She is merely staring at me, and I feel weak. I have never felt weak before. I am not programmed to have any infirmities. I am an absolute creation. But standing beside her right now, with my fingers tingling with the touch of her hair, I feel as if I can test the Institute’s claim of indestructible Exons.

If she looks at me any longer like that, I will shatter.

“Emer … “

“Go away,” she whispers. “Please. Just … please go away.”

I don’t move. She breathes in a quivering sigh before she turns around and walks away from me. I watch her until she leaves my sight, and only then do I bury my face in my hands. My fingers are cold against my skin, and I hate the sensation. I wish they were warm. I wish they were as warm as hers are.

I see the Rubik’s Cube lying on the table. The solved pieces of its puzzle suddenly infuriate me. I grab the toy, tighten it in my hand, and fling it. It collides against the wall with a loud, thick sound, and I watch it tumble around the floor and roll to a stop.

Although I’ve known it before, I have never been more aware of the fact that I am just as disposable as that plaything.

-----

I know what I have to do. I will help Emer find out the truth of her father’s death.

I have assisted her before, but it was never because of my direct will. I was ready to help her, but only because she requested me to do so. I want to go above and beyond my call of duty and perform my own research.

My first plan is to infiltrate the archives.

I wish to tell her my incentive, but she has not been the same as she was before. I don’t blame her. Even I have changed, and I cannot determine whether it has been for the worse or for the better.

Therefore, I decide to carry out my plan by myself. If she asks me to help her, I will. But I also intend to settle this mystery by my own means.

I know very little about the Government archives. The Institute was careful with the information they gave me concerning that subject. I only know that the Government keeps their archives inside their private web net, and that specific people have access to its contents. I do not know the name or the number of the people who have that privilege, but I know that the archives can only be accessed inside the Government’s headquarters.

I have to go on a trip.

I can ask Emer to give me permission to temporarily leave her side, but I predict that if I tell her why, she will insist on coming with me. I cannot have her come. It’s too risky for an Argent. She needs to respect the reality that I am willing to risk my future for hers. She is worth it.

This means that I have to lie to Emer. It will be my first time, but I try to justify it by telling myself that it is the primary step I can take to become human. Emer is correct; humans are ugly creatures. But at least they’re real.

And I would much rather be ‘ugly’ and real rather than fake.

I wait a week before I lie to her. It hasn’t snowed since that moment when I first witnessed the snowfall, and patches of grass have begun to poke through the sea of white. When Emer comes down one afternoon after being in her bedroom for many hours, I prepare myself and approach her.

“Emer,” I greet. She pauses at the foot of the stairs. She has spoken very few words to me since the night that I undid the tangle in her hair.

“Yeah?”

“I need to go to the Market,” I tell her. “I need to – “

“Just go by yourself. You don’t need to ask me. I don’t plan on coming, anyways,” she waves me away, refusing to meet my eyes. I stand there and stare at the spot that she had been. I did not expect that reaction. I was ready to lie, but she didn’t even give me a chance to carry out a human action.

I guess it is better this way.

I pass by Hara’s house on my way to the train. I don’t know if I can enlist Sehun’s aid, but I’d like to have a companion with me. I am almost completely sure he will turn me down, but I want to try asking him.

I ring the doorbell. Ten seconds pass before the door opens. It is Sehun, and when he sees it is I, he makes a move to close the door.

“Wait,” I shout and reach a hand out to stop the door from closing. “Sehun, I have a question.”

“You came all the way here to ask me a question? You couldn’t have used the phone?”

“I … wanted to see you.”

He crosses his arms. “What is it?”

“I am doing something for Emer,” I confess. “Something that is meant to help her. And I am doing it without her consent. Not that she denied me the right,” I add. “But she didn’t confirm it, either. I mean to break into the Government’s archives, Sehun. I mean to see if there is any listed information about her father’s death. And I am here to ask you if you are willing to help me.”

His eyes shadow. “You want me to help you recover intel from the Government?