When the world turns dark

And the rain quietly falls

Everything is still

Even today, without a doubt

I can’t get out of it

I can’t get out from the thoughts of you

 

Rainy days always makes her feels somber. Not that she’s usually cheerful either. Rainy days just tend to bring memories back. Those memories she’d rather put in the deepest part in her mind and lock them so it’d never come back again. Because the people in it, she would rather forget them. Not that she wanted to. It just needed to be done.

“Doesn’t it get cold here?”

A voice pulled her out of the trance. There’s no need to turn around, she recognized that voice very well. One of the only voices that she’d heard every day these past few months.

“What are you doing here? I thought today is your day off? Or did I heard wrong?”

Bae Joohyun chuckles before saying, “How do you know it’s my day off? Stalker much?”

She clicked her tongue and gives the doctor a sharp gaze. “You wish. Nurse Son kept on blabbering this morning, how could I not know with her loud voice thundering the hallways.”

“Ahh, that nurse. I should tape so she would shut up just for a while.”

“You wouldn’t dare. She’s gonna kill you with her fiery slap. You might end up in the room beside mine.” They both laughed knowing that might be the case if the said nurse ever caught them talking behind her back.

“Well, it’s true today is my day off. I just stop by to pick up my dirty clothes that I forgot to bring home yesterday. And I saw you here by chance. You’d better get into your room. You know very well you shouldn’t be here, right? It’s cold. And, you shouldn’t get rained on too.”

Sigh. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll get into my room now. Just wanted to take a breather for a moment. It’s suffocating to be in that room all day long.”

Joohyun put her concerned gaze on the patient. She knows how hard it is for the girl. “Well then, I will leave you here. Don’t stay out here for too long okay?”

“Alright. Don’t worry.” Minjeong tries her best to show a cheery facade to the doctor. She knows Joohyun only means well for her. She’s her doctor after all.

***

It’s so strange, just thinking of you

Makes tears fall

Tears are falling falling falling

I want to go back to you

I can do anything

Even if all of my life till now disappears

 

“Hey, Minjeong. Wake up. Hey.”

Her eyes wide open. She’s confused. “Uhm what? What is it?”

She looks up and sees a worried gaze.

“Are you okay? You’re crying in your sleep.”

“Oh. I’m okay. It’s just a dream.”

The doctor still held a concern gaze but Minjeong ignores it. She doesn’t want to dwell on it too much. “Are you here for the check-up?”

“Yes. Are you ready? Today we will do it again. The chemotherapy.”

Minjeong only looks at her doctor and weakly said, “Can..can we not do it? I.. I don’t think I can bear it anymore.”

Joohyun soften her gaze onto the girl. She pats her head and put a few strands of hair behind her ears. “We have to do it Minjeong. You know it. Don’t you want to get better?”

“I’m tired. I don’t think any kind of therapy would help me anymore. I don’t think I’m gonna get better. Can you just.. let me go?”

Minjeong’s eyes glistened with tears. Joohyun tries her best to control her emotion. She shouldn’t look weak in front of her patient. “Still, we should try. Okay, Minjeong? I’ll ask Nurse Son to pick you up later when it’s time.” Joohyun smiles and hurriedly walk out from the room to hide her tears.

Joohyun washes her face to hide the fact that she cried. She’s a doctor and she should be strong for her patient. Minjeong needs her. She should not cry at all. It’s not professional. But, it’s Minjeong. She doesn’t know why she’s so attached to this patient. Maybe because she looks like a sick puppy and needs to be taken care of. And the fact that Minjeong never get any visitor at all saddened her more.

***

I know I'll be alright

But I'm not tonight

I'll be lying awake

Countin' all the mistakes I've made

Replayin' fights

I know I'll be alright

But I'm not tonight

I lost a friend, I lost a friend

Joohyun walks quietly into the room to not disturb the patient. She knows the effect of chemotherapy to those who went through it. That happened two days ago but Minjeong must still feels ty. However, she found a wide eyed Minjeong staring at her quietly. She looks so pale but awake nevertheless.

“Hey, did you eat?”

“No..”

“Why?”

Minjeong kept mum and only stares at her. Her eyes looks so sad. Joohyun clears and said, “do you want me to feed you?”

Instead of answering, she found Minjeong suddenly sobbing. The doctor rushes to take Minjeong into her arm, hugging her tightly and brushes her hair, trying to give some comfort to the patient. She did it until the tears subsided and Minjeong’s breathing become stable. Joohyun sit on the chair beside the bed and takes Minjeong’s hands, rubbing it softly.

“I miss my friends. Especially my best friend.”

“Hmm..? Tell me about them.”

“Her name is Jimin. Yoo Jimin.”

Joohyun could see the smile she wore when the patient uttered her friend’s name.

“She’s genius, pretty and kind. She spoke softly, just like you. I like it when people speak softly with me. My family’s upbringing were.. quite rough? I think so. I’m the youngest so maybe they wanted me to be independent and so that I could take care of myself. My sister, well, she often let her anger out on me. Maybe she didn’t have any other ways so I took it all. My other friends, let’s say, their words were quite.. strong but they’re kind so I adapted with their ways. But Jimin.. she was so soft spoken. She made me felt loved. People hardly like that with me. And so, when I had a taste of that kind of treatment, that kind of love, even if it’s platonic, I don’t want to let it go.”

 

Flashback (10 years ago)

Kim Minjeong sat uncomfortably in her seat. She looked constipated. She currently going through the orientation week for the new students and she absolutely hates it. Kim Minjeong was a shy and introverted person, she also had a stage fright and could never talk in front of people. The activity they’re  currently doing needed her to talk and gave ideas for her group.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Uhh.. I’m okay..” she replied awkwardly. The girl gave her a smile and said, “I’m Yoo Jimin, but you can call me Jimin. What about you?”

“I-I’m Kim Minjeong.. You can call me Minjeong.”

 Jimin tried to crack a joke to make her comfortable and she did felt calmer than before. They planned and after a few days, it was the day where they need to perform in front of the whole school. She didn’t know how it happened but she’s the conductor for their choir performance despite her stage fright. What’s worse was that she didn’t have any basic for it and just did it for the sake of their performance. Guess what? She had her panic attack while conducting their performance. As soon as she’s backstage, she collapsed. They picked her up and gave her some water. When she felt calmer, she tried to find Jimin but to no avail. Maybe she’s with her other friends. They were only acquainted because of the task after all. Nothing more, nothing less.

The orientation ended and they continued their life in the boarding school just like that. They hardly ever meet since both of them were in different classes and also different level in hostel. That was until a club meet up. They were both in the same club. Minjeong was so ecstatic to find a familiar face. They became closer than before because of the club meet up. Jimin often called her names because of her obsession with stripes shirt.

“Hey, mosquito. It’s your turn, go and win it!”

“I’m not a mosquito!!”

“Yes you are. Look at your shirt. You looked just like a mosquito to me!” teased Jimin.

Minjeong pout and went into the volleyball court while sulking. Jimin only laughed seeing Minjeong’s face. After the game ended, they clean up the court together.

“Minjeong, want to eat together?”

“Let’s go!!”

Jimin chuckled watching Minjeong’s antics.

Their friendship became closer just like that. The only time they could meet each other was during club meet up. And, sometimes Minjeong would join Jimin studying in library. It’s hard though to get close to Jimin because of her popularity. Her good looks, manners and brains attracted people to fawn all over her.

Her kindness that Minjeong experienced repeatedly. Once, Minjeong came back from her classes just to see a chocolate bar and a note thanking her for being her friend. There was one time when a book fair was held in their school, and Minjeong being a book nerd was really fascinated by all the books. Sadly, she’s not from a well off family so she could only see it. She just couldn’t shut up by all the books she found to be interesting and talked about it with Jimin. Jimin patiently listened to her ramblings. That night, she came back from her studying session and found books on her bed. All of it were the one she had blabbered to Jimin a while ago. There’s a note clipped to the books and it said to enjoy the books. At that moment, she felt like she could almost cry. So, she ran to Jimin’s dorm but couldn’t find her. She texted Jimin to thank her and Jimin just brush it off. She ended up sleeping with Jimin that night.

One day, while they were walking back from the club weekly meet up, Minjeong could see that Jimin was troubled with something. She looked restless and kept on frowning.

“Minjeong..”

“Hmm..?”

“What do you think if I become a member of the student council?”

“What I think..?”

“Yes. Like, I don’t know if it suits me. But the teachers and others keep on asking me to join the election for the new student council.”

Minjeong thought about it for a while and said, “well, it doesn’t really matter about what I think. But if you really wanted my opinion about this.. I think there is no one deserving to be in student council more than you. It suits you and if you really decide to join the election, know that you already secured a vote, from me. Still, don’t get pressure because of people around you, join it if that’s what you really wanted. I’ll always support whatever decision you make, okay?”

Jimin didn’t answer it but when Minjeong looked onto her face, she can see Jimin visibly brightened up and actually smiling. And she never wanted that smile to lose it shine ever. Afterwards, they could not meet face to face since both were busy with their studies but Minjeong did know that Jimin eventually took part in the election. And she won, elected to be their new vice president for the student council.

It becomes harder and harder for them to meet even though they were in the same school. Jimin was very busy with her studies and her duty as student council. She’s a vice president but Minjeong thought it seems like the student body actually depended on Jimin too much since she had so much influence on the students. Like she said before, the students were all over Jimin. She hardly ever saw Jimin being alone. Jimin was always too busy, especially when it’s days before their school carnival. Together with the other student council members, they’d stay in academic block until late at night for the discussion and preparation. Once, Minjeong bought some food and drinks for them. It’s actually for Jimin, but she was too shy to say that, so she bought food for all of them using her already depleted pocket money. She never knows if Jimin actually get the foods she bought since she gave it to another member of student council to pass it on.

Weeks after, when she finally saw Jimin was alone studying in library, she approached and sat in front of Jimin. They studied together, Jimin actually ended up tutoring her since Minjeong was so bad with one of her subjects. After a while, they took a break. Minjeong took the chance to look at Jimin’s face properly. She looked pretty as usual. Calm and collected. Jimin looked up and smiled.

“It’s hard to be with you nowadays,” Minjeong said.

Jimin smiled and sheepishly said, “sorry. I’m too busy, right?”

“Hmm.. I miss you.” Minjeong said mindlessly.

Jimin chuckled, “okay, then. I promise, when I’m done with all of these student council duty, when the new student council elected, we’ll spend time together, okay? I know it still long but you can wait right?”

“That’s a long wait, but okay. You promise?”

“I promise.”

Minjeong actually waited. But, sometimes it felt like too much when Jimin couldn’t even reply to her messages. So, she sulked. Though Jimin didn’t even know that she sulked lmao. Whenever they actually run into each other in school, Minjeong would ignore Jimin’s smiley face and looked straight ahead. She could actually see Jimin’s face changes into a confused one whenever it happened. It was a one-sided fight all the way.

When they were in their final year, Minjeong suddenly fell sick. She had trouble breathing and her legs would turn into jelly. Her classmates often needed to pick her up and helped her to walk because she couldn’t walk steadily on her own. After a few days, the news that she’s sick eventually reached Jimin. That night, her roommates were persuading her to eat since she didn’t have that much appetite. Jimin somehow came and sat beside her.

“Why aren’t you eating?”

“I don’t have any appetite..”

“You need to eat.. Do you want me to feed you?”

“N-No! I can eat it on my own.. Give it to me!”

Minjeong was shy since Jimin babying her in front of her roommates. Her roommates kept on teasing her for that.

A day after, her parents actually came to bring her home since her condition worsen. She didn’t tell anyone except for her classmates which also her roommates. Jimin was really upset when she knew it.

“Hello..”

“Minjeong..”

“Jimin? what is it?”

“You didn’t tell me you went home..”

“Ahh, that.. sorry, it was so sudden so I forgot to tell you. And you’re busy, so I don’t want to bother you.”

“Hmm.. I only know about it when I went to find you in your room but your roommate said you went home.. so how are you? Are you okay now?”

“Not that good yet, but I’m better now. I’m sorry again.”

“It’s okay, if you’re getting better then that’s good enough for me.”

The next time they talked was when Minjeong already came back to school. She was walking alone going to her morning classes in the midst of other students when Jimin suddenly texted her.

-Where you at?- Jimin

-Walking to class, I can actually see you- Minjeong

-Huh.. where are you?- Jimin

-Behind you- Minjeong

Jimin didn’t reply anymore after that. But she met with the real Jimin now. Jimin waited for her.

“Are you okay now?”

“Better.”

“Why are you walking alone?”

“Uhh.. I usually walked alone to class. My friends tend to be late, and I’m a nerd who hates being late,” said Minjeong sheepishly. She could feel Jimin gaze on her. She sigh and said, “it’s okay, Jimin. I’m used to be alone alright?”

Jimin then said, “ Well, don’t be alone from now on. You got me now, okay?”

Minjeong couldn’t contain her happiness and grinned, “ okay.”

But, days after that were even worse. They couldn’t meet each other at all. Jimin didn’t even goes to the club meet up because of her student council duty. She was always so busy. She didn’t pick up the call or reply Minjeong’s messages at all. Minjeong was angry. Sometimes she regretted she gave Jimin that talk since her best friend couldn’t spare any time at all for her now. She kept mum about it though. But everyone who actually knew her would know she was in a miserable state. Every time she saw Jimin walking nearby, she’d watch her until she disappeared from her vision. She never knew that she looked at Jimin with a different kind of gaze until one of her classmate talked to her about it one day.

“Hey, Minjeong.”

“Huhh..?” Minjeong was distracted since she was staring at Jimin from afar.

“You’re staring at Jimin, right?”

“Uhh.. yes?”

“I knew it.”

“What the..why so sudden with that question?”

“No, do you know that you had a different kind of gaze when you’re looking at her? It’s not like that at all when you’re looking at others.”

“What? No, I don’t. It’s just the same?”

“Hahh no! It’s different. I know what I saw. Your gaze, they tend to be softer and nowadays.. kind of sad I guess?”

“I..I don’t know that.”

Minjeong awkwardly tried to change the topic after that. She gave it a thought and realized that she indeed looked at Jimin differently from others. It’s all because with others, she always needed to put up a strong front and trying to adapt with their some kind of rough words. With Jimin, she never had to do that. Jimin was always soft with her, always babying her. Sometimes she thought Jimin actually talked to her like she’s a kid even though they were of the same age. Whenever she’s with Jimin, all of her wall she work hard to build falls down just like that. She thought she could never really be angry with Jimin. She got upset whenever Jimin ignored her, but not to the point she’d hates her.

Months after that, they had a talk in the library. Jimin was alone. Minjeong went to her in hopes to spend some time with her best friend though only by studying together. She just opened her books to start doing her assignments when she realized Jimin was weirdly quiet. When she looked up, she could see Jimin looked restless. She looked uncomfortable even. She didn’t want to probe so she kept quiet and did her assignment. However, she heard her clearing . Minjeong turned her gaze towards Jimin.

“I..I wanted to talk about something.”

“Hmm..? What is it?”

“Do you remember that promise we made before?”

“That I’ll wait for you?”

“Yes..”

“Of course, I am. I’m still waiting. It’s not that long now for you to be done with it, right? After that, we can spend some time together. Maybe go out to eat together.” Minjeong was happy just by thinking things they could do by spending more time together.

“Minjeong..”

“Yes?”

“I think you need to forget we made that promise. I-I don’t think I can keep that promise.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. I’m really sorry.”

“Well, that’s.. alright I guess.” Minjeong could feel her tears were coming out. So, she took her stuff and forced a smile to Jimin.

“I need to be somewhere else. See you later.”

Jimin looked at her with her usual concerned gaze. But, Minjeong could not take it. Usually she would be searching for it to calm her whenever she’s troubled, but not today. Not when it was the one who made her upset. So, she turned her back and walked away. As soon as she turned her back from Jimin, her tears just came out uncontrollably.

She was so devastated. It felt like Jimin was being unfair to her. She made her wait for a long time just to break the promise. She didn’t have any appetite and it’s hard to focus. Her classmates tried their best to make her feel better but she was inconsolable. She did tries to show a happy face and cracking jokes here and there, but she knew no one believed it anyway.

It was their final year anyways, so Minjeong tried so hard to change her focus into studying. Asking some of her friends to tutor her for some subjects. And, she heard Jimin offering herself to tutor other students who had the worst results from before. She bitterly smiles to herself. She couldn’t even spare some of her time for me but had time to tutor some other kids. Maybe, she’s just bitter with everything. Jimin was doing some good things. What did they call it? For the greater good or something? She didn’t want to know it all. The only thing she knows was that she’s miserable. The results for final year came out and she flopped on two of her subjects. She’s sad but it was expected since she was so distracted before. Jimin? She’s the best student after all. Even after everything that happened, Minjeong was proud of her.

 

Present

Silence fills in the room. Minjeong was staring out of the window, reminiscing her pasts.

“What happened after that?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you ever meet with her again after high school?”

“Never, not once. We live in a different state. It’s hard to meet each other. And then, we got into college and everyone’s get even busier. I miss her though. Never forget her even for a single day. I wish things were better. I wish she had told me reasons why she couldn’t keep her promise. But, Jimin.. I think she never liked confrontation. She hated fighting. So, she never speaks about that ever again. Even when we run into each other, she’d act like nothing ever happened and talk to me normally. Like an acquantaince. You know what doc?”

“What is it?”

“If I recalled, I think we might’ve never been best friend at all. Yes, she was mine, and still is. But, I think I never was her best friend. She had a lot of friends..”

“You don’t know that.”

“Well, we would never know the truth anyways. You do know that I’m quite dumb, right? So, whenever I miss her too much, I’d tried to call her.”

“Did she pick it up?”

“She never did. I texted her too. In my ten tries, she’d replied to one of them. And, then she’d goes missing again. That continues until last year.”

“What happened then?”

“Nothing happened. She continued to ignore me. Never replied at all. It had been years. I got tired. So, I gave up. Not that I wanted to, but at this point? I think I know where I stand in her life. I knew it since a long time ago, but I keep on being denial.”

“Do you know what she’s doing now?”

“How could I know? I don’t have any means to reach out to her. The last thing I know of her was years ago when she’s still studying overseas.  After that, I don’t know anymore.”

“And, after whatever happened, you still miss her?”

“As foolish as it sounds, I still miss her. Every day. She’d appear in my dreams every now and then. She’ll forever be my soft spot. No matter what she did, I just couldn’t hate her. Maybe it’s my fault too. I was being unreasonable back then, getting upset whenever she couldn’t reply to my messages. She might have felt too suffocated with me.”

“Let’s try calling her. Do you still have her number?”

“I..I don’t know.. I don’t think she’ll pick up. It’s her overseas number. I don’t know if she’s still using that number.”

“Let’s try.” Joohyun dialled the number. It’s ringing for a while but no one pick it up. Minjeong chuckled again. “I’ve told you, she won’t pick up. Typical Jimin, always too busy.”

“Do you want me to find her for you?”

Minjeong laughs weakly. “No need. You’re already busy with your work. There’s no need to add to that burden. Thanks though, for listening to me.”

“Anytime Minjeong-ah. Just ask me if you need anything, okay?”

“Alright, got it.”

 

***

 

Even the sadness of those days, even the pain of those days

I loved every bit of it, with you by my side

In my heart, never coming out, is the bitter smell of lemon

I can't go home until the rain lets up

And even now, you're my light

 

Joohyun worried sick since Minjeong’s condition doesn’t show any improvement. Instead, she’s regressing. These past few weeks, Minjeong visibly looked weaker and frail. She didn’t even get out of her room to take her usual walk into the hospital’s garden. Her heart breaks whenever she thinks about Minjeong. Her life is just too tragic. She lost her best friend. Few years after, she lost her parents and sister in an accident. And now, the cancer is eating her from inside.

The fact is, Joohyun knows Minjeong doesn’t have much time anymore. Whatever they are doing now just to prolong her life for a little while. She knows she’s actually selfish. She’s doing it more for herself than for Minjeong’s sake. Joohyun doesn’t know what she would do if Minjeong is gone. She had considered Minjeong as a family. It’s not what a doctor should do, but she couldn’t resist it. Her patient just looked so vulnerable that all she wanted to do is to protect her from anything. But, she couldn’t even cure her sickness.

Sigh.

She sipped on her coffee. Trying to get some warmth in the cold hospital. It’s already 2 am. She’s on duty for tonight. Just when she opened to eat her extra late dinner, her pager beep and there’s an emergency announcement, “Bae Joohyun, code blue, room 205. Bae Joohyun, code blue.”

She runs with all her might and sees a resident is doing a cpr on her favorite patient. They exchanged place after few minutes. The resident was losing energy. Somehow, they managed to bring her back but for how long? Joohyun huffed and trying take a deep breath after the tiring procedure. They had to put