It’s tiring sometimes, being a celebrity and all that jazz, but Hyukjae was used to it. All the singing, dancing, practising, entertaining — the list went on. He would like to think that he did a pretty damn decent job at being an idol so far. He knows that many would kill to be in his position and stature, so he works hard to cherish and protect what he has. He makes up for his shortcomings by training hard, working hard, pouring in his heart and soul into helping the team and improving himself, even if it meant working himself down to the bone. He’s tired, yeah, but he’s learnt to live with it. 

Late at night, in bed, he craves. He wonders how it would be like to have someone next to him, someone that he can seek comfort in. Especially when the thunders get too loud and the nightmares get too real, the hollow in his stomach and the ache in his heart feels exceptionally painful when he wakes up to realise that he would have to deal with the feeling of dread and fear alone. Sure, he has his loving team mates whom he treasures to death and a family back at home who is always cheering him on— it's just not the same. This loneliness he feels, it just doesn't seem to be filled by them. 

Jongwoon. Yesung. His stupid hyung, with his soft “Hyukjae, come on, I'll make you a hot chocolate” or his weary “, Hyukjae, you need to stop overworking yourself”, it’s hard. It’s hard to not let his imagination run wild, and run wild it did. Hyukjae pictures a warm, lithe body next to him, small but strong hands guiding him to a chest when he wakes up from one of those horrible, horrible nightmares of falling behind and being abandoned and losing his loved ones. He thinks of going out on simple dates with Jongwoon, holding hands, laughing. Sometimes, he would have to physically shake himself out of his reverie, out of his self-made fantasy world where he had someone to love and care for him, and that someone being Jongwoon. It's not that easy. 

It took almost seven years of yearning that finally got them on Jongwoon’s bed. Hyukjae doesn’t know how it happened, why it happened, or what the was happening, but their hands were all over each other. There were fervour and nervousness all at once.

“All my life,” Hyukjae breathes out, in between breathless kisses, “God. I’ve been waiting all my life for—” 

The bruising grip on Hyukjae’s waist is so surreal, it feels unreal to him. It's so warm, it feels like he's burning. He wouldn't mind if there is a Jongwoon-handprint shape seared into his skin to remind him that this is real though. This is what he had been dreaming of— someone holding him, Jongwoon holding him. 

“— waiting for so long for this, for you.” He feels like his brain is sizzling and he can’t breathe. 

A bite on his bottom lip from Jongwoon and Hyukjae just can’t take it anymore. 

“Stop—” he chokes on a sob against Jongwoon’s hot mouth against his lips, “Stop.” 

Jongwoon pulls away immediately and Hyukjae’s head clears slightly. The distance between them makes him feel empty, he doesn’t know what is he doing. There is just so much emotions bubbling in him, he feels like he’s going to explode. 

Jongwoon realises that Hyukjae is practically shaking, so he takes Hyukjae’s face in his hands. “It’s okay. It’s okay, Hyukjae.” He leans down, their foreheads touching, Jongwoon’s bright and comforting eyes boring into Hyukjae’s wild and startled ones. 

“You’re okay, Hyukjae.” 

“I’m okay.” 

“Yes, you’re okay.” 

“I just—” 

“Just?”

Hyukjae struggles to find the words, his head is so cloudy, his heart is racing. He looks up into Jongwoon’s concerned eyes and swallows hard. 

Jongwoon was almost thrown to the side when Hyukjae takes him by surprise as he scrambles to sit up. They regroup on the bed, sitting opposite each other, their knees touching. Jongwoon wants to reach out, to take Hyukjae back into his arms, like he has always wanted to do. He had it, he just had it, and it felt so right. But he doesn’t know if Hyukjae would appreciate that right now, with whatever turmoil he seems to be stuck in. 

Hyukjae wrecks his brain to think of a way to put his emotions into words, but his mind draws blank. And Jongwoon, patient and caring Jongwoon is just sitting in front of him with his wide eyes— and , was that hurt in his hyung's eyes? 

Words gush out. “All my life, I think. I’ve been waiting for you.” 

Jongwoon stays quiet. Hyukjae averts his eyes from the warm gaze lest he loses his nerves again and continues. 

“Not you, you. But someone, and I realised that the someone is you. You know?” 

“I waited for so long. I thought— I felt hopeless. Everyone had someone, even the most horrible people that I’ve met had someone that loved them. And I wondered what was wrong with me. Why did no one want me? Where the hell is my someone? What did I do to deserve this loneliness?” Hyukjae takes a deep breath, lips trembling.

“But I’ve learnt to come to terms with it. I told myself to accept it. I told myself that I’m better off alone, because I don’t need to rely on someone for love. I can love myself too. But it just doesn’t work. It doesn't fill in the emptiness I feel. I focused on doing things alone, so I was used to doing things without someone. I worked hard so I didn’t have time and energy to realise the emptiness beside me. And yeah, I made it, but it’s hard that I had no one with me. I was independent because I had to be, not really because I want to be.” 

It feels like Jongwoon isn't even there, because these words were easily for Hyukjae himself, as much as it was an admission to Jongwoon. He had been suppressing these thoughts for long, the pride in him too strong to admit to himself how lonely and broken he felt. 

“Then you! You and your stupid face and your caring voice and your everything. You just came into my life, and disorientated everything for me.” A surge of tears that Hyukjae does not anticipate threatens to fall, and he feels like such an absolute loser. “You just showed up and did everything that I would wish for in someone, and you weren’t even mine! But you sure did plant so much of that stupid hope in me, that maybe, I had found someone after all.” 

“But you probably don’t understand, how- how significant this is to me. How important you are to me. It’s all in my head, it’s all me.” 

“Do you see where I’m coming from? I’m so scared. I’m so scared that whatever that we are doing now, whatever that was just now, I’m terrified that it is just something frivolous to you. And when you leave, I don’t think I can take it, you know?” 

The silence thereafter is deafening. Hyukjae exhales heavily, his face damp with tears running down from his sparkling brown eyes. Jongwoon never knew his heart could ache so bad. 

“Are you finished?” 

A look of indignation and annoyance flashes across Hyukjae’s face. “Well, yeah. I kinda just bared my soul to—” 

Jongwoon surges forward with a resolution that Hyukjae would normally see when Jongwoon is hell-bent determined to nail a note during recording, and kisses Hyukjae hard. His warm hands reach out to hold Hyukjae’s face in his hand, and he is so close, so warm, so present. 

They barely part, Jongwoon's lips brushing against Hyukjae's when he utters, “Why is it a ‘when’?” 

“What?” 

Jongwoon pulls away once again, and Hyukjae hates the whimper that escapes from his throat. But Jongwoon stays close, so their foreheads are touching. 

“Why do you think I’m definitely going to leave you?” 

“Err... because everyone does?” 

“Yeah, well. They can go and die. But I’m not leaving you.” 

“You say that now, but—” 

“No, no. Listen, you listen to me, okay?” 

One of Jongwoon’s hands leaves Hyukjae’s face and grabs Hyukjae’s left hand, he brings it to his lips for a kiss and holds it there, as if he was praying. 

“I think about you a lot, Hyukjae. Do you know that?” 

Hyukjae doesn’t know how to breathe (again). He shakes his head. 

“Of course you don’t. You’re an idiot.” Jongwoon smiles that stupid smile that makes Hyukjae's heart skips a beat. He hates Jongwoon so much, oh my god. “I think about you all the time, Hyukjae-ya. I wake up and my first thought would be you. I would be making coffee and I’ll think of you. I don’t even have to be doing anything, and I’ll think of you. I have to force myself to stop thinking about you sometimes.” 

“And I’ve thought of this. Us. Together, you know? But I told myself that it's impossible. You just seemed so... so out of reach. You’re elusive. Every time I think I did something right, every time I think I said the right things to make you like me more, you pull away, you hide. I wanted— no, I want you, but you always seemed to be running away from me, and I didn’t know why. But wow, even that didn’t stop me from thinking about you, which shows how far gone I am for you, don’t you think so?” 

“You’re an enigma to me, Hyukjae. And I’m not saying this in the ‘you’re an enigma so I want to unlock all your secrets as a challenge’ way, but more of ‘you’re beautiful and kind and I want you so bad to tell me everything about you, if you will let me’ kind of enigma.”

Hyukjae didn’t think it was possible, but he feels so light, like he might float away any moment. Was he giddy from happiness, or what? He doesn’t know. Jongwoon's words seems to be floating through his veins, a deep sense of solace coursing through his system.

The older leans in closer and plants a small kiss to Hyukjae’s lips. When he pulls away, he’s smiling so gently that Hyukjae feels like it was dreamlike for Jongwoon to be staring and smiling at him like that. 

“I can’t promise you a forever, Hyukjae. And I mean this in the most pragmatic way possible. Who knows, maybe you’ll find me a pain in the and you will end up being the one leaving me. But, please Hyukjae. Trust me when I say that I love you and I wouldn’t leave you, I have no intention of letting you go once I have you." 

“So with that, can you trust me enough to try this with me? I’m so in love with you.”

Hyukjae has never felt so happy in such a long time. He feels like he’s bursting at the seams. He nods frantically, “Okay, hyung.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Kiss me, please, hyung.” 

And Jongwoon swoops in, like he’s been waiting for Hyukjae to say that all along.