“I'm afraid of waking up
to a world where you see
and I am not what you saw”
― Ali Nuri, Rain and Embers

•••

Karina couldn't seem to fathom how much someone could feel so warm like a home despite being a whole piece of a person. Iniwas niya ang tingin kay Winter na busy magtupi ng mga damit sa closet niya, probably trying to look for a spare of tees and shorts sa luma nitong cabinet na malinis parin naman at maayos na nakalagay ang mga naiwang damit. Ipinilig niya ang ulo niya at pinili nalang lumabas ng sariling kwarto. 

She let out a deep sigh and finally stoping her tracks on their mezzanine and settled on resting her arms on the wooden railings na supported ng glass frame sa babang banda. Akala niya magtatapos ang trip down memory lane nila ng bestfriend sa Icecream House ngunit mukhang nagkakamali siya. Bakit nga ba kasi siya nakapag decide na tumuloy sa dati nilang bahay back when they were still living in the philippines? Buti nalang at well maintained ito ng house helpers ng kanyang tito na nag lilinis sa mansyon from time to time. 

Everything looked the same just how they left it. Pinagmasdan niya ang malaking wall above the sofa, kitang kita ang view dahil sa high ceiling na design  ng bahay. There were alot of picture frames plastered on the wall, still the way they were bago sila umalis to fetch their dreams abroad. Napako ang mga mata niya sa isang frame at napakagat sa ibabang labi. 

It was her and Winter on their 8th grade, just a few months before her Mom decided to migrate. Nakasakay sila sa bike, still in their long checkered uniform skirts and blouses, maikli ang buhok ni Winter at may bangs pa. Nakayakap siya sa bewang ng bestfriend habang si Winter naman ang nasa manibela nito, both smiling like a fool as if it was all going to last, the young Karina would've felt extremely sad if she ever knew that just months after, her life will come to a halt.

Her eyes scanned the picture beside it, ang sarap lang daw alalahanin, It's like she was watching her own life with photographs plastered on their wall of memories. The picture contained a very young Winter and Karina on their elementary graduation day. Winter was smiling from ear to ear, her dimples were cutely showing up, at dahil nga mas matangkad pa siya kay Karina noon, her arms were entangled on the latter's shoulder who was then kissing her cheek habang hawak hawak ang mga diploma sa kamay nila. 

She realized they had a whole section for themselves sa family wall ng mga Yu, hindi niya napigilan at napangiti on one of the pictures that was lined up with the ones she saw first. It was an even younger Karina and Winter on the frame, Winter was wearing a taekwondo uniform with a white belt on habang siya naman ay naka pink tuttu dress for her ballet class, they were 7 and 8 years old at the time. They were really close like that, parang kada frame ay pabata sila ng pabata. 

Just sometimes, she thinks to herself and wishes she could forever live in the bubble of their silly smiles—never getting afraid of what the future holds, never getting scared of what may come along their paths. She wishes she could've just stayed beside her bestfriend a little more. The latest picture they had was the very frame plastered on the wall. Hindi naman sila aware na huli na pala 'yon. They were just bestfriends trying to have fun in their little world. Sobrang dami na niyang na-miss na milestone sa buhay ng bestfriend. 

Ang dami nilang first times sa buhay na magkahiwalay. She wasn't normally used to it, buong buhay talaga ay inseparable sila kahit minsan raw ay insufferable itong bestfriend niya dahil sa mga antics nito. But then again, It makes Winter, Winter and she's not complaining. She only wishes things weren't complicated and that she could stay long despite knowing the desolate fact of her not staying for long—how would she even break this news to the one she holds the most dear?

"Huy, bakit ka umiiyak?" Halata ang panic sa boses ni Winter when she tapped Karina's shoulder to pull her out from her woeful trance, hindi manlang napansin ni Karina na tumutulo na pala ang luha niya at bahagya ng nanginginig ang balikat niya. Natawa siya ng mahina, parang baliw lang. Pinisil niya ang kamay ni Winter na nakapatong sa balikat niya at pinunasan ang luha sa mata with her other hand. 

"I just missed, home..." Sinsero niyang sabi while looking intently at her bestfriend's eyes, lumambot naman ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Winter. Inangat niya ang kamay at mahinang pinisil ang pisngi ni Karina. "Walang nagbago, just like the picture on the walls you were staring at. Iyakin ka parin, Yuji." Humaba tuloy ang nguso niya dahil sa pang aasar ni Winter na kanina pa pinipigilan ang sarili na yakapin si Karina—she knows she should not cross the thin lines between them while figuring out it's still not the best time to acknowledge the big elephant in the room with them.

"Wag kana umiyak, Yuji. I got your clothes ready, okay narin ang temp ng water sa bath tub mo. You should take a shower and then I'll cook our snacks for the movie night, okay?" Tinapik niya ng bahagya ang pisngi ni Karina na parang natulala na, inalis narin naman niya agad at baka maging awkward pa. Tumango nalang naman si Karina at pumasok na papasok sa sariling kwarto with a ghost smile on her face. 

Natawa siya sa sarili kasi kahit siya ay naiiyak rin. Antagal din ata niyang hindi nakapunta sa dating bahay nila ng JM niya, huling punta niya rito ay noong grade 8 pa sila, the night before Karina's flight abroad. Where an irreversible thing happened together with the promise ring Karina isn't wearing anymore. Should she take it as a sign? Ipinilig niya ang ulo niya at pilit kinumbinsi ang sarili—Do not assume unless stated clearly without drawn lines. 

Sure they made a promise, But it was never discussed for the past eight years. 

Nagkibit balikat nalang siya sa sarili at dumiretso na sa kitchen area. Their house helpers were probably notified about Karina's arrival kaya punong puno ang ref ng kung anu-anong pagkain. From sweets, to lunchables, and drinks ay kumpleto ang lahat lahat, even the snack pantry are full of chips Karina always loved. Parang di siya makapaniwala na nakabalik na nga ang kaibigan sa pilipinas. 

Kinuha nalang niya ang frozen  onion rings sa ref at fries, nag ready narin siya ng popcorn at nilagay ito sa micro wave. Karina has always been a fan of movie nights na hindi naging hadlang ang milya milya nilang layo to be able to do it together—or because it's the only thing they can actually do together without counting playing games together? Kung nakamamatay man ang overthinking ay baka pinag lalamayan na si Winter Kim. 

She wonders now, marami na bang nagbago kay Karina bukod sa mga pisikal na pagbabago? She's on the dark, a little scared even that things will never be the same between them anymore. Saktong pagkatapos niyang magluto ay mukhang