Donghae stared at the ceiling. His eyes looked so empty. He tried to close his eyes again but each time he tried he only see hyukjae there. Everything just went back to square one now since Hyukjae forgot about their true relationship. EunHae is real... Or was, since Hyukjae didn't remember anything about their love life.

What love life? Donghae thought. It was only a week. Was it even proper to call it love life? But it was the best 7 days of his life. Having Hyukjae as more than just his best friend. Having him as the one who love him perfectly. They were always perfect for each other. Then who's to blame when those perfect 7 days suddenly gone? Blame it on the tumor he had? the surgery that made him lost his memory? All those questions, all the anxiaty consume donghae intensly.  

It's been a week now since he woke up after the surgery but he didn't give any sign of remembering. Things became awkward between them. Hyuk considered him as his best friend, while donghae was madly in love with him. It didn't run very well. He couldn't even do things they used to do. No more hugs, no more skinship because Donghae would feel guilty, he felt like taking advantage of him. He couldn't confessed to Hyukjae right now because of his condition and he really didn't know how Hyukjae would react this time. All of this driving him crazy.

"Hae, are you coming?" Siwon asked as he stood by the door, waiting. "Donghae-ah!"
"I don't feel well." Donghae answered lazily.

Siwon came over to his bed and put his hand on Donghae's forehead.

"No fever.."
"I said I'm not well. I didn't say I have fever."
"I know you well." Siwon said as he pulled donghae up from his bed. "You're not a good liar! Now come on, come with me."

Donghae was about to say no, but Siwon quickly slipped himself outside Donghae's room. Donghae had no chance but to follow him. They didn't say anything since they left the dorm. Donghae was so quite and it really made Siwon wonder.

"Ok tell me." Siwon said. Donghae frowned behind his shade. But he didn't answer him. He turned his head back to the window.

"You're not you lately." Siwon said. "Ever since hyukjae woke up you've changed. You don't talk much. You're distance yourself. What's going on?"
"You're delusional. Nothing's going on."
"Come on spill it."

Donghae didn't say anything. What to tell? That he was sad Hyukjae didn't remember that they were together as a real couple? Can Siwon handle it? Can anybody handle it?

"Hae, you can tell me anything. You know me better."
"Thanks wonnie. But really there's  nothing wrong. Maybe I'm just tired. That's why I look off sometimes. Don't worry about it."

Siwon nodded after a long stared. "But anytime you wanna talk, you can always come to me. Alright?"

"Thanks wonnie.."

It won't be necessary. This was something that he needed to face alone.

So that what really happened. Donghae was alone. He bear everything all alone. He tried to his best to be with Hyukjae. Being a great friend. Being patient. Trying to help him remembered. Taking him to the places they used to hang out. Doing things that he hoped would bring back the memories. But nothing seemed to work out. 

-------------------

Hyukjae was getting better each time. It took him the whole 3 months to rest and not participating in any of SJ activities. He spent his time But the memory of that day seem never be recovered. Donghae tried so hard to made him remember. But what to shared when they were only a week together?

Donghae suffered each time they go and perform on the stage, acting, pretending to be happy while he was crying inside. Donghae missed him so much. The only time he could touch him was when they were fan servicing on the stage. But at the end, Donghae would feel guilty. While Hyukjae was just pretending, Donghae was enjoying every touch, every moment they were together up there. It made him sick of himself. So things began to change.

So now, each time they went up on the stage, Donghae would just run to Siwon or any other members to distract himself. Hyukjae began to notice that when they had concert in Tokyo. He felt that Donghae begin to chance.

"Hae, wanna go out and grab something to eat?" Hyukjae asked that night right after the concert on day 1. "Leeteuk Hyung is buying."

"No, I've plan with Siwon." Donghae said, still busy cleaning his make up. "Have fun."

"Siwon? You've been hang out with Siwon lately." Hyukjae said. "What were you guys doing?"

"Jusy guys stuff. Not much." Donghae said."You said you're going out, go then. Don't let leeteuk hyung waiting."

Hyukjae nodded.

"Hae.."

"Yeah?"

"Is there something wrong? Have I done something wrong?"

Donghae frowned. "No, why you asked that?"

"Nothing. "Hyukjae said after a long pause."I just feel like you're distancing yourself from me."

Donghae shook his head. "No, there's nothing's wrong. It's just your imagination. I'm not distancing myself. Why would I?"

"It's just that you've been hang out with wonnie constantly. I feel like losing my best friend." Hyukjae said with a sad voice. " We hardly ever hang out together anymore. So I was afraid if I did something that made you mad at me."

Mad? Donghae thought. How can I mad for something that you couldn't even remember? How can I mad when you are also the victim of this mess? I could never mad at you Hyuk, I love you too much. I've tried to make you remember about how you feel about me. But it was gone and none of it was your fault. How can I mad at you? I'm just ... tired..

"Hae?"

Donghae snapped out from his thought and quickly smile to cover up his true feeling. He gave hyukjae a light tap on his shoulder. "Nothing can make me mad at you. Like you said, we're best friends."

"But we hardly hang out together..."

'I promise I'll go out next time we have free time. How's that sound?"

Hyukjae stared at Donghae and then nodded. "Ok. See you."

Hyukjae walked out the door. Donghae stared at himself in the mirror. His hands were . He didn't know what kinda feeling he had right there. Donghae was torn apart between loving him as lover, and loving him as a best friend. Between wanting him so badly, or just letting him go.

"Hae, let's go." Siwon said. "Are you sure you wanna come with me? I heard Hyukjae is going out with Leeteuk hyung to get something to eat. "

"No, I wanna go with you."

"Sure? it will be boring to death because I have meeting with my dad's associate. Then after that we will go have something to eat."

"I don't mind." Donghae said. "it's good thing, I can learn how to negotiate from you.'

Siwon laughed. "Ok then. We go now."

So Siwon and Donghae went together. It was really late at night but that was the only time Siwon had to have a meeting between the concert and this Japanese man, his dad's associate didn't mind at all meeting him at such late hour. He understood how tight Siwon schedule was. But fortunately the meeting was short. So both of them went to a fancy restaurant nearby to have late dinner.

"Thank to keep me company. " Siwon said as he pour a sake for himself.

"Thanks for taking me with you."

"That makes me wonder." Siwon said. "Is there something going on? You and hyukjae, you guys cool? I mean you hang out a lot and lately you guys just stop."

"yeah. We're cool." Donghae said, being total ignorant about what Siwon just said. "Give me some of that stuff too."

"Sake? since when you're drinking?"

"There's always first thing for everything, isn't it?" Donghae smirked.

Siwon frowned. It felt weird that suddenly Donghae started to drink alcohol.  He never drink it all his life. He and hyukjae make a pact long time a go to never touch alcohol and ciggarette. But something fishy about him. So Siwon gave him the sake. A glass, and then two and a glass after that, until Donghae completely lost. Siwon needed to know about what really hapen to Donghae. So he made him drunk. Drunk man would spill out everything, wouldn't he?

"This thing is good!" Donghae said. " I feel good!"

"You're drunk." Siwon said.

"That's ok.." Donghae said as he finished his shot. " It feels great! how come you never gave me one of this before? Gimme another one..."

Siwon shook his head. Donghae pouted. "Why? I want more? Gimme more, Siwon..I need it.. it help me! it's almost gone from my head."

"What's almost gone from your head?" Siwon asked carefully as he gave another round to Donghae.

"The pain..It's almost gone.." He said as he took another shot. His eyes look so sad. Tears were begin to form."I'm so happy now..."

Siwon stared at him. "What's going on, Hae? Please tell me."

"Nothing wonnie.. I'm just so happy..." He said as his tears rolled down his cheek. " I almost forget him! no! no! I forget him now! yeah.. yeah he's forgotten!"

"Who?"

"He.. he was the one who complete me..." Donghae said. "But not anymore... everything is gone, wonnie.."

"Gone? How?"

"I was so so so so madly in love with him...." Donghae said unconciously. He wiped his tears. "How can he forget me? How can he forget what happened? How can he not remember his feeling about me? Why wonnie?"

Donghae slumped to the floor and sobbing. Siwon came over to him and tried to comfort him. He felt guilty about letting him get drunk. But he wanted to know about what really happen. So he can help Donghae out. But seeing him torn apart like this was never accross his mind.

"He said he love me, wonnie.." Donghae said between his sob. "He said he love me. But then he's not anymore. He didn't remember..."

"Who, donghae? What do you mean he?"

"He never left me when I was in coma. He took care of me. How can I not love him?"

Siwon gasped. The only person who cared so much, who never left his side at those hardest time was....

"Hyukjae?" Siwon guessed. Donghae mumble a yes. Siwon was shocked. But he remain calm. So Donghae and Hyukjae were real couple? all those supposely made up eunhae moments were actually real?

"A week before the surgery I told him that I love him. He said he loved me. But now everything's gone, Wonnie.." Donghae cried. His tears falling like the rain. Siwon held him tight. He really didn't know what to say. As much as he knew how close Donghae and Hyukjae, he never thought that they were together as couple.

"He didn't remember about how he felt for me. For him I'm only his friend."

"Stop crying, Hae. Everything will be fine.."

"No it's not! He's not going to remember, Wonnie. I'm so scare to tell him everything. At the hospital he hated it when I touch him."Donghae sobbing hard. His eyes were so red and His face was all wet.

"Everytime we were on the stage I felt guilty because I was so happy holding him, I enjoyed every touch because I miss him so much, because I really love him. But it hurts to know that it was only a fan service for him. I don't want ended up using him.. I don't want to take advantage of him. It wasn't his fault that he didn't remember... but it hurt wonnie.. it really hurt..."

Donghae was telling him everything. Every single thing. Until there was no power left in him. Donghae was still crying when Siwon took him back to the Hotel. With the help of manager Hyung, Siwon managed to slipped Donghae in to the hotel without anyone notice that he was heavily drunk.

"What happen with hae?" Hyukjae asked as he saw Siwon walked in, carrying Donghae in his arm. Donghae was still mumbling rubish things. He laughed sometimes, but then unexpectedly cry the next.

"He's drunk? Why?" Hyukjae glared at Siwon angrily. "Siwon you know Donghae never touch alcohol before. What's going on? Why did you let him drink?"

"I'm sorry.." Siwon said. He didn't dare to look at Hyukjae's burning eyes.

"Both of you shut up!! " Donghae shouted. "Leave me alone!! I wanna be alone.. I'm always alone.. let me be alone..."

"Hae, what are you talking about?" Hyukjae asked as he cupped Donghae's face. Hyukjae could smell the alcohol from his breath. He looked like a mess. His eyes were red. He looked thinner. This didn't look like Donghae that he knew. This was not his best friend.

"I'm leaving you..." Donghae said with stern face. Then he laughed. "I'm leaving .. I"m gone.. no more hearthache.. no more trying. I'm tired... ing tired."

"Lee Donghae!!" Hyukjae shouted. "What are you talking about?"

"He's drunk Hyuk, He said rubbish things. Let's just put him to bed and leave him alone so he can rest.."

Donghae turned to Siwon and give him his tumb. "Sleep..very tired.."

Donghae was about to walked to the bed when suddenly he lost balance and fell to the floor. Siwon caught him right on time.

"Wow..I've never see him like that before.." Hyukjae said as he walked back to the living room with Siwon. "YOu wanna tell me what happen?"

"We had a few drinks and he just .... like that.."

"You know he doesn't drink. Why did you let him?"

'You're right. I'm sorry. It won't happen again." Siwon said appologeticly. He had his own reason. But now since he knew everything, he couldn't tell Hyukjae. So he just agreeing everything what hyukjae said. No conflict.

"From all people you should have known better." Hyukjae continued. " How could you?"

"Hyuk, I already apologize. Can you please drop it?"

"What's wrong with him? He's changing. He usually so clingy to me, we usually talked about things, we hang out together. But not anymore." Hyukjae said as he threw himself on the couch. "I felt like he's avoiding me. Did he say something about this to you?"

Siwon shook his head. It was not his business to tell what donghae told him. Siwon needed to think, before he do something or say anything. Siwon always careful with everything.

"So you and Donghae. I saw you guys went out few times already." Hyukjae asked as he looked deeply inside Siwon's eyes.

"Problem with that?"

Hyukjae didn't say anything. He mentally smack himself. Why would he popped such question? That would sound odd.

"Jealous?" Siwon continue asking.

"What? no way! not like that. I mean Donghae and I ussually hang out together."

"Ask him that tomorrow." said Siwon as he went to find the door. " Clearly both of you need something to be cleared up."

Hyukjae frowned. What was that supposed to mean? How come everyone is puzzling today? But Hyukjae's brain refused to think about it. His body was so tired. So he just took off his shirt and slipped into the bed next to Donghae and tried to sleep.

Hyukjae was about to turned off the light when suddenly Donghae got up and run to the bathroom. He fell once losing his balance but he got himself up and ran. Hyukjae ran behind him. Donghae opened the bathroom door with a loud bang. He slumped next to the toilet and threw everything up.

"Donghae-ah, gwencana?" Hyukjae said as he tried to help him by massaging his neck and shoulder. Donghae didn't answer. He vomit violantly.

Hyukjae grabbed a towel and moistened it with warm water. Then he sat next to Donghae, slowly pulling his body into his arm when he stopped vomiting. Donghae was half concious. Hyukjae flushed the toilet and then he wipe donghae's face with the warm towel.

"Why did you do this, Hae? this isn't you." Hyukjae said. "We made promise before, remember? What happen? I really feel like you're distancing youself from me. I wish you could just tell me what the problem is, so I can work it out. We could work things out.. like we always did."

Donghae didn't answer. He just mumbled things softly incoherently. Hyukjae was about to get up to get another clean towel when suddenly Donghae hug his body tightly. He burried his face on Hyukjae's bare chest. Hyukjae dropped the towel and hug him back. He stared at Donghae's innocent face and smiled.

"You're always such a baby, Hae.." He said softly.

Hyukjae enjoyed staring at his beautiful face. Once in awhile he his hair gently, coeing if Donghae mumble things.

Why do I feel like this? Hyukjae asked to himself.  Why does my heart feel so warm holding him?

Hyukjae leaned his body against the bathroom wall. It felt so cold against his bare skin. He let Donghae sleep in his arm, clingy onto his body. He wrap his arm around Donghae, protecting.

What is this feeling? he thought to himself.

Why it feels so right holding him like this?

Why does my heart feel so warm all of sudden just right after holding him?

The empty feeling that linger, the empty feeling that I couldn't understand... it suddenly gone?

The moment I hold him, I felt like a thousand volt of electricity hit me. But then the warm and secure feeling fill in...

Is there something that I miss?

Is there something that was forgotten?

I wish someone would just tell me....

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