Barriers

Still Alive

 

VII

          Every sunrise, Seunghyun’s heart sank.

          Maybe it was because even though he’d been awake the whole night, he hoped he’d missed something. Maybe he hadn’t noticed something. Maybe he had fallen asleep. Maybe he’d been asleep all along. Maybe he’d closed his eyes for a second, and the darkness really had enveloped him. Maybe he’d disappeared. Maybe he’d died.

          The sunrise disproved all of his theories.

          But nothing kept Seunghyun so sure of his existence as the pain.

Even a week after Running Man and his bitter feelings toward himself and his life started, nothing improved.
          It was true that when he busied himself, he was numb. During interviews, the hopelessness faded to a dull fog. He remained quiet so he wouldn’t give himself away, but was able to listen to the other members with a slight smirk.  When the sun was out, he found it harder to dwell on what he wanted to avoid.

          And his life made it so easy to avoid.

          As all three brand new music videos were released, the demand for Big Bang performances grew exponentially. Variety shows demanded their appearance. Interviewers pleaded to know how they were doing. Fans begged for news. For pictures. For meets. For performances. And it all kept Seunghyun busy and distracted.

          As the group did more and more interviews together almost every day, there was less time for training and divided schedules. Seunghyun was able to calm himself with Jiyong’s presence. Though he failed to recognize the pattern, he didn’t care where he was or what he was doing, as long as he was with Jiyong. He was the only reason he didn’t just run away from the life he knew.

          But how could he keep him up by bothering him at night? Jiyong was tired too. He couldn’t just go crying into his room at three in the morning and describe the nightmares he’d been having while wide awake. So he endured them in the solitary confinement of his room instead.

          The dark thoughts made Seunghyun twist his covers around his legs. His pillow wound up on the floor. He tossed and turned, never finding a position that would help his brain to relax. He’d finally started to wear socks after realizing how much creaking the wood floor made under bare feet.

          Some nights the pain would be immobilizing. Others he couldn’t keep still. Each morning he felt like one of his wind-up toys, having no energy on his own to get out of bed.

          The coordi-noonas had kept mum about the bags under Seunghyun’s eyes. They had to up his skin care regimen; stress was making blemishes threaten his skin. And blemishes were a no-go. So more foundation it was.

          As good as he was at mirroring Jiyong’s excitement during performances, after the comeback stages, Seunghyun couldn’t help the feeling of being drained. He flat-out refused to go to after parties, even the Inkigayo ones he’d enjoyed so much in the past.

          Only Jiyong was sure that Seunghyun hadn’t been sleeping. The others must have had their own misgivings, but Seunghyun hadn’t bothered anyone else. He hadn’t dumped his problems on his friends. He was already ridden with guilt over stressing Jiyong.

          Meanwhile, Jiyong himself didn’t know what to do. Or say. His best friend had been so distant, and it seemed as if nothing would tether him back to whatever had been reality.

          Though he was able to sleep when he wanted, he stayed up late worrying every once and awhile. He never made it evident to Seunghyun. He observed him carefully, monitoring his gradual decline day by day. He’d ridden home with Seunghyun before going to the parties himself, heart sinking every time the front door of the dorm closed in finality.

          He knew Seunghyun couldn’t avoid everything forever.

          “Come on, hyung, it’ll be fun,” Jiyong attempted to persuade him to go to another party one night while they were alone in the car. “They know what food you like.”

          Seunghyun shrugged and looked out the window to avoid his eyes. “I’m tired.”

          “So am I!” Jiyong said carelessly, leaning toward him and flipping his head back on the seat. His hair made swirls on the leather, and Seunghyun examined the bold orange extensions rather than look at Jiyong’s face. “But it’s a party! You love parties!” He threw his hands up desperately. “I don’t know,” he sighed and rubbed his face roughly with both of his hands. “I’m just worried about you, I guess. You love drinking. We love drinking…” He paused. “I miss you.”

          Seunghyun’s eyes flicked to measure Jiyong’s expression - he was caught off guard with how fast their eyes met. He felt like Jiyong had been monitoring him through their entire conversation. Jiyong’s gaze lingered even as Seunghyun turned away.

          Seunghyun traced the dents in the leather on the door with a fingernail. “I guess I could go…” He wanted to go to the party with Jiyong. He wanted to try getting drunk, and see if that helped anything. He wanted to have fun.  But he knew that though he’d enter the party with Jiyong, he’d hardly spend any time with him at all. Maybe they’d cross paths while entertaining different guests or managers; exchange a few superficial words. Seunghyun knew how these parties worked. “But I won’t be much fun.”

          Jiyong relaxed and shrugged. “I don’t care. You will be. It’ll be good to spend time with you outside of practice again.” He gave him a supportive smile.

          With that grin, Seunghyun couldn’t turn Jiyong down. He registered that his band mate must have been doing him a favor. The media would realize that he’d been absent during the parties soon. The other group members would ask questions. He needed to go to dispel suspicion. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m not as tired today as I was before the last party.” He reasoned lamely, deciding that a little white lie would be okay to use. “I’ll come.”

          Jiyong grabbed his wrist and bounced up and down a little. “You really will? Great!” He sighed contentedly and slouched back into his seat. The seatbelt grazed against his face as he sank lower. “Daesung’s really a terrible drinking partner. And then Youngbae and his morals…” He mocked in a high-pitched voice. “I’m glad I’m going to have you back.”

          The corner of Seunghyun’s lip twitched, but he didn’t look from the headrest in front of him. “Yeah…” He said softly. He didn’t say anything else.

          Jiyong’s smile slowly faded as he watched him.

***

          “Seunghyun!” Seungri’s eyes widened when he saw TOP entering the venue behind Jiyong. “You actually came today! I thought you were going home!” He smiled broadly and hurried over from the couch he’d been sitting on.

          “Yeah, Ji convinced me tonight,” Seunghyun said in a monotone voice, putting more of a show on for him than he did for Jiyong, but not being as fake as he was when there was a camera in front of him. “I could use a good time.” He smirked and automatically went to the bar to get a drink. Jiyong followed him.

          People began entering the building. It seemed as though they came in packs, or seeped through the walls. Seunghyun hadn’t registered the noise until he realized that he had to yell to keep up his conversation with Jiyong.

          And with more people came more distractions.

          “Wow, T.O.P in the flesh!” A man in a spiffy business suit approached Seunghyun while Jiyong was busy talking to a reporter of some sort. “My daughter will be jealous of me,” he chuckled. “She’s very happy that Big Bang came together as a group again.”

          It took a few tries, but Seunghyun managed to pull his face into a charming smile. “I’m glad!” He pushed his hair back, aware that if this man was a good father, he’d recount every second of this conversation to his VIP daughter. “We made the new CD for our fans. The response we’ve gotten has been amazing.” He scanned the man, but he wasn’t wearing any sort of nametag or pin that indicated who he was. “I’m sorry; I don’t think we’ve met...?” He held out a hand.

          The man took it eagerly. “Yoong Chungho. I’m one of the owners of the stadium.”

          “Oh, well thank you for letting us use it! We had a great time,” Seunghyun said, measuring his words and bowing. He noticed Jiyong had finished his conversation and tapped his shoulder. “Ji, this is Yoong Chungho. He’s a co-owner of the stadium we performed in.”

          Jiyong turned in his stool to face the man. “Oh, wow! Thank you for coming to the party!” He bowed and shook the man’s hand as well. “The stage was one of the easiest to perform on. And there were so many people there! Thank you so much for allowing us and VIPs to use it,” he smiled his most winning smile.

          “My daughter would be at my throat if I hadn’t!” The older man chortled.

          “It’s been nice meeting you,” Seunghyun said, nodding his head.

          “Yes, I hope we come back to this city soon,” Jiyong chimed in.

          “My daughter hopes so too!” The man hooted, grabbing his drink off the counter before walking off,

          Seunghyun waved at the bartender to get another drink. That had been easy. Maybe the parties hadn’t been as bad as he remembered. “There were so many people crammed into that stadium... I don’t know if it’s just been a long time since we’ve had a really big performance, but it seemed larger than I’ve ever seen it.” He received his new glass of alcohol and held the icy glass in his hand for a moment, savoring the feeling.

          “It’s great to know the fans like the new album, isn’t it? I was worried about it.” Jiyong said honestly, swirling the pink straw of his drink around.

          “Why would you be? You’re a genius with your writing.”

          Jiyong ducked his head and grinned humbly. “I don’t know… I guess it just seems like, whatever I do, there’s something the fans don’t like.”

          “I couldn’t find a flaw in your writing.” Seunghyun said, frowning. “You can’t please everyone.”

          “Yeah…” Jiyong sighed, capping the top of the straw with his thumb and bringing it to his mouth. “It’s stressful though, I –“ He registered two teenagers with badges coming in their direction and replaced his straw back in his drink, leaning against the countertop coolly.

          “Hey, what’s up?” He asked the two boys, who instantly looked at each other and covered their mouths with shock.

          “Oh, it’s so nice to meet you –“ the taller one said, and his voice was deeper than Seunghyun was expecting. It was contrary to the way the kid carried himself.

          “You two are so great, we’re huge fans,” the second nodded, turning a delicate shade of pink. The taller boy scanned his face and scoffed, patting him on the cheek.

          Seunghyun and Jiyong bowed. “Thank you so much for your support,” Jiyong said, smiling at the both of them. He was beginning to get a bit flustered himself, but Seunghyun didn’t understand why. He’d met plenty of VIPs in the past. Hell, he’d hugged probably thousands of them. But he was acting strange. “Are you two from around here?” It wasn’t often that fans got into the after parties. Maybe they’d won some contest.

          “Oh, no,” the shorter and presumably younger boy said shakily. “We’re from America. We won some video contest, so we got to come here.”

          “The concert was great,” the older cut in, receiving a shove from his friend. “You guys are even better live.”

          Seunghyun smirked. “That’s awesome. It’s so cool to see international fans. We aren’t able to perform for them often.”

          Jiyong nodded fervently. “It’s not often that we see international fans that aren’t girls either! What are your names?”

          “I’m Kyubong,” the taller supplied, wrapping his arm around the shoulders of his friend and ruffling his hair. “He’s Minkyung.”

          Minkyung ducked under Kyubong’s arm and hugged him around his waist. “We’re so lucky to get to meet you.”

          Jiyong cleared his throat and downed the rest of his drink.

          “Thanks for coming! I hope you continue to like Big Bang a lot,” Seunghyun said, reaching forward for a handshake. Jiyong did the same, but the tips of his ears were oddly pink. He had that look about him that meant he wanted to tell Seunghyun something, or that he was about to burst out laughing.

          The fanboys shook each of their hands excitedly, continuing to blubber about how thankful they were for the opportunity. Seunghyun nodded them off modestly, feeling awkward as he always did when receiving compliments. He felt terrible looking those kids in the face when that same morning he’d been dreading going to the performance. They bowed once more and turned away, holding hands.

          Once they’d gone a far enough distance away, Jiyong spun around in his seat to face the counter, and Seunghyun did the same.

          “What’s your problem?” Seunghyun chortled. “What was wrong with them? They were really nice!”

          Jiyong raised his eyebrows at him. “You didn’t notice?”

          “Notice what?”

          “Hyung, Americans don’t do skinship.”

          “What do you mean?”

          “I mean, guys don’t touch each other like that normally in America.” He jabbed his thumb in their direction. “They’re a couple.”

          Seunghyun made a sound of disbelief, quirking a single eyebrow.

          Jiyong shrugged and called for another drink, sizing up Seunghyun’s reaction. “Don’t see that often.”

          “You’re sure?”

          “Pretty sure… I don’t want to make a snap judgment or anything but… It’d make sense… Unless they’re both from Korea originally,” His blush went unregistered by Seunghyun, who was feeling uncomfortable. “Guys are really sensitive about getting near each other in America. I don’t like it.”

          Seunghyun was still a little lost. “So if some Americans saw this,” he scootched his stool closer to Jiyong’s and rested his elbow on the crook of his shoulder, tilting his face so his nose was almost brushing the other man’s cheek. “They’d think we were together?”

          Jiyong inhaled shallowly and clenched his right fist, the one out of Seunghyun’s sight. “Probably.”

          Seunghyun chuckled and pushed off from Jiyong, leaning back on the counter. “That’s stupid. I like being close to you.”

          Jiyong rubbed his arms quickly to hide his goosebumps.

          The whiskey eventually started going to Seunghyun’s head, and he started feeling the familiar effects of alcohol spread through his body. A gay couple? Just parading around? He thought it was weird.

          But he guessed they were still cute together.

          Jiyong didn’t seem apt to bring up the subject again.

 

A/N: I'll let you think what you want about what all of that meant. omo As for me, I'm just soups excited for the next chapter. and if you ship gtop at all you should be too~
Only a few weeks until summer~ I can't believe how quickly I've been able to get this out. It's at about 14K words, and I'VE BEEN MEETING MOST DEADLINES WOOO.
Shutting up before my A/N ruins what you've read. Have another great week my lovelies =3=

 

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u-ji-kwon
100 subscribers, oh my god, I really can't. Thank you all so much for reading! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧*:・゚✧*

Comments

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vododoll #1
Chapter 17: Cuteeee ,,,, i really like this story
bluedandelions #2
Chapter 2: I thought it was Youngbae who got annoyed by Tops dirty habits?
Anyways I like how its started.
MSkyDragons #3
I love all the emotions this fanfic brought out in me. I can relate to TOP's sleeping problems and I love how you can see their relationship slowly developing, as opposed to them just falling in love immediately. Absolutely brilliant!
WenZhen #4
Chapter 17: I was so... ANGRYYYY with Seunghyun for hurting my baby this way :'( I found him to be so cowardly and selfish, especially with how he treated Yongbae.. That's just some super amazing characterization right there! Really! I rarely feel so passionately for first-person fics that aren't GD-centric (I'm ridiculously biased I know ><;;) but your portrayal of Seunghyun is so interesting and 3-Dimensional! And it all seems rather believable given how he seemed abit cold and unresponsive towards GD during the ALIVE promotions. I did feel a tiny teeeeny weeeny bit outraged at how Seunghyun managed to resolve everything so neatly though (and not giving enough justice to the heartbreak he did to GD </3). But overall I really love this story :) thanks for writing this!
verine #5
First, thanks for sharing. I like the portrayal of Jiyong and TOP which still in character in my opinion and you clearly show the 'progress' and 'development' of their relationship. I'm tired reading fics where they don't have feeling with each other but then suddenly fall in love with each other. Good ending too LOL.

Now, for the constructive critism since I think u are a talented author..I know u have warned that the development will take a long time and u give good reason. BUT, the story is too slow paced. I fully agree that we need to see the progress (which is your good point) but I feel there are some unnecessary details that only make the chapter looked so long. In the end, I skipped many scenes in some chapters and I still get the flow of the story. I hope in the future, when u make another story with long progress, u may include only things that we have to read to understand the story, since the chapters would be long already.

Okay, that's it, again, thanks for sharing and wish to see u again in the future <3
thya-aryssa #6
Chapter 17: FANTASTIC BABY!!!

im gonna re-read this & put a longer comment :-)
GirlSwag #7
Chapter 17: I think that my be the best written story a I havecread here so far. You are really talented!
thecommander
#8
Ahhhh, I prefer these kinds of stories to any day, and your writing style is absolutley fabulous. @_@

Thank you for making me glad gtop is my only otp lol.
GtopJkey
#9
Just sat down and read all of this and it is ____ing amazing!
The plot, the fights, the emotions, the description. All of it. Perfect!
I feel I can relate to TOPs sleeping habits and all that for some reason..:3
Anyhow, I absoloutley adored this fic:')
I'll be looking forward to mor of your GTOP goodness-if you choose to be awesome and write more!
Oh god my feel!>__< xoxoxoxox