That night Donghae’s father left.

Donghae was devastated. He was allowed to stay in Mokpo with his family, to mourn over the loss of his father for some time.

No matter how much I wished I could stay with Donghae, I had to rush back to Seoul the next morning (to get warned and threatened by our manager not to ignore his order again). I called Donghae from time to time. We didn’t talk much on the phone. There’s no word, at least not from my limited brain, I could say to comfort him. Nevertheless I insisted calling, just to hear him cry his heart out, just to mourn with him.

Not after very long Donghae came back to Seoul. He had to resume the busy schedules again. He had to look, at least, OK in front of the cameras. He had to be asked million times about his grief. The angelic smile was gone. Whenever Donghae smiled it’s forced; which only reminded me how depressed he was.

I knew deep inside Donghae was far from recovered. Tears were far from turning dry. He thought nobody noticed. Every time he silently slipped out during breaks between shows or rehearsals, my eyes would follow him. I knew he was hiding in some quiet corners crying.

That night I tried but I just couldn’t sleep. I kept stirring and once in a while I would get that awful feeling in my stomach. And then again the hair behind my neck and on my arms prickled… No… this is not right…

I jumped out of bed and quickly rushed towards the other dorm where Donghae was residing. Before I reached the door of his room I heard him scream. ”Appa… NO… APPA… COME BACK!! APPA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Quickly I banged open the door and saw Donghae in his bed, sweating and screaming and desperately trying to grab something with his arms extended. I ran towards him and held his wrists tightly in my hands. “Donghae!!”

He kept struggling and his clawed hands mercilessly left scratch marks on my shoulders. On the other hand he kept screaming. “Don’t leave me!! NO!! APPA!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!”

I climbed over and pressed myself against him under me, tightening my grip on his wrists. “Donghae!! Wake up!!”

He nearly gave me additional scratches on my face while I clenched his wrists tightly. “DONGHAE!!! WAKE UP!! LOOK AT ME!!! WAKE UP!!!”

He gasped. His eyes jolted open.

I could still see fear in his widened eyes. Donghae was panting hard and I could feel his pulse beating fast. For some time Donghae was too shocked to move. His mind was still in his nightmare.

When finally it was registered to him it’s me with him there, he relaxed and whispered. “Hyukkie… Hyukkie…” Teardrops trickled down his cheeks. I released my grip and gently wiped away the sweat and tears on his face.

He clung onto me weakly. I patted him and let him sob in my arms while his body was still shaking. I closed my eyes but still couldn’t control my tears. “Donghae… if I could just share your pain…”

Since then I stayed with Donghae most of the time when he slept. That was the only thing I could do… to be there and to cry with him. I would do anything, anything, just to get the pain transferred to me…

A few months flew by. I wish time can really heal…

It was a day I would never forget. That day I saw an angel. And that took my breath away…

“The Best Rookie Award… The Winner is… SUPER JUNIOR!!!” A burst of applause filled the whole arena. The 13 of us walked on stage. I could see Donghae, behind me, on the verge of tears. Gently I took his hand.

Maybe it was just me. It seemed the applause was louder and longer when it’s Donghae’s turn to speak. I stood behind him watching.

Finally the applause subsided. “Thank you. I would like to share this moment, this award with my beloved father. I wish he could be here tonight…” He looked up to hold back his tears. “… But I know… he is now watching over me in heaven… Father I thank you… I love you…”

Another wave of applause came. Fans were chanting his name.

Donghae cried. But he’s even more beautiful than when he was wearing his angelic smile. Right at that moment I saw an angel. At that very moment Donghae became an angel. I gasped in awe and couldn’t take my eyes off him.

To me Donghae had always been like an angel. He’s cheerful, lively and adorable. His presence could light up the atmosphere. However there’s something more I didn’t realize before.

He cried because he loved, he treasured, he grieved, he regretted, he struggled, he endured pain, he accepted, he gathered himself up and bravely he carried on. Standing there he was simply radiating pure beauty. In addition to love, to the knowledge that Donghae’s important and precious to me, from that moment onwards I actually admired him. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. Hae…I’m so proud of you… I’m so glad you’re in my life…

Since that award, our schedule became crazy. Nevertheless all of us strived to bring out our best. Though tough, we enjoyed and treasured every day.

And Donghae was gradually getting better; making everyone proud. He was no longer having those nightmares. I went back to my room to sleep.

Donghae was standing in a hallway. He pressed the “play” button of the recorder.

“……”

Biting back his tears he pressed again.

“……”

Slowly, as tears started flowing down, he put the recorder into his pocket and walked over to the wall. Suddenly he punched his fist against it. Once, twice, he kept punching and I could feel the whole place was shaking. His fist was reddened and bruises started to form.

Then he pushed himself away, stumbled back to lean against the wall behind him. His knees gave in as he started sliding down and finally collapsed onto the floor. He hugged himself tight into a ball and hid his face between his arms. He sobbed for a long time and said. “Why? Hyukkie… How could you do this to me?”

I took my watch and saw it’s 3:02am. What a strange dream? What would I do to Donghae? That couldn’t be categorized as a nightmare. And I was not jerked out of it. The dream just ended normally and then I woke up. However I could recall its each and every detail…

What’s more… it’s not going away… it had become regular for me to dream that dream… I kept it to myself. Guess it’s just I am worrying about Donghae too much…

I took out the keys upon reaching the dorm. What a day… I’m so exhausted now… I opened the door and it went dark all of a sudden. Before I could comprehend I was dragged inside by somebody. That somebody gripped me tight and covered my mouth. No! This is not Donghae!

I kept struggling; my eyes widened in disbelief. The next moment the light was switched on again. I saw all super junior members (except Kangin) there. Donghae was in front of me, holding a birthday cake in his hands. Everyone was laughing seeing my frightened expression. I smiled and relaxed. You guys really scared the hell out of me. Kangin released me when they began singing the happy birthday song.

However I was held back in Kangin’s grip right after the song was over. No matter how hard I struggled I couldn’t escape Donghae’s birthday cake attack. When finally I was freed from Kangin I chased around and kissed everyone in the dorm. We were all so hyper and noisy. We screamed and laughed and ran and jumped… Finally our neighbor couldn’t take it anymore…

I finished taking a shower and went back to my room. I opened the door and it went dark all of a sudden. What? Again? Someone dragged me inside, gripped me tight and covered my mouth. The next minute I was pressed face down onto my bed; while the other person was lying on me. The shock might have lasted for some seconds but I smiled and relaxed shortly after. Donghae… you cannot fool me…

Removing his hand he kissed my cheek and softly he said. “Hyukkie happy birthday. I have a present for you.”

“And are you going to release me?” I asked as Donghae was still lying on me.

“No. I will never let go of you. Now listen.” He chuckled. Then I heard a click.

Donghae’s voice came out of the recorder. ”Hyukkie I love you. Thanks for everything; for just existing. To me you’re so amazing and precious… you’re someone I cannot describe in words. And I composed a song…”

The most beautiful melody followed. It possessed the power to slowly flow into your veins, your heart and finally to the very core of you soul; bringing warmth, comfort and love on its way. Recalling what Donghae and I had been through, how blessed we were… I found tears on my cheeks. “… Thank you Hae… That’s amazing…” He hugged me tighter and said. “Because you’re amazing Hyukkie…”

We continued lying there. I was really tired after that day’s work and soon I started drifting into sleep. Donghae put the recorder in the pocket of my jacket and kissed me good night. “Hyukkie~~ Listen when you think of me~~”

The next day I set off to work early. Since morning I had that something-is-not-right feeling. The hair behind my neck and on my arms just prickled from time to time. I called Donghae multiple times. He himself, having crazy schedules as well, couldn’t answer but the assistant said everything was OK. I could only try my best to shrug the feeling off.

After recording KTR it was already very late. That feeling came again. I jumped into my car and started the engine quickly. I had to rush back to the dorm as soon as possible. I had to see Donghae or else I just couldn’t stop worrying.

Since it was late there was not much traffic on the road. I called Donghae again.

“Hi this is Donghae. Hyukkie is mine. Please leave your message…” Without me noticing the corner of my mouth curved into a smile before I sighed and ended the call. Anyway only 10 mins to go.

The car entered a tunnel. I checked the time. It’s 1:13am. The feeling hit me again. Gosh what’s this? I hope Donghae is OK… Stepping on the gas pedal I speeded up.

Frowning I shifted my eyes back to the road. A truck was pulling over. What?! In a tunnel? In the blink of an eye the truck was already right in front of me. I stepped hard on the brake…

Everything slowed down.

The screeching scream of braking, my car colliding with the truck, the deafening bang like explosion, collapse of my car’s front cover, windscreen shattering, airbag inflating, seat belt tightening...

Everything stopped.

Hot and sticky liquid rolled down my forehead.

My life flashed by in front of me like a movie… all memories of Donghae… moments we laughed, moments we cried, moments we hugged, moments we argued, moments we made up, moments we shared sympathies, moments we made our promise…

The promise… Donghae… I’m sorry…

The last image I saw was Donghae’s angelic smile, the first time I met him in the subway…

With my trembling hand I took out the recorder from my pocket…

Soon darkness enveloped me… completely…

Donghae… I’m sorry…

-----------------------------------

A/N: I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Guys pls don't get mad... I now go hide and cry and redeem myself... ?_?

A/N2: And... um... this is not the end of the story yet... so... patience...