Regret
LighthouseListen to Clinton Kane’s Chicken Tendies and Harry Style’s Falling
[ https://open.spotify.com/track/0awuNCj9gwJEM0seER22DW?si=9f1060ea83e04541 ]
[ https://open.spotify.com/track/1ZMiCix7XSAbfAJlEZWMCp?si=88c23eb623c04754 ]
The only thing that will fill your heart is regret.
It’s familiar, but something has changed.
Irene looked at the woman she bumped into. The woman did not even bother to look at her as she mumble her words of apologies.
‘Ah. She’s got earphones, I see.’
Irene was too stunned to even react. She wanted to grab her hand and hug her—she wants to say how much she missed her, and how much she was sorry about the things that happened. But she couldn’t bring herself to do that. She could only look at the figure moving farther from her, heading towards a table that is occupied by a man.
It would be hypocritical of her to say that she’s not hurt by the sight in front of her. But looking at the woman she once held in her arms made her realize that she was doing better. She watched as the man greeted her with a huge smile, standing to pull a chair for her. Irene also saw how she smiled back, even hitting him playfully in the shoulder as he seemed to throw a joke at her. The older woman could not take it, so she left the café where she saw the woman that she once wrapped in her arms.
When Wendy decided she had enough of Irene, the older woman developed a habit of writing what happened in her day. Maybe it is her wishful thinking that one day, she would be able to tell Wendy her tales. She remembered writing the first time she said no to her superior.
Wendy would have been so proud if I did that when she was around.
Irene sighed. She’s back in her hotel room, and yet the image of Wendy with another man is still etched on her mind.
Of course, dummy. What did you expect? For her to mope around after what you did? Wake up, Bae Joohyun.
She opened the diary she kept since the day Wendy left. She remembered how Wendy nagged her to write things down. Since Irene is so forgetful, Wendy suggested that she keeps a list of what she has to do or buy. But again, Irene did not listen.
Irene flipped through the pages until she reached an empty leaf. With a heavy heart, she began writing.
Hi, Wendy.
I saw you today at the coffee shop. It’s funny, you did not recognize me. But of course, you had your earphones on—as usual of you. But you did not see me because you did not raise your head. But really, seeing you after a year… feels amazing.
I can see you are doing great. Your blue sweater, though. Was that the same sweater we bought together? I guess because that’s your favorite one… Well, I hope that is still your favorite.
Earlier, I saw you… but you were with someone. Is he your present?
I would be lying if it doesn’t hurt. A year after you left, I realized a lot of things. I tried to change. Not only for you but also for me. You made me realize that because I keep on trying to prove myself to others, I lost myself. This is not the Bae Joohyun from before.
I saw how your eyes twinkle when you speak to him… You’re still so full of life, my love. It’s the same as how you were when we were still studying.
It’s been a year, so I understand if you found someone new… You deserve to be happy, my love. You deserve the world. You deserve more than the world. If he is someone who makes you happy, I hope he treats you better than I ever could. I hope he’s home for you always. I hope he’s someone who feels your heart, and even if I’m not the one you choose after the sunset, I’ll be happy for you. You deserve all of that, Wendy.
Irene paused, feeling how her heart clench as she writes. Her eyes landed on the kitchenette, and she can’t help but imagine how Wendy used to look at her with adoration in her eyes whenever she cooks for the two of them. When she started working, that became less frequent, and so Wendy never misses a chance to look at her work in the kitchen whenever she got the time. Irene has to be honest—she knew that she was more than a fool to forget what she promised Wendy, but she knows regret will not do anything to bring Wendy back.
Irene closed the diary, keeping it at her bedside table. She helped herself to a glass of wine and stood at the glass window of her room.
She knows she can’t blame Wendy if she decided to move on from her. The woman clearly deserves more than what Irene had to offer when she was still with her. She knows she can’t take back what she had said, and she cannot undo what she did to Wendy. She’s being miserable, but she knows she brought that upon herself.
Irene sat at the edge of her bed after taking out her wallet, looking at the picture of Wendy she kept inside. She is not sure if the younger woman really found a new life in Canada, but she also cannot bring herself to ask the woman about it. She brought her pain, she knows, and she cannot fathom the idea of letting the woman meet the person who hurt her.
She wiped the tears she has in her eyes. She cannot help but question herself. She’s got too many ‘what-ifs’.
What if Wendy doesn’t want to talk about me anymore?
What if she doesn’t want to see me anymore?
What if because of the pain I cause her, she wants to erase me from her memories?
There’s no one to blame. Irene knows that.
She’s falling, and there’s no one there to save her now.
Wendy placed her bag down. It’s a tiring day, but it’s a fun one. When she moved to Canada, she worked as a music teacher in a small academy to distract herself. She missed her friends, but she thinks it’s better this way.
She wouldn’t lie. It’s been a year, but she missed her dearly. Not once did Irene leave her mind, but she cannot bring herself to go back to the woman just like that. Maybe it’s true, that love is not enough to keep two people together.
‘Seul, I’m leaving.’
‘Huh? Where to? When will you be back, Wan?’
‘I won’t come back, Seul. I’m leaving. For good.’
‘What?! No. Before, you leave, talk to me first!’
And that’s how she found herself talking to Seulgi hours before her scheduled flight. She did not tell her where she’ll go. She knows that despite Seulgi being mad at Irene for treating her badly, Seulgi isn’t the type to be able to keep a secret. And so, to keep everything on the line, she decided not to tell her.
“Wen, are you sure about this? I mean, I understand, but is this really necessary?”
Wendy just smiled. Of course, it crossed her mind. Is this worth it? Will she be fine?
But she knows the answer. She loves Irene, but she cannot continuously love Irene if she’s already out of love herself. She cannot give what she doesn’t have.
“Seul, as much as I want to convince myself that I can still do this, I can’t anymore. I am drained. I’m already out of love, Seul. I guess I gave her everything that I have to the point that I have nothing left for me anymore. And I cannot stay here because I know I’ll just keep running back to her. You know that no matter how tired I am, I’ll always keep running back to her. And I want to save myself from that situation, Seul. I am afraid that if I won’t do what I’m about to do, I’ll fully lose myself.”
She sighed and opened her private social media account.
The one that she uses to monitor her friends… and her.
She saw Seulgi’s new update, and she’s happy that her friend is doing good as a choreographer.
She also saw Yeri’s new update about enrolling at a pastry school, and Sooyoung spamming the comment section, giving the school warning about Yerim’s skills.
They haven’t changed a bit. She missed them.
Wendy scrolled, and her finger stopped at the familiar username.
It’s Joohyun. And her eyes grew wide when she saw Joohyun’s update. She can't be wrong.
She’s here in Canada?
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