(A/N: You don't REALLY need to watch Strong Heart to understand this, but hey. You might benefit from it. Now that I've finished the chapter, I've decided that it's not too important. As long as you know some of the #TOP things that were said at that time, you'll be good.)

VIII

Some people complained about the tingling of hair bleach on their scalp.

They said it itched, it burned. Seunghyun tried to remember a time where it was irritating, but now as he sat in the leather chair in the salon, head tilted and eyes closed, he felt nothing. Maybe it was because his follicles were too mutilated to have any nerve endings left. That was probably a good explanation.

According to his hairdressers, his blue just wasn’t blue enough anymore. His dark roots had grown in, making the shade of teal become less shocking. He’d been shooed to his stylists to get it redyed before he’d be on Strong Heart with the rest of the YG Family.

And to pick out an outfit, of course.

He didn’t initiate any conversation with the woman who was busy scrubbing his scalp with the harsh chemical. In return, she ignored him as well. Sitting in the chair was easy. Sitting still for at least an hour while the bleach did its work was even easier.

After the bleach washed out, a leave-in conditioner was applied so that Seunghyun’s hair wouldn’t feel as much like straw as it would have otherwise. Originally he was going to try on different outfits after the blue-green dye had been administered, but everyone was in a rush. As soon as the conditioner had done its work, he was hurried to his dressing room.

Racks of clothes waited for him to try on, ranging from brightly colored outfits to the simple black and white ensembles.

          The trial of the first few sets went smoothly. Everyone was content with the ‘feedback’ Seunghyun was giving. But a few pairings of jackets and jeans later, it became noticeable that he was apathetic.      

          “What do you think? Do you like it?” A stylist asked, beginning to wring her hands.

          “It’s nice. I’ll wear it,” Seunghyun said flatly. If he’d been paying attention, he wouldn’t have allowed the ensemble he was donning. Stripes? No.

          “Nice? You don’t like it!” She threw up her hands and worked at getting the jacket off of him. Her assistant removed a white and black jacket from a hanger and they swapped them quickly. He blinked and the slim-fitting jacket was on him. Before he could register the change, Seunghyun was asked again what he thought of the outfit.

          He cleared his throat before answering, giving himself time to articulate his response. He still didn’t care about what he was going to wear, but he was bored of changing. “I really like this one,” he said, turning to view himself from different angles in the mirror.

 His acting seemed sufficient to the stylist, who smiled brightly and clapped her hands together. “Perfect! I like it, too. Now, those pants look good with it, yeah… And then those earrings…” She trailed off, bustling to find the proper accessories elsewhere. She was already out the door, followed closely by her assistant, before she remembered to call back. “You may go, Seunghyun-ssi. Leave the clothes on the racks. And you’re wanted back to finish your hair!”

Nodding absentmindedly even though she wouldn’t be able to see, Seunghyun began carefully removing the stiff jacket. He hung it up before going behind a curtain to change back into his previous clothes.

A combination of a sweatshirt and sweatpants made an outfit that wouldn’t be ruined with blue dye. It was comfortable, too. Seunghyun missed comfortable clothes. His leather pants came off with difficulty, the cuffs hooking around his ankles.

Strong Heart would be fun, he tried to convince his reflection in the mirror. He’d see 2NE1 again. Catch up with them about their comeback. Both groups had been so absorbed in practices and performances that they hadn’t had much time together as of late.

It had been a long time since he’d really seen Tablo. When neither of them was busy, at least. The YG building was huge.

He stepped out of his dressing room and rushed back to the salon downstairs. They’d probably want him to keep the dye in for a few hours. It would be best to get started quickly. Not have to go home with it.

As soon as he arrived, he was practically shoved back into the leather chair. The dye had already been measured out and mixed, the lady told him, scrubbing his previously white tresses with gloved hands. She stressed about how they’d need time to make sure there wasn’t any dye on his scalp or forehead, and how the producers hadn’t given her enough advance notice before the event to get him prepped nearly as well as she would have liked. She started speaking so quickly, in such a mumbling whisper, that Seunghyun didn’t feel bad about tuning her out. He felt like he was eavesdropping, anyhow.

He restarted his list of things to look forward to at Strong Heart.

Dongwook would be there! He thought suddenly, and the corner of his lip twitched. It had seemed like forever since they’d last spoken.

He thought about how long Se7en had been in YG; how long he’d worked without complaint.

He started being excessively aware of how roughly the woman was pressing on his scalp. But he focused on that hurt instead of the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach.

***

          The set of Strong Heart was a weird mix of hot and cold.

          One second Seunghyun found himself jogging to the next stage of his preparation, meeting with different directors for instructions, getting his hair done, checking his makeup, greeting everyone.

          The next, he’d be standing at a water cooler with Sandara, chatting lightly about the weather, their fans, their performances.

          The seating arrangement had to have changed at least five times. The producers couldn’t decide who would sit in the front; everyone from YG was so well-known and liked that seating anyone near the back would be unfair.

          Seungri had a familiarity with the stage and the MCs that Seunghyun envied. Feeling weirdly awkward waiting for instructions, he made an express decision that he wouldn’t speak more than he had to that night. Seungri, on the other hand, seemed to be making it a personal responsibility to hold the attention of as many people as he possibly could, and the show hadn’t even started yet. Seunghyun braced himself for the secrets Seungri might reveal later.

          “Seunghyun!” A familiar voice called from behind him.

Seunghyun whirled around immediately, a smile forming subconsciously on his face. “Dongwook!” He met the other man halfway and embraced him, laughing. “How are you? It’s been a long time.”

“Too long, too long.” He nodded in agreement. “Oh, I’ve been just fine. BIGBANG’s comeback is going so well, I’m really proud of you all.”

Seunghyun tilted his head downwards and beamed humbly. “It’s the fans I’m proud of, but thank you.”

“You ready?” Dongwook said, raising his eyebrows and pointing to the seat they would be sharing. “Someone just told me we should be on stage in a minute.”

Seunghyun blinked a few times before registering what a stage was, and why he needed to be on it. “Oh, uh, yeah.”

The backstage lights dimmed and all the other idols surrounded them.

The crowd cheered and Seunghyun almost forgot to smile.

***

The good thing about stadiums was that they were huge.

          The lights were so bright on stage that it was almost impossible to see what any of the fans looked like. And there were so many of them that it was impossible to search selectively from the sea.

          Here it was very different.

          There weren’t that many VIPs or Blackjacks that had gotten lucky enough to get in. They were all very close to the stage, and the stage itself was very small. Seunghyun tried not to make eye contact with any of them. But he kept spacing out unintentionally, and every time he’d resurface, he’d be staring at a different girl. None of the features of any of the girls sunk in. They were just blank faces to him.

          Of course, he had to keep listening. The whole point of the show was to talk and to react about what others were saying. But he found himself slipping a couple times. He tried to take a few deep breaths to recompose himself, but not much helped.

          Okay, maybe he could get to a bathroom. Get re-amped. Compose himself in privacy. Gummy was in the middle of talking. Okay. Maybe he could get off unnoticed. No, he should wait until she’s done and it’s a better time. Oh, she’d paused. He could have gone then. Now he had to wait again.

          His thoughts went like this for a while as Gummy continued her story, and Seunghyun kept changing his mind on when he should go. His indecisiveness making the whole situation worse. Now he actually had to go to the bathroom. He shifted uncomfortably.

          Okay. One, two, three.  Seunghyun stood up slowly, trying to keep down low so he wouldn’t block anyone’s view. He crept sideways off the stage… And was caught immediately.

          Seungri didn’t miss a beat. “He’s a dinosaur!” He said, pantomiming TOP stomping around instead of being sneaky, as he’d seen himself in his head.

          Seunghyun laughed outright. Seungri’s stupid jokes always made him laugh. He loved his maknae, and the attention he was on shows.

          “You were trying to go without being noticed, right?” The MC, Seungi, asked him, his charming smile catching his eyes.

          TOP nodded, bending over to laugh with the crowd at his own expense.
          “Where were you trying to go? The bathroom?”

          “Yeah...”

          “Well why didn’t you go before?”

          “Because Gummy was doing her talk, and I didn’t want to interrupt,” Seunghyun answered honestly.

          “Go, go!” Seungi shooed him off stage. Seungri was quick to imitate him again.

          On stage, Seunghyun sometimes forgot about what a production was put on behind the scenes. He’d been so relaxed chatting with Dongwook that he’d forgotten about the changing of lights and camera angles – all of the people working backstage were running around and shouting different instructions to each other. He was met by a director who led him to a bathroom and told him to hurry, at least he’d made a good exit, but he really should have thought of going before the show had started. Seunghyun bowed apologetically and shut the door behind him.

          He blinked at himself in the mirror. Okay, Seunghyun. You can do this. You see Ji over there? He’s having fun. Why can’t you just have fun, too? There are probably some fans watching right now that think you’re acting weird. You don’t want that. You’re happy. You’re fine. Go have fun. Dongwook’s there. Have fun. Loosen up, oh my god. You’re fine.

          It sounded almost identical to the chant he used to get out of bed every morning.

          He couldn’t tell if it had helped at all or not.

***

          “It’s okay, I’ll be coming to one of your stages soon,” Dongwook gave Seunghyun a hug in parting before climbing into his car. “I’ll see you much sooner than last time.”

          “Good, good. Bye.” He gave him a small wave and watched the car drive down the street for a while before returning back inside.

          There weren’t that many people left in the green rooms. Seunghyun maneuvered his way through the maze of hallways to find Jiyong’s room. He’d be in there, cleaning up his clothes, or something.

          Sure enough, GD’s door was open, showing him hanging up the last of five jackets that he’d brought – just in case. Leaning against the doorframe, Seunghyun watched him for a moment. The jacket slipped off of the hanger and Jiyong cursed himself.

          Seunghyun walked in and chuckled. “Is that another one of your ‘habits’?” He asked, brushing past him to get to his supply of water. Jiyong had an open bottle on his counter, and Seunghyun unscrewed it carelessly and downed the last of it.

          “No,” Jiyong shook his head, grinning behind Seunghyun’s back. “I treat my clothes with respect.” He walked over to Seunghyun and brushed off a drop of water that had dripped onto his jacket. “Unlike you,” he said cheekily, smirking.

          “You’re like my umma.” Very aware of their proximity, Seunghyun turned to find a recycling bin for the empty bottle.

          Jiyong followed behind closely, noticing how he was avoiding him. He stuck his tongue in his cheek and wrapped his arms around Seunghyun’s waist, pressing his face somewhere below the taller man’s shoulder. He inhaled his scent and sighed. “This was my habit.” He said in a low, jokingly seductive register.

          The hairs on the back of Seunghyun’s neck pricked up, and he was glad Jiyong was too short to see the look that had crossed his face. He swallowed and smiled uneasily. “So, what was that about you finding me… ?” He said, holding his hands over Jiyong’s, turning around slowly and lingering their contact before dropping his hands.

          “What do you mean?”

          “Why’d you talk about me revealing myself to you?” He scratched the back of his neck. “I dunno, I just thought – “

          “ – I’m sorry, I didn’t – “

          Seunghyun shook his head. “ - It’s not that big of a deal. You’re not Seungri, you didn’t tell them that I cuddled with you afterward or anything.” He said dismissively.

          Jiyong blushed undetectably and looked away.

          “But what was that about? I’m ?” He scanned his own body, felt his own stomach.

          “One could… Say that…” Jiyong treaded carefully, taking a deep breath. He met Seunghyun’s eyes and tried to pass off a little puff of air as a chuckle. He'd been caught, and he was panicking, desperate for something to say.

          “But Ji, I’m not – I don’t get it.” Seunghyun crinkled his eyebrows together.

          “What?”

          “Why would I be to you?” He made a circling hand gesture for the word. “It’s just a weird adjective, is all.”

          Jiyong fiddled with the hem of his jacket. “It’s the only way to describe you. Did you hear the fans? They – “

          “The fans are girls, Ji!” Seunghyun ran his hand through his hair, “You’re saying that seeing me turns you on or something?” He turned around and stabled himself against a chair.

          Jiyong exhaled some sort of answer.

          “What?” Seunghyun demanded.

          Jiyong craned his neck to see out into the hallway and to confirm that there was no one nearby. He inhaled loudly, exhaling for so long and so shakily that Seunghyun could almost feel his own lungs giving way. “Yes,” he mumbled.

          Seunghyun started to turn back to his best friend, but he stopped, his face turning red. He halted in the middle of his motion, his head tilted downward so he could just see Jiyong in his favorite pair of shoes.

          “I – I didn’t want you to – “ Jiyong started, but his voice broke and he had to start over. He waited a moment before speaking again, trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. “I didn’t want to have to tell you. You’ll think I’m... I don’t know.”

          “Ji, you’re my best friend.” Seunghyun said anxiously, his heart thudding dully in his chest. He was hypersensitive to any noise Jiyong’s shifting around made.

          There was a moment’s silence before Jiyong made his decision.

          In his mind, it had been long enough, and he couldn’t keep hiding himself forever.

          “Seunghyun…” He said so softly that TOP had to restrain himself from swiveling around to make sure he wasn’t in tears. “… I’m – I think I’m – “ Jiyong swallowed and then spit it out quickly. “I’m in love with you.”

          And this is the point where Seunghyun’s world flipped.

A/N: my feels are doing what your feels are doing so I won't ramble too much, ok?
First of all, I HAVE HAD THAT PLANNED FOR SO LONG I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW IT WAS GOING TO GO DOWN. I FINALLY GOT TO IT. OTL.
And even now I think I rushed the end of that... O_O
So if you didn't watch Strong Heart (Which you really don't need to), GD talked about how he gave Minzy a backhug and how it was a 'habit' of his. They made jokes about other stuff that were his 'habits' as well. ok. I'm gonna go like sit in a corner now.
(OH AND THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THE 50+ SUBSCRIBERS AND 2000 VIEWS ㅠ.ㅠ Even those ghost readers out there! I see you, I see you. I didn't think I would get that far and I thought my best friend would be the only one reading so this means a lot (':)