The bells dinged as I entered the small florist shop. I greeted Ms. Kim and her son, Jaewoon, before heading towards the roses.

Humming, I plucked out six white and six yellow. I handed them to Jaewoon and he grabbed some other greenery as decoration and tied

by the stems with two green rubber bands.

     “Going to see her?”, Ms. Kim asked. I smiled, everyone knew who you were. “Yes m’am.” The mother and son gave me pitiful smiles

as I dug out my wallet. She punched in the numbers on the cash register and I gave her the money. I big them a goodbye and took both

bouquets in hand, walking back out into the mid-day sun.

    Whenever I would go visit you I would by flowers from this shop. The street was always lively and happy. I guess that’s why your dad

and I thought it would be good to rest you here, alongside your mother. At the end of the block was the cemetery, so the flower shop was

the perfect distance. On the way I went into the small party store and bought a pink balloon.

    As I neared the gate I saw Eunkwang’s and Peniel’s cars parked across the street. They would always come along whenever I would

see you. Sungjae gave me a sad smile when I waved at them. The passenger window rolled down when I neared the car.

    “We already went to see them.” Minhyuk said quietly. I nodded and looked at each of their faces. They never made it easier for me. It

was already hard enough coming up here, but it was for them too. “I’ll be back in a little bit then.”

“Take your time.” Changsub said. I continued walking, they didn’t need to tell me I always took as long as I needed.

    Butterflies landed on the flowers while birds flew around singing cheerful songs, giving the place a happier appearance. I walked a

short distance and placed the white roses on your mother’s grave. “Annyeong omeoni.” I smiled, “I brought your favorite.”  Taking a few

steps to the left I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Hi jagiya.”, I sat down in front of the tombstone and placed the yellow roses down.

“Hi baby~” I tied the pink balloon that read, “It’s a Girl!” to the flowers. “You know what today is right?” I smiled brightly, “It’s our third year

together!” Would’ve been…

    “And you~ my bundle of joy are six months today!” I tried holding back my tears. Would’ve been… That’s right, would’ve been. She

hadn’t even been born yet, when it happened…

You had just left the clinic with the news, excited and scared of how you were going to tell me. Three months ago we found out, three

months ago I found out I was going to be a dad, and three months ago on a Sunday…I lost it all, I lost both of you.

    When I showed up to the Intensive Care wing, the doctor was talking to your dad in the hallway. “Is she okay?” I asked frantically,

“What happened?”

The driver didn’t see you, and a problem with the traffic lights made the light turn green too soon. The doctor looked down slightly and I

shook my head, “No. No, no.”

    “He said it doesn’t look good Ilhoon.”, your dad sobbed. I burst into the room and felt my heart break into a million pieces. You were

hooked onto so much and were bruised in so many places, bandages covered your body. “Baby?”, I went to your side and put my hand

over yours. Your eyes opened slightly and you tried to smile through the oxygen mask.

    I felt you weakly wrap your fingers around mine and furrowed my brows when I touched the crumbled paper. Your eyes looked down

at our hands and I carefully opened your hand, taking out the sheet. Smoothing out the picture I realized what it was, an ultrasound shot.

Tears fell when I saw the small arrow labeled girl. I could see her small feet and hands, her little arms and legs, our child.

    Gently, I planted a kiss on your forehead, “You’re going to be fine.” I assured, “Everything is going to be fine and-and this beautiful-

beautiful amazing little girl is-is-” You slowly lifted up your hand, placing a finger on my lips to silence me. Your eyes told me that you

already knew what was going to happen. I fisted the sheets of the hospital bed, and touched our foreheads, slowly removing the oxygen

mask from your face.

    “I love you.” you said, tears streaming down your face, “I love you Jung Ilhoon, I always have and always will.”, you strained your voice

to speak. I couldn’t stop crying and kissed you, “I love you so much, only you baby girl, only you.” You smiled and I heard the heart

monitor’s tempo slow down dramatically. “No.” I shook my head, “Please, no.”

    “It’s okay.” You whispered, “You’ll be okay.” I continued shaking my head as your hand slowly let go of mine and the sound of the

monitor stayed a steady tone. I cried harder and looked at the screen, seeing the flat green line. “Baby?” I whimpered, “Don’t…” I laid my

head and sobbed into the white sheets, continuing to hold onto your limp hand.

    I heard the door open and nurses telling me to move. I refused and yanked away from them, continuing to hold onto you. Your dad

came inside and dragged me by the arm, pulling me into a hug. I didn’t stop crying the whole day and night. My hands tightly holding

onto the picture of our child, our little girl.

    I pulled out the photo and gave a little sigh, “I know that you’re all very happy because you’re all together.” I said. “Your dad and I,

we’re doing fine. The guys keep us occupied enough and I’m that much closer to being done with school.” I felt a gentle cool breeze blow

through and I smiled, “I miss you too.”

I talked to you three for hours, as I usually would.

    “Ilhoon?” I glanced back and saw all the guys standing there. “It’s going to be dark soon….” Peniel said gently. I sighed, he was right.

If it wasn’t for them I would’ve stayed the night and fallen asleep like I had the first time I visited you. Nodding I stood up, “I’ll be out in a

minute.” They began walking back as I looked down at your tombstone.

    “I love you, both of you.” I said, “Don’t ever forget that.” I brought two of my fingers to my lips and kissed them, putting them on the

cold grey stone.

“I’ll come by later after I finish my exams okay?” I smiled. “I love you jagiya, I love you baby princess~” I did the same to your mother’s

stone, “Love you too omeoni.”

    The sun was heading down towards the horizon when I closed the black gate. Looking back I saw the pink balloon swaying in the

wind. Blinking away the tears I took a second glanced and stared as I saw you standing there with a smile blowing me a kiss, you were

carrying a our baby in her pink blanket. “Hyung?” I jumped when Sungjae placed a hand on my shoulder, “You ready to go?”

    I looked again and saw nothing but the balloon. “Yeah.” I nodded, “I’m ready.” He led me to the car and I continued looking at the pink

dot until it was out of sight.