My heart was pounding from anxiety and dread, and my hand became clammy against my bouncing knee. I began to pace back and forth, impatiently stomping my feet at each end of my office. 

“Can you stop? Nahihilo na ako sa’yo,” saway ni Ate Taeyeon na ngayon ay nakaupo sa sofa. Mas nauna siya dito to see if I’m okay, which I’m not. Akala ko hindi na ako kakabahan pero iba na ang usapan kapag narealize mo na you have to do this. 

“Can you blame me? I have never seen Dad for how many years,” sagot ko naman. Actually, that’s the main reason kung bakit ako kinakabahan— Dad agreed na sumama sa family dinner namin tonight. Hindi ko tuloy alam ang iaakto ko.

“He’s tame na. I promise you so sit down because you’re making me dizzy.”

I heaved a long sigh before umupo sa tabi ng kapatid ko. I feel nauseous knowing they’re ten minutes away from the restaurant. Every second that passes, I can feel my throat tighten. How do you greet your father, who abandoned you as a child and has no idea how to survive in this harsh world?

If it weren’t for Ning and Jaemin, sa kangkungan ako pupulutin.

“Hey, Dad. Long time no see. Kilala mo pa ba ako?”

“Hey, Dad. Buti naalala mong may pangatlong anak ka? Nice to see you again.”

“Hey, Dad. Nakaya ko ng wala ka. Feeling ko mas matapang na ako sa mga sundalo.”

I sighed for the nth time as Ate Taeyeon looked at me worriedly. “You look like you’re gonna pass out. Gusto mo bang umuwi—”

“No,” I cut her off. “K–kaya ko. I’m just nervous, that’s all.”

“You sure?” 

“Hmm…” I my lips to moisten my parched lips. “Buti hindi mo sinama si Kat? Nasaan yung bata?”

Ate Taeyeon shrugged dismissively. “We’re still not ready to tell them about Summer. Saka na siguro kapag kinasal na kami ni Baekhyun.”

“May plano kayong ikasal?” I asked in bewilderment. Tumango naman si Ate and cracked a small smile.

“Gusto naming lumaki si Summer na may buong pamilya. Siguro before she turns five…”

“Sure ka na doon sa lalakeng ‘yon? Mamaya saktan ka na naman,” inis kong tanong kaya natawa ng bahagya si Ate at hinampas ako sa balikat.

“He realized kung ano yung mawawala sakanya when we broke up. Try niya lang akong saktan, sisirain ko mukha niya. Dating sundalo kaya ‘tong Ate mo,” she answered cockily then nudged me on my shoulder. Napangiti ako habang umiiling.

“So, are you gonna tell us later who’s the person that is making you happy right now?” tanong ni Ate, wiggling her eyebrows. Bigla na naman akong kinabahan. Ate Taeyeon likes Karina dahil close sila ng anak niya but will she feel the same kapag nalaman niyang Karina and I are dating? The last thing I want would be Ate forbidding Karina to see my niece.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. “Although wala siya tonight. May mga ginagawa pa kasi siya.”

Lies. Sa sobrang kalasingan ni Karina kaninang madaling araw, nakitulog na siya sa bahay ni Yeji. Pansin ko lang na every time na umiinom silang tatlo sa labas, parehas sila ni Lia na doon natutulog sa bahay ni Yeji. Buti nalang kinakaya ni Yeji yung dalawa and besides, thankful and at the same time I’m at ease knowing na safe si Karina every time.

Tawang-tawa pa nga ako sa mga drunk messages niya sa akin kanina. Kilig lang ako knowing na kahit lasing siya, ako pa rin naiisip niya.

[1:08 AM] Kal ❤️: Baby ko, I’m tipsy na but behave ako! I love you!

[1:58 AM] Kal ❤️: Kaliiiii I miss you come here I want kisses. 

[2:30 AM] Kal ❤️: Bruh I’m drunk af. I’m 19 tequilas down but you’re the only onw I think about :( 

[3:09 AM] Kal ❤️: i cant read na baby but pls know that im sleeping at yejis

[4:47 AM] Kal ❤️: yeji na ako babe goodnight. I love you baby ko

“Win? Win!”

I came out of my trance, blinked a few times, and looked at Ate, who was staring at me with furrowed brows.

“Ha?”

“Ngumingiti ka dyan mag-isa. Okay ka lang?”

I cleared my throat again, trying to hide my smile. I just know that no matter what happens at this dinner, kay Karina parin ako uuwi.

“Yeah, I’m okay na.”

It feels so surreal sitting at the same table with my whole family again. Hindi ko na nga halos nakilala ang mga magulang ko. Evident na ang katandaan sa mukha nilang dalawa, especially kay Daddy. He’s thinner than the last time I saw him— which was years ago. He’s already on a wheel chair pero ramdam na ramdam ko pa rin yung authority niya. Iba pa rin ang aura niya. He’s still intimidating. Takot pa din ako sakanya. Their white hairs and wrinkles on their hands are also visible, which is ironic because when I left the house, they looked like they could pass for someone in their 40s, but aging has taken its toll on them.

“Kamusta ka, anak?” tanong ni Mommy habang hinihintay namin ang mga pagkain. Dad’s sitting at the end of table habang nasa kaliwa niya si Mommy at nasa kanan niya naman si Kuya.

“Okay lang po,” simpleng sagot ko. Katabi ko si Kuya habang katapat ko naman si Ate Taeyeon sa lamesa.

“Buti nakapunta ka for my birthday. We were surprised when your Ate told us na inaaya mo kami sa restaurant mo,” Mom added while smiling. I missed that smile. 

I cleared my throat. Other than my intention na ipakilala si Karina, gusto ko rin namang makita ulit si Mommy dahil gaya nga ng sabi ng mga kapatid ko, hindi na sila bumabata. Besides, feeling ko naman kaya ko na silang harapin. May ipagmamalaki na ako sakanila.

“Your restaurant looks good,” biglang nagsalita si Daddy kaya lahat kami ay napatingin sakanya. He’s roaming his eyes sa interior ng restaurant. “It’s quite big pala. I thought maliit lang siya.”

Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko kaya naman I glanced at my brother, who was smiling at my father dahil sa compliment na sinabi ng tatay namin. 

Well, that’s a first. Dad, complimenting me?

“Winter’s hands-on sa restaurant. It’s one of the best restaurant na napuntahan ko, Dad,” saad ni Kuya Top. Nahihiya naman akong tumingin sa tatay ko and saw him took a glimpse of me for a second before nodding.

Ang awkward lang.

“Dito mo ba inubos lahat ng binigay sa’yo ng palihim ng Mommy at mga kapatid mo?” he asked with no emotion kaya it’s hard to gauge his emotion. Hindi ko alam if he’s being sarcastic or totoong curious lang siya. And how did he know they were giving me money?

“Pa…” Ate Taeyeon muttered. Dad looked at her and chuckled.

“What? Akala niyo ba hindi ko alam? I’m just genuinely curious,” he replied then turned to face me. “So? Dito ba naubos lahat?”

I bit my inner cheeks before answering, “Not at all. I saved up for this, Sir.”

“At sa amin galing ang pera, hindi b—”

“Dad!” Kuya hissed then he took a deep breath. “Please, ngayon nalang tayo nabuo, mag-aaway pa kayo.”

Dad looked at him incredulously, “What? Sinong nag-aaway? We’re not fighting, right Winter?”

My name sounds foreign coming from his mouth.

Hindi na ako nagsalita saka umiwas ng tingin. Wala pang limang minuto kaming nakaupo sa iisang lamesa, gusto ko na agad umalis pero kailangan kong isipin yung totoong intensyon ko kung bakit ako nandito.

Ate Taeyeon cleared , trying to break the awkward atmosphere, “Oh, look, the food’s here!”

We spent the entire dinner nang pinapakinggan lang and conversation ni Dad at nang favorite na anak niya na si Kuya. Dad was even disappointed kay Ate Taeyeon dahil umalis na siya sa pagsusundalo. Hindi naman kasi nila alam yung totoong dahilan. Ang alam nila, umayaw lang talaga si Ate to build a business pero hindi nila alam na dahil gusto niyang makasama na si Kat. Hinayaan nalang siya ni Ate at nagpatuloy sa pagkain habang ako ay parang hirap na hirap nang lumunok dahil sa naririnig ko.

Hindi pa rin talaga siya nagbabago. All he cares about is his family reputation. Gusto ko nalang umuwi at hintayin si Karina na makauwi. Nagsabi kasi ako sakanya na kikitain ko na ang parents ko tonight kaya okay lang kahit hindi muna siya umuwi from Yeji’s house. She was worried but I reassured her naman na makakayanan ko. She have no idea na sasabihin ko na sakanila na we’re in a relationship. Ayoko rin kasing mapressure siya. 

“What about you, Winter?” Mom asked kaya naman I pulled out from my reverie. Napatingin sila sa akin, waiting for my answer. Teka, ano ba yung tanong?

“Po?”

“Your mother asks what you are up to these days,” pag-uulit ni Dad. 

Napatingin ako kay Ate Taeyeon. She lifts her eyebrow knowingly na parang tinatanong kung sasabihin ko ba kung sino yung mysterious person na dinadate ko ngayon. I smiled at her para ipaalam na I’ll be fine.
“Well…” Huminga ako ng malalim and put a smile on my face. “I’m really happy right now. The restaurant’s doing good. I have people who I can call my family and I’m dating someone right now. We’re living together actually.”

Sumimangot agad si Kuya Top, Ate looked at me worriedly at parang shocked sa bagong information na nalaman niya. I think nagkakaidea na siya. Mom was shocked and as usual, Dad was… nonchalant.

“I thought you broke up with that singer?” Kuya asked. 

“It’s not Jaemin, Kuya.”

“Right…” he muttered at parang nag-isip pa. “And besides, you live in that Director’s house as a bed spacer dib—” He stopped as realization dawned on him. He looked at me with widened eyes.

“Wait, wait wait…” Dad interrupted and then looked at me. “What? You’re bed spacing? You have your own restaurant tapos nakikitira ka lang sa ibang tao? Don’t you have any money to buy a proper house or even a condominium?” He asked with frustration in his voice. Hindi ko napigilan matawa ng bahagya and looked at him na parang hindi niya alam ang sinasabi niya.

“Kailan ka nagkaroon ng pake sa akin… Sir?”

That caught him off-guard. There was an absolute silence sa table namin right after I said it. He looked like he wanted to say something because he opened his mouth but then decided to close it again.

“That’s enough, Winter,” Mom was the one who broke the silence. “Why don’t you tell us about this person you’re dating? You said na you’re living together and you’re Kuya said na you’re living with a Director. How about Ning, your best friend?”

I smiled warmly at her. She looked like she was genuinely curious about the person I’m dating and that gave me a little confidence kahit na ayaw ko nang tignan yung dalawa kong kapatid. Alam kong may idea na sila at hinihintay nalang nila akong umamin.

“Apat po kami sa bahay— it’s a townhouse. We have our own separate rooms po kaya hindi naman kami nagsisiksikan. It’s quite big pa nga po for me. The one that I’m dating po is…” I cleared my throat and glanced at two siblings before looking back to my Mom. 

“The owner of the house po. It’s Karina Yu. She’s the famous director.”

Parang hindi na makapaniwala yung mga kasama ko sa lamesa sa mga naririnig nila kaya huminga ako ng malalim at nagpatuloy.

“We’ve been dating for three months and her family knows about us. Actually, they’re inviting you to our Christmas party tomor—”

“You’re dating a girl?” After ilang minuto ng hindi pagsasalita, nagtanong na ulit ang tatay ko na para bang ngayon lang nag sink in sakanya lahat ng sinabi ko.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. Hindi dapat ako magpakita na kinakabahan pero iba na talaga kapag kaharap mo yung gma taong hindi mo nakita ng ilang taon. 

“Yes, Sir. Do you have any problem with that?” I asked then looked at them one by one. Napainom si Kuya ng wine habang yung tatlo ay hindi man lang gumalaw sa kinauupuan nila.

I sighed, I knew na ganito yung magiging reaction nila. “Look, guys, I didn’t ask you to come here para hingin yung permission niyo to date the woman I love. I just wanted to let you know because I want her to know that I can tell the world I love her even to people I don't want to see anymore—people I don't want to connect with again.” I looked at Dad specifically. 

“To be honest, hindi ko naman na kailangan ipaalam sainyo eh pero look, I’m here sitting with you guys so if you’re gonna tell me na ayaw niyo and you don’t approved, that wouldn’t change a single thing. I’m still gonna choose her over you—”

“Winter.” Daddy's tone was thick and heavy when he called my name. The way he used to call me at home, the way he scolded me every time I insisted that I didn't want to join the army– that was the tone of his voice.

We both looked at each other, and I didn't bat an eye dahil gusto kong makita niya na may paninindigan ako. Na matapang na ako harapin siya.

“Winter, anak…” His tone shifted 180 degrees from before. He became soft-spoken as if he was tired from all of this but it wasn’t the reason why I was caught off-guard. It was when he called me “anak.”

Nakakainis. Ang hina hina ko pa rin pala. I pretended to be tough the entire time but a simple word would make me want to cry. That was the first time I'd heard it from him. There's something in his voice that makes me think he's still yearning for me after all these years. That he is sorry and regrets everything he has done or maybe I’m just delusional.

“Unlike you, I came here to make amends for everything that I have done to you. You were just a kid, God…” he exhaled sharply after I heard his voice crack. There’s something inside me na kumikirot ulit. Yung akala kong sugat na wala na, na naghilom na turns out, natabunan lang pala. 

“Come home, Winter. We’ll support you– I’ll support you sa relationship mo with that director. We’ll accept her sa family natin but please come home. Umuwi ka na anak…”

I immediately shook my head. “Ayoko nang bumalik sa pamamahay na ‘yon. Pinaalis mo na ako at ipinangako ko sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi na ako babalik pa sa impyerno na ya–”

“I’m dying, Winter. Decompensated cirrhosis. I only have two years, Winter and I need you to go home. Gusto kong mabuo na ulit tayo. Please, anak… umuwi ka na.”

After hearing his revelation, I froze for a moment. It turns out that it wasn't just me who had something to reveal. I blinked quickly, trying to take in what I had just heard. My mouth opened and I shook my head, chuckling dryly as I look at them incredulously.

“Is this some kind of twisted joke? Are you really going that far para lang pauwiin ako? Dad naman—”

“He’s telling the truth, Winter,” Mom interrupted with tears threatening to fall from her eyes. 

“I…” I let out a shaky breath. My head was spinning and I suddenly felt the need to vomit. I cannot even breathe. “I– No, you cannot just go here and tell me na you’re dying. Y-you’re so unfair! Kahit kailan madaya ka!” 

I got up from my seat and left the restaurant even though they were calling my name. I needed to go outside. I needed to get away from them. The tears I'd been holding back immediately started to flow as soon as I got into my car. I punched the steering wheel as I sobbed uncontrollably. Why is he so unfair? This was not something I expected to happen. I expected them na sigawan ako sa harap ng maraming tao pero telling me that my father’s dying isn’t in the list. It’s absurd.

Agad kong kinuha ang phone ko sa bulsa ng pantalon ko and texted the person I want to be with right now.

[8:09 PM] You: where are you?

Instead of replying, she called me right away kaya naman I answered the call immediately. 

“Are you okay?”

It was the first thing she asked when I picked up the phone kaya I bit my lower lip, trying to suppress a sob from my mouth. Instead, I cleared my throat para hindi halata na umiiyak ako. I don’t want her to worry.

“Where are you, Kal? Are you still in Yeji’s?” I asked softly.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I–I’m… I’m okay.”

“You’re definitely not. Where are you?”

“Ako na pupunta. Nasaan ka ba?”

I heard her sigh from the other line before answering.

“I’m still with Lia and Yeji. Ryujin is here din. Kararating lang niya kanina. I’ll tell them na I need to go home. We’ll talk sa bahay, okay?”

“Okay…”

“Winter…”

“Hmm?”

There was silence for a few seconds kaya naisip ko na baka binaba niya na but when I checked my phone, nasa linya pa rin naman siya.

“Winter…”

“Po?”

“I love you. You know it’s okay to tell me if you’re not okay, diba? I’m here for you.”

I in my breath and held