I'm not a numb person.

Or maybe I was starting to become one?

Nakikita ko naman.

Alam ko naman.

And wholeheartedly, nararamdaman ko naman.

I’ve been very much aware that I could never—not in a million, hell, even billion years—compete with her.

It was bearable for a while.

But if I was being completely honest, there have been difficult moments wherein I felt like letting go.

However, my love for her reigned still. Otherwise, wala na sana ako sa apartment naming dalawa. Otherwise, umalis na ako.

I used to tell myself before that I would never take less than what I deserve. It has always been my mantra before I met Winter.

That's why it always made me wonder—bakit hindi pa ako ang mag-initiate to let her go? When I knew for a fact that she was still very much in love with Lia, her ex-girlfriend.

Is this the person who I've become?

Tumatanggap ng pira-piraso from the very person I'm giving my whole self to?

But I didn’t want to let go just yet. Because how the hell could I let her go when she was the very reason why I kept holding on?

Love is choice, they say. And I kept on choosing her.

Winter.

She's not a bad girlfriend.

In fact, she's more than I could ever ask for.

She is so good to me that she would put to all my ex-partners to shame. That's how amazingly wonderful she is as a person.

And that's why I couldn’t seem to let her go.

Even though sometimes, napapansin kong nakatulala lang siya kapag gabi na magkatabi kami. Kapag akala niya tulog na ako.

And the silent cries.

‘Yun yung pinakamabigat.

‘Yung magigising ako ng madaling araw only to hear her sobbing in the bathroom, whispering Lia's name like it's a prayer.

Katulad ngayon.

This has been the second time this week that I woke up without her by my side.

And if they asked me, I'd say that's progress. Dahil dati, halos every night ganito.

“Winter? Mahal?” I called for her name, pretending I just woke up when the truth is hinintay ko lang mag-die down ang iyak niya.

That's one thing about me as well.

I know how to act.

I know how to pretend I'm not hurting.

“K—Karina? I'm just taking a dump,” she chuckled, her laugh hollow. “May nakain yata ako kanina sa office na hindi maganda.”

“Take your time,” I replied.

As if I was not aware she was lying.

“Go back to sleep. I'll be by your side din maya maya,” it was pretty obvious that she was just swallowing the lump formed in .

I'm taking a good guess she's not done crying just yet.

“Okay!” My tone is jolly. Para hindi niya mahalata that I'm dying inside, “Bilisan mo ha. I miss you already!”

She didn't answer.

She was always good at that—not answering.

Hindi siya makasagot when I ask her kung bakit namumugto ang mata niya; hindi siya makasagot kapag tinatanong ko kung bakit wala siyang ganang kumain minsan.

Hindi rin siya makasagot kapag sinasabi kong mahal ko siya.

At lahat ng 'yon ay okay lang.

She treats me well, so that should be enough, right?

As long as she wasn’t leaving. As long as she was keeping her promise to always stay by my side. As long as she was still pretending na ako ang gusto niya.

Kaya ko namang maghintay hanggang sa mahalin niya na ako pabalik.

But the guilt has also been taking over my system.

Sometimes, I felt like I was being selfish for staying in spite of the fact that she never asked me to leave.

It just felt like that at times. Like I was the villain of their love story.

We never talk about her and Lia.

Well, at least she never wanted to talk about her and Lia.

The only thing I knew was that she was evidently sad when I met her at Giselle's party. We became friends, and we hit it off instantly.

She still wears that sad expression still even after years kahit sinasabi niya na yung pagdating ko raw sa buhay niya was one of the reasons she was happier now.

I suddenly felt her arms snake around my body.

“Sleep na tayo, babe,” the sweetness in her voice was back. No more of that broken tone she uses when I hear her silent cries.

“I love you, Winter..”

I'm not a religious person. But just this once, I pray to God that she says she loves me too.

Because I was starting to weaken.

I was starting to forget my worth.

“Hmm.. Sleep well, baby.”

Like many other nights, I pretended it didn't wound me.

—

“Giselle, do you think I'm being selfish?”

She halted her steps, taking a good look at me before entering her condo, “Selfish? What do you mean?”

“Winter.”

She had this look that she knew instantly what I was talking about.

“Oh. You still think hindi pa siya nakaka move on kay Lia?” I followed her inside her apartment, sitting on the chair that I like in her living room.

“I don't think hindi pa siya nakaka-move on. I know hindi pa,” I smiled, albeit depressing. The confidence in my voice was evident that Giselle couldn't help but smile sadly at me.

I feel so pathetic.

When did I become like this?

Why am I letting someone ruin me like this?

“Paano mo naman nasabi yan? For all you know, she's completely over her,” I know even Giselle didn't believe her own words. Just trying her old method on me—comforting with little white lies.

I looked away.

“She wrote her a song,” I said. “And she cries for her still.”

My friend had agape.

“Oh,” there was a loud silence formed between us. Until she broke it again, “Kailan mo nakita..? Maybe she wrote it when the break up was fresh?”

“No, Gis. I'm sure she wrote it not long ago.” I shook my head, feeling the tears brim on my eyes, “The lyrics.. God, the lyri