After we had been together for almost three years we both decided to go on vacation. He felt stressed out because of his family and also because of his work he had back then.  His parents were continuously nagging at him for being with me. They wanted him to – if I correctly recall it – cut the garbage and stop behaving like a lunatic. They wanted him to leave me, but he never did. He decided to let me be his family, his guardian and his shelter whenever he needed me. I was thankful for that but it indeed left me feel responsible for the fact that they didn’t have a good connection with each other anymore. I felt sorry and very self-conscious about that and thus I also apologized to him a thousand of times and I even thought that far, that I almost broke up with him, just so he could have a better bond with his family again. Even his sister turned his back on him when he needed help and he couldn’t expect anything from his parents anymore. We had a big fight after that, because I didn’t want to tear him away from his family but he didn’t want to leave me and that was the night when I finally decided that I will always be there for him whenever he wanted me to be and that I would always help him in any situation. I realized that it was the point where he just couldn’t turn back to his family anymore and if I would have left him? He wouldn’t have had anyone anymore.I loved him. It would’ve been the worst decision of my life, but afterwards I was relieved that I decided against it. It tore me apart as he was pleading when tears streamed down his face. I promised to never make him feel like that again as I held him close to myself.

                As everything settled down between us again a few days later we finally decided to book a hotel near the beach, which was by car just a little more than an hour away from Seoul. The hotel was at the Incheon Beach and we planned to go for two weeks.

Two weeks full of sun, the sea, the beach and also: Just us two without thinking about any problems. It would’ve been perfect. I was pretty much sure it would have been the perfect vacation.

“Hey, Kiki!” Yoseob came back home from work the day before we wanted to drive off for our trip, threw his bag on the ground as he quickly took off his shoes and greeted me with a peck on the lips like he always did on each day of the week. His peck always pulled the corners of my lips into a little smile.  “Are you done with packing?” I nodded at his question and motioned towards our suitcases. “I did, and I just finished. I just hope I didn’t forget anything…” I moved over to the couch and finally closed both suitcases as I threw my last shirt I wanted to take with me into my suitcase.

The next day we got up at around 10 am, had breakfast and stuffed our bags and suitcases into the back of the car. He told me to drive and I agreed. I knew he didn’t like to drive and he always had a thing for making me do the stuff he wanted me to do. First he came closer, then he wrapped his arms around my waist and looked up at me with puppy-dog eyes I couldn’t resist, but really,…who could? I got into the driver’s seat as he was done bribing me with his hugs and kisses and Yoseob sat down next to me in the car. On this day, I still remember, the sun was shining and no single cloud was in sight.

                We reached our hotel after almost two hours of driving, I parked the car and we checked in. I let myself fall onto the bed, I felt kind of tired but Yoseob immediately jumped on top of me and whined that he wanted to go to the beach. “Come on, Kiki! Let’s go, let’s go…let’s goo!” I grinned wearily and got up.

The only thing I had in mind this vacation was, that I wanted to propose to him. I already wanted to do it a few weeks before our vacation but he seemed too unnerved and like he was worrying too much about everything, so the vacation came in very handy for me. As they almost ended and we had just left about three days there, I thought it was the time. I had already planned the whole day with the littlest of details and I just had hoped everything would be alright.

“Hey, Kikwang! We should go to the water park!”, Yoseob suggested one morning as he was putting on some sun lotion onto his smooth and quite tanned skin. “Aniya! I don’t want to…” I pouted and sat up, I didn’t want the day to turn out differently than I planned. “Mwo? Why?” He asked and looked up to the mirror to look directly at me. “I just-… not today?” I smiled apologetically and tilted my head at him. “We can go tomorrow?” I saw a little disappointment in his eyes and I sighed. “C’mon…today or tomorrow… doesn’t matter! Neh?” I stood up and hugged him from behind, resting my chin on his shoulder and looked at his reflection in the mirror. I felt his body lean into mine as he nodded. “Okay then.”

                We went to the beach together but instead of searching for a place to lay down I took his hand and told him that I wanted to walk along the beach until we’d reach the end. “That’ll take forever!” He laughed and just went along with it. After some time I pulled him closer, wrapping my arm around his waist and walked quite long until he told me that he couldn’t walk any step further and that he wasn’t made for walking. I laughed and asked what he’d say if I’d tell him that we needed to walk the whole way back. A whine left his lips and I bit back an amused smile before leading him away from the beach and then we took a carriage drawn by two horses back to our hotel.

                After reaching our hotel we showered and changed into different clothes and then I finally took him to the place I wanted to propose to him. He was confused why we wouldn’t eat at the hotel and as we got into the restaurant he looked around and then down at himself. “Why are we here…? Let’s go somewhere else…” He murmured, turning around to me and wanted to go again. “Waeyo?” I took a grip of his wrist. “Yah, you should’ve said we’d go to such a noble restaurant. I’m dressed like a hobo.” I laughed, he amused me, but I never understood why he was so self-conscious with himself. “You look perfect.” I told him and took his hand, pulling him into the restaurant and looked out for our table. The waiter recognized me from the day before and led us to it. “Wait. You planned that?!” Yoseob leaned towards me and narrowed his eyes at me. “You could’ve said something!”

                We sat down, ate, and as we were finished and just sitting there silently I was playing with the glass of champagne in my hand. I felt nervous, I knew I was sure that I wanted to ask him but still, I felt so so so incredibly nervous and like having had a lump in my throat. “Yoseob.” I remember that his name just seemed like a squeak to me back then but he looked up at me, and I think he maybe tried to hide a giggle as he saw my serious face. I stood up, took a deep breath and knelt next to him, holding a black little box in his direction. As I opened it to reveal a silver ring with a diamond the important words spilled quickly past my lips.

“Will you marry me?”

And I remember the next few minutes like it would’ve been yesterday or just an hour ago. I have the scene clearly in front of my eyes, because he shocked me there for a moment. He seemed as if he was hesitating and I thought it might have been the wrong time or that it was still too early for him. I felt nervous but then I noticed that he probably tried not to cry right there, he tried to hold his tears back from shedding and he tried hard, biting his lip and then he nodded – much to my relief, I must say.

The last remaining days felt like the best, carefree and stress less days we have had in a long time. He was happy and so were I. We were kind of upset as we had to pack our stuff again and load it into the trunk of the car. He bribed me to drive again – and of course I did. He was just too good at that and I couldn’t refuse anything he wanted. Only if I had known back then… I surely would’ve denied.

                The sun was high above us, it was hot that day and so I opened up the car top. The wind was running through our hair as we drove on the highway. Yoseob, with his sunglasses on his nose, was sure the type who didn’t like to sit still or one who liked car drives. He tended to distract me sometimes.

                “Want one?”, he asked, holding out a sandwich to me and I chuckled, shaking my head. “Not now.”

                A few minutes later he was leaning over to me and pressed his lips against my cheek with a loud smooch.

                The next second changed everything.

My eyes fill with salty tears and blurry my vision every time I think about what happened and there is not a single day in which my mind is at peace and won’t think about it. It’s haunting me, I feel responsible for what happened and I probably just am.

                It all happened actually too fast, suddenly our car was colliding with the car of someone else. I couldn’t comprehend in this moment if it was because Yoseob distracted me for a moment or because of the other driver. Luck was – or was not, depends how one sees it – on our side later on as the other person had to pay for all. I still never felt content about that, it still continued to bother me that I thought everything was my fault.

As the two cars collided, ours was pushed to the side with such an enormous strength since we both drove pretty fast and then we rolled over. I can still hear Yoseobs screams and cries until the car didn’t move anymore and then it was silent. I desperately squeaked out for Yoseob several times but I didn’t get any answer. I tried to move, unbuckled my seatbelt but my legs felt numb. I reached out for Yoseobs face, tried to turn his head towards me and all I could see and feel was blood trailing along his cheeks and soiling his blond hair.

                “Yoseob!” I cried and cried and cried over again, trying to wake him up, having thought of the worst. And everything felt numb and I started to feel dazed until everything around me just blended out and I wallowed in my own pity and sobs. I didn’t even notice much when the ambulance finally came and brought us to the next hospital.

                I woke up after having slept almost twenty hours straight, my whole body hurt and some parts of my legs and arms as well as my chest were covered bandages. I felt sleepy, tired, worn out and most of all: confused. I looked around the room and then it hit me, I widened my eyes and sat up.  My back hurt, I hissed for a second but it didn’t matter much at the moment. I looked around but I was alone in the room. I pushed a button to get a nurse and my eyes filled with tears again as I thought of Yoseob and finally realized that the car crash hasn’t been a nightmare at all. As someone finally came into my room I asked for Yoseob.

They said he fell into a coma.