you.”

DongWoo’s eyes opened as he heard those words. SungYeol was right.

“But I didn’t want to. I told JungYeop-nim that Infinite should continue without me,” SungYeol sighed as his fingers played with a lost grain of rice. “I didn’t want to make things worse for the group but it seems Infinite keeps falling apart and I can’t stop feeling it’s all my fault.”

“That’s not true.”

“You said it yourself.” SungYeol finally met DongWoo’s eyes. The action had been so quick DongWoo got startled. “If I—If I tell you. If I speak up will things get better?”

His voice sounded innocent and fearful. SungYeol could feel himself walking on broken glass as he spoke. Even if he didn’t like it he couldn’t take his eyes off of DongWoo’s. He was trying hard to find something in them. Hope? Understanding maybe?

“I don’t know if things will get better,” DongWoo softly spoke after a while. “But if you want to, you can talk to me and I’ll try to understand.”

The words felt like a bucked of cold water thrown at him. Not because they were kind, but because it had been so obvious DongWoo was going to give him that answer. How had he dared to doubt of the older man? Now shame and hope were mixed in SungYeol’s insides.

“Those guys that chased me. The one that died and the one that pressed charges against me, Kang ChanJin,” SungYeol could feel his palms sweating and he could listen to his words tremble. His jaw couldn’t stop shivering “They were in a relationship.”

DongWoo took the silence to ask. “You were in that kind of…?”

“No. I just happened to see them there,” SungYeol closed his eyes tightly as he passed with difficulty some saliva, “acting so free and careless. Showing off what they could do and I couldn’t.”

Now SungYeol didn’t dare to lift his gaze. He didn’t want to see the judging look on the older member’s face. The disgusted gesture. SungYeol knew there was no need to keep explaining since it was pretty obvious what happened after that. And even if it wasn’t obvious it didn’t really matter. But just to make it clear, SungYeol breathed unwillingly.

“I like men.”