Karina’s

“Ay beh, nilaplap ka muna tapos pinaalis ka?” Ning remarked as she caressed my back. 

She's been consoling me for over an hour now, but nothing seems to make me stop crying over what happened between me and Blade. 

I've already sent Blade a lengthy message that summarizes my current thoughts. If you read the message, I may have seemed angry, but what can I do? I was hurt.

I made every effort to appear strong in front of Blade, pero hindi ko kinaya. I ended up crying in front of her pero even when I showed her a vulnerable side of myself, nothing changed. She still let me go so readily in the end. 

I still cannot get a grasp of what seems to have happened to us because she didn't even try to communicate it to me. I know that Blade is very secretive but her friends are a whole lot different from her. 

I am fully aware that Blade works as a fighter in the illegal underground fighting scene. Lopez slipped up that one time when we went out to get a drink. 

I just know that she’s a fighter, nothing more and nothing less.

“Alam ko na gusto na ni Blade lumaban sa cage para matapos na yung pinag-iipunan niya.”

She tried to save the conversation but it was too late anyway. 

And, pinag-iipunan? 

I can help her with that but I know that she won’t let me. Also, ayoko rin naman makisali and makialam.

It became clear to me all of a sudden. Maybe that's why she's been so determined to train again, even after a life threatening incident. 

She has a stitch on her tummy and a stitch on her head, how can she consider doing anything other than resting?

Of course, I understand naman. I'm well aware that not everyone has the luxury of sitting around doing nothing.

I wish I could help her.

I'd do anything to help her bear the burden of her problems. But for the time being, I'm content with simply standing by her side as a support or a shoulder to cry on when times get rough.

In the end, I decided not to pry and just wait for her to tell me whenever she’s ready to open up. 

But she didn’t.

“You know, Karina. You’re too pretty para lang magmukmok like this.” Ning once again uttered. I know that she’s trying really hard to comfort me.

Knowing her, she'll most likely crack a joke just to make me laugh. I'm sorry, Ning, but now that I've lost Blade, I can't seem to laugh at all.

Siya lang kasi ang nakapunta dito sa house namin because both Yeji and Giselle are busy with school work. 

“N-Ning, I don’t know what to do.” I continued whilst sobbing my heart out.

I honestly don't know if it's true when they say "love at first sight," but the moment I saw Blade, I knew I was attracted to her. I yearned to spend more time with her and see her constantly. I wanted to know what disgusts her,  what makes her sad, what makes her angry, and  what makes her laugh. Technically, I was interested in every aspect of her..

and I still am. 

“Hahanapan kita ng bagong papi, don’t worry.” Ning said, attempting to lighten the mood around us.

I gave her a death stare, which caused her to laugh. “Keme lang naman teh! Ano ka ba.” She paused. “Pero seriously speaking, just give her space and also give yourself time to breathe. It’s okay to hate her if that’ll make you feel better pero also consider the fact that maybe there’s a reason why she can’t tell you what’s up.” 

I am aware that Ning is a cheerful and upbeat type of friend, but when she is serious, she always gives the best advice that makes it easier for me to feel better. 

“I-I want to hate her, Ning. But, even if she does the cruelest things to me, I know that there will still be no part of me that can possibly hate her.” I replied while raising my head to see in the mirror in front of me.

I look dead tired.

“Hala ka, beh. Inlove ka na ba kay Blade?! Tunog inlove ka na eh.” Ning's eyes widened, and the realization caused her to cover . “I mean, Blade is fine-fine naman talaga and may certain vibe siya na nakaka fall so I can’t blame you.” 

Am I in love? 

No, I don’t think so. I guess?

Not yet at least.

“I’m not on that level pa, Ning.” I sighed. “I just like her so much that I'm prepared to allow myself to fall in love with her even if she is unable to return the favor.”

“Malala ka na, Karina.” Ning responded while shaking her head in disbelief. 

Trust me, Ning. I know. 

-

8:15 am.

I'm here at a café near our school early in the morning since our professors had to dismiss us early due to an unexpected conference call.

I'm meant to be studying General Medical Surgical Foundation 1, but I can't get my mind off what recently happened between Blade and me.

I still can't get every small detail of what transpired between us two weeks ago out of my thoughts.

All of it keeps playing in my head over and over again. How she kept trying to push me away, how she told me to forget that we had ever met, and how her kiss was contrary to everything she had said.

It was gentle and warm, as though pleading with me not to leave.

I once again held my lips as I remembered our latest kiss. Probably our last. 

The past two weeks have been absolute torture without her. I may be overreacting, I know. It’s just, I miss her so much. I'd like to go see her, but I also want to accept and respect her decision.

It's difficult because I can't do anything to make myself feel better.

I wrote her a message last week in which I emphasized that I did not resent her for doing the things she did and that I realize that I am not supposed to know everything, but she has not been reading my messages.

Does she despise the thought of me that much?

If I'm being completely honest, her ignoring me and the fact that she absolutely hates me makes me feel like I'm being drowned over and over again. No, scratch that. It feels more like I’m being shot on the chest consecutively. 

I understand that she made it clear that she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me but it just feels like she deleted me from her life too easily. 

Hindi ko naman siya masisisi. Ako lang naman talaga ang namilit na manghimasok sa buhay niya.

I exhaled in frustration as I glanced at the hot coffee that had gone cold before I could even take a sip of it. Like her. 

Even sa coffee, si Blade ang naaalala ko.

I was startled out of my trance when someone started speaking out of the blue.

“Karina, are you free? We’re planning to study BHS 31513 together sa unit ko.” Jeno, a male classmate of mine, asked. 

He pointed to the table next to mine. I spotted my classmates waving in our direction. Because the thought of Blade had been bothering me, I hadn't even noticed that the table next to me was full of my classmates.

I contemplated a little bit if I should join them. I have nothing better to do naman so might as well go with them, right?

*Phone vibrates*

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a notification on my phone.

“Wait, I’ll check my phone lang.” Pagpapaalam ko kay Jeno.

"Of course. I'll be waiting for you at our table." He smiled widely before leaving. 

“Karina, pagbigyan mo na si Jeno, one time lang.”  As I was looking at my phone, Mark, one of our classmates, made a comment, prompting teases from our fellow classmates that were inside the cafe.

I decided to simply disregard them and kept browsing through my phone. They keep making fun of Jeno and me quite frequently. Even the reason they kept doing it eludes me.

I giggled when I once again read the group chat name. Chaewon changed it after I informed them about Blade and I’s falling out.

I’m not sure if nakita na ba ‘to ni Blade since hindi naman niya binabasa ang messages sa GC. Probably not.

GC - Mag-usap na kayo or else

Chaewon: sinetch itey may kalampungan sa bungad ng pound

Chaewon: clue: hindi nagsiseen dito sa gc kaya okay lang trastokin

Lopez: gago? si blade? pano mo nasabi? 

Ning: ha??? si blade?? akala ko ba

Yeji: Ning…

Giselle: drop proof or fake news

Yujin: gago talaga ‘to si chae

Chaewon: *sends picture*

I felt a sharp pain in my chest when I saw the photo. 

Blade was there. Next to Yunjin.

Is she the reason why Blade suddenly dropped me?

Lopez: deins na lang ako magtalk mga sissy quoh

Ning: shet! bakit may hubaran?

Ning: @Karina could never

Giselle: HAHAHAHAHHA YOU’RE DONE

Chaewon: HAHAHAHA boogsh man down 

Yujin: 😭😭😭

Yeji: My goodness gracious

Chaewon: Anong masasabi mo @Karina 🎤

Lopez: may mic gago hahahahaha

Now my friends are making fun of me.

And anong Karina could never? I could do that with Blade naman ah. We made out nga last time. 

I scoffed out of irritation.

Ning: ‘wag niyo nga inookray ang mhiema ko. ilang araw na nga ‘yang broken-hearted eh

Giselle: true! barrera niyo lovesick girl. hindi na kumain si accla

Yeji: Stop it you two

Ning: sT0üGh iT u 2

Giselle: HAHAHAHAHAHAH im out

Chaewon: ang gago nito ni ning oh HAHAHAHA

Lopez: parang ikaw

Yujin: HAHAHAHAHHA

Ning: tawa tawa ka dyan @Yujin. panindigan mo ako, buntis ako. eme!

Lopez: ha?!! may nangyari?!

Giselle: kaya pala nawala

Ning: oo mga vevs, awakened gay na ako kasi ang galing ng friend niyo. chos! 

Chaewon: tama ang pagpapalaki namin sa’yo yojen

Yujin: 🤦🏻‍♀️

I palmed my face because of the commotion sa GC. Sobrang kulit lang ng friend group nam