“I must be crazy!” Freen threw herself to her bed, not bothering the fact that she hadn’t changed her clothes and hadn’t removed her make-up.

“Get yourself together, Freen Sarocha Chankimha!” She even mentioned her full name to get a grip of herself. She sat up from her position and looked at the mirror at the other side of the room, which projecting her own reflection. “Be professional. Everything you do is only for works. Not more, not less.” She stared deeply at herself through the mirror, trying to believe in what she said. “I, Freen Sarocha, am not Khun Sam.” She took a pause digesting what she just said, trying to hack her mind so her conscious and unconscious could take the words. “She, Becky Armstrong, is not Mon.” She took another pause and nodded at her own reflection, as if her reflection was other person in the room. “This is the most important part. Listen to me, Freen.” She continued talking to herself. “The feelings exist only between Khun Sam and Mon. The feelings do not exist between Freen and Becky. There is no such thing as freenbeck. It’s only monsam.” She nodded again at her own reflection but soon her lips curved to a frown. “You definitely are crazy.” She threw her back to the bed and stared at the ceiling. “Is it allowed? For Freen Sarocha to have feelings for Rebecca Patricia Armstrong?”

A sigh escaped her lips, as her eyes traveled down from the ceiling to the hand bag on the bed. She stretched her hand trying to reach her hand bag which was spoiled on the bed, she might unconsciously threw the innocent little black hand bag when she threw herself on the bed. Once her hand reached the bag, she didn’t bother to take it with her. She slipped her hand inside the bag and took her iPhone. It only took one swipe to unlock her phone and one tap to open line apps to see the pinned chat which showed a picture of her and another girl who didn’t look like Thai. The name next to the picture was read “bb”. She tapped on the name and the chat was opened, her thumbs typed few words before tap on the send button.

You: I am home already, bb

It didn’t take long for a reply to come.

bb: I missed you already, P’Freen 🥲

Her lips twitched to a small smile upon reading the reply in her phone. She could not remember since when this kid sneaked into her soft spot. They first met at the first meeting of their first web-series. They were a total stranger back then, they were also not casted to be main roles, just support roles. She still remembered her first impression to Becky. She thought Becky was very, very beautiful. With her long wavy hair, heart-shaped face, and western-face features, Freen was unsure how should she greeted the girl. Should she greet her in English or in Thai? So she decided not to greet the pretty girl at all. It was until the announcement of each role was released, she knew that the pretty girl was going to be her partner in her role.

You: It’s only been less than an hour but you missed me already?

The smile remained. She couldn’t pin point when was the tingling butterflies started to grow in her stomach. She just knew that she enjoyed having this kind of feelings every time she interacted with the girl.

bb: What can I do? I just can’t stand even a minute without you

Freen chuckled upon reading the reply she just got, what a tease, she thought to herself. The girl always had her own way to make Freen felt special, making Freen put her walls down, touching her soft spot over and over again, until she fell into the feelings she had right now.

You: We will see each other tomorrow, Becky

She tapped on the send button and waited for a reply, which of course came as fast.

bb: Why you use Becky? Not bb? You don’t love me anymore?

Freen put down her phone and let out a loud sigh. This kind of response from the other girl was one of the reason why she couldn’t control her feelings.

“I am not Khun Sam. I am Freen Sarocha. There is no freenbeck, only monsam,” She repeated the sentence she recited few minutes ago.

A ding from her phone made her took the phone again and see another message appeared in the opened chat. Becky sent her a photo of their web series script. The scene was when Khun Sam — Freen’s role in the series offered Mon — which was played by Becky, to bite her nose and in exchange Khun Sam could bite Mon’s lips. Another chat was also added underneath the picture.

bb: I can’t wait for tomorrow!

Freen smiled bitterly as she stared at the screen of her phone.

“So, at the end of the day, this is who we are. You are Mon, and I am Khun Sam,” She mumbled as her thumb scrolled through the phone screen to look for an emoji.

You: 👍🏻

She closed the app and got off of the bed, leaving her phone on the bed. She made her way to the bathroom decided to take a warm shower to soothe her heart from this uncomfortable feelings. The uneasiness she always felt every time she realized that it was not about Freen and Becky. It was all about Khun Sam and Mon.

***