Mon sat all alone in her apartment, staring at the wall in front of her, her coffee left cold on the table. She scrunched her face in concentration, thinking too hard about something as she kept her tears at bay. When did Sam started slipping away? When did Sam let go of her hand in the first place? When did loneliness took Sam’s spot beside her? When did she became so detached? Where did they go wrong? When did the path started getting blurry for Sam? Wasn't it supposed to be them until the end?
She wondered what happened. She wondered where it’s going. Where her relationship was going. Cause she didn’t know.
She wondered where it started going down. She wondered where it went wrong.
She didn’t know anymore.
Mon continued talking about her day as she moved around the room, putting her things on their proper place with Sam sitting inside the kitchen, glued to her phone. Her job for today was a bit hectic with most of the people going around looking for necessities needed for the pandemic and the upcoming quarantine and with the sudden surprise of people inside the convenience store, Mon was a bit worried earlier that she wouldn’t be able to reach Sam’s favorite restaurant in time. Good thing the owner knew her and stayed open for another extra hour just for his favorite customers. Mon hung her coat on the coat rack, putting her bag on the couch as she rounded the furniture to finally rest her dying feet. She turned and peeped her head from the couch to look at Sam, seeing her girlfriend still staring at her phone, a faint ghost of a smile adorning her face.
Seeing Sam smiling pushed Mon’s tiredness away, making her stand up and trudge towards the older woman.
Once she was beside the older, Mon cupped Sam’s fluffy cheeks and gently turned her towards her, a loving smile on her face. Sam looked up from her phone and raised her eyebrows as if asking Mon what was up. Though a bit discouraged, Mon only passed it off as Sam being tired as well. She leaned in and pressed her lips on Sam’s forehead, closing her eyes as she savored this sweet moment between them. She was waiting for Sam to put her arms around her waist and hug her, something she had always been doing ever since they became a couple. Sam always loved hugging the younger woman, her excuse being her wanting to be always near Mon.
“Have you heard what I told you?” Mon asked the older as she leaned away from the kiss. Sam gazed up to her guiltily and shook her head. Mon ignored the pang in her heart and covered it with a bright smile, ruffling Sam’s hair in the same rhythm with her aching heart. “It’s okay. You’re probably tired from work like me, huh? Come here.”
Sam could only nod as she kept shut, not able to say the reason why she wasn’t even paying attention to her girlfriend. She watched as Mon left her side, and Sam frowned when she couldn’t feel the irritation that she feels before whenever Mon leaves her side. Mon left Sam’s side and leaned over the couch, grabbing Sam’s food that she bought from their favorite restaurant, an excited look on her face. She turned around in a jump and waved Sam’s ice cream, catching Sam’s attention. “I bought your favorite ice cream!”
Sam flitted her eyes towards the food in hand, and then went back on her phone. “Thanks Mon Mon. I’ll eat it later.”
The pain in Mon’s heart started growing more at that point, and it was sad that the younger didn’t know that it wouldn’t leave starting from there.
Silence filled the once lively apartment as Mon kept herself seated on the couch, watching the running TV as it played some random K-Drama that she didn't know. Sam was inside their room, probably on her phone again and Mon really wanted to go and be with her but she couldn’t. Not with this kind of thoughts running in her mind.
She shook her head as she tried to pry away her attention from the growing itch in her heart, and followed her mind that yelled for her to go in her room and be with Sam.
The room was also quiet when she stepped inside, and she saw Sam lying on the bed, hiding under the bed, the light from her phone peeking through the blankets. She wordlessly went and lied on the bed as well.
For a while, it stayed like that. Just them lying beside each other yet treating like the other didn’t exist.
Mon felt like everything changed.
“Cham Cham.” Mon desperately wanted to talk about what happened about last week, she wanted to tell the older woman that her reaction bothered her – scared her even. But she was scared that it might ignite a fight.
Mon didn’t want fights. It reminded her of her parents.
Sam turned around and faced her, not letting go of her phone. She raised her eyebrows again, and it irritated Mon when she was reminded of the same face from last week but she froze when she remembered another circumstance where Sam made the same exact face.
And it scared her less.
It reminded her of the times when Sam was still not into her.
Back when Sam was not interested in her.
When…Sam wasn’t in love with her.
She turned away and blinked her eyes in a rapid pace, trying to blink away the upcoming tears.
When she was composed enough, she turned hesitantly, meeting Sam’s back, the girl already back on her phone.
“Hey honey,” The said woman didn’t even turn, keeping her eyes on her phone. She hummed instead, not seeing Mon’s faltering smile. “c-can you hug me?”
Without any questions asked, the older woman turned and scooted closer towards her Mon Mon, slipping her right arm between Mon’s arm and torso, resting her cheek on Mon’s as she let Mon hug her back. They stayed like that for some minutes, but Mon wondered why she felt so cold the whole time.
It was like she wasn’t hugging anyone at all.
It was like it wasn’t real, like they weren’t real anymore.
After feeling that it was enough, that the hug she gave the the younger was enough, Sam pulled away and turned away from Mon, as if nothing happened.
Mon stared at Sam’s back since then, her hand hanging in the air as she stopped herself from bothering the older woman.
For the first time in their relationship, Mon felt like she was bothering Sam.
Like Sam didn’t even like giving her the hug. Like she only felt obligated to hug her just because she asked.
Not because she liked giving her one.
And Sam loved hugging Mon.
“I want to dance with you!” Mon yelled as she threw her phone on the couch as their favorite slow song started playing, and ran towards Sam who was in the kitchen, scrolling through her phone, just like what she always do whenever Mon comes home from work.
The quarantine had started and they were now cooped up inside their apartment, fridge filled up with foods they can cook (though they mi