What He Left Behind.
Whatever Happened to Saying Goodbye? [Oneshot]
I know I said before that this thing would be chaptered, but I finally finished the editing all in one go so I'm posting it as a oneshot again! Thanks for being patient and thanks for reading! :)
It started with picking the color.
The size.
The shape.
Half-opened or fully opened?
Just simple decisions really. On an ordinary day, I would have even let anyone pick these things out for me.
Perhaps let even Key do it, he was so good at making choices anyway.
He would know what color would go well with my suit, he would know what would be proper, what would look best.
He would know what color would go well with my suit, he would know what would be proper, what would look best.
What about Minho?
After all, his taste was more mature, more manly, more formal compared to Key's...
Hmm...
Or maybe I should just do this on my own, this would be one of the last decisions I would ever have to make anyway.
Sighing, I turned to the man behind the counter, the one who was carrying the clipboard, ready to take down orders.
I smiled at him tightly as an idea formed in my head.
"Sir, do you...happen to have transparent ones?"
"Sir, do you...happen to have transparent ones?"
--
I walked back to our dorm, almost getting lost in the process.
"Where have you been?" Key scolded me, turning his attention away from the TV show they had been watching.
"Walking around." I shrugged dismissively, placing my bag down on the table.
"Please tell me next time when you're going out, you can at least text me, it doesn't cost much, you know!" Key sounded stern but I can clearly hear the concern underlining his tone of voice.
"What are you, my mother?" I huffed at him, earning a reproachful look from our leader.
Key glared at me then, "Fine! I won't search for you the next time you go missing for five days again, you idiot!" He crossed his arms and stared hard at the television screen.
I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed.
My five-day absence which had everyone worried;
how Onew hyung had gone out to search for me nonstop, taking the whole matter in his hands before collapsing at the actual fifth day and letting our manager know,
how Key had gone into hysteria, calling all our close friends up and getting so worried that he forego his routinely night baths to sit in the couch in our living room, waiting for me to come home,
how Minho had gotten angry, punching the walls, and hardly speaking, cursing me and later on cursing whatever had happened to me to make me disappear without a word just like that,
how Taemin had reverted back to his young self, crying every night and praying that I was safe, that I would come home.
I did come home.
After five days.
With rumpled clothes, looking unshaven, unkempt, sunken, and low.
It sent Key into more fluttering hysteria, Onew hyung to very worried tones, Minho to a freezing shock, and Taemin to joyfulness that I was finally home.
I had to assure them again and again that I was all right, that I was so sorry; it was really stupid of me to go missing like that without a word to anyone.
I told them that I lost my phone and didn't have my wallet with me to buy a new one.
"Why didn't you at least call us from somewhere?!" Minho was so frustrated.
"Sorry." I mumbled again.
"Sorry? We have fans everywhere, Jonghyun hyung! Not only that, practically everyone in South Korea knows who you are, a thousand of those people could've easily lent you their phone so that you could make a call!" Minho was fuming.
"What? And risk giving away your personal numbers? You want sasaeng fans or something?!" I retorted and Minho had grabbed my collar, frustrated with my rude and careless answer, although he didn't utter a word.
He only punched me.
One strong punch to my face for all the worry and fright I had put them through.
Key screamed and Onew hyung had to pull him away immediately after.
"I just needed to get that out." Minho breathed hard and stormed up the stairs.
I held the side of my face, flinching from the strong impact and hobbled over to the couch while Taemin went to fetch an ice pack.
I went to my own room after, with no more explanations to anyone.
"Jonghyun...where have you been? What happened?" Onew hyung asked me calmly that night--after insisting a talk with me in my room--his eyes carefully trained on me.
I kept my eyes down.
"I'm really sorry, hyung..."
"I'm not asking for an apology, Jonghyun. I want an explanation." I have never heard him more serious.
"I..." I bit my lip hard, feeling tears prick my eyes.
"I...went home."
"To your house?" Onew hyung looked at me suspiciously.
"...Yes." I gulped my sobs down.
There was silence, one that was long enough to make me think that Onew hyung already understood and would finally leave me alone.
I needed time. More, more time.
Onew hyung finally heaved a long sigh and looked down at his hands which he had been lacing and unlacing the whole time.
"Why are you lying, Jonghyun?" He asked in a whisper, not looking at me at all.
"W-What?" I looked at him sharply, wondering how he knew.
"Lying. Why are you doing it?" He looked up at me to stare, his eyes were questioning and hurt.
I bit my lip again.
"I...I...I wasn't lying!" I tried to deny it again.
He gave me an empty smile, "We called your house Jonghyun. Everyday. Your mom was worried sick, she was crying."
I looked down at my feet and closed my eyes.
Is there even any way out of this?
Do they need to know?
Is there even any way out of this?
Do they need to know?
Do they?
I don't want them to suffer with me.
I don't want them to treat me differently.
I just...
I just want things to be okay again.
"What is it, Jonghyun?" He asked me again, concern of a hyung and a leader written all over his face.
That made me break down.
They don't deserve this...
Our leader doesn't deserve this burden...
"I..." I swallowed hard as everything came back to me.
How I froze in place in shock when I heard those words.
How I ran away afterwards, running to wherever my feet can take me.
I didn't care if anyone recognized me, all I know was that I collapsed inside a tunnel, crying my lungs out for God knows how long.
After that, I got so afraid to go back, I wasn't ready to face anyone.
So I trudged away on my own, and decided to spend the night in a cheap, tacky motel that I knew no one decent, or at least, one with money, would go to spend the night.
I ended up staying for five days though, drinking water and stale coffee and at the fifth day, finally giving in to the continuous rumbling of my stomach, I bought instant ramen from the convenience store across the street.
I took my baths in a daze, brushed my teeth without much energy, even tried to read the bible inside the drawer, without really seeing the words.
But every night...every night I would stare at the ceiling, wondering about what I should do, trying to weigh all the pros and the cons, only to decide whenever the sun rises that my situation didn't have any pros at all.
I turned off my phone, didn't shave, no comb touched my hair, and I kept myself inside the blankets all day, crying myself to sleep every night.
It was the fifth day when I decided to go back, finally admitting that I can't do it this way forever.
I have to go out.
I have to come back and explain.
I have to do this.
"Jonghyun?" Onew hyung's voice broke into my thoughts, making me jump a little.
"I..." I my lips and tried my best to retain my eye contact with my leader.
"I...broke up...I mean, Se Kyung...she broke up with me." I confessed in a whisper.
Onew hyung only heaved a deep sigh and placed his arms around me in comfort.
"Jjong..." He looked at me sadly.
"I'm so sorry...I know you love her so much. I'm sorry this had to happen..." He murmured and I nodded sullenly.
"Jonghyun, I know this is a hard time for you, and I guess I can kind of understand why you ran away like that, but I wish you realized sooner that we would have been there for you at that difficult time. We wouldn't leave you at all, we would have helped you cope through it." He said gently and that was finally the time that I turned to him, my hyung, and cried fully in his arms.
No words felt more sincere.
Now if only...
I could do the same for him.
--
The next day, all the members treated me so nicely, even Minho, who just yesterday, punched me with so much anger.
"Hyung," he began, looking awkward.
"I'm really sorry...about...uh..."
"Hyung," he began, looking awkward.
"I'm really sorry...about...uh..."
"Yeah." I smiled at him understandingly.
"No problem. I was rude to you anyway. I deserved it."
Minho smiled in relief and slipped a red envelope in front of me.
"What's this?" I asked in curiosity.
"Tickets." He looked a little embarrassed.
"Tickets?"
"Yeah. To that new movie you've been begging to see. I got tickets. For all of us. Maybe we could go later." He shrugged.
I opened the envelope, and true enough, there were tickets to that sold-out movie that I've been wanting to see so badly.
"Cool!" Taemin grinned.
"I can't wait!"
I smiled at Minho, "Thanks."
"Sure." He nodded.
"I figured you needed all the distractions you can get, especially with what happened with you and..."
"Yeah. Why didn't you tell us huh, dino?" Key in, frowning.
"I could have given her a piece of my mind! No one dumps my puppy and gets away with it!"
He fumed and we all chuckled.
"Revenge is always sweet, Key." Minho smirked.
"Does that mean you're in?" Key raised an eyebrow smugly.
"Hey!" I said in alarm.
"No revenges. Please. She's a girl...and...it was kind of mutual anyway."
"Mutual?" Taemin snorted.
"Yeah, I can see it's mutual all right. Did she run away and disappeared for five days as well?" He asked pointedly and I looked away.
"Taemin..." Onew berated our maknae gently.
"Sorry." He shrugged.
"I didn't like what she did, that's all. It must've been a horrible break-up! Did you cry when she told--"
"So what time is the movie?" Onew hyung suddenly asked, cutting Taemin off while throwing him a dirty look.
"3:30 PM." Minho answered and I heaved a sigh of relief for the distraction.
There are things that I just really want to forget.
But how could anyone forget something that's actually attached to him already?
--
We went to the movies as a group, causing much chaos in the mall and in the theater.
But I wasn't irritated. I wasn't annoyed. I wasn't bothered at all when our fans came up to us and squealed, asking for autographs, pictures and hugs.
I did every single request that was aimed at me with much gusto.
I just really want to show SHINee World how much they mattered to me.
I remember then, that was when Minho was slightly annoyed because we missed the movie since I insisted on finishing up with my fans, asking them how they were, singing for them, and just talking.
The members couldn't very well leave me in that state so they stayed all throughout, also entertaining and interacting with our fans.
That was the most memorable movie trip I've ever had.
Not to mention, the best.
--
Onew hyung and I spent a lot of time with each other.
Each day, he would survey me, trying to see if I was feeling better, if I was moving on.
I tried my best to act the way I was before, I joked around, was still so hyper, and I was always going around, hugging and trying to kiss (much to their annoyance) my members.
I did things randomly, I tried to be the fun and lovable Jonghyun that they've always known.
I know that I said that I'm doing this for Onew hyung,
but mostly...it was just me desperately trying to make things go back to the way they were before.
--
I felt dizzy.
It wasn't the normal dizziness that you get when you spin round and round, it wasn't the one that suddenly shoots up in your head once you stand up too fast after lying down for some time.
It was the painful kind of dizziness, one that had me closing my eyes in utter pain.
So why wasn't it a headache?
No, it was definitely dizziness.
The room felt like it was spinning, like I was on a turbo rollercoaster with so much loops.
Except that it wasn't fun.
There were no seatbelts, and I knew, this one would run for a long, long time.
I clutched the person in front of me, I had no idea who, we were in the backstage, it was dark, and the pain was blinding enough.
I gritted my teeth together, desperately trying not to make one sound.
The pounding in my head got more intense, my surroundings were blurring more, and before I knew it, I felt faint.
*/CRASH!
--
I woke up.
My eyes fluttering open, I lifted my head slowly to see that we were still in that dark backstage, and everyone was crowding around something else.
No one noticed I out.
For how long? Probably just seconds, otherwise, someone would've probably noticed.
Thanking the high heavens for this of luck, I got on my wobbling feet as fast as I could and went to the source of the commotion.
"Aish! Onew hyung!" I heard Key complain.
"Sorry!" a bright, laughing voice broke out, and sure enough, there was Onew hyung, sprawled out with the stage props scattered all over him and the floor.
He didn't seem hurt, thank goodness, he must've slipped at the same time I out and caused so much of a commotion, enough to make a distraction.
As I watched him stand up with the help of Minho, and smile sheepishly while bowing to everyone and trying to fix the mess, I found myself appreciating for once this side of Onew hyung.
I never knew that clumsiness would be something of a savior.
--
"Come on, hyung! I thought you were tougher than that?" I whispered to him that one time when I caught him crying in the car after our rehearsal because he sprained his ankle.
He looked up at me through his tears,
"Leaders are allowed to cry too, Jonghyun."
I sighed and sat beside him.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way..."
"I know." He sighed as well and wiped away the stray tears in his face.
"Jonghyun," He looked at me seriously.
"I know I'm the leader that's why I needed to be strong for you guys all the time. But I hope...I hope that you know that I have my weaknesses too. I fail a lot of times and I'm always sorry for it."
"Hyung," I scolded him softly.
"No one's blaming you for anything...it's perfectly fine with us if you mess up sometimes--"
"I know." He stopped me and looked at me steadily.
"But I still need to ask this favor from you."
"Favor?" I gulped.
"A favor." He confirmed.
"You need to be strong, Jonghyun."
"W-What?"
"I know it's asking a lot..." He sighed, looking up.
"But sometimes, it gets hard for me too. But being the next oldest after me, I'm hoping...I'm hoping that you would help me out. Even a little." He looked at me pleadingly.
"Just stay strong, Jonghyun. So that even if I break down sometimes, we can still hold up, because you're there, steadily protecting the group. I'm the first liner in this battle, I know, and I'm going to do my best to protect you, but you, as the second liner, you need to protect the next ones. The next members. You need to be strong for them too. Especially for our fans." He said softly.
"Do you understand?"
I looked down at his sprained leg and felt heaviness inside my heart.
How long has Onew hyung been keeping this?
Why wasn't I there helping him?
Why do I continue to be a burden?
Why does he say these things when it's too late already?
"I...I'll try my best, hyung." I choke out, trying not to cry.
To be strong.
"I promise."
He smiled kindly and gave me a hug.
"I don't know if I said this before...but thanks for coming back, Kim Jonghyun. Thanks for staying with me and not giving up."
That night, I ended up crying so hard in my bed.
Because it was only then that I realized that...
Pretensions, keeping it all in.
They hurt. Really bad.
--
"Mr. Kim Jonghyun?"
"Yes?"
"We would just like to confirm that your order has arrived. It's transparent as you specified."
"Okay. Thank you so much. I trust that you will be keeping it until the time comes that I need it, right?"
"Yes, of course, sir."
"And the...uh...instructions I wrote down before...do you guys still have it?"
"Yes sir. It's in our files, do not worry."
"Okay...thanks. Again. For keeping it...and...not telling anyone..."
"No problem, sir. It is an important thing, after all."
"Y-Yeah...Thanks again."
--
My next goal was Taemin.
After all, I wanted to keep my promise to Onew hyung for as long as possible.
After all, I wanted to keep my promise to Onew hyung for as long as possible.
"Hey, Taem!" I called out to him.
"Yeah, hyung?" He took off his headset and looked up at me.
"Do you need anything?"
"Yeah..." I smiled.
"You."
"Hm?" He pointed to himself, looking so cute.
"Uh-huh." I smiled, "Care to come with me to the studio?"
--
"So why are we here?" He asked, fiddling with the blinds in the room.
"We're going to practice, Taemin." I placed my bag down on the floor.
"Practice?" He turned to me, puzzled.
"Yes." I nodded. "We need to make sure that golden voice of yours stays golden."
"We're going to practice, Taemin." I placed my bag down on the floor.
"Practice?" He turned to me, puzzled.
"Yes." I nodded. "We need to make sure that golden voice of yours stays golden."
"What?" He stared at me.
"Are you..."
"Yep." I smirked. "Starting today, I'm going to teach you every single thing I know about singing."
"Hyung." He breathed, looking touched.
"Seriously?"
"Sure." I nodded.
"What for? Why are you doing this?" He still seemed gobsmacked by my intent.
"Because..." I looked down, kicking at imaginary dirt.
"Because...you're SHINee's Taemin." I smiled at him.
"Next in line after me in having the high voice. We need to make you as good as me. Make you...shine brighter." I grinned.
"As good as you?" He looked at me in disbelief.
"I'm sorry hyung, but no way can we achieve that. You were born with that voice and I wasn't. It took me a lot of vocal training and practice and..."
"And nothing. Don't doubt Taemin. You already have the two things you'll ever need to succeed in this career anyway."
"What?"
"Talent and determination."
"Hyung..."
"Okay," I clapped my hands loudly and smirked at him.
"Maknae Taemin, are you ready to have a voice like Bling bling Jonghyun?" I asked in a game show host voice.
"I'm ready!" Taemin saluted me and I grinned widely.
"Then let's start!"
And so, that was the beginning of our daily vocal practice.
Even if we have full schedules, I make sure I train Taemin, even for an hour, or even thirty minutes will do.
He complains about it sometimes, opting to sleep and watch TV, but I remained firm.
"Taemin?" I called out inside Studio D, the place where we both agreed to meet to practice after our grueling dance rehearsal.
I badly wanted to sleep but the desire to teach Taemin everything I know was stronger.
It was the perfect caffeine.
"Taemin!" I poke my head out of the door and shouted again in the empty hallway.
"Lee Tae--"
Suddenly, a wave of smoke seeped outside the closed door of the practice room next to ours and circled in the hallway, entering my nose immediately, and instead of checking the smoke out, I hastily closed the door and inched away from it, coughing roughly all the way.
No. No. No.
No smokes please.
No smokes please.
A splutter of cough invaded my lungs, burning them.
I held on to my throat, trying to ease the burning. Coughing these days was always so difficult.
So painful.
I coughed and coughed loudly and painfully, grabbing on to the ends of my shirt, I covered my mouth with it and coughed, while running to my bag, looking for my water bottle.
Once I found it, I quickly gulped it down, trying not to choke as a stream of cough tried to come out again.
After finishing the whole bottle, I cleared my throat loudly for a number of times and collapsed on the floor, breathing hard.
I held on to my throat, trying to ease the burning. Coughing these days was always so difficult.
So painful.
I coughed and coughed loudly and painfully, grabbing on to the ends of my shirt, I covered my mouth with it and coughed, while running to my bag, looking for my water bottle.
Once I found it, I quickly gulped it down, trying not to choke as a stream of cough tried to come out again.
After finishing the whole bottle, I cleared my throat loudly for a number of times and collapsed on the floor, breathing hard.
I felt like I just ran a marathon.
"HYUNG!" Taemin suddenly burst in the room and I looked at him, my eyes slightly blurring a little.
"Close...the...door." I croaked in a weak voice, as I was still trying to grasp my breath.
"Hyung! Hyung!" Taemin looked panic as he closed the door (thank goodness!) and hurried over to me.
"SNSD's practice room was almost caught on fire!" He looked at me with wide eyes.
Finally having enough breath, strength and calmness, I managed to focus my look at Taemin,
"What?!"
"Yeah! I don't know exactly what happened, the booming system I think...and spilled water." He shook his head.
"But it was stopped in time."
"Oh good!" I said in relief and happened to look at my white shirt in the mirror.
My eyes widened at what I saw and quickly taking action, I took off my shirt despite the coldness of the room.
Can't let Taemin see.
Can't let Taemin see.
Can't let Taemin see.
Can't let Taemin see.
Can't let Taemin see.
"What are you doing, hyung?" Taemin looked at me and the shirt in my hands puzzledly.
"Nothing. I just uh...sweat this shirt through. Got to change immediately!" I lied.
"You shouldn't do that here, hyung. You'll get sick! It's too cold here. I'll have to adjust that temperature a bit..." He mumbled and walked off towards the aircon.
I sighed in relief again as I balled up my shirt and buried it deep under my bag and quickly wore a new one.
"There." Taemin smiled and turned to me.
"Better! Now we can practice."
I nodded and swallowed, my throat felt kind of dry and papery rough.
"Good."
My lungs burned again as I started to belt out the right notes for Taemin to follow.
But that was good.
For once, I'm welcoming the pain.
Because it took my mind off my stained shirt.
And how I had another evidence to get rid of.
--
It got harder for me at times.
I know I should rest properly but I knew I had to fight.
We need to do this.
Because I promised Onew hyung I would protect our dongsaengs.
Because I owe it to SHINee World.
Because in the future, this would help a lot.
After all, Taemin was the one who can hold the high notes as well as I can.
Which only means one thing:
He can easily take my place in no time.
--
"Minho, are you going to the gym?" I asked him on a Saturday morning.
"Yup. You coming?"
"Yeah. I'll just be a sec." I hurried to get my gym bag.
At the gym, Minho and I decided to go on the treadmills first.
This was our bonding, Minho and I.
We would exercise, talk, and catch up with each other.
"Hey, Minho?"
"Yeah?" He didn't look at me and continued to run.
Suddenly, or probably, unfortunately, I spied someone familiar from across the room.
What is SHE doing here?!
I gulped, nervous, and tried to focus on Minho, who was still waiting for my question.
"D-Did you finish that rap you were working on for our next album?" I asked shakily, he was about to answer when I suddenly coughed violently.
He looked alarmed by this since I even almost fell off the treadmill because I attempted to hastily cover my mouth.
"Hyung!" He quickly rushed to my side.
"What is it?! Do you need water?? What's wrong?!" He was panicking so bad, almost as bad as I was panicking inside.
I pressed both my hands towards my mouth more, covering it fully.
I can't let this happen.
No, I'm not--
My eyes, which had been trying so hard to refuse that very action, gave up and focused on someone from across the room, just in time for my coughs to intensify a bit more.
I'm sorry for doing this to you...
Minho followed my stricken gaze and his wide eyes slitted.
"Okay, I see why you're coughing so bad. You saw a ghost." He said in a dangerous voice as he stared at Se Kyung who was calmly doing reps on the mat, it was obvious she hadn't noticed us yet.
I took this opportunity quickly,
"Minho, listen, I just need to go to the washroom, okay?" I said in a muffled voice.
"What?" He looked up at me, his gaze lingering on my hands.
"I said, I'm going to the washroom." I repeated, firmly covering my mouth.
"Do you want me to go with you?" He asked in concern and I quickly shook my head.
"No! I need to do this alone. All right?" I dashed off without hearing his answer.
In the washroom, I finally took my hands off my mouth and stared down at them for a long while.
Stained, dirty, evident.
Anyone seeing this would have known.
This was really a dead giveaway.
I was almost...
I started to cough violently again, my lungs burning as I hurried to the toilets and retched emptily on it.
This happened for a few more minutes, the pain started to intensify in my head.
Once I was done retching, I started to sob heavily, wiping my mouth, and collapsing down on the tiles on the floor, feeling afraid and helpless.
What do I do?
I can't keep on breaking down like this.
I can't. I can't. I can't.
Suddenly, Onew hyung's words echoed in my mind, Taemin's melodious voice, and our fans excited chatter.
I shakily stood up, still sobbing a little, and started to clean up and took deep breaths to calm myself down.
Come on, Jonghyun.
You cannot drag them into this.
I cleaned up my face again and fixed my hair.
Taking a final deep breath, I attempted a smile at the mirror.
It was shaky, but it was better than looking sullen and afraid.
Minho wouldn't suspect anything anymore.
Thanks to...
Se Kyung...
I thought, fazed.
Sometimes, distractions are really a good thing.
--
When I was finally ready, I emerged from the washroom, Minho was waiting for me outside.
"You okay?" He asked, still concerned.
I nodded and cleared my throat.
"Should we go and continue our walking now?" I asked in an attempt to get his mind off what happened earlier.
He shook his head, "I'm not really in the mood anymore, hyung."
"Oh."
"Are you really okay?"
"Of course!" I said in a bright voice and walked off quickly to the locker rooms.
I felt his gaze on me throughout, making me uncomfortable and guilty.
Making me want to spill everything.
"So..." I began, trying to think of something to distract him again.
"Uh...you never told me if you already finished that rap you're writing. How's the progress?" I asked and took my water bottle and notebook and sat on the bench with Minho following suit.
"It's halfway done. Why?"
I nodded, "No reason. I just need your help on something."
"What is it?" He turned his gaze at me to give me his full attention.
"Well..." I looked down at the small notebook in my hands.
"Is it serious?" He asked me after a while.
"Not really..." I bit my lip and continued to fiddle with the notebook's pages.
"I can tell it is." He huffed, crossing his arms.
"Okay, maybe it is kinda serious..." I began.
"Uh-huh...so what is it? Is it about Se Kyung noona?" He raised an eyebrow.
"No." I said quietly.
"No?" He looked faintly surprised, "and it's serious?"
"Not really serious..." I gave him a weak smile. "But still important nonetheless."
He nodded and waited for me to go on.
"I kind of wrote this." I gave him the notebook which contained all my drafts for the songs I'm working on.
He raised an eyebrow at the lyrics, his eyes softening when he read through them.
"It's beautiful...very heartfelt." He smiled, still reading.
"Is it finished?"
"Yeah."
"What's the title?"
"Uhm..."
"Have you even thought of one?"
"Yeah...but..." I hesitated.
"What?" He stared at me.
"I don't know...I'm not sure if it's good enough." I sighed.
"I plan to call it...Honesty." I said sheepishly.
"Honesty? Why that word?"
"That song...it's exactly how I feel about them. That if ever I would be given the chance, I would thank each and everyone of them wholeheartedly." I looked down.
"We have the best fans you know...the best." I said in a tight voice.
"That song doesn't even cover everything I wanted to say..."
"Hyung..." He said gently, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I think your song summed everything up."
I looked at him doubtfully.
"Okay, maybe not everything we want to say, but it captures the most important ones."
"Really?" I smiled, pleased.
"Yeah." He laughed a little. "So...is this included in the album?"
"I don't know. I'll try to convince them to put it in."
"They should. This is a masterpiece."
"So you'll help me?" I looked at him hopefully.
"To talk to them? Yeah. I'm sure Manager hyung would gladly put it in, if not in this album, probably in the repackaged one."
I swallowed, the repackage? How long would that take?
"Listen, Minho," I said urgently.
"If ever this song doesn't make it in this album or the repackaged one, you need to make sure it goes in our future albums. I don't care which album of ours it's placed in, but you need to have it placed. Okay?" I pleaded.
He looked at me quizzically, "Well...okay. I mean, you can always talk to them anytime. It's not like I have to actually be there..."
"Are you saying you won't help me?" I tried to use my superiority.
He shook his head, "No. It was just weird, that's all."
"I don't care if it's weird. Promise me you'll do it!" I looked at him sharply, and for a moment, he looked a little defiant at this.
Minho really didn't like to be bossed around, but this was one instance wherein I needed to do it.
"Fine." He shook his head, "But you know what? You're talking as if you won't be able to do this in the future."
I turned away, my chest heaving.
Minho may not know it, but he unconsciously speaks the truth sometimes.
--
"Mr. Kim Jonghyun?"
"Yes?"
"Your other order has arrived as well. It fits well the measurements you gave sir. "
"Okay...thank you. Store it for me as well."
"Yes sir...and...I know it's none of my business, but I hope...everything would go well."
Silence.
"Sir?"
*/Click.
--
I buried my head in my hands tiredly.
Things were getting worse.
Coughs, headaches, having difficulty breathing, weakening,
continuously weakening...
They have been questioning me about it all the time.
Why do you look so tired hyung?
We've only gotten through the dance once and you're coughing that bad?
Is that ketchup on your shirt?
And each and everytime, I could never find it in my heart to answer those questions honestly.
Not even once.
--
"Key~ come on! Go with me!"
"No!" Key frowned and continued to read the newspaper and sip his tea.
"Pleaseeeee?" I used my puppy eyes at him.
"Kim Jonghyun!" He said through gritted teeth.
"Why is it that you always annoy me these days?!" He frowned.
"Annoy?" I asked innocently.
"How so?"
"Always asking me to accompany you everywhere! Even to the convenience store! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Nothing's wrong with me!" I pouted.
"It's your turn to accompany me, that's all!"
"My turn? My turn?! How come it's always my turn??"
"Please? Just do this for me. Please? Please? Please?" I tugged at his shirt, making him set down his cup in annoyance.
"Where are we going this time?!" He glared at me but this only made me smile.
"Anywhere you like, Key!"
--
I did that to Key everyday. I would ask him again and again to go with me to different places, sure, he was annoyed as hell every single time but he soon got used to it.
He even woke me up once, looking excited,
"There's a sale at the mall today! Let's go! Chop chop!"
And even though I absolutely hate sales, I sprang out of bed and accompanied Key the whole day.
There's only so much time that I can give him.
--
"Key?" I began once, when we were walking home from the park in our neighborhood.
"Hm?" He continued to inspect his nails meticulously.
"Key..." I took a deep breath, wondering if I should tell my bestfriend.
"What?" He finally looked at me, raising both of his eyebrows.
"I'm..." My mouth clamped shut in nervousness, making Key frown.
"What is it Jonghyun?"
"Key, I'm..." I stared at him, thinking of how I'm going to get the words out.
But my mouth won't obey me.
I can't stop feeling afraid for Key. For what he might feel after.
"Are you...going to miss me?" I asked instead.
"Huh?" He blinked.
"When...I'm not by your side...are you...going to miss me?" I asked again.
He made a face. "Pabo. No. I am not going to miss you at all!"
I knew he was just joking around, but at that moment, I wished that Key just told me the truth.
If only for the last time.
--
"Hello?"
"Jonghyun?"
"Oh, Manager hyung? What's wrong?"
"About that song you made..."
"Y-Yeah?"
"I'm sorry, we can't add that to the album right now."
"........"
"Jonghyun?"
"...Why not?"
"All the tracks were already arranged and finalized, we don't have time to fit in another one. Besides, your song doesn't really fit Lucifer's concept."
"Why? Because of the tone? I could fix it. I could make it better. I'll work on it day and night. Please. It's all on acoustic guitar anyway. It will be so easy to rearrange..."
"No...No...it's not that."
"Hyung, please. I'm begging you. Please put my song in the album!"
"Jonghyun, what is your problem? Is it for the payments that you'll receive? You do not need to worry, we are anticipating high album sales--"
"No hyung. It's not that. Please. They need to hear it. Before I..."
"Before you...?"
"......."
"Jjong?"
"It's nothing...just, please. Hyung. I would want our fans to hear it. Please..."
"They will. I promise. Just not at this album. You have so much more albums to make in the future anyway."
"But hyung..."
"Ah, your fans will love you no matter what song it is that you sing. Your songs in the Lucifer album are really great! You even have some love songs there, right? That's all the fans need to hear. So don't worry--"
"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, HYUNG! I WANT THEM TO KNOW WHAT I REALLY FEEL! AND THERE'S NO MORE TIME LEFT!"
"What?...What are you talking about?"
"........"
"Jonghyun??"
*/Click.
--
Our dance practice the next day was more grueling for me.
In the middle of our first practice run for the dance, I already felt so tired but I still tried to keep up.
I was seeing double after 10 minutes, and my chest was heaving so bad.
At the start of our third re-run of the song, I felt it coming again.
I hastily tried to cover my mouth and rush out of the practice room, but it was too late.
I already started to cough violently, trying not to retch as the dizzy feeling returned with an intensity that made me collapse on my feet.
"Jonghyun!" I heard Onew hyung shout as someone stopped the music and they all rushed towards me.
In a panic that they might see, I tried to turn around but failed miserably because I can't stop coughing.
Minho rubbed my back as Taemin went to quickly fetch me water.
"What happened? Did he choke on something?!" Key looked afraid.
My coughing fit finally subsided, and I instantly felt that I had stained my hands again.
In a panic that they might see--that they might know, I tried to get away from them.
"Jonghyun?" Onew hyung was staring at me and I inched backward, further from them.
Go away. Go away.
I don't need you to see this.
Go away.
But Onew hyung stopped me by putting a firm grip on my shoulders.
"Wait." He frowned and tried to take my hand off my mouth but I resisted.
"Jonghyun!" He scolded and pulled my hand away from my face forcefully.
I tried to elbow him in an attempt to stop him, but my weak state did no good in pushing him away from me.
"Jonghyun! Just..."
His face instantly became pale when he saw my stained hands.
"Oh my god..." Key whispered, looking horrified.
My hands, my own hands which I've been trying so hard to keep from them.
They were full of blood.
My blood.
"Jonghyun...what...what... are you sick?" Onew hyung mirrored Key's own horrified face.
"I...I..." I was shaking so badly as I stood up on my wobbling feet, snatching my hands away from his grip and backed away from them like a child caught.
"Hyung..." Taemin looked like he was going to cry.
"KIM JONGHYUN! ARE YOU FREAKING SICK?!" Key shouted at me.
"I..." I sobbed, looking at all of them.
Onew hyung's pale face.
Key's scared one.
Minho's scary blank look.
Taemin's tearful gaze.
"Jonghyun hyung..." Minho took a careful step towards me, breathing hard and looking terrified.
Terrified. He looked terrified.
That's when I decided that I can't take this anymore.
I can't drag them into this.
So I did the one thing I promised them that I would never do again.
I ran away.
--
That night, I came back to the old place again. Because I knew, tonight was the start of the counting.
I woke up at two in the morning, coughing so badly, the pain in my head was intensifying, and I even out for ten minutes.
I cried and cried, seeing the stains on my hands, my shirt, and feeling the burning pain in my lungs that reached even up to my stomach.
I don't want this anymore.
I'm so tired.
Of the pain.
Of hiding.
Of everything.
God, please.
Anyone.
Help me.
--
It was that kind of day again.
A normal, beautiful day.
But it wasn't beautiful.
It wasn't normal.
At least, not for them.
Onew, Taemin, Key, and Minho stood side by side, wearing suits and the same dismal, depressed faces that they've kept on for the last five days.
Onew was consoling a crying Key while trying very hard himself to be composed.
To be strong.
After all, he was the first liner.
--
Minho's hands fisted on his side as he tried to stop the tears, a quiet, dazed Taemin stood next to him.
He was gone.
He was gone.
Just like that, SHINee became four.
No more were they the five shining bright lights.
Because one of them had stopped shining.
Permanently.
He gripped the small notebook in his hands, he wasn't able to let go of it at all ever since he disappeared again.
He had read through all the lyrics, one per day, trying to console himself.
Hyung will come back.
He will come back because his notebook is still here.
Everyone knows that this notebook is the most important thing for him...he'll come back for it, right?
But days went by...then weeks...
Hyung never returned.
Minho had long memorized every word in that little notebook.
He still read them every night, he just couldn't bring himself to stop believing that he'd return, soon.
So he did his best.
He wrote raps for the songs, then he made up tunes for them.
Maybe hyung will be pleased by this once he comes back, right?
That way, we will be able to put in all his songs for the next album.
Then he'll be happy because he was finally able to say what he always wanted to say.
But then...
Minho knew, that these songs would probably sound better, be more touching, will be appreciated more...
If the composer was the one who actually sang them.
--
Taemin has been quiet these past few days.
He has been so, so quiet.
Which was such a stark contrast to how he's always been.
When he had ran away again and everybody searched and had almost lost hope in finding him,
Taemin had been the one who was so positive.
Maybe hyung just needed time.
Maybe hyung stayed with his family.
Maybe hyung just went to his favorite place to calm himself down.
Maybe hyung was at the studio!
Studio A? Studio B? Studio C? Or was it D?
Taemin had searched through all the rooms.
"Hyung?" His voice had echoed throughout the halls of SM's practice rooms.
"Hyung?" He opened the door to Studio D, after all, this was his favorite place, the practice room he had always preferred out of all the others.
"Hyung?" Taemin called out again, feeling his heart tighten inside his chest.
The piano seat was empty.
No bright, tired smiles greeted him.
Not even a stern tone demanding him to practice, practice, practice.
But still, Taemin waited.
He never got tired of going to this room, of waiting.
He never gave up.
He continued to call out for him even after Key had shushed him, had restraint him.
He won't go there anymore, Taemin...
But he never believed it.
He will arrive for practice, right? He always arrived.
Taemin needed to practice. Taemin needed to be as good as him.
So he searched for him, he had waited in the practice room all by himself.
Everyday.
"Hyung?" Taemin called out again, feeling tears slip out of his eyes as he dropped to his knees.
"I'm here. I'm ready to practice."
But then, Taemin knew deep inside...
That practice was already long over.
--
Key bit his lip hard, almost tasting blood.
This was a dream. A dream. Everything's just a long, long nightmare right?
Then he'd wake up.
Then maybe they would resume their search for him again.
Key had planned everything out.
All the places where he might hide in.
He filed them in neat categories, according to location and to the probability of him actually hiding there.
He forgot to tell Onew that they should check the churches too.
They all knew he was an atheist, but when life hands you the greatest challenges, you turn to everyone you can.
Even to those you don't think exists.
Right? Right.
Surely he thinks that way as well?
They would have to check the churches around Seoul, even the small chapels, the temples, every place of worship that they could find.
Maybe they should just check every place?
Right. That was more sensible.
After all, he was the most hyper one out of all of them.
He was always on his feet, always telling everyone to rush, to keep up.
He must be fleeting everywhere by now.
Key shook his head hard.
Not fleeting. Fleeting is for things that fly.
He doesn't fly. Because flying means that...
Well. It means something that Key doesn't really want to think about. So he absolutely forbids the word fleeting.
Perhaps traveling would be a better word? Walking? Running? What else?
Anything. Anything that doesn't mean flying. Or floating.
No. No. He wouldn't allow it.
He would probably just be walking.
After all, he was always so tired these days, that he probably wouldn't think of running anymore.
Right. That way, they'll find him sooner.
Then, when they find him, he'll be the one to scold him first.
Scold him, then maybe hit him a couple of times with his rolled-up magazine for all the scare he put them through.
Then he'll ask if he was okay.
Obviously, he'd be sullen and annoyed at first, but that was okay.
He knew exactly what to do.
He'd let him eat his favorite food first, then he'd let him watch TV in his room, and then when he's finally okay, he'll softly compliment him on that choice of suit he went with.
It really does look good on him.
He'd be pleased of course, and he'd probably brag about how his style was better than Key's but that was okay.
Because it was also the moment that Key will decide to tell him the truth.
That he misses him already.
He misses his bestfriend.
He would always miss his bestfriend.
But then, Key knows...
That no matter how much he hated the idea of him flying around right now, being so out of reach, while they remain down here...
That's most likely what he's doing right now.
--
Onew bowed low at another director who had visited today.
"Thank you for coming, sir." He said in a calm, grateful voice.
How many times had he used that phrase today?
Fifty? A hundred? Or maybe more?
He was tired of it.
But he knew he had to do it.
He was tired of greeting everyone else when the only thing he wanted to do right now was to talk to him.
He badly wanted to ask him so many things.
Why didn't you tell us? Or even to me?
Why did you keep on lying?
Why did you bear this unbelievably hard burden all by yourself?
Why were you such a coward?
He'd ask all those things without really expecting a reply, but that was okay too, because he just needed to get those words out anyway.
After all, what was most important was that he'd apologize.
Say Sorry.
He was the first liner, the one who was supposed to protect, if anything, he even thinks he should be the one lying there, instead of him.
That's how far he would've gone to protect him--them, every single one of them.
"I'm so sorry..." Onew murmured, finally letting a tear slip out.
It was a moment of weakness on his part.
Especially since he had promised himself that only his room would be the one to carry all his tears, hear his sobs, and feel the deep sadness he had harbored in his heart.
He felt so much like a failure.
He didn't even get his own member, one of his closest friends, to tell the most important thing to him, the leader.
What was his use then?
Where had he gone wrong?
He had never stopped searching after he ran away again.
But he created the same mistakes.
They searched the same places they searched before.
They informed their Manager early on too, but that didn't really help.
He had also gotten sick these last few days, because he opted to search instead of eating, instead of sleeping.
Those things were so trivial, so worthless.
They needed to find him. Fast.
He had searched everywhere he could, even asked the fans if they knew anything.
He got tricked lots of times because of this, making him hurt even more.
Then one day, someone called him, he didn't know who.
It was just someone who left the name of a motel with a very short, hesitant apology at the end.
Onew didn't know why in the world would he be at the motel so he ignored it, thinking it was another hurtful prank by an abusive fan.
But he should have known better.
He should've at least given that a try.
Because the next call he had received...
Changed everything about him, about them.
He never stopped crying every night after that.
He badly wished that he wasn't the leader, just so he would be allowed to break down easily.
Just so he would have an excuse for his tears.
He longed for someone to shush him gently, to comfort him, to take the pain of being a leader at this very time for even just a little bit.
It was all his fault.
His very fault.
If only he had given that call a try, if only he never gave up, maybe...
Maybe they wouldn't be in this place right now.
Maybe he wouldn't have to repeat the same phrase over and over again.
Maybe he wouldn't have to cry those tears.
Maybe...they would still be five.
He held the marker in his trembling hands, looking down at the spot reserved for him.
This idea, the transparent coffin, it was something new.
Really, only he would think of something like that.
The marker was for writing the messages, a special request by him, as written on the papers he left to that guy who had approached him not so long ago, so that he would carry all these words and comfort with him on whatever would lie ahead in his journey.
As he read through the messages left by others, he realized that the space left for him was too big.
He only needed a small one.
After all, his message would be short.
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so...sorry.
But then, Onew knew...
That no matter how much he utter or write those words...
It could never change things anymore.
--
He was gone.
Kim Jonghyun was gone.
He had been suffering with this illness for so long.
Had found out about it only at the last stage.
Had been too scared to tell them; for fear that it would affect them in the wrong way.
That's why he decided to take care of everything, secretly arranging for his own funeral; it was unthinkable.
But he also thought it would be better this way.
Then he kept everything to himself, making excuses, lying, even using his old flame as a barrier; a pretend answer to their incessant questions.
But in the process, he had also subtly left them messages, tasks to do until the time comes that he won't be there to do those things anymore.
Onew, to keep on being strong.
Key, to keep on comforting and taking care of everyone.
Minho, to tell their beloved fans what he had always wanted to say.
Taemin, to keep improving, to keep singing in his place.
But then, they all knew...
They could have done all those things better, if he was still there, guiding them.
Or if he even at least said goodbye.
--
It started with picking the color.
The size.
The shape.
Half-opened or fully opened?
and now, it ends with just a single question which they now know, they would never figure out the answer to:
Jonghyun, Whatever Happened to Saying Goodbye?
Thank you so much for reading and your comments. :) Do let me know what you think.
Comments