Letting Go
Letting Go
Then… I woke up calling out his name...
On the day of his wedding, I wore a smile as I stood next to his blushing bride: she held the bouquet of white calla lilies that should have been mine. It must have been satisfying to know that I, her defeated foe, was watching her crowning moment, yet, terrifying at the same time.. She stood by his side with great elegance; her raven hair contrasted well against her white gown, but behind her silk veil hid the anxiety in her eyes. She clasped the flowers tightly to keep her hands from trembling, and every now and then, she looked at me from the corners of her eyes as if to make sure that I knew my place.
Soon it was time for him to say his vows: the sweet words that would have been for me… He took her hand and slipped ring on her pale, slender finger.
“With this ring, I thee wed for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…” His gaze met my doleful eyes. I force out another smile and quickly looked away “…until death do us part,” he muttered.
His bride responded with the promises that I could have uttered to keep him by my side. She sighed in relief as soon as the deed was done.
At the reception I made a speech, about how we met and we became best friends, but skipped the part where we kissed, fell in love and spent countless nights talking about running away and spending the rest of our lives together. Instead I told the story of how I met her and how I helped him win her heart; how I knew from the very beginning that they were a match made in heaven. Tears of sorrow fell near the end of the charade but everyone saw them as tears of joy. “I wish you all the happiness in the world,” I said; then, I raised my glass and concluded my speech with a lie good enough to fool everyone, but myself. “I can’t think of anyone more suited for Geun Suk than you, Yoona. Best wishes.” On my way to my seat, I stopped by his side and press my lips on his cheek. “Congratulations,” I whispered. I didn’t think those were the last words I’ve said to him.
Should have, would have, could have, but wasn’t and will never be. There were times when I wondered what would be if we did what could have been done or said what should have been said. We could have run away together like planned as a joke. I could have objected and stopped the wedding all together, but, back then, I was indecisive and much less assertive, nor did I have the courage to do so… To break a friend’s heart… to be hated by everyone I knew… and to be forever branded as the who ruined my best friend’s relationship. I was so afraid that I would lose everything if I chose him; I led myself to believe that I made the right choice to walk away from what could have been. Soon after, I realized that I did lose everything the moment I let him go…
I left the country without saying where I was going or even goodbye. He was on his honeymoon and saying goodbye was both painful and futile. Days, months and years passed, I couldn’t bear visit or even call. It was difficult trying to get accustomed to a life without him, but I could never forget. There was always that gaping hole in my chest that nothing and no one could ever fill, but, eventually, I’ve learned to deal with the fact that his heart belonged to someone else.
Before I knew it, two years passed. I decided to return to our hometown, Danyang. Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, there was still the hope that I would run into him. Later on, I heard that he got promoted and moved away to a different city. I didn’t ask anymore questions after that. Where he was and how he doing was no longer of my concern.
As soon as I found a new apartment in Seoul, I moved out of my hometown and got a new job. I met a man, fell in love and after four years of dating and he proposed. Yong Hwa is a great man, caring, funny, honest, and even more than I could ever ask for. Of course, I said,”Yes.”
That same year a drunk driver lost control of his car in a busy street. The vehicle propelled towards the sidewalk where a woman stood frozen in fear; the massive object was about to crush her, when a man pushed her out of the way. The huge chunk of metal tossed the him like a rag doll. His body was airborne for a moment; then, it violently plummeted onto the pavement.
It’s been six years… six long years since I last saw him. I always pictured our reunion differently; maybe over coffee with our spouses, or on my wedding day, but never like this…
Had I known this would happen, I would have rather not see him again.
Now, here I am by his bedside watching him sleep as I held his hand. I’ve been here for two nights now, but I’m still not used to the beeps of the heart monitor and the sound of the respirator pumping oxygen into his lungs. It’s almost surreal seeing his this way.
Earlier, when the doctors came out of the operating room, they told us that he’s in a coma and that they don’t know when or if he will ever wake up. No! They’re wrong. I told myself over and over as tears rolled down my cheeks. They said he was lucky to be alive. His wife sank to her seat. She embraced her child tightly and cried quietly. The boy who was about two didn’t seem to know that he just lost his father, but he cried feeling his mother’s pain.
This can’t be right. He’s can’t be struggling for his life. I still haven’t told him what I needed to say. I haven’t told him that I’m okay and that I’m sorry for leaving. I walked over to his wife and hugged her. “He’s going to be alright,” I whispered. I wanted to be strong for his family… for him.
For the next two nights, I volunteered to watch over him while his wife took care of their son. I told him stories about my life during the past six years that we’ve been apart; my new job, my apartment; Yong Hwa; my engagement; everything that I could think of at the time, and when I finally ran out of things to say, I said, “I’ve told you my story, so you can’t leave me yet. You still have to tell me about what I missed these past six years.”
On the third night he woke up; he squeezed my hands and opened his eyes. I jumped off my seat to call a doctor or a nurse, but he held onto my hand and wouldn’t let me leave. “Don’t go,” he managed to utter. I could tell that he was having a hard time speaking; so, I obeyed and sat back down. Everything was quiet for a moment. We both had so much to say to one another, but neither of us knew where to begin.
“I met your son… he looks just like Yoona, but he has your eyes,” I said.
He let out a chuckle, “Does he?”
“Yeah… he also has your temper…”
He laughed quietly, “Have you met his father?”
I looked at him confused.
He took my hand examining the ring on my finger. “You’re getting married…” he said softly.
“Yeah,” I replied trying not to cry.
“I hope it lasts longer than mine,” he replied.
“What do you mean?” I wanted to say, but didn’t. “Stop joking around,” I muttered.
“I’m sorry I can’t be your maid of honor. I’m moving soon,” he joked. He managed to smile, but it couldn’t hide the physical pain he was feeling.
“Don’t do this,” I replied. “You’re going to live. Just let me call the doctor,” but he wouldn’t let go, and as weak as his grip was at the moment, I couldn’t muster strength to break away. “You can’t go yet,” I added with my eyes drowning in tears. “You still have to meet my fiancé and tell him you’d steal me away if he ever makes me cry. We still have to run away together like you promised, remember? You said we’ll move to an island…” I paused reaching the point when I could no longer continue. The words wouldn’t come out as if they got caught with the throbbing pain in my chest.
“We’ll build a big house and live there forever; just the two of us,” he continued. He looked at me and tried to wipe my tears off. His slender fingers felt cold against my damp cheeks. “Please don’t cry anymore. I want my last memory to be your smiling face,” he added.
I look at him, shook my head and embraced him. I rested my head on his chest and bursted into tears. “I can’t. I don’t think I can go on if I lose you for the second time,” I replied sobbing.
“Shhh…” he responded trying to sooth me. “ Just think of it this way. I’m going to our island ahead of schedule to build our house, and that I’m just there making everything perfect until the time that you’re ready to run away. You just take your time. Get married, have kids…live...”
“No…You can’t go,” I said. “I need my best friend… I need you,” I added with the word all choked up as I wept.
I looked at his face and saw the tears rolling down his cheeks. He let out a chuckle and said, “I told myself I was going to be strong until the end. I didn’t want you to see me cry, but there’s just so much that I haven’t told you and there’s just not enough time… “ he paused to take a deep breath; then, continued “I’ve always regretted letting you go… I wish I had told you then how wonderful I thought you were… I wish I had the courage to fight for you and to tell you that I have always loved you and that I still do… and no matter how hard I tried, I could never love anyone as much as I love you, but when I finally realized it, it was too late. You were gone.”
I sat there speechless crying my eyes out, wishing that I could turn back time. I laid beside him and kissed him on the cheek. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m here now, and I’m not leaving.” I held his hand and tried to smile. He kissed me on the forehead and I closed my eyes wishing for time to stop. “I love you. I love you. I love you…” I said, but I was a lifetime too late.
The next day, I woke to the sound of a flat lined heart monitor and doctors and nurses rushing to the room. I was immediately taken out as they tried to revive him. I remember crying, the doctor coming out shaking his head, his mother collapsing… I remember walking back into the room and seeing the nurse cover him with the white blanket… I remember holding his hand, embracing him, calling out his name to wake him up… I remember Yong Hwa trying to comfort me… after that, everything else was a blur…
After his funeral, his mother gave me his diary. I found out that he got divorced after a year into his marriage and spent years searching for me; then, moved to Seoul, but he never stopped looking and waiting for the day that I would return.
He had been so close, this whole time and I didn’t even know. As I read each page, I couldn’t help but wonder: How could I have been so stupid, so stubborn? Why did I try to forget? Why did I try to live without him? What if I had waited? What if I hadn’t left? If only I had come back earlier… if only I had told him sooner… If only I had enough courage... There were so many questions in my mind and so many scenarios that could have been.
But in the end, the “if’s” will be as they are, wasted opportunities that could have saved us from a lifetime of heartache and torment. We spent so much time supporting each other with what we thought would make the other happy, but all we did was push each other away and kept ourselves from what would have given us bliss. All I can do now is move on and live the life that he would have wanted for me to have until the day that I’m ready to see him again.
Epilogue
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