(Luhan) Log 22
Silver Heart
Emer continues to study. The amount of time she spends in her room preparing for the test is heightened. I do not see her as often as I would like. I do not know if she has chosen to keep the flowers I gave her, or whether she tossed them into the trash.
When I gave them to her, she reminded me that colors are prohibited in the Argent region, but that flowers … flowers were an exception.
That gave me hope. And I hope that she decided to keep them, and that the flowers are leaning inside a vase with a laser of sunlight falling through her window. Are they still as bright as they were when I first bought them? Do they still seem as wild as when I last saw them?
That question holds an answer only Emer would know.
I miss her. A part of me supports her and roots for her future. I want her to do her best on that test. That test determines her life as an independent adult. I want to see her succeed in the path she chooses to pursue.
Yet the other part of me wants to keep her all to myself. I want to ask her to be with me. I want her to study in a place where I can observe her. I want her to try to solve the Rubik’s Cube, and I want her to let me teach her how. And maybe, if she comes downstairs, I would be okay with revealing the secret of my delicious hot chocolate that she loves so much.
I simply want her.
But the things I want should never be something I pursue. My own selfish desires are unimportant. What matters the most is that Emer does what she wants to do, and that she is happy. If being happy means that I need to distance myself, then so be it.
However, that doesn’t make it easy.
It feels as if I am going back to the way things were. I play with my Rubik’s Cube. I accomplish my chores. And I wait.
I should be used to waiting. I was in a closed room for three months. But waiting for the days to pass in such an open space as this gives me a bizarre, unusual feeling of discontentment. I am not doing enough. I find that I am convincing myself to believe in excuses so I can allow myself to act on my own. I am selfish, and even though I understand that selfishness is wrong, it feels right to want something for myself. It’s a strange feeling between darkness and light.
I stare at the tattoo on my wrist. The color of the code has sunk into my skin. I can barely see it.
Does this mean that I have acquired abnormalities? Will the Institute have to fix me? If I go back, will I get the chance to see Emer again?
I am glad that she can’t see my tattoo. If she could, she might worry, and I can’t let her worry about me. She doesn’t need to waste her precious time on an Exon like me.
Emer’s mother returns home from work later and later. The decisions made about the incident in the Market have been announced, and because of that, every Government worker has been put underneath a lot of stress. A bevy of expectations follow their choices as they strive to resolve the issue that could potentially divide the Argent and Brass region, more so than they are now. Questions of equality arise, endangering people’s opinions on loyalty. As a result, the council creates a pact wit
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