the rising sun shines through half-open blinds to a messy room. two figures lay in the white sheets, but neither had gone to sleep that night. they stare at each other through hooded eyes, twinkling with all the magnificent lights in the universe.

seungwan joohyun's back with a delicate hand, a barely there touch that tickles and leaves tingles on joohyun's skin.

seungwan is propped up on a side, using pillow and watching joohyun lay on her stomach. she's so happy she can't contain herself, their first all-nighter together. she leans forward to kiss joohyun's shoulder, lingering her lips on her. joohyun sighs in a content way, tilting her head so she's pressing into seungwan. she feels exactly the same way that seungwan does, or at least she thinks she does; she has tried to learn to read her mind before, it never works.

they are one and the same though, both earning to be loved and their love for each other pours out through every pore, every day that intertwines them together is proof. who else would meet this way, who else would continue to meet despite everything else? seungwan breaks through all the walls takes joohyun's hand and brings her along for an adventure in love.

they are in love, joohyun believes. she plays with seungwan's fingers that have been inside of her just a few hours before. she would hug seungwan tight to her chest and never let go, she would crawl inside her ribs, if she could, it would mean never separating, living the life like that from then on. would seungwan be angry? would she want her removed? or would she protect her from outside the world, guarding her ribcage from all the other people?

"i'm spent." seungwan sighs against her shoulder, her eyes catch joohyun's and change when she remembers exactly why she's so tired, her imagination brings her to the not-so-innocent side of her. she kisses her skin, again and again, kisses from light to heavy, hand trails down to the lower back.

"doesn't seem like it."

seungwan chuckles and pulls back, dropping on her back. joohyun watches as a dreamy smile takes place.

"at least there are no distractions." seungwan says.

"what distraction are you talking about? it's just us."

"i- well." seungwan stutters. "just distractions."

"i think we'll need thicker walls if you want me to find out for myself." joohyun says airily.

"don't threaten me with a good time, bae joohyun."  seungwan turns to look at her.

joohyun can see herself in the reflection of seungwan's eyes, and suddenly turning shy. how can she act carefree; careless; free? does seungwan see her like that? is that why she loves her? because she's a version of herself that even she could fall in love with?

"i want to see you with kids." seungwan suddenly says without any force, revealing her thoughts. "imagine waking up to tiny feet padding across the floor to us. maybe a girl and a boy. number two seems to be a good number. what do you think? having a family?"

"i think i want anything that's yours." joohyun says, meaning it.

"not mine. ours." seungwan corrects her. "i know our families weren't... what we wanted, but we can do better. we can be perfect for each other, for our kids. i think with you i could do it."

"you're the one that i want." joohyun says. "even with you i feel like i'm home, i don't need another." she pauses. "but if you want to, i'm willing."

"i'm willing, too." seungwan smiles.

she sits up, letting the sheets fall to her lap, revealing her form -- the perfectness of a human body. seungwan shakes out her already messy short hair with a wild smile. she turns to joohyun then, eyebrows up.

"hungry?"

"for you? always." joohyun smirks at seungwan's groan.

"i literally can't anymore, i'm sorry."

joohyun pulls her to her back, kissing her in a slow way, a nowhere-to-be kiss. one of her favorites, besides the favorite one - seungwan's kiss. her hands in her hair, her tongue in , eyes closed and toes pointing; that's how she wants seungwan.

unconditional love, she thinks. people have heard of it, joohyun had dreamed of it before seungwan. now she can bask in it.

the doctor is funny looking, his tie is askew, the glasses at the tip of his nose. he looks at the computer with his head tilted up and types with one finger. she's not sure if she can trust him at all, but seulgi told her to get a check-up since she was worried. she doesn't like to worry seulgi.

she complains about insomnia the most. the general check-up is fine, she's a relatively healthy twenty-eight old woman with no health risks. when she says she can't sleep most nights and only takes short naps, the doctor turns to the computer.

"have you taken sleeping pills?"

"no." she says. "i don't want to depend on them."

"that's right, they are addictive." he says, then types something into the computer awfully slow. "have you thought about food supplements?"

"i take some vitamins. b, c and magnesium."

he pauses, a weird look on his face, but he's weird as a whole so joohyun pays no mind.

"there was this test trail to a new supplement. it's for sleep."

"okay?"

"it's called dreamex. it's to re-program your body. it'll evoke good vivid dreams, and you'll feel good while dreaming so the body will associate sleeping as an enjoyable thing and let you fall asleep faster." the doctor had explained. "you'll need to take it before sleep. one pill only."

"okay." joohyun nods. anything to get her to sleep.

she gets the supplement on the way home, and without any worry in her mind she pays for it quite cheap. she's surprised that a supplement this good could cost so little. maybe people don't know about it yet or maybe the doctor lied and it doesn't actually help at all. she reads the instructions but it's a bunch of nonsense basically repeating what the doctor said. she gets comfortable.

a quick shower and she's in bed, a glass of water and a pill in her hands.

"here goes nothing," she says before taking the pill.

and it's amazing. whatever it is in the pill is worth being worshipped. she dreams of seungwan. her seungwan with a smile, her pretty coconut hair. she takes joohyun's hand -- joohyun realizes it's memory then because they are where they met. she's rambling, telling joohyun how her youngest co-worker yeri is living with a bunch of people; the rent is cheap, they are not lonely, and they divide the housework. yeri can't afford to live on her own but she doesn't want to anyway, she told seungwan that it was the best decision in her life to live with others, and her overall mental health improved.

it's the day when seungwan asked joohyun to move in with her, she realizes. she was so nervous, joohyun could feel her hand shake in hers. she bought her hot chocolate and a cookie on the way from work. they both lived alone in shabby studio apartments. seungwan called joohyun to come over a lot, she was over there much more often than her own apartment. joohyun brushes seungwan's hair from her eyes as she listens to seungwan talk about yeri, now for some reason how she's good at video games so her opinion matters.

"would you, would you want to..." seungwan trails off.

"want to, what?" joohyun asks, soft smile on her lips. she puts her head in her hand, watching seungwan gather her nerves.

"would you want to live with me?"

"yes." with no hesitation.

joohyun will never forget the look of wonder seungwan got on her face. she looked in awe, in surprise that joohyun would agree to her idea, that she would like to spend more time with her than she already has.

"i love you, baby. of course, i would like to live with you." joohyun laughs at the wonderstruck seungwan.

"i love you, too." she leans over to kiss her. "i can believe we'll own a place together."

joohyun wakes with a face wet with tears.

she's late. she was supposed to be at the restaurant an hour ago. the super hard to get into a restaurant that seungwan booked for their anniversary. her heart feels like it'll beat out of her chest as she waits for the cab driver to reach her destination.

seungwan will be mad, right? she has reminded her time and time again about the dinner, she knew joohyun was flooded with work lately and it would slip her mind. she didn't forget though, she was so focused on her job that time just passed by too quick. she didn't even notice.

joohyun throws some cash when they arrive, out of the car, and in the restaurant fast. she greets the receptionist and is guided to the table, to seungwan.

"i'm so sorry." joohyun sits down, they're left alone.

"forgot?" seungwan guesses, picking up a glass of wine for a sip.

"no, i- i just missed the time." she says. "i'm sorry, seungwan. i know it's important, but the work has been so demanding. i'll make it up to you, i swear."

"it's fine." seungwan sighs. "i ate a lot of bread."

"you like bread." joohyun offers.

"yeah, so that was fun." seungwan finally smiles.

"are you mad?" joohyun carefully asks.

"not really. just missed you." she shrugs. "what am interested in, though, is how you said you were going to make it up to me."

"i was thinking of another dinner, but i can do something else." joohyun trails off watching seungwan's disappointed face.

"i'm listening."

"how about a massage?"

"oh?" seungwan leans forward.

"i brought some oils recently and i have these scented candles i never used."

"that sounds intriguing." seungwan grins but is interrupted by a waiter coming to get joohyun's order. she's caught blank-headed so she let's seungwan handle it, she orders for her. she never hated it, she's not picky with food, and she can eat whatever seungwan recommends. besides seungwan knows her taste by now; three years together is a lot for joohyun. many times her relationships ended just months into them, this time feels different. how is it that seungwan doesn't seem to have any flaws?

she notices how seungwan is dressed. joohyun just came with her work clothes, but seungwan had time to get ready -- make up on, she wore her best dress, bare shoulders, necklace hanging on her chest, hair up. she shows off her collarbones for joohyun, she knows she likes it. joohyun her lips, taking the glass of water that's on the table and taking a sip. her eyes travel back up, meeting seungwan's.

she's not startled, she's comfortable. she knows seungwan's body like her own, she's not scared to show it she wants it again. their nights together vary in emotion, and the way they can take each other is immaculate, joohyun never experienced it before. seungwan is skilled. very skilled. she can't help but think about all the other girls that had seungwan before her. all of them taught seungwan what to do and how to touch. she wants to erase them, she wants to be them, and she would love to show seungwan the ropes. but she wants seungwan pure.

is that how an addict feels? she wants to have seungwan only, no one else allowed.

"you okay?" seungwan asks. "your face is doing an intense thing."

"i'm fine."

seungwan looks at her like she doesn't believe her. she knows her too well sometimes; when sometimes it is a gift, sometimes it is too much too.

"really, i'm fine." she convinces her. "you look lovelier today."

"i put in an effort." seungwan gets a bashful smile.

"i'm sorry i didn't." joohyun says sincerely. "i stick out like a sore thumb. you must be disappointed."

"i don't care how you look. i love you, okay?" seungwan reaches across the table for her hand.

"would've still be nicer." joohyun mumbles, looking at their joint hands.

"it would've been nicer if i was taller too but we can't have everything." seungwan jokes. "perfect is boring."

"you're perfect, but you're not boring." joohyun says.

"i'm not perfect." seungwan shakes her head. "far from it. but i try for you. i want to have you in my life for a long time."

"me too." joohyun breathes out.

"then let's celebrate our three years and all the others that're to come." seungwan grins.

even if seungwan says that perfect is boring, the dinner is perfect. they talk about all their past dates, their adventures together; their first date, the friend hangout, the first time they stayed over. seungwan shows her photos of dogs that make her shudder and joohyun shows her all the animal photos that remind her of seungwan. she has a whole folder of them. the food is delicious and they take bites of each other's meals, feeding each other. wine pours out easily and it's nice that neither of them drove because they're in no shape to. walking home seems so nice, joohyun smiles at the thought of it. just her and seungwan on the sidewalk, hands linked together.

the night ends like expected -- back at her apartment seungwan s her numb for the forgetfulness.

her seungwan is a journalist. there's another journalist in the company that keeps pursuing her. no matter how much she says she's not interested that one doesn't give up. all the free coffee and small favors linger in joohyun's head for months. whenever joohyun and seungwan come out for a date, seungwan is so nice. it's hard not to feel possessive when she pays more attention to strangers than to her date. it's to be polite, she has to make a good impression on everyone, she says, but what about joohyun? is she nothing?

flowers, dinners, wine, and surprises; some things are not enough to save a relationship. they both cry when seungwan breaks them up, separating them from each other, and ruining joohyun's life.

and why wouldn't she choose pills over reality? in reality she's nothing, not even someone like seungwan -- a lionheart -- couldn't love her properly, what she is to someone else? she takes to relive, to feel better. the ache in her chest is everlasting she can't take the dull sound in her ears, her senses are not what they used to be. at work she can't complete tasks that were simple before, her boss keeps eyeing her like she's on drugs.

maybe he's right. maybe her drug is the happiness that seungwan pulled out from under her like a rug. she's on her back, unable to get up. seungwan broke her. she loved her with all her heart.

she couldn't believe it when she found seungwan, her true one, her perfect one despite all the imperfections. joohyun found a home when she had nowhere to go, when the life was bleak she found her light in seungwan, her north star. the hope of it all, the sun to her icarus. she never guessed seungwan could pull away from her so easily. without a fight. without a flight to blazing star.

she takes two pills with coffee, kinda ironic. one's to sleep and one's to stay awake. with sluggish movements she walks to her bed and lays down, closing her eyes immediately. she knows the effects will appear soon, as quick as the snap of the fingers.

she can't wait to be with her seungwan and forget the impostor that is in reality.

"don't spill." seungwan warns her passing her a plastic cup full of beer.  she then gets one for herself and takes joohyun's hand, navigating through the people to get to a good spot. the music is booming loud, the newly debuted band is performing their latest single so the whole crowd is moving with the rhythm. there are a lot of people here, at this music festival. joohyun follows seungwan and grips her hand, afraid of getting left behind. she tugs the said hand when she sees a place they could stop of, she points it out to seungwan.

"do you want to set the blanket?" seungwan asks, close to her ear. joohyun nods, hands her beer to her, and takes the blanket out of the bag she carried with her. she sets the blanket easily, and a group of people settle down beside them and say hi. seungwan is a ray of sunshine, engages them in an easy conversation, coming closer. joohyun is left alone to guard the blanket.

seulgi and sooyoung are to find them soon since they came together after all. she sees them walking around, searching for them, and waves them over.

"where's seungwan?" seulgi asks, sitting down on the blanket.

joohyun points.

"ah, come on, seungwan!" sooyoung calls her back. "i want to taste that beer."

"sorry, they were friendly. he is a construction worker and we're having renovations at our home so-"

"-so boring. gimme." sooyoung reaches out for one of the beers.

"here." seungwan hands her one and passes joohyun the other. "guess i'll have to go again."

"just a sip." sooyoung says and does so, making a delightful sound at the taste. "so good."

"really? let me see." seulgi reaches for it, giving it a try. "yeah, it's good."

joohyun silently takes a gulp, not saying anything. she doesn't like when seungwan leaves her alone like that. it's not like she said anything but it's bitter. why is she paying more attention to some strangers than her own girlfriend? but then she'd do something sweet to her and all the anger would disappear. how could you be mad at that? she's considerate but sloppy at that, spreading her goodness thin when she considers all the people in her view. she can be too good if it's possible. joohyun feels like an to even think that. she's possessive, she knows, but when you have someone like seungwan, you don't let go.

"i can't believe this thing is so expensive." seulgi complains raising her hand with a bright pink paper bracelet on, it's a ticket for the festival that they all had to get.

"you won't spend money on your games for a month and you'll be good." sooyoung pats her thigh. seulgi pales a bit but still smiles at them when they laugh at her reaction.

"good?" seungwan asks quietly, turning to look at her.

joohyun nods, drinking again so is busy and she doesn't have to say a thing. seungwan takes her drink back from the other two, tasting it herself for the first time. as sooyoung and seulgi bicker about seulgi playing too many games, seungwan knocks her beer cup against joohyun's grinning. she's playful today, and says "cheers" as she takes two more gulps. probably will get drunk by the end of the afternoon. a new band comes on and they cheer, raising their arms and clapping, they get bored quickly and the more fast-paced it is, the better.

seungwan leans against her front, settling in between her legs. her feet move along to the beat of the song and she sings under her breath only for joohyun to hear. joohyun wraps an arm around her middle, holding her tight. seungwan sighs in content, joohyun's hair tickling her cheek. they forget that they aren't alone, that there are hundreds of people around them, and that seulgi and sooyoung are right there. they want to be close.

"why can't we be like that?" sooyoung asks.