There was nothing more I could do. I just nodded my head, stood up and walked out not even daring to take my eyes of the ground and look up. My eyes were burning. Legs lead me on their own. I just walked, not knowing my destination. The new clause he put in our agreement broke me down. I was okay with his cold treatment. I was okay with all hate. I was okay with little amount of time we got to spend together. I was okay with all of that because I knew I have him. I have this one person beside me. Although he didn’t care much about me, just his presence gave a bit light to my heart. Even with his variable attitude, when he is treating me like nothing but then is so sweet that my heart melts. I knew he will be with me, so I didn’t mind, still hoping his bad side will fade away completely as times go by. But now I don’t have a hope. I can’t have it. Jongin will be taken from me. I won’t be having anyone. I will be alone. Again. What will be there for me? What will be to come for me? I can as well die now because my parents won’t let me live after divorce. And when they find out I was the one who filed the papers, I’m sure my death will be slow and painful. Not ending agony, that what is waiting for me. Not only my heart will be in pain but also my body. It would be better to lose him for another woman. It would be better to lose him because of lack of feelings for me. But losing him because of his own will to do so is too saddening and painful. What am I going to do? I’m going to lose the only person I care about. The only person that my heart is longing for.

After quite a time I calmed down. My thoughts stopped running through my head with the speed of light. Right now I wasn’t thinking about anything. I didn’t have to look around to know the place I’m in. Even if my view was blurry and I didn’t know where I was going, I exactly knew where I got to. I was sitting on the bench in the park I always visit. Head hung low, tears dripping on my legs. This whole time I didn’t make a sound and tears just flowed. But there weren’t many of them left. Just from time to time, when I blinked one single drop escaped my eye.

Suddenly something cold touched my cheek. I looked up with eyes wide open. It was Luhan with an ice cream in his hand. Seeing this angelic face felt as right as rain. My shattered heart was brought back to life just by looking at his pretty features.

He seemed to be shocked seeing me like this. His expression showed it all. But I didn’t gave him time to ask or react. Then, I just needed some warm and comfort. I got carried away, not thinking. I stood up, pressed my forehead to his chest and lightly dart my fingers into his shirt.

Tears started dipping the sidewalk and I let out few quiet sobs. Luhan remained motionless. I learned then that hugging to someone makes me cry even harder so I shouldn’t do that again. I released his shirt and took a few steps back, wiping wet traces from my face with hands.

‘Forgive me. I did what I wanted not thinking about your comfort. I’m sorry, Luhan-ssi.’

‘N-no. It’s fine,’ he laughed oddly and scratched the back of his head. As the awkward silence started to sneak in he spoke again, ’Here. Eat this,’ and gave me an ice cream. ‘I hope it will cheer you up.’ I nodded my head and took it.

He then sat on the bench so I did the same. Apparently Luhan wanted to give his best in not letting me and himself feel strange because he proceeded to blabber some nonsense stories, laughing from time to time. I couldn’t help it, even if my eyes were burning red from crying like a baby a while ago, my lips formed a smile and I chuckled from time to time as well. But the truth is I wasn’t paying much attention to the words he said. His face was enough for me to feel better. I was looking at his sparkling eyes, lovely smile, listening to his mellow voice and already felt at ease.

How can a boy be so sweet.

‘I’m glad you are smiling again,’ he said.

Just your efforts make me smile.

‘Should I make you laugh now? Maybe dance?’ there was no time for response as Luhan stood up and showed short cute dance. But quickly stopped and sat back, while laughing off the abashment. ‘I guess it wasn’t the best idea. Ah, it was embarrassing. But still, I managed to take away your tears. I’m happy with it.’

‘Thank you, Luhan-ssi.’

‘Ah, I told you to call me oppa.’

‘I thought you were joking.’

‘Well, I admit that I said it then on purpose because I partly wanted to piss off Jongin a little bit,’ he giggled, ‘but it wasn’t a lie. I was being honest. You should stop it with polite language. We are friends now.’ My heart pounded harder and I felt warmth on my cheeks, as happiness exploded inside me. I have a friend now. ‘So, since we cleared it all up and are friends I just wanted to say… that… Um…‘ he rest his elbow on his knees and looked at his shoes. Suddenly his tone and face were serious. ‘I won’t ask why were you crying. If you feel comfortable enough I hope you will tell me then. But now I’m content that I managed to cheer you up,’ smile reappeared on his face and he stood up. ‘Unfortunately, I have to go now. I’m sorry. And don’t you dare to cry when I’m not around, understand?’ He jokingly threaten, pointing with finger. I laughed at his cuteness.

‘I understand,’ I replied and struggled with myself if to say it or not. But I really badly wanted to use that word, so I added, ‘o-oppa,’  hiding embarrassment behind another laugh. With the heartwarming smile of his, he weaved his hand and walked away.

How great would it be to have a boyfriend like this.

***

I wasn’t afraid that much anymore. I still didn’t want to lose Jongin but after hearing the word friend coming out of Luhan’s mouth the fear of being alone disappeared.

I sighed heavily looking at the sheet of paper in the place that I suppose to put my signature. When I think of it rationally, what can I do? I can do nothing. I don’t have a power to change his mind. I don’t have any influence on him. This is the thing that he wants, divorce. And he himself admitted that is unhappy in our marriage. Even if I liked him, even if I wanted to scream at that time that it’s not like what he thinks. That I don’t hate situation my parents put me in to. That I have feelings for him and if we try harder we can make things work. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t say a word. I realized that these were only my feelings, not his, and I should deal with them on my own. It wasn’t his problem. Although he was sometimes nice to me, or kind and sweet, making my heart flutter, he still felt nothing towards me and wanted to erase me from his life. Apparently, as soon as possible.

My stomach cramped unpleasantly to these thoughts and single tear escaped from my eye. I immediately wiped it, took a deep breath and reprimanded myself that I promised Luhan not to cry.
I took pen in my hand and signed the agreement.