Does escaping from reality and the life we have to face lessen the risks and burdens we have to bear? Does escaping from where we are dawned upon make it more tolerable than what it actually is? Or maybe romanticizing the meaning of a certain emotion and experience lessens the impact of the moment and situation? It was actually one of the reasons why someone like Chaehyun has trouble acting in society. There were a lot of ends and expectations to meet, burdens and baggage to bear, and wondering how it seemed to live a life filled with nothing but uncertainties and challenges.

 

It’s true that we have a lot of time to disseminate and learn about society and our environment. It depends on the society we live in or, sometimes, the people we surround ourselves with. It keeps Chaehyun baffled by the things we learn that need to be unlearnt because they are deemed unhealthy despite our being accustomed to living with them, or sometimes by the exasperated expression we make every time something unfamiliar comes into our lives. It was so new, pure, and fresh in our minds to properly retain and learn them.

 

When we live in a world where being in love with someone who is the same as you is deemed the biggest sin according to conservative and religious parents and relatives, we learn to accept that we should only love based on our opposite , but it keeps Chaehyun conflicted about how she was drawn to this certain person she accidentally gazed at in the hallway, how it was hard to ignore, and how hard it was to continue denying that the stranger she met in the hallway continues to linger in her mind—the scent she exudes, the cheeky smiles she makes to every student she meets in the hallway, the high-pitched yet serene voice she hears that echoes throughout the hallway corridor.

 

And then Chaehyun started to realize that light travels faster than sound waves, where the appearances and how the light emits in her expression struck and blinded her more than the sound that emitted from the girl for greeting her later on in her mind.

 

Chaehyun was blinded before she heard the euphonic tone from the angel in front of her. And since then, she has been more eager to know about the personified enigma angel she found in the hallway, not knowing what consequence or reality she was about to face as she indulged herself further in the situation.

 

Chaehyun was on her way back to her class when the girl she found in the hallway continued to linger and occupy her mind without realizing that her friend Xiaoting continued to tap her shoulder for consecutive times, "Chae, you have been so out of your mind for ten minutes already." "What makes you so preoccupied?" she wonders, anticipation plastered on her face. Chaehyun was contemplating if she was going to address her dilemma or just lie so she wouldn't budge her more with many questions. She thinks it’s a controversial topic to touch on, but there is no point to contemplate but to grasp whatever is going to unfold, right?

 

Chaehyun releases the breath she has been holding on to for a minute. "You know, an enthusiastic and outgoing person earlier in the corridor piqued my interest. Do you know her? The one who greeted me or us before we made our way here?"

 

She hears a gasp from the latter, covering with one hand afterwards, and says, "Oh my god. Someone got your attention, and it’s a girl? That is worth celebrating!" she interjects, which made Chaeyun roll her eyes in annoyance.

 

"I said, she just piqued my attention. I don’t like her that way," she emphasized her intention, but the latter was ignored as she was being jumpy and elated from what she heard from her friend.

 

"Well, it’s going to be that way, naman." "What's there to deny?"

 

"I don’t know. "I just don’t like girls that way."

 

"Well, I don’t believe you."

 

"You’re annoying"

 

Xiaoting lets her tongue out and says, "Better than someone restricting her emotions."

 

And she keeps reminding herself that she wants to befriend the enthusiastic girl and has nothing more ulterior to say.

 

Oh, so she thought...

 

Posters and flyers were glued stringently to each old column the students could possibly find in their school. Others were unexposed and often forgotten; some had algae stains that grew over the last few months. But it didn't matter on a busy day. The students huddled towards the school entrance, where stood a printed infographic of its special event, the Club Recruitment Day.

 

Most people have their minds made up about which organizations and clubs to apply to. Meanwhile, Chaehyun is still clueless about which club she is going to join because, according to the board members, every student is required to join a club and/or organization. Chaehyun actually finds it a hassle and too much for her time to occupy, as her responsibilities are going to pile up more than usual. But when she spots the same girl she found interested last week in the hallway corridor, staring at the certain posters glued to the wall, she takes a glance at which club the poster indicates, and it's the debate/prosecutors club.

 

She didn't realize that she was standing behind the back of the girl and much more when their gazes met for the first time—more closed up and more beyond boundaries as a schoolmate.

 

Chaehyun clears as she averts her gaze back at the poster and pushes her glasses backward that were being placed near her nostril. "Wait, you are the girl I greeted in the hallway last week?" The girl suddenly initiated a conversation, which startled her, but she calmed her composure and nodded, "How come you can still remember it?"

 

"You stand out the most there." "I was actually shy to greet you, but I managed to get some courage to do it, so..." she explains as she scratches her nape.

 

Chaehyun tilted her head in confusion and fixed her glasses again because of her sudden movement. "What do you mean I stand out the most?"

 

"Well," she trailed off, trying to find the right word to say, "Uhm, you are beautiful and pretty, like you are so poised that I am somehow intimidated to approach you, but I manage to get through." She finally says it as she avoids Chaehyun’s gaze.

 

"I know it’s too weird to say it without introducing myself, but I’m Youngeun," she added while offering her hand for a handshake. Chaehyun accepts them and gently holds them before they shake hands. "I’m Chaehyun," she introduces herself back while giving her a timid smile.

 

Youngeun nodded and said, "It’s nice meeting you, Chae." "Uhm, are you joining the debate club?" She tries to ask the latter after they remove the handshake. Chaehyun hides her lips. "I’m still contemplating, but it’s a great option," she answers before she unhides her lips.

 

"Well, tell me if you are joining." Youngeun handed her a tear-off piece of paper, and Chaehyun absentmindedly stared at the paper for minutes before she completely accepted it. "There is my contact number there. "Contact me there." She informs the latter before she bids her farewell to the latter, who is still standing there, not able to process the situation properly.

 

She looks at the tear-off paper and sees the number written there. She is actually honest about the fact that her contact number is there, and she doesn’t know what to do with the information. In fact, she was clueless. She doesn't know what actions she is going to take or what she is going to react to. She was there, standing, like her mind was so preoccupied. But it was halted when she could feel loud yet familiar footsteps behind her back.

 

"Hoy, ano yan hinahawakan mo?" She questions as she takes a look at the tear-off paper, "Gago, someone is attempting to flirt with you?" She tilted her head while processing the fact that her friend was about to get some love.

 

"Xiao, it was the same girl in the hallway," she clarifies, but she didn’t expect when Xiaoting suddenly gripped her shoulder and shook her, saying "omg" for countless amounts of time.

 

"You are making me dizzy!" Chaehyun whines. Xiaoting stops shaking her, and she notices how amused and entertained she was by her expression when she heard Youngeun give her contact number. "Oh my god. She is interested in Sayo!" she shouted in excitement while Chaehyun covered with her left hand. "You are causing inconvenience, Xiao. but don’t give meaning to her actions. "She just wants to make friends with me, I guess," she explains, crossing her arms to see how absurd and ridiculous her friend is acting.

 

Xiaoting shook her head and asked, "Did she compliment you?" and Chaehyun nodded. Her friend widened her eyes and was about to shout again when Chaehyun covered firmly to muffle it. "Shut up." "You are making noise, na naman!" she nags after she removes her hand from Xiaoting’s mouth.

 

Xiaoting sighs, "You don’t know how happy I am." "Someone is flirting with you," she says as a matter of fact. "And also, you have no idea how clueless you are in that aspect, no?" she added, and Chaehyun nodded in agreement.

 

"Well, let me teach you how." "I have experience in that manner." Xiaoting suggested, and Chaehyun grimaced, "I’m not doing that."

 

"KJ mo naman!"

 

"So what. I told you na, I don’t like girls."

 

"Ngek ngek mo, I don’t like girls."

 

"Shut up. Xiao"

 

"Never," she says, letting her tongue out like she always does to make herself annoyed further, which it successfully did when she heard another groan from Chaehyun.

 

Chaehyun spends her time roaming around the campus, trying to settle her contemplation on which club she is going to join. Out of impulse, she decided to join the debate club. No, it’s not because Youngeun never will, but because she actually wants to become a voice for those who are voiceless and afraid to assert themselves on certain topics and issues. Yes, that is actually one of the reasons, and it’s not the same girl in the hallway corridor. It will never be.

 

---

 

 

When she was informed by the president of the debate club in their group chat about their first gathering slash meeting to discuss and orient the new members about the origin, essence, and purpose of the club after their class dismissal, her thoughts were fixated on the gathering instead of focusing on the class discussion of the courses she enlisted for the semester.

 

She knows that she feels excited about what will happen at the orientation of the club, but she feels reluctant when she realizes that she hasn't contacted Youngeun since their last encounter in the corridor.

 

She mentally slaps herself as she hastily gets the tear-off paper she has received from the latter in her wallet (she keeps them, but her small memory forgot to check them when she went home after the club recruitment day) and opens her phone before she types the contact number in her contacts. After she types them, she immediately sends them a message.

 

[3:45 PM] Chaehyun: Hello. This is Chaehyun. I’m sorry ngayon lang ako nag contact sayo regarding my joining the debate club. It slipped my mind to inform you about it. I hope you still join the club.

 

She sighs after she sends her message to Youngeun. After a few minutes, she receives a message notification from Youngeun.

 

[3:48 PM] Youngeun: Hello Chae! Of course, I still join the club. It’s a shame that nakalimutan mo man ako sabihan na sumali ka sa debate club. Nagulat ako bigla ka nalang na add sa group chat e. 😅

 

Chaehyun didn’t realize that her lips curved into a small smile before she typed her reply.

 

[3:49 PM] Chaehyun: I’m really sorry. Should we sit beside each other for the gathering? I feel nervous meeting new people, and I somehow feel familiar with you, so I feel a little bit of ease.

 

[3:51 PM] Youngeun: Sure. Kita nalang tayo sa club room?

 

[3:52 PM] Chaehyun: Sige, sige. See you, mamaya, and Eun.

 

[3:52 PM] Youngeun: See you, Chae!

 

After she put her phone in her pocket, she jumped in her chair to see Xiaoting in front of her armchair, crouching, "Gago ka." Nagulat mo ako," Chaehyun exclaimed as she held her chest.

 

Xiaoting stands up before she slaps Chaehyun’s shoulder and says, "Inamo, masyado ka magulatin!"

 

Chaehyun rolled her eyes and said, " valid yung nararamdaman ko no. Sino ba hindi magugulat bigla ka nalang appear sa peripheral vision ko?" She defends herself before removing her glasses to clean the lenses because it becomes more soggy and uncomfortable for her eyes because of how unclear it is because of her breathing.

 

"Sorry na. Masyado ka kasi focus sa phone mo. Sino ba kasi kausap mo? "Ngiti ngiti ka pa!" Xiaoting asks, trying to push Chaehyun’s buttons to tell her the culprit of her beamish smile.

 

"Wala nga!" She tries to end the topic defensively, which makes Xiaoting smirk at her sudden behavior.

 

Xiaoting smuggles, "Weh? Baka si hallway girl ata yan beh!" She guesses, which makes Chaehyun freeze from her spot.

 

"Oh see... si hallway girl nga!" She teases her before slapping her shoulder lightly, "Hoy hindi mo pa sinabi sa akin sino pangalan niya!" Xiaoting mentions when she realized that Chaehyun hadn't introduced the hallway girl’s name.

 

"Youngeun," Chaehyun answered before she stood up and fixed her stuff to prepare herself for going to the club rooms for the orientation.

 

Xiaoting opens as soon as she hears the name: "Omg ka! She is like the campus heartthrob dito sa department natin ses!" She comments as she grips Chaehyun’s shoulder, "I understand you, ses." Masyado talaga attention-grabbing yung presence, and mukha niya tapos sabi ng iba masungit daw siya e," she added, which makes Chaehyun confused.

 

"But she is not? Mabait naman trato niya sa akin?" She informs Xiaoting, which makes the latter look at her in disbelief.

 

Chaehyun nodded and said, "Yeah. She’s kind and the first to initiate the conversation. And magaan sa loob habang kinakausap ko siya," she supported what she claims about Youngeun while Xiaoting nodded at her.

 

"Mga chika nga naman, grabe malaganap. Minsan mga fake and false narrative pa ibibigay," Xiaoting sighs before she unwraps her hold on Chaehyun’s shoulder before shifting them into her backpack strap.

 

"I tell you, Xiao. Huwag ka maniniwala sa mga chismis dito," Chaehyun warns her, and Xiaoting raises her hand and nods, taking note of what Chaehyun is telling her about the gossiping.

 

"I have to go." Chaehyun said as she walked away from her seat, going to their room’s door. "Saan ka pupunta?" Xiaoting chases her from behind.

 

"Debate clubroom" 

 

"Ay sumali ka sa debate."

 

Chaehyun hums, "I have to go, na, Xiao." "Attend your club orientation, na rin."

 

Xiaoting ruffles her hair and says, "Ingat ka ah? Make new friends aside, sa akin."

 

Chaehyun groans, "Paulit ulit."

 

"Jusko, makipagkaibigan ka rin."

 

"I’ll try"

 

"That’s great, na."

 

"I really have to go." Chaehyun bid her farewell to Xiaoting as she walked outside of the room and waved her hand at Xiaoting, who was going in the opposite direction. "Bye, Chae!" "Tell me about the girl in the hallway," she shouted at the hallway, which made Chaehyun pretend she didn’t know Xiaoting from embarrassment.

 

She fidgets with her hands while moving her way to the designated club room for her club. She gets her phone again and opens their group chat to check which room number they are going to gather. It was indicated that they were going to gather in room 310, so it was on the third floor.

 

Fortunately, she is already on the third floor, and there’s no need for her to use the staircase to go upstairs or downstairs because it’s too much energy for her to exert. She hastens her pace while looking above the room door that indicates 310.

 

As soon as she spots the room number she is going to enter for the orientation, she takes a deep breath before holding the doorknob and twisting it. She was greeted by the stares of either her same grade level or her seniors, and she quickly bows before looking left and right to see if Youngeun has arrived in the room. She was actually wavering from nervousness and confusion about whether she was going to walk or wait for Youngeun to accompany her.

 

But before she could act upon it, she was pulled by someone out of nowhere, so she yelped from shock, which made most of her clubmates look where the noise came from, but when she took a glance at her side, she immediately shut and gave her a small smile. It was Youngeun, gripping at her backpack gently before she guided her from where she sat.

 

It was so embarrassing. Chaehyun thought as she scratched her head.

 

When they were already in front of the seat, which was placed in the middle row of the room, Youngeun immediately sat, and Chaehyun followed after.

 

"You are yelping. Grabe ka na, Chae." She shook her head in disbelief.

 

"Ginulat mo ako!" Chaehyun defends herself, which makes Youngeun giggle, "Tinatawa mo diyan?" She asks, which makes Youngeun stop giggling.

 

"You’re adorable." Youngeun said it nonchalantly before she put her palm on her cheeks. Chaehyun clears before she averts her gaze at Youngeun and tries to prevent her from becoming slightly red in her cheeks.

 

"T-thank you," she muttered, palming her whole face to ease the heat she felt.

 

"You know what?" Youngeun diverted their topic, and Chaehyun only hummed as a response.

 

"We should hang out more," Youngeun suggested as she stared at Chaehyun, who was fixing her glasses that were placed below her nose bridge.

 

Chaehyun pulls them back and stares back at Youngeun. "Just contact me, Eun," she replies, and she receives a smile from the latter. "Then can I bother you whenever I can?" Kahit as a friend lang," she added, which makes Chaehyun chuckle.

 

"You’re not a bother, Eun." "Pero sure, that’s what friends are, diba?"

 

"New friend!" 

 

"Yeah, you are my new friend."

 

Their conversation is interrupted when the president suddenly speaks in front of the room, informing them that the orientation will officially begin now.

 

Chaehyun takes a last glance at Youngeun, and she sees the latter mouthing, "Let’s hang out after!" and Chaehyun nodded before she focused her attention on the orientation.

 

It takes an hour to properly discuss and address the whole club orientation before they are dismissed by the president. Nevertheless, it was actually worth their time and thought. And Chaehyun feels proud of her impulse to join the debate club.

 

Before she was about to leave, she was stopped by a sudden hold on her wrist by Youngeun, so she turned back and tilted her head. "I thought we were hanging out after this," she pouted while giving her a puppy look.

 

Chaehyun was melted by the sudden look that Youngeun makes, but she tries to conceal her admiration and smiles at her, "Akala ko lalabas tayo?" "Kaya lumabas ako?"

 

"Ganun ba? "Kala ko ididitch mo ako." She puckered her lips. Chaehyun shook her head and said, "Grabe naman tingin mo sakin. Hindi ako ganun no" She told Youngeun, "Oh ano, magstastay pa ba tayo rito or gagala na?" She asks the latter, which made Youngeun remove her hold, and fixes her stuff before leaving the room.

 

After they were outside of the campus, Youngeun suddenly pulled Chaehyun into the nearest vendor and pointed at her favorite street foods, "Kumakain ka street foods?" She asks while her hand is still holding on to her wrist.

 

Chaehyun rolled her eyes. "Ano tingin mo sa akin, hindi kumakain ng street foods? That is like our culture, kaya?" She answered before she looked at the vendor, "Kuya isang serve nga po kwek kwek tsaka yung fishball po. "Matamis lang po." She orders before she looks for her wallet in her pocket, but before she could hand her payment to the vendor, Youngeun already handed the payment and smiled at Chaehyun, implying she will treat her this time.

 

Chaehyun sighs before she puts her wallet back in her pocket. "Kuya dagdag nga po ng tempura, tsaka kwek kwek rin! "Matamis po sauce!" She informs the vendor that he prepares the ordered street foods from them.

 

When they have received their ordered food, they continue to walk on the pavement while munching on it.

 

"Grabe yung orientation kanina. Youngeun started the conversation after she ate a piece of her tempura.

 

"It was so well thought out. I didn’t regret joining the club," Chaehyun added while receiving hums from Youngeun.

 

"Alam mo ang ganda ng company mo, Chae. Magaan and I appreciate the silence," she suddenly blurted out.

 

Chaehyun was shy to hear that, but she didn’t want to show it to Youngeun. "T-thank you," she stuttered before she continued to eat her food.

 

"I really mean that we should hang out more, Chae," she said softly while munching her food.

 

Chaehyun chuckles. "And I mean it that you can bother me whenever you can," she replies.

 

Youngeun looked at her with the amusement expression, "Maasahan ko yan ah!" She exclaimed, and Chaehyun nodded.

 

And after they finished eating and getting to know each other, they parted ways since they found out that their home was in the opposite direction. They bid themselves farewell, and there was a feeling of relief in their hearts.

 

Chaehyun plumps herself into bed with contentment and anticipation for what’s going to unfold in the future.

 

---

 

When Chaehyun arrived on campus, she was greeted by a beaming smile and a tight hug from the mix of wood and vanilla scent—Younggeun.

 

It was scorching hot from the sun above and humid like a typical Philippine morning. But Chaehyun wonders why she found comfort when she was hugged by Youngeun in the midst of the hot weather and crowded streets. 

 

It was an unusual routine to get warm hugs in the morning. But maybe she’ll get used to it if Youngeun will wait for her in the morning. 

 

"Chae! "Sorry hindi kita ininform na hintayin kita dito sa main gate," Youngeun apologized after she removed her hug from the latter. 

 

"It’s fine. "I don’t mind naman." Chae dismisses her apology while raffling Youngeun’s hair. 

 

"Are you not late with your class?" Youngeun asks while fixing the mess that Chaehyun made in her hair. 

 

"Syempre. Pumunta lang ako ng maaga para makapag breakfast sa canteen. "They served breakfast kasi” Chaehyun mentions, scratching her nape. 

 

Youngeun nodded, "Sabay na tayo kakain?" She invites Chaehyun to a breakfast hangout.

 

Chaehyun’s forehead started to crease. "Hindi ka pa rin kumakain?" She asks while hiding her lips. 

 

Youngeun her lips and says, "Yeah. I dorm around the campus, and I usually eat at the canteen of the department every morning." She told Chaehyun that she received a hum from her. 

 

"Sure!" Chaehyun interjects while she lets herself be pulled by Youngeun for the third time. 

 

When they arrive at the canteen, they scan the menu prepared for this day. Chaehyun doesn’t like to eat heavy meals for breakfast, so she orders eggs and hotdogs with rice. But it shocks her when she hears Youngeun order a heavy meal: Adobo Manok. 

 

When their orders are being served, they bring the plates with their orders on them and settle themselves at the available table. There were at least three students who were also eating their breakfast here. 

 

Youngeun takes a bite first while Chaehyun is still looking at Youngeun’s viands. "Ang heavy naman masyado ng breakfast mo?" Chaehyun pointed this out while puckering her lips at her viands. 

 

Youngeun gulps her food before she brushes the excessive crumbs behind her lips. "Gusto ko kasi adobo talaga kaya nag heavy breakfast na rin ako. "Usually, kagaya din ng kinakain mo ngayon ang breakfast ko," she said before taking another bite. 

 

Chaehyun hums before she proceeds to start eating her breakfast. 

 

They unusually spend their time in silence while eating their breakfast meal. The movement and collision between the spoon and fork on the plate, cutting the egg or meat, and the sound of them munching can only be heard around the room, but they communicate through their gaze. It was a comforting and warm type of silence, not a deafening and ringing type of silence. 

 

So despite their silence, both of them enjoyed their company with one another. But Chaehyun realized that having a meal with someone can help them connect with them physically and emotionally. 

 

After they left the canteen, they are now walking back to the hallway. Chaehyun checks the time on her phone and sighs in relief that she isn’t still late for her first class. 

 

"Are you a STEM student diba?" Chaehyun asks while putting her hands in her jacket’s pocket.

 

Youngeun hums, "Yeah. HUMSS student ka no?" She asked back, and Chaehyun nodded. 

 

"You know, I want to know your class schedule so we can schedule our hangout without interruptions or inconveniences, you know?" Youngeun suggested it while looking at Chaehyun with conviction. 

 

Chaehyun chuckles. "I’ll send my class schedule later."

 

Youngeun cheers, "Then I’ll wait for it!" She said before looking at the front, "I think I should go to our classroom, na." It’s on the second floor, 201." Youngeun said. 

 

"Maybe you should, Eun," Chaehyun agrees. 

 

Youngeun waves her hand as she bids her farewell to the former, "See you whenever I see you!" She shouted before she walked away, going to the second floor. 

 

And Chaehyun timidly smiled while going on her way to the classroom and readying herself for the sudden burst of Xiaoting’s voice when she was going to arrive at their classroom. 

 

When Chaehyun arrived in her classroom, she was greeted by the sudden, loud voice of Xiaoting, who was going on her way. Chaehyun grimaces while avoiding the possible skinship that the former might initiate. 

 

She hears a whine from Xiaoting when she notices the subtle avoidance of Chaehyun in her hugs, but her expression brightens when she realizes there is a subtle change in her scent. "Kaya pala ayaw ako yakapin kasi may nakayakap na siya kanina." She teases Chaehyun while looking at her in a mocking manner. 

 

"Nakakainis ka," Chaehyun stomps her feet while shifting her feet, going to her seat. She was followed by Xiaoting behind her, still continuing to bother her. 

 

"So sino yung lucky girl?" Xiaoting asks her while looking at Chaehyun, who is placing her bag on the floor before settling herself in her seat, "You put meaning or malice in it, but no, it’s just Youngeun." Chaehyun leans back on her seat while glaring at Xiaoting, who is sitting beside her. 

 

Xiaoting moves her seat closer to Chaehyun and says, "Naging close na kayo ni Youngeun. "I won’t get surprised if you bloom feelings sa kanya," she said as a matter of fact. 

 

"Shut up!!!" Chaehyun protested while rolling her eyes out of annoyance. 

 

"Mahuhulog ka kay Youngeun soon," she reiterated while giving a smug look at Chaehyun. 

 

Chaehyun groaned before she decided to just ignore Xiaoting’s voice and tease remarks. She doesn’t understand why Xiaoting knows something she doesn’t know. 

 

It is frustrating for Chaehyun. She lightly slammed her head into the armchair before attempting to drift off into sleep. 

 

---

 

 

When Chaehyun struggles in her Genmath class, she tries to get help from Youngeun. It’s just that whenever Youngeun explains those complicated and confusing concepts and formulas in Genmath, she helps her simplify and understand them better than her teacher in that subject. 

 

Maybe she can understand them if she studies them hard, but Chaehyun resorted to getting help from the said girl to get closer to her and know more about her throughout the tutoring sessions in Genmath. 

 

And as much as Chaehyun tries to focus her attention on explanations, she manages to grasp Youngeun’s facial features more than the explanation, but she doesn’t want to get caught drifting her focus away from her face instead of the explanation. 

 

So she tries her hardest to focus on the subject, which she successfully did when she managed to ace the mock test that Youngeun created at the end of their tutoring session. 

 

"Magaling ka naman sa Math, bat ka pa nagpaturo?" Youngeun complimented Chaehyun’s capabilities to answer the questions effectively and correctly. 

 

"Because I want to spend more time with Sayo." Chaehyun wants to say those, but she shook her head and said, "Hindi elaborated magturo teacher namin." She lies while fixing her stuff. 

 

"I see. I’m sure you’ll ace the midterms, Chae! "Ako nagturo e," she exclaimed confidently while giving Chaehyun a salute. 

 

Chaehyun chuckles at her tactics: "And I’m sure you’ll do well in the midterm." 

 

"Oo naman!" 

---

 

There was one time where she was in the big field as she sat in the grass with her books. She reads every time she has a vacant time, and she knew that she couldn’t bother Xiaoting and Youngeun, so she decided to spend most of the time there with her books. She managed to read 15 pages before she smelled the familiar scent at her back and covered her eyes with her hand.

 

"Guess who this is?" She tries to change her voice tone, but she only hears laughter from the girl. "Kulit mo, Youngeun!" she whines before attempting to remove Youngeun’s hands from her eyes.

 

"Ano binbadbad mo dito sa araw? "Ang tirik ng araw, oh." Youngeun as she sits beside the latter.

 

"Tagal ko na rin iniiwasan ang araw, why not harapin sila?" she told Youngeun before she brought her book in her backpack.

 

"Kailan last na gumaganito ka?"

 

"Yung tumatagal sa araw? Siguro months ago, na, or last year?" She tries to remember the last time she did this, and she hears gasps from Youngeun: "Bampira ka nga!" She teases Chaehyun when she receives a slap from the latter, "Ano ka ba! Parehas kayo ni Xiaoting sinasabi," she whines as she jokingly kicks her feet in frustration.

 

"Hay nako, Chae." What if next natin gala, aanhin kita sa araw ng matagal?" She suggested it teasingly, which made Chaehyun groan and cross her arms.

 

"Joke lang! Joke lang!" she retracted what she suggested while giving her a beaming smile.

 

"Dapat lang talaga, Eun."

 

"Oo na nga!"

 

Or when Youngeun suddenly gave her a handwritten letter during the mundane day, but she reluctantly accepted the letter and read it when she went home. It was more of an appreciation message for all the things she has done for her. Chaehyun was glad that it was being appreciated, and she wants to reciprocate in her own way. A day later, she gave her handwritten letters as well, and it was worth it when she saw how Youngeun gave her the cheekiest and widest smile she had received from the latter.

 

However, as soon as they keep on hanging out, their closeness develops further, and they are exposed to a lot of emotions as they hang out more. Chaehyun realized when Youngeun suddenly acted more sweet and intimate than their first meeting. She remembers when Youngeun gave her favorite candies even though she didn’t tell him that she was craving them, or when Youngeun initiated fixing her glasses every time they kept on moving too much.

 

When Youngeun heard that Chaehyun had suddenly fainted in their class, she suddenly excused herself from the class and proceeded to the clinic without hesitation.

 

As soon as Youngeun arrived in the clinic, she suddenly asked the nurse in charge about Chaehyun, and the nurse guided her to where Chaehyun rested. Her worries suddenly ease when she sees her figure peacefully and meekly resting in the clinic bed. It’s not her first time seeing Chaehyun sleeping, but it feels like it was the first time she feels that way every time she sees Chaehyun in that state. Aside from being peaceful and meek, she looks serene and seraphic, like an angel laying in the cloud.

 

She realized that she spent most of her time staring at her face. She quickly sat in the available seat beside the bed and caressed her hair gently. "Look at yourself, Chae." "You are overworking yourself," she muttered to herself as she continued staring at Chaehyun.

 

After 10 minutes, she can see Chaehyun squinting her eyes, adjusting to the sudden brightness of the room. When she realized what had happened to her, she quickly stood up from lying down and jumped when she saw Youngeun sitting beside her.

 

"Eun!!! May pasok ka ngayon. "Bakit ka nandito?"

 

"I can’t concentrate after I heard you faint." "What happened, ba kasi?"

 

Chaehyun sighs, "Finals are fast approaching. I have to focus on studying or my family will be disappointed in me," she said while pressing her 

 

"But it doesn’t mean you are going to overwork and exhaust yourself." Youngeun said worriedly, and she received a chuckle from Chaehyun. "I’ll be fine, Eun."

 

"Promise to take care of yourself," she said while putting her pinky finger in front of Chaehyun. Chaehyun laces their pinky fingers and says, "Pinky promise!"

 

"Hindi sinisira ang pinky promise, ah? Lagot ka sakin," she jokingly threatens.

 

Chaehyun sighs: "I know. "Alam ko, Eun."

 

"Buti napag usapan natin."

 

"Pumasok ka na! Magpahinga lang ako dito saglit tapos pasok ako next class."

 

"Oo na, magpahinga ka."

 

"Oo, kaya shosh," she motions for Youngeun to go out, which the latter follows and attends her remaining class.

 

Or when Chaehyun suddenly invited her for a hangout to roam around the mall because she doesn’t know why she yearns for her presence. But she was more happy when Youngeun accepted her invitation to hang out. 

 

So Chaehyun is sitting in the McDonald's, eating her mcnuggets while waiting for Youngeun to arrive. Chaehyun is much earlier than their supposed meeting time, so she spends the remaining time in McDonald's. 

 

While she was about to take a bite of a piece of McNuggets, she was surprised when someone was sitting beside her and said, "Chae! She sulks while puckering her lips. 

 

Chaehyun slaps her shoulder lightly and says, "Nagugutom na ako tsaka kanina pa ako kaya, why not spend it here?" She explains while munching on her food. 

 

She sighs, "Ano ba gusto mo?" Libre nalang kita," and it made Youngeun’s ears perk up from what she heard from Chaehyun. 

 

"I want yung chicken meals na E!" Youngeun excitedly said Chaehyun handed her payment, and Youngeun accepted it before she went to the cashier's line. 

 

Chaehyun realized that seeing Youngeun’s beaming face and elation makes her heart palpitate so fast, like she wants to make her happy in her own ways or permanently has a blush on her cheeks whenever they interact—she looks more blooming and prettier in that state, and if she’s the reason behind that, she will continue doing it. 

 

And since then, she wonders where it all started when she becomes more hyper-aware when she hears her footsteps outside of the debate club room for the gathering or when it is hard to ignore the lingering voice and scent of the said girl when the president assigns them together to research for their upcoming mock-up debate activities in the upcoming school events. She started to yearn to feel and become in contact with her breath on her skin when they were talking to one another, and she thinks that breathing is such a luxury every time she is near Youngeun or when she starts to reach for her eyes to meet hers when they meet each other in the hallway, as if their gaze communicates unconsciously, expressing their emotions.

 

She wonders where it all started. She keeps contemplating how Youngeun is such a moth that is hard to deny and ignore, or how everything has changed ever since she met her in the hallway.

 

She realized that most of her childhood crushes are centric over girls. Oh god, she even wonders where she started to watch High School Musical where she likes Gabriella Montez than Troy Bolton. Or when she was so fixated with female singers like Beyonce, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. She doesn't understand the hype with Justin Bieber and some other guy singers.

 

She started when she was in her room; her thoughts were occupied by Youngeun, Youngeun, Youngeun. She clenches her jaw before she reaches for her laptop and searches for a quiz, "Do I like girls?" and "Am I gay?" She kept shaking her head when she received the result. There is horror in her eyes when she spots the result. She was so scared that her hand started to shake and her breathing was so loud. She was so scared of the voices in her mind telling her that it’s so wrong; she should continue to resist her emotions; she should divert her attention from her emotions.

 

 

They won’t like her anymore; the environment told her that she should only love her opposite and that she is going to face discrimination and judgment if she goes further with her feelings. There should be a difference when you love a boy and a girl. Maybe she was just sidetracked. Maybe she was just distracted. Maybe she just got used to her presence. There is no meaning or intimacy behind that, right?

 

She sobs uncontrollably in her room, conflicted and clueless about whether she is going to embrace what she has learned and knows about herself or ignore it. It was so heavy to bear in her heart, like the burden that circulates around her veins. Her emotions were so rampant and overwhelming that she did not know which was going to prevail or which was going to give up.

 

Ever since she learned about it, she has tried in her own way to avoid Youngeun at all costs. Whenever they are in the same hallway, she hastens her pace and never looks at her figure like she used to, or when they are in the club room, she doesn’t sit beside her and resist the longing and yearning in her heart to become closer to her, or when she wants to actually talk to her and explain the reason why she is avoiding her, but when she weighs all the risks and possibilities, she thinks it’s much better to avoid and ignore her.

 

“Hoy Chaehyun. Ano ba problema natin? May ginawa ba ako?” Youngeun said while following Chaehyun while trying her best to ignore Youngeun. 

 

After minutes of waiting for Chaehyun’s response, she sighs, “Okay, I’ll give you a space muna. Baka bukas kausapin mo na ako” 

 

And it clenches Chaehyun’s heart when she feels the hurt tone in Youngeun's voice. But she doesn’t know how to react or confront the latter. 

 

She wants to know how much her heart wants her but her environment won’t like it. She was so conflicted and confused on what to do. It was her first time experiencing them, and it’s so overwhelming, overflowing and overpowering to feel these emotions in one go and breath. 

 

Youngeun tries to wave her hand whenever they accidentally meet in the hallway, but the latter doesn't acknowledge it and continues to ignore the former. Or when Youngeun continues to follow her from behind, but she pretends she didn’t notice him and continues on with her agenda.

 

It continued for a month, and when Youngeun realized that no matter how much she tried to make up for Chaehyun, she was firm in her refusal to ignore and avoid her. Since then, she doesn’t budge or bother Chaehyun and leaves her alone.

 

When Xiaoting realized that Chaehyun and Youngeun haven’t been hanging out like they used to, she confronted Chaehyun about. 

 

“Hoy, anong nangyari? Ang tamlay mo na nga lately simula hindi na kayo nag uusap ni Youngeun. Anong nangyayari?” Xiaoting questions while looking sternly at Chaehyun. 

 

Chaehyun bitterly chuckles, “It’s better to stay as that, Xiao” 

 

Xiaoting furrowed her eyebrows, “Amputa anong better? Sobrang saya mo kaya ever since kilala mo si Youngeun? Nag away ba kayo pero isang buwan na kayo hindi naguusap? Anong nangyari?” She keeps asking while shaking Chaehyun. 

 

But Chaehyun’s answer remains the same: It’s better than that. And it made Xiaoting frustrated because Chaehyun can’t admit the reason behind, and she can’t even approach Youngeun because they aren’t close enough to ask a question. 

 

As long as everyone won’t know about her crisis within herself, it is fine for Chaehyun. Even if people will start to hate or despise her. As long as no one will know, it’s fine. 

 

won’t handle spitting out those overflowing and rampant emotions and voices she has been limiting to become liberated and open. Her heart won’t handle the unexplainable rhythm of her heartbeat every time she is in the same room with Youngeun. Her body won’t even twitch or move when she wants to caress her lips or embrace her warmth and body. The yearning becomes more and more unbearable as weeks of avoiding Youngeun pass by. She accidentally met her gaze with her one time in the club room today, and it was unexplainable and hard to read the emotions in her eyes, the reluctantness and hesitance in her body to come closer to her, or the shaking in her lips as she tried to mouth the words she wanted to say but couldn’t, and Chaehyun regretted it so much. She regrets hurting the girl because she refuses to acknowledge her emotions and uality. She struggles to accept who she is because the same words from her relatives keep ringing in her mind: loving someone of the same is the biggest sin you will ever commit. She wasn’t courageous. She is not brave, and she is clueless about what she is about to do.

 

She wants the girl to stay in her life; she wants to continue reaching for her light, but it seems like it continues to get farther than it seems. One thing that Chaehyun fails to understand is that Youngeun’s name is engraved in her heart and soul, and no matter how she tries to avoid her, she will continue to go back into her presence. She will continue to smell the lingering scent of her body and hear the same voice tone as the latter. She won’t live her life if she continues to escape and avoid Youngeun in all aspects. She will just continue to suffer the pain and yearning; she will continue to level the possibilities of Youngeun getting away from her life.

 

And here she is, crying and sobbing on her knees as she hugs Xiaoting’s legs after she told her everything that is causing her to act unusually and out of her mind. They were in an empty and vacant room in the abandoned building on their campus, where no one would actually enter and see her in this state. She thinks she is the cruelest person for putting herself and Youngeun in this situation, where she struggles to put her emotions into words. Xiaoting keeps on brushing her hair, sympathizing with the identity crisis that the former experiences about herself.

 

Xiaoting feels her heart clutch when she feels the shakiness of Chaehyun’s body and how she is trying to find the meaning of her struggles. She wants to help the girl in her ways, so she crouches while staring at Chaehyun, who is dipping her face in both of her hands, and says, "You know what, Chaehyun. I understand your struggles and the crisis you are facing, but don’t you think you owe Youngeun an explanation of your sudden behavior and state?" She whispered while brushing her hair strands that were bothering her eyes and removing her glasses that were soggy from her breathing. "I know it’s a risky move because you are going to confess your emotions if that’s the case, but that is the only appropriate and valid explanation to let her understand you, Chae," she advised while shushing Chaehyun to tone down her sobs.

 

"X-xiao, it’s hard," she pauses, trying to articulate her words properly, "to say and acknowledge when you grow up in that environment. It’s hard to unlearn that mindset and stand. and they are not receptive when it comes to that matter. I think Youngeun deserves more. " She managed to articulate her thoughts into words as she continued to sob uncontrollably into Xiaoting’s chest.

 

"I’m proud of you, Chae." "Take a baby step and take your time," Xiaoting said before she hugged Chaehyun tightly. "Always here, and thank you for venting your struggles to me. "You are brave enough for that," she added, which makes Chaehyun cry more because she feels seen and valid.

 

She tries to become braver than she was before. She approaches Youngeun again when she sees her in the hallway and sits beside her when they have another gathering in their club. Youngeun continues to act the same as before, enthusiastic, but she can see the difference that there is sourness and hurt beneath her voice, and she mentally notes to herself that she is going to explain when she is comfortable and ready to say it.

 

When she sees Youngeun walking on her way to their clubroom, she quickly fastens her pace to synchronize with Youngeun. "Hey Youngeun! Uhm… "Is it weird to approach you after ignoring you?" 

 

Youngeun was shocked when Chaehyun initiated a conversation with her after months of ignoring her. "It’s fine. "How are you doing, Chae?" 

 

"Hell" 

 

"Me too; it’s hell," Youngeun agrees before she opens the door, followed by Chaehyun at the back. 

 

Chaehyun doesn't know what to do after ignoring the girl, but doing their usual is a good start, right? Maybe it is. 

 

"Can we have street foods after the club dismissal?" Chaehyun invites Youngeun for a hangout, and she hears a hum from the latter. 

 

They are awkward, but it’s reasonable after their avoidant relationship until now. She hopes that Chaehyun can mend their broken friendship because of her realization.

 

She hopes it will. 

 

But it didn’t happen when they were alone in the clubroom, where Youngeun suddenly confronted her. She is shaking again, but she expects they will arrive in this situation. Her voice was sharp and firm, stern and harsh, far from the usual enthusiastic and serene tone she always used to communicate. It scares Chaehyun because she knows that after this, everything will change. There will be something shifting after the confrontation. But Chaehyun tries to remain on the ground.

 

"Tell me, Chaehyun." Why did you ignore me all of a sudden? I thought we were okay. I thought we were getting better in our relationship as friends. " Her words were choked in , but Chaehyun was able to hear them all.

 

"I realized something." She tries to express what’s on her mind while pressing her wavering lips from nervousness and anxiety.

 

"Just spit it out, Chaehyun." You are making me confused. You keep on giving mixed signals!" she shouted while wiping her tears from her eyes.

 

“I realize that I started to develop feelings for you, but my parents said it’s wrong to fall in love with your same , so i try to avoid you to see if it’s going to fade, that it’s fleeting, but it continues to grow that it’s hard to bear and hide anymore " Chaehyun shouted back before she twirled her heel to walk away after she finally let out her feelings. But she stopped when someone was hugging her behind her back, crying her heart out.

 

"You could have told me; I can understand that." She choked on her crying as she dipped her head on Chaehyun’s nape.

 

"It’s hard, Eun." I was so conflicted that what I’ve learned ever since I was young was wrong all of a sudden as I read every article about homouality." She shook her head as she tried to control her crying, but failed when it was only getting louder than before.

 

"I can understand your situation, Chae. You can take your time, and I’ll wait for you no matter what."

 

“What do you mean you’ll wait for me?” 

 

“Silly, of course I like you? Hindi naman ako mag resort at sumabog  if ayaw ko sa akin.”

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

 

When Chaehyun heard that her love was reciprocated, she started to get scared but again, the reason why approach Youngeun again is to confront her feelings she had developed for her and unlearn the beliefs she adapted to her family.

 

She cried uncontrollably there while Youngeun comforted her in her own ways, in her touches, in her soft whispers and the warmth she felt when she’s with Youngeun. 

 

And after hearing that, the baggage she carries becomes easier to carry. She realizes that the affirmation and assurance that Youngeun gave her are enough to lessen her anxiety and fears, that she should become braver, that she should communicate rather than avoid, and that her yearning and longing for her continue to grow deeper than before. It was relieving to hear them and take a step to acknowledge who she is.