Indirect Confession
One Happiness.One KYUMIN
Indirect Confession
I remember why I loved you
New school year, new classmates.
I hurried to my new classroom to meet my old friends. I’ve grown familiar to this school for the past 2 years now so It’s easy to make to my class without the commotion of the other students. I smiled when I see the statue of our patron saint in this school. It’s my favorite place because the place is surround by trees and flowers which made it look like a garden in the middle of the school and I feel so peaceful whenever I'm in there.
I quickly past the gym and turned left to the stairs while still smiling because I can’t wait to see him! I mean my friends. As I make my way to the stairs I noticed a group of boys, I know these boys are my batch mates so I quickly look for him and there is he...Kim Yesung. He cut his hair this year but still he’s handsome and I think he got taller too. He’s been my crush since 2nd year well so does the other girls here in SMA. I know I have this stupid grin in my face but I quickly grimaced when I noticed Cho Kyuhyun, the one who’s beside Yesung, looked at me. He smiled at me with that stupid grin on his face but I just roll my eyes at him and quickly climbed the stairs. I just hate his guts.
“HI!!!!” I placed my things on my desk as I enter our room, it’s in the 2nd floor of this high school building. My friends immediately went beside me and we talked about our summer vacation like we haven’t talk over the phones.
“SUNGMIN!!!” We turned our heads as one of our friends called my name. Ugh! I know what will she say!
“WHAT!” She laughed and found a vacant seat beside us, she’s from 3-D and I’m 3-B so we're not classmates and her floor is in the 3rd.
“Did you see him?” I want to erase that stupid grin on her face! She loves teasing me about him!
“Shut up!!” We all laughed and talked about Yesung! They know that I am kinda obsessed with him.
They immediately went to their seats and class as the bell rang and I saw Yesung pass by our room, he’s 3-D just like my other friends.
I was daydreaming about him when someone that I don’t want to see, surprised me which I squealed softly and sits next to me.
“Chill!” He laughed and started to annoy me.
Through out the middle of the school year Kyuhyun still loves to annoy me but one day I just started to see him differently.
--
“You know, Sungmin, just forget about Yesung. He’s happy now with Ryeowook.”
“How?! All of you know what I feel about him! Uhmm…sorry Hyukkie I know you have a crush on him too.”
“No big deal! Unlike you, I'm not obsessed with him! Haha!”
“Ugh! Laugh all you want!”
“Why don’t you just go with Kyuhyun!”
“UGH!!!”
“Speaking of! There!! YIEE!! KYUHYUN!!!”
“SHUT UP HEECHUL!!”
Ugh!! Gawd! Why don’t they stop teasing me about Kyuhyun! His not handsome well his not ugly too. He's...cute.
What am I saying!
“SUNGMIN! Where are you going?”
“Hell!”
“Okay!! Enjoy your date with Kyuhyun!! Haha!”
Sometimes I would like to kill my friends! As I make my way to our class I saw Kyuhyun all alone in the bleachers scribbling something on his notebook. Maybe copying some answers again in our homework for our next subject. He’s not stupid he’s just lazy to do his homework.
“Hoy!! Still copying answers?! Haha!”
“You can copy too! Haha!”
This is the way we talk just teasing and annoying each other.
“Whatever!”
Suddenly, I don’t know why I'm feeling like this! Simple conversations from him makes me happy. This is my friends fault for teasing me about him! No! This is all his fault!! Giving me wrong signals about his feelings!! Or is it me imagining things?
--
I was doing my research at home one Saturday afternoon when my phone beep signaling for new message. Huh? It’s from Kyuhyun! I suddenly felt my heart flutter and I don’t know why but I can't stop smiling. Since that day, we started to exchange SMS every weekend. Talking everything under the sun, his favorites, his everyday routine as well as his family but there’s one thing we don’t talk about and I don’t have the courage to ask, its his love life.
--
I always thought that we are super close friends with each other because every time we are in front of everybody in school he always annoys me and teases me, but is it just my thoughts or him as well? That’s why I always treated him the same and yet I know there is something different in me. I know I am starting to feel different towards him.
--
“Hoy! Can I borrow your blue ball pen?” My life started to crumbled when he was assigned to be my seat mate! Why oh why?!
“Ugh! Here!!” I shoved the pen at him and started copying notes at the board.
“Let’s have a deal. Whoever finished last on copying the notes should treat the first? Deal?”
“How childish of you!”
“Come on! Don’t tell me your afraid to lose?”
“In your face Cho! Deal!” He laughed and I hide behind my hair to secretly smiled. I know I have this stupid smile just because of hearing him laughed. Every single day I looked forward just to see him happy and in that instant I know this is going to be bad.
--
We were having lunch when one of our friend, Zhoumi, got back from the line of student buying lunch.
“Guys, did you know that Kyuhyun and Donghae are dating now?” I stop mid-chewing.
WHAT?!
Why don’t I know this? ! Why do I feel this? Why does it hurts?
“Min??”
“What?!” I asked my friends whose looking at me like they can see through me.
“Are you okay? You look pale.”
“Maybe I ate something I’m allergic to. I just go to the clinic.”
“I’ll accompany you.”
“Thanks Shin but I can handle this.”
I immediately went outside and cross the field to go to the clinic. Is there a medicine that can cure this stupid pain I’m feeling! I don’t freaking think there is but still I went inside the clinic, in here I can hide from him, I can have an excuse to cry, to feel the pain. The nurse ushers me inside and let me use one of the beds. I feel like my heart shutter to pieces. Do I love him this much to feel this freaking pain? I know nothing about love! So if this is not love, then what is this I am feeling right now? What is this freaking pain I am feeling? This is ing hurts. I felt like I was betrayed by a great friend or worst. I cried my heart out silently like what I feel about him. Maybe I am in love with him but I know I am too late for that. It’s too late because someone already owns him. I laughed while crying. I am so stupid for crying for someone who isn’t mine. How pathetic am I?
The news about them spread through out our batch and I feel sick every time I see them together. Why didn’t he tell me? I thought we were friends. I thought we…never mind.
After that day I started to avoid him. I started to ignore his calls and texts every weekend. Good thing we weren’t seat mates anymore so it’s easier to avoid him.
--
It was recess time and I was about to go to canteen to buy some snacks when he confronted me outside our class.
“Sungmin, wait! Can we talk?" He suddenly held my wrist to stop me from walking away. I rapidly take back my wrist and held it when I felt it burns. I glared at him because I don’t want to talk to him.
“Why aren’t you answering my calls or texts?” How would you know! You pig! I am so fed up to this guy!
“WHY?! Who do you think you are? Who are you to me to answer your freaking calls or texts?!!”
I am so mad at him that I didn’t even realized that I had raised my voice at him in front of many students but I don’t care! I still glared at him and saw he was so shocked to my outburst. I quickly ran away when I saw Eunhyuk coming toward us. I just want to be alone for now! I can’t believe that I’ve done that! That is not me. I hide inside the cubicle and silently cried, I am so mad and hurt. I know I don’t have the rights to cry over him because he’s not mine to begin with. I am just his freaking living diary. I didn’t tell any of my friends about this because even if I trusted my friends I don’t want to share my memories of him with others. I sober and quietly leave the cubicle to wash my face. I exhaled and I tell myself to man up. I smiled and make my way to my class. This should be the last time I will cry over him.
From that day, he didn’t bother me anymore like the old times. Sometimes he would ask to borrow blue pens which he didn’t return to me.
It’s time for another school year to end and until that day we didn’t talk like we used to. Somehow it helped me to clear my mind even if it still hurts.
--
This is our last year as a high school student.
We are still classmates in our new section, 4-B and as the school year goes by we started to become friends again. I can’t stay away from him even if I wanted too. That how stupid I am.
--
I went to the supplies store near my favorite spot here inside the school to buy some pens because of that pig who didn’t return my pens. I took the opportunity to sit on the bench in my fav. spot and just closed my eyes. This way I can think properly, what should I do? Should I stop liking him? I felt the drizzle and quickly brought out my umbrella because now it started to rain. As I walk towards the school gate I saw him running ahead of me.
“HOY!” I shouted to catch his attention which he stop on his tracks. He turned his gaze towards me and grin widely when he recognized it’s me. As I see him running towards me, like in movies, the surrounding suddenly slowed, I can’t breathe and I was dumbstruck staring at him. Suddenly I felt his hands grasp mine as he hold the umbrella. There I realized that I am now officially stupidly, deeply in love with him. I’ve fallen deeper and I don’t know how to escape.
Slowly, as days goes by, we were starting to go back to the way like we used to before the news about them with Donghae. They decided to ended their relationship a few months before the school year resume. And now my damn hopes comes back. Sometimes I question myself what did I see in him? Why do I even fall in live with him? Is there really an answer when in comes to love? I have so many question and I can’t come up with an answers so I just decided to enjoy the moments we shared because I am starting to feel that he’s hiding something from me.
--
“Hey! Did you know the latest gossip!” Ugh! Here we go again. My friends do know about the latest gossips around our batch.
“Kyuhyun and Siwon are in a relationship now. Wow! Isn’t kinda early for them? Like the school year just started last month.”
“Nah! Maybe they just love each that they decided to be an item, immediately.” My friend, Leeteuk, who is beside me and utter those words!!! Argh!!!
I can’t breathe! For the second time around! I don’t know what to say! I just want to get out of here!
“I just go first guys.”
“Okay.”
I pack my things and left hurriedly. I felt my tears rolling and quickly brushed it off. I thought we can be together. I am so stupid! I’ve been thinking to confess to him but I was so damn coward and now I am too late again! ! Now that I admit to myself that I am ing in love with him. Way deeply compare before and for the second time around he didn’t even tell me again! I want to strangled him to death!! I can’t hold back the tears anymore so I ran to the nearest cubicle and locked myself. I told myself that I won’t cry over him but I just can’t stop. I can’t tell my friends the same reason I have before. I know it sound selfish but that is the only moments I have with him. I cried heartily and didn’t even care who would hear me, it was dismissal and mostly students are on their way home or loitering around the campus. But here I am again. I cried for someone who doesn’t even know what is my feelings for him. I am so stupid. I closed my eyes and started playing the moments I have of him in my mind. I am happy every time I see him smile. I exhaled and realized I shouldn’t self pity myself, I should be strong and besides I’ve been here so I can do this even if this time is worst compare before. If this would make him happy I should be happy too even if I can’t smile anymore.
As the days gone by I didn’t show to everyone that I am weak especially to him. I was able to bounce back to where I am in his life, as his friend. Unlike before I avoided him but now I am here in his side. There was a time that I agree to write a love letter for Siwon. I used it as my opportunity to express my true feelings for him. I can’t say that I am truly happy for him but slowly I accepting it.
Slowly as I accept the truth the pain lessen. Maybe I can find a way to escape this. Maybe I can unloved him.
As I am sitting here under a tree on my favorite spot inside our school. I closed my eyes and recall the things that made me think that he could have feelings for me too. Probably I just imagined it. It still hurts, I do truly love him even if he can’t return it.
“HOY!” I squealed loudly because someone I don’t want to see startled me. And now he’s laughing his off. Gawd! I hate his laugh!
“Funny!” I sarcastically told him and punched him in his arm. I straighten out my school uniform and look at him.
“What?” I just realized that every time he’s looking at me right in the eyes, there’s something into it that telling me different emotions that I can’t figure out.
“Nothing.” He averted his eyes and look straight.
I took the chance to look at him even for the last time. I know Siwon went home already and tomorrow we are officially graduate of batch 2010. This would be probably the last time that I would see him so I let myself to be selfish even for a short time. I memorize his features in my head and enjoy this moment with him.
He turned his gaze back at me and smiled. This time I can’t help to genuinely smile back at him.
I love you.
--
“LEE SUNGMIN!!! YAH!!”
“Huh? What?”
“You were so into it you forgot you’re in the present!!”
“Ugh! Sorry! This is so freaking wrong! Just because I saw his recent photo in FB, this stupid feelings came rushing back again to me!!! He still affects me the way he affects me before! I hate this!!!!”
“You know, I read somewhere that sometimes you thought you still love the person you love but you just remember how you felt you loved that person. Do you think you still love him the way you love him before or is it just the thought of still loving him?”
I held my head because I am so confused right now.
“I know that my feelings for him before is true hence he’s my first love! And now I just can’t believe I just said that!”
“Do you still love him?”
“Ugh!!! YES!! I STILL LOVE HIM!!”
This is agony!! She just laughed loudly over the phone! I sigh loudly. This is so bad!
“I remember his favorite blue ball pen! Every time his blue pen well others are mine, ran out of ink he keeps it inside his bag’s pocket!”
“Maybe it has a meaning why he keeps it.” I just groaned and face palm myself.
“Hahaha! Why don’t you just tell him! Is been more than 5 years since that day, you know. And ever since back then you haven’t even tell him that you’ve love him.”
“I don’t know. I just want to end this misery of mine! And he doesn’t need to know.”
“Haha!!! You know it’s really up to you if you really want to forget about him or not.”
“Yeah, I know!” I sigh and she laughs. She just so love it when I’m like this!
“Thanks, Chullie!”
“Nah! You know I love to tease you about Kyuhyun before and well until now. Haha. “
“Whatever!” I hang up the phone still hearing her laugh! Can I strangle her too!!!
I groaned and exhaled. I don’t want to think about him. I admit that I still have feelings for him maybe not that deeply unlike when we were in high school but still he affects me so much. I thought I forget about him and yet I’m still here hoping that maybe just a tiny little chance,that we can be together. I shake my head as if I could shake my thoughts of him away. These feelings and thoughts are not going anywhere so I should just kept it like I used to for so many years.
I exhaled and started viewing my news feed just scrolling down to see if there’s something interesting. I stopped and gaped at my computer screen. Oh no she didn’t! I am so gonna kill her!!! She posted a screenshot of our conversation about my confession that I still freaking in love with him and about his blue pens! What if he sees this!!!! Argh!! KIM HEECHUL!!!!!!
I was busy typing a message to her to delete that post when my phone rang, not minding to check if its her calling again because I know she knows I already saw it, I immediately answer it.
“! DELETE THAT POST!!!” I am so mad right now that I have to check if there’s someone on the line. I heard someone laughing and it’s somehow awfully familiar.
“CHILL!” I gaped at my phone! I can’t believe this!
“KYUHYUN?!”
Oh no! Here I go again.
END!
AN: Need to fix sooner :]
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