Baekhyun wasn’t doing very well.
 

It’s been a few days since his seizure and he comes in and out of consciousness from time to time, but never long enough for a conversation to be held. His father said it’s too dangerous to try to put him under the knife again. But he also said that Baekhyun probably wouldn’t get better without surgery. This felt like the end.
 

A nurse walked in to check Baekhyun’s charts and update them if necessary. She seemed surprised to see me in the room.
 

“You’re still here?” she asked with an eyebrow raised.

“Huh? Oh, um, ye-yeah.” I was shocked at how scratchy my voice sounded.

Her eyebrows creased together as she placed Baekhyun’s charts down. “When was the last time you got any sleep?”

I tried to think back to when I had actually gotten even a blink of sleep. I couldn’t really remember sleeping at all. But I wasn’t going to tell her that. “Last night,” I lied.

She gave me a skeptical glance. “The last time you ate?”

“This morning.” I didn’t lie this time. Baekhyun’s father gave me a hospital card that I could use in the food court whenever I was hungry. Sure, I didn’t eat as much as I probably should have, but it’s not like I was starving myself. I never really felt hungry, but I just ate whenever I started to feel light headed.

“Can I see your hands?” she asked, stepping closer to me.

“Uh, sure…” I said lifting my hands up into hers.

I was shocked to see deep red divots in my palms formed from my nails digging into my skin. I never realized they were balled into fists in the first place.

“Sweetie, I think we should get you checked out by a doctor,” she said, gently placing my hands down.

“What?! No, I’m fine. I need to stay here. I-I can’t leave him,” I said glancing at my limp boyfriend.

She let out a sigh. “Look at that screen right there,” she said nodding to the monitor with incomprehensible lines and codes. “His vitals are stable and everything checks out okay. He’ll be fine if you’re gone for a little bit. Now come on,” she insisted.

I hesitantly stood up and followed her out of the room with one last worrisome glance behind me.

She dropped me off in another room that seemed to be a generic check up room.

“A doctor will be right with you, okay?”

I nodded at her as I clasped tightly onto the chair I was sitting on. My feet were tapping rapidly on the ground and my eyes darted all over the room. I just wanted to be back in Baekhyun’s room again.

The door opened and a doctor stepped in.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Yoon. I’m just going to check out your health, okay?”

Dr. Yoon was average height. His hair was styled upwards and his skin seemed a little too perfect for the job he had. You would think being a doctor would give you at least a few stress lines here and there. He had a wedding band on his left ring finger and his nails looked as if they were filed and buffed. His slacks and even his white coat were wrinkle free and he had designer loafers on. His name tag was exactly parallel and his smile was artificially white. He took awfully good care of himself.

Before he even asked me any questions, he was already writing things down on a clipboard; probably things along the lines of bags under my eyes and divots in my palms.

He took my blood pressure, looked into my eyes and ears with a flash light, and took my heartbeat. He even pricked my finger for a blood test.

“Your blood pressure is unusually high for a girl your age,” he stated. “Do you take any medication? Or do any drugs?”

I shook my head and he nodded. “Your boyfriend being in the hospital seems to be causing some stress on you I assume.” I should have been upset with the fact that this was already a known fact by him, but he was the famous brain surgeon’s son so I guess it was somewhat understandable. “I’m going to prescribe to you a prescription and with rest you should be feeling a lot better than you do, alright?” He scribbled on a sheet and tore it off and gave it to me. “Bring this down to the pharmacy down stairs and they’ll get it for you, okay?” He stood up and I followed suit. “I hope everything goes well with you and your boyfriend.” He walked out of the room, probably having more patients to check out.
 

I glanced down at the yellow paper he had handed to me. I recognized the prescription right away. It was an anti-depressant and an anxiety reducing medication. I was prescribed it shortly after my parents’ and brothers’ incident. I heavily sighed. I didn’t take the medication back then and I definitely wasn’t going to now.
 

I walked back to Baekhyun’s room and set the paper down on the seat next to me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and stared at Baekhyun. He couldn’t die, I thought. There was no way. He was perfectly fine and all he needed was just a little time. Or a lot. But as long as he would be okay, I would wait forever.
 

Not getting any sleep really gives you a lot of time to think about things. It’s kind of like those thoughts you get in your head right before you go to sleep. Deep thoughts manifest in your head because the chaos of the day is all in the past and everything presses down on you in those moments right before you fall asleep. Whether they’re good or bad thoughts, or both, they pass through your mind without permission. It’s almost as if it’s life’s own way of talking to you. Imagine having life talk to you for hours and hours at a time without permission.
 

I thought about what would have happened if I had never went to the city and never tried to pry in Baekhyun’s life. Would he even be here right now? Would he even be alive? Would I have even cared if he was alive?
 

Of course I would. Even if I didn’t know him as well as I did now I would have cared. After losing the closest people in my life, even the news of death of someone I knew nothing of hit me hard. Just the thought of the family’s of the lost ones and the opportunities lost send chills down my spine. Everyone has their story, and it’s terrible that their story can end so abruptly by death.

I thought about Baekhyun’s story. Was he satisfied with the way his life has been so far? He beat cancer and he got a girl that I hope he was satisfied with. Sure, he lost his mom and his sister, and even someone he was in love with, but he’s gotten to do so much with his time. Was that it though? Was this the reason Baekhyun never really had a clear idea of his future?

Was it because he wasn’t going to have a future?

I thought back to Baekhyun’s warning before any of this ever even happened. “Don’t fall in love with me,” he said. Was this what he meant? Did he know this was what was going to happen? He warned me, but I didn’t listen. I stared down at the yellow prescription paper. This “anxiety” could have been avoided and I could be hanging out with Tao at the mall or something.
 

But when I think about it, if I was given another chance to go back and listen to him, I wouldn’t. He could tell me a thousand times not to fall in love, and I wouldn’t hesitate to go against everything he had said. Even if it was painful sometimes, the way I felt about him was an inexplicable feeling that words couldn’t even begin to captivate. I would fall in love with him over and over and over again if I had the chance because he was just that special.
 

I liked the fact that he was so secretive. I learned new things about him every day and everything was so unpredictable. I know I enjoyed the predictable, and knowing everything, but for once I realized that I didn’t even care to know every little detail about Baekhyun because I knew if he told me something he kept from others it was because he loved me and that made all the difference.