Suzy was fourteen when she stumbled upon a tiny notebook hidden somewhere in Sunggyu’s drawer. She found it by accident, because she wanted to borrow his scientific calculator. With curiosity rising within her, she took it.

“Just a tiny peek,” she whispered to herself.

She opened the notebook, only to find out her stepbrother’s handwriting, screaming out his desires.

I want to meet an honest girl someday—someone who doesn’t have to hide anything and isn’t afraid to speak the truth, no matter how blunt it is.

Knowing this, Suzy tried to be honest. She succeeded.

I love it when girls smell like strawberries.

That was the time when Suzy became obsessed with strawberry-scented lotions, perfumes and shampoos.

She noticed that one item was added to the list on a daily basis. Six months later, she read something which shattered her heart:

I like it when girls ask my permission first before they touch my things.

She stopped sneaking into his room ever since.

<:>

Sunggyu was twenty when he had his first girlfriend. Her name was Lee Sunye, and it infuriated Suzy how she could meet the things her brother listed down without looking at it. She was refined; she smelled like strawberries; she knew how to have fun; she was honest.

The worst thing about Sunye was her genuine kindness. Suzy knew her brother’s girlfriend meant well, and so she could never make up any reasons to hate her.

In the end, all she could do was act like a kid and sulk.

It was a chilly autumn evening when Sunggyu knocked on Suzy’s door. It was on that same day when she exploded and ended up disgracing herself in front of Sunye by yelling, “I hate you!”

“Suzy-yah, can we talk?” he asked.

She locked herself up in her room at that time, because she couldn’t stop crying out of shame and guilt. Her eyes were raw, and it hurt.

“Suzy-yah,” Sunggyu coaxed again, while knocking. “Open the door, please.”

Forcing herself up, she did what she was told, because Sunggyu wrote in that notebook of his once that he liked girls who respected their elders. Suzy slowly opened her door, and said in a coarse voice, “Come in.”

Sunggyu carefully entered Suzy’s room. He closed the door behind him, and the younger one settled herself on the swivel chair, her head bowed low.

“Suzy,” Sunggyu began in a calm voice. “Is something bothering you?”

She shook her head profusely, and choked out, “I’m okay.”

“Don’t you trust me now?”

“I do,” she replied.

“Then tell me what’s bothering you.”

Suzy let out a faltering sigh, and finally, she raised her head to look at Sunggyu. “That’s the problem, oppa: I don’t know what’s bothering me.”

With slow steps Sunggyu approached his sister, and he had to squat in order to meet her face to face. Silence surrounded them, and he said, “Is it about me having a girlfriend?”

Those words cut into Suzy’s heart like daggers. She was about to deny it, but she ended up crying all the more. She covered her reddening face with both of her hands and Sunggyu had to hug her tight, because he couldn’t bear to see his sister cry.

Suzy took in his breezy scent, and in a way, this calmed her down.

Sunggyu shushed her, and after a while, Suzy finally quieted down.

“Oppa,” she whispered. “Why do you like her?”

There was a long pause, and Sunggyu answered, “Because she’s Sunye.”

“What makes Sunye unnie, Sunye?” she pushed.

Sunggyu sighed. “She showed me a side of her I couldn’t help but admire.”

Silence.

“Suzy.”

“Hm?”

“You can admit it now.”

She froze.

“You saw my notebook, didn’t you?”

Suzy didn’t reply.

“It’s okay, Suzy. I’ve known it for quite some time now. I made a mistake by not telling you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me, then?”

“Because I thought it would pass,” he answered.

“But oppa…these feelings…” she whimpered. “It’s scaring me.”

“Suzy,” he said in a firm voice. He let go of her, held her by the shoulders and met eyes with her. “You’re young. It’s a given that a person like you would get emotionally unstable. Do you understand?”

She nodded her head.

“What you’re feeling for me right now, Suzy…it isn’t what you think it is. It’s far more trivial than that. You aren’t in love with me, do you hear me?”

Suzy was already trembling, and all she could do was close her eyes to ease the pain she felt in her heart. It was difficult, hearing from the person she fancied that she shouldn’t be in love with him.

“When you grow up, you’ll understand,” he carried on. “I’ve been where you are. It’s difficult, but I’ll be there to guide you with every step of the way. Suzy, you are not in love with me.”

“Then what do I feel towards you?” she blurted out, her voice faint.

“Admiration,” he promptly replied. “You are my sister, I am your brother. No matter what—even if we’re not blood related—Suzy, stop. Look at me—I said look—even if we’re not blood related, you will always be my lovely baby sister. You got that?”

She didn’t reply. Sunggyu stayed quiet.

“I wish we didn’t adopt you,” Suzy muttered.

And with that, Sunggyu gave her hands a reassuring squeeze before walking away.

At that moment she realized what bitterness felt like. She detested that feeling, so with all her might she threw her feelings away and buried it deep within her memories. She distracted herself by studying and writing.

And it worked...almost.

<:>

Suzy was seventeen when she found out Sunye got killed by cancer.

Suzy was seventeen when she found out her older brother only went out with her because it was one of her dying wishes. Nonetheless, the feelings they had for each other were, possibly, genuine.

Suzy was seventeen when she saw Sunggyu cry for the first time.

At that time, she figured out why guys shouldn’t cry too much. It was all because they looked more fragile than girls.

“Oppa,” Suzy said one evening, while they were in the kitchen, cooking dinner. “Are you all right?”

“I’ll be all right,” he replied.

“But are you all right?” she asked again.

“I said I’ll be all right,” he answered, smiling a little. “Things are crap now, but I’ll push through. I’ll be all right.”

“When will you be all right?”

“One day,” Sunggyu answered.

“When will one day come?” she asked again.

“One day,” he repeated.

Suzy bit her lower lip, and didn’t say anything anymore.

<:>

Suzy was eighteen when she finally decided to let everything she felt for her older brother go.

Suzy was eighteen when she met a stranger over the phone, only to name him ‘Summer’.

"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
- Psalm 36:5

Guys I just read your comments and keyra I am so blessed to hear that from you ;~;
As an author I lack a lot of things (e.g. interaction) but do know that all of your comments
encourage me and I appreciate everything you write on here! Ginnie, watermelon, loveisyam,
Jess, Hanna, Minah, Aika and all the others I've failed to mention because I'm rushing,
I'll get back to your replies soon! I might PM you or something. It's pretty hectic at the moment
because:

1) My exams are tomorrow
2) I have to pack because:
      a) We'll be on vacation
      b) We're moving houses

But yeah God bless you!

P.S.

igotsanokcat your comment is beautiful just the way it is!