Seulgi’s eyes jolted open because of the vibrating phone beside her. She sat up slowly, to prepare for another day at work. She blinked, to clear her still blurry visions. She looked at her right, where Joohyun should be sleeping, but only found the new she bought neatly folded, with a paper placed on top. She sighed deeply. She stood up then got the piece of paper in her hand.

I need some time alone.

Is what’s written on that paper. Seulgi wasn’t surprise at all. She’s been acting weird since yesterday night, after all. She guesses, she wasn’t able to fully cheer her up.

“Kiss me.”

Seulgi shut her eyes forcefully as she sat on the chair to eat breakfast. The happenings that night kept reoccurring in her mind. She can’t believe she actually succumb to her invite. It wasn’t because she wished for it for so long, but because she looked so desperate. It was like she was looking for answers, which can only be found in that request. She lifted her hand up, touched her lips, and then softly closed her eyes, letting her mind reminisce what happened last night.

“Kiss me.”

“W-what?!” Seulgi’s jaw almost dropped at what Joohyun said.

Seulgi thought she had somehow cheered up with what she said, before they went to her favorite ramen stall. She felt that somehow, since they were able to converse comfortably while eating. But somehow, after finishing her call with Sooyoung, and meeting her who was just outside the ramen stall standing, she felt that her mood went back to that gloomy one.

Seulgi approached Joohyun and invited her to go home. She just smiled weakly as she nodded. They walked home silently then. Joohyun didn’t speak a word and she was emitting that kind of vibe that she shouldn’t talk to her, which Seulgi abided to. Maybe she’s still thinking about the memories that came back to her. Those facts weren’t easy to accept after all.

Upon arriving home, Joohyun went straight to the bathroom. She took a bath longer than the usual, Seulgi cursed herself for knowing. She has already prepared the pair of mattresses, the new one was laid for her while the older was Seulgi’s.

Seulgi was lazily Indian-sitting on her mattress as she waited for her. Once Joohyun got out, wearing her pyjama while her towel was placed on her head, she sat straight and followed her with her gaze, wondering if she’ll still be needing more time to dry her wet hair before she turns the lights off. She concluded that she does, so she got her mobile phone and played a game there to kill time. There was a pregnant silence when Joohyun suddenly spoke.

“Seulgi-yah…”

Seulgi turned to her and saw her sitting in a seiza style. She was shocked to see her like that so she was about to stand up to have her stand up, but she stopped her by shaking her head with a serious expression on her face. “W-what’s wrong, Joohyun-ah?” She asked worriedly.

Joohyun stared at Seulgi, the seriousness in her façade made her feel nervous. “I… have a favor to ask…”

“S-sure, what is it?”

“Would you…”

“Would I?”

“Kiss me.”

“W-what?!” Seulgi exclaimed in shock. She saw her brows knitting as she rolled her eyes down upon her reaction. She gulped. She suddenly felt guilty at the way she looked. But why would Joohyun want her to do that? Just what in the world is she thinking?

“Please…”

Seulgi’s eyes widened at her plead. She was looking straight into her eyes as she said that one word. Her heart winced in pain somehow. That plead, was desperate.

“Okay.” Seulgi answered as she stood up then walked nearer to Joohyun, kneeling once in front of her who was still on her previous position. She gently placed her trembling two hands on her still damp face, strands of her still wet hair touched her hands, leaving droplets of water on it. She lifted her head by the chin slowly to face her. Joohyun’s eyes were closed, while her lips were slightly opened, anticipating the kiss she’s going to give her. Seeing that made Seulgi’s heart go crazy, it’s thumping wildly inside her chest like it wanted to run away. She gulped then slowly closed her eyes. If Seulgi is going to kiss her now, she should let all her hidden feelings for her convey through it. She slowly made her face nearer; she can now feel Joohyun's warm breath fanning on her face.

And then like the time stopped, like the world stopped rotating, Seulgi’s lips touched Joohyun’s. I love you, Joohyun.

Seulgi then moved away. Just how it felt like forever, just like a snap, in a blink of an eye, it was over. She slowly opened her eyes. Her heart wrenched upon seeing Joohyun’s face—her eyes still closed, streak of tears drew lines on her reddened cheeks. Her heart broke, yet again. Ah, her kiss wasn’t able to convey it.

“Sorry.” Seulgi mumbled as she went to turn off the lights, then tucked herself inside the futon, covered herself with the blanket then bit her lips, to not make that sobbing sound was dying to release, as tears flow down from her eyes uncontrollably, like water flowing out from a broken dam.

“Bzzzt… Bzzzt…”

Seulgi opened her eyes to the sound of her vibrating phone. She wiped her eyes that has already formed tears in them. She went back to her futon then got her phone. She saw Sooyoung’s name on the screen then answered it.

“So, how is she?”

“She… uh… Joohyun left…”

“What? When?”

“Early in the morning, I guess. I actually didn’t notice.”

“What do you mean? Was she still disturbed by her memories? I thought she was fine, you said so when I called you last night.”

“I thought so too… But… She started feeling down again after we ate… She was acting weird even…”

“Weird? What do you mean?”

“T-that’s… well…”

“Well?”

“She… asked me to kiss her…”

“…”

“…”

“And you did?”

“Yes… It felt like a desperate plead…”

“I see… Well… Don’t worry about it too much. Everything’s going to be fine once she remembers everythi—”

“I told you. There’s nothing for her to remember… about me…”

“…”

“…”

“Well then, are you okay with this, leaving her alone?”

I don’t want her to feel alone.

“I’ll call you later, seonsingnim.” Seulgi pressed the end call then put her phone inside her short’s pocket. She got her coat, the key to her apartment then turned off the electricity, leaving her apartment in a hurry.

+++

Seulgi was panting as she arrived outside Joohyun’s apartment. She took a deep sigh after she had regained her breath. She stared at the door, thinking of knocking but then she thought that Joohyun probably won’t open her door for her. She got the set of keys for her apartment, one key there was a duplicate for her apartment. It might be disrespectful to barge in but Seulgi was worried about her.

Seulgi slipped the key in the knob then turned it, opening the door, revealing Joohyun, slumping on the messy floor with different papers, pictures and albums scattered around. Her slouched back was facing her and she looked really exhausted. That form of her was worse than her crying, trembling form—it was like she got tired of everything and has given up. She gritted her teeth. Surely, that form only means one thing… She now remembers everything. “Joohyun-ah…” She took a step.

“No, don’t.”

Seulgi halted. She pursed her frowning lips, tears have started to form in her eyes. “Joohyun-ah…” She called, pleading.

“Don’t come near me…”

Seulgi closed her eyes as the tears raced down her cheeks. Her clenched fists have gone tighter along with her gritted teeth. She savored that tormenting pain with all her might, because she deserves all of it—the consequence of lying, of taking advantage of her, of this ugly feeling, of this love. She deserved to be punished.

“I do not deserve to be with you.”

“I do not deserve to be with you.”

Seulgi’s eyes widened, even with her vision blurred by tears, she saw Joohyun’s lifeless back, tremble again, with an almost wail cry, after their words collided together.

+++

“There’s nothing for her to remember… about me…”

Joohyun won’t believe it. She refuses to believe it. That is not true. If it is, then these overflowing feelings of hers, where did these came from? These feelings were baseless then? Where does she shout these feelings to?

When Seulgi touched her lips because she pleaded to, these feelings that she had no idea were housing within her overflowed. Like a caged bird that flew away once the cage was broken. Those feelings overwhelmed her to the extent that it brought her to tears. So why exactly, wasn’t she able to remember anything? It frustrates her so much, that it drives her crazy.

“There’s nothing for her to remember… about me…”

No!

Joohyun continued walking without any destination. She was looking for something, a proof perhaps, that what she believes is true. The beliefs in her heart, she didn’t want it to crumble. She wants to protect it with all her might.

Then Joohyun thought that maybe there’s something that they left behind. And the best place to find it is back in her apartment.

Joohyun ran towards that place, like her life depended on it. She entered it then rummage the place, looking for anything, anything at all to prove that what Seulgi said wasn’t true. That she has something to remember of her.

Joohyun searched all around, the photo albums, old notebooks, everything, until she got tired. As she dropped herself on the floor, she found a rather small drawer under her bed. It was almost unnoticeable that you have to look at its level to properly see it. She opened it then found a folder. She got the folder and felt goosebumps all over her body. She turned the first page and her eyes widened at what’s written at the lower right corner of the paper.

Kang Seulgi.

Like a blinding light, images of the past came back to her, draining the life out of her body.

+++

“Oh! The lesbo’s here!”

Joohyun turned to where her friend was looking at and saw Kang Seulgi—the talk of the school. Ah, she really is wearing boyishly as the rumors says.

Joohyun, together with her friends always skipped school so they were surprised to have heard of a weird rumor. They said that a certain first year came out to be lesbian and was actually showing it off proudly.

Joohyun crossed her legs, she was sitting on a bench with her friends, with an eyebrow raised as she followed her with her gaze as she stride normally inside the school, ignoring the students whose piercing gazes were pointed at her. She had guts, considering that this is an all-girls school.

“Ugh! She’s irritating, don’t you think so too, Hyun-ah?”

“Hn.” Joohyun just hissed.

“I know! Let’s hide her undergarments during P.E. time. Let’s see if she can still act so cool after that.”