Hyukjae was rather surprised when Eeteuk knocked on his door later that day and asked if he had time to talk.

“What’s up Teukie-hyung?” he asked rather worried when he saw the older’s expression. It was a mixture of sadness, hurt, confusion and something he would come to know as self-loathing. Eeteuk let himself fall down in Hyukjae’s bed and started fidgeting a bit with his hands before looking up at his dongsaeng with shiny eyes due to the unshed tears.

“I slept with Siwon,” he whispered and looked down at his hands. Hyukjae sat in something that resembled shock but decided not to say anything and just let Eeteuk control where this conversation should go. Eeteuk soon began having difficulties breathing evenly as he fought the emotions welling up inside of him.

“I thought of Youngwoon the entire time!” he choked out before breaking down into hysterical sobs. Hyukjae quickly scooted over and wrapped his arms around the leader. He still didn’t say anything but just sat there, rocking the leader’s shaking body gently from side to side in an attempt to calm the older down. He him on the back and tried to hum a soft tune. It took several minutes before Eeteuk was able to talk again.

“What am I doing, Hyukkie?” he asked, sounding so lost and broken that it broke Hyukjae’s heart completely. He was clinging to Hyukjae’s shirt as if it was his only lifeline and looking at the younger as if he was the only one able to answer all his questions.

“I am not sure,” Hyukjae asked truthfully. “Perhaps you are trying to replace Kangin-hyung? How did he tell you to find new love again, hyung? Did he say so before he left?”

“No, he… he wrote a letter. All soldiers have to write a letter of goodbye before they go to war in case they die. His letter was dedicated to me and he told me to find new love,” Eeteuk explained, still hiccupping to catch enough air to stay conscious.

“Oh,” Hyukjae said, feeling a bit happy that Kangin had written his letter to Eeteuk and yet at the same time a bit sad that he interpreted the letter in a way that seemed to hurt him more than do him any good. He knew that Kangin would never have meant to hurt Eeteuk. “Maybe that is why, then. When it was his last wish, so to speak, perhaps you feel obliged to fulfil it even though you are not ready to?” Hyukjae hypothesised. Eeteuk looked down for a long time before he looked up and caught Hyukjae’s gaze again. He seemed hesitant to say what was on his mind.

“I… He became a part of me, Hyukkie. He always was a part of me, I just only realised it when we got together. I don’t understand it. I know with my brain that he is dead, General Lee said that he and his battalion was caught in an explosion. There is no way he could have made it. But… My heart won’t accept it. He was such a big part of me surely I would feel that part leave me when he died?” Eeteuk’s eyes were now filled with new tears as he voiced one of the thoughts he had not been able to admit to even himself that he had held since the message had arrived. Hyukjae looked thoughtful once again.

“I don’t know, Teukie-hyung,” he said, sounding truly sorry that he couldn’t provide the answers that the other so desperately sought for. “I think, maybe you were in so much of a shock that you didn’t