❛ ChocoXOXO

ChocoXOXO

reviewed by -miracles

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title: 4.5/5

It's quite simple, but I feel that it suits the story since it does have to do with art. However, I think it could've been just a tad bit more creative, and if you used a more descriptive word or so it would make the story appeal more to readers.

f/d: 8/10

I personally believe that all of the author’s notes should be placed in the foreword, otherwise it is distracting to the description—and the description is one of the main/most important parts in your story, so I would most definitely move your author’s notes to the foreword.

You also had two mistakes in the description, which I’ve written below.

1.) “’Do you know why Picasso never managed to hang on to the one he truly loves, even though he dedicated almost every one of his paintings to her?’”

Correction: Because Picasso lived during the past, you want to stay in past tense when you talk about him. Although “hang on” is correct, I think “hold on” would be a better choice of wording. My correction: “Do you know why Picasso never managed to hold on to the he truly loved, even though he dedicated almost every one of his paintings to her?”

2.) “Because his paintings never said I love you.”

Correction: This is merely a small punctuation mistake with quotations. My correction: “Because his paintings never said ‘I love you.’”

appearance: 4/5

I don’t want to criticize you on this, since it is your choice whether you wanted a poster or not, but I still feel as if you could make it a little more pretty; even a simple striped background picture would make it better, and it would definitely appeal more to readers. In addition, for the foreword and description, there wasn’t any need to put “~~~~~~~~~~~~” in front; since you already typed the description in italics, the tilde (“~”) wasn’t necessary at all.

plot: 10/15

Overall, it was rushed, it was dull, and it was painful to read. Some scenes/dialogue weren’t logical either—for example, “’ Do you know why Picasso never managed to hold on to the he truly loved, even though he dedicated almost every one of his paintings to her?’” and “’Because his paintings never said ‘I love you.’’” Although Picasso’s paintings may not have said, “I love you”, there wasn’t any need for it to, since art is about expressing feelings through color and shapes, not words. Your plot was also very predictable—I did like that you used foreshadowing and hinted at the fact that Sehun might be cheating, but Luhan getting teary and insecure? That ruined everything, and not only was the plot corny, it was dull.

originality: 12/15

The fact that you incorporated Picasso and artsy things made me interested in reading on, however, the romantic scenes with Luhan and Sehun felt extremely bland, insipid, and predictable. Really. I knew exactly what was going to happen, and it didn’t catch me by surprise that Sehun cheated on Luhan. Keep in mind, if you want to make the story creative (which you should if you want people to read it), you must add some kind of , and a plot twist (this is optional, but it really makes the story much more interesting—I think you attempted at this, but it didn’t work out).

grammar & spelling: 15/20

Remember, when you’re writing in past tense, you need to stay in past tense unless you’re referring to flashbacks and etc. It is typical and a common mistake to write in past tense and unintentionally switch to present tense, but you should really try your best to avoid doing that, otherwise it makes the story [extremely] painful and agonizing for the reader to read.

Corrections:

1.) “’He is considered one of the most talented artists to ever exist; he has painted over 2,000 paintings and 50,000 works of art.’”

Correction: Since you’re referring to the past and you’re writing in past tense, “’to ever exist’” should be “to have ever existed”. Also, since you placed a semicolon in between these two clauses, there is no need for “he” in front of the second clause, which makes the semicolon altogether unnecessary— using a comma, would work. My correction: “He is considered one of the most talented artists to have ever existed, and has painted over 2,000 paintings and 50,000 works of art.”

2.) “He wondered how someone can be so passionate about one single artist and shivered when he felt a hand snake over to his.”

Correction: Remember, you’re writing in past tense, so stay in past tense (“can” is present tense; “could” is past, which you should be using). In addition, if Sehun is “Luhan’s air”, then why is Luhan shivering when Sehun puts his hand on his? (it’s not very logical, since they’re basically in love). Also, it would be a good idea to show that Luhan didn’t expect Sehun to do this, so I would add the word “suddenly” in as well. My correction: “He wondered how someone could be so passionate about one, single artist, and suddenly jumped (this word doesn’t fit quite well either, but it’s better than “shivered”) when he felt a hand snake over his.”

3.) “’Everyone, turn to page two forty one, you see this painting by Picasso of one of his models? You are to produce a painting of another person, a portrait, try to incorporate your own styles and feelings into this project. It is due in a week. Class dismissed.”

Correction: in the section, “’[…] a portrait, try to incorporate your own styles’” and etc., you use the comma incorrectly again. A comma is used to separate dependent clauses and phrases that need to be connected together, while semicolons connect two independent clauses that usually need to have at least a little bit in common.

Overall, you really need to read over your story and look for places where you use commas and semicolons incorrectly, as well as places where you switch tenses (which is almost your whole story). Reading aloud multiple times does help.

flow: 6/10

The sequence of the scenes—no, the scenes themselves—aren’t very logical. For example, after class ends, Luhan turns to stare at Sehun. Uhhh, who even does that? I can see how you want to show that they’re in love with each other, but the scene feels so corny, and it makes me want to cringe (possibly in disgust from the “corniness”).

You also rushed the pace of the story every now and then, as shown in this section of dialogue— “’Everyone, turn to page two forty one, you see this painting by Picasso of one of his models? You are to produce a painting of another person, a portrait, try to incorporate your own styles and feelings into this project. It is due in a week. Class dismissed.”

I see how you want to speed through the dialogue so it’s not too tedious for the reader, but it just makes everything feel rushed. In situations like this, simply deleting some of the words would be fine (e.g. the teacher doesn’t have to make them flip to that page; he can merely describe what the assignment is). Also, the scene where Sehun gets a call from some girl is too abrupt. Overall, a lot of the scenes were introduced too quickly and were rushed, and because of this, I didn’t want to read it. If you want to slow down the pace more, it would be a better idea to make this story a two shot or three shot, just so you can elaborate and introduce the scenes in more detail.

To be frank, the story was boring. It wasn’t only because of how fast and/or slow the story went, it was mostly the scenes. There wasn’t a , there wasn’t a solution. In addition, what was with the ending—with Luhan thinking that he should’ve acknowledged the fact that nothing lasts forever? What the heck. It doesn’t make any sense at all. I also noticed that you labeled the story as angst, which you shouldn’t have done, because this story leans more toward being fluffy, romantic, and a dramatic story.

All in all, you need to slow down. Yes, I do understand that it’s a one-shot, and you can’t fit much into them, but why not try? Another option would be to simply split the story into a two shot or three shot so the scenes aren’t all over the place.

characterization: 7/10

I didn’t understand the characters at all. At least, I did in the beginning, but once I arrived at the middle and end of the story, I was completely and utterly confused. I understand that Luhan is a bit insecure about his relationship with Sehun, however, since the scene when you introduce the possibility of Sehun cheating on Luhan is rushed and introduced to quickly, it made me more confused over the characters’ personalities. It seems like Sehun is in love with Luhan, but when Luhan finds Sehun cheating on him, you describe how Sehun is “drunk to the soul of his existence”. By saying this, you are also bringing up the possibility of how Sehun could’ve actually just been drunk, and maybe he simply wasn’t thinking right. This is just my opinion, but I do hope you take it into consideration.

overall enjoyment: 3/10

I didn’t like it. The grammar, the plot, and the corny scenes just ruined it for me. Sorry to say, I’m not a big fan of one shots because they’re usually rushed like this, and the plot and order of scenes tend to be illogical and insipid.

total: 69/100

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