homouality feels like wearing wet socks. in theory, there’s really nothing quite wrong with it. but it’s uncomfortable, like wearing something a little too thick on a hot summer day. it’s difficult in all the ways self discovery usually is, where you’re not sure who you are or if you’re just a product of everything that surrounds you, which might be scariest of all. when i erase all outside influence, and all that’s left is me in a quiet blank room, would there even be anything left? is my mom right, when she says that the radical progressive society we live in now is what’s manipulated us to think that we have the power to decide who we are? maybe more importantly, who we love? sometimes, these ideas feel too big for me to think about- like i’m a superhero who’s been tasked to defeat a villain whilst world peace hangs in the balance. but in reality, i’m really just a kid. but slowly, i can feel that life slip through my fingers, and it scares the out of me. i can spend my whole life figuring out who i am but i’ll never be a kid again. i wish that i could spend the last of these days not giving a about anyone but myself, and be completely reckless because that’s what teenagers do. but i’m hiding something, and exposure in my family would mean that things would never be the same again, in the worst way possible. which is why i’m a spy, holding a secret so big it must be protected for the sake of the universe.
and at the root of all my problems, there’s minjeong. minjeong, who doesn't know how to take care of herself yet always to manages to make sure i'm treating myself right, minjeong, who has a smile worthy to rival greek gods, minjeong, who i can't really seem to understand which only leaves me wanting more.
i don't really know which way i’m going anymore. i feel like a compass that doesn't know which direction is which anymore, and is constantly spinning determined to get it right. but lily brings those feelings of childhood back to me effortlessly. to play is to enjoy life, and whenever i see her, though she is the origin of my super top secret, i can't help but feel those thoughts slowly lift off my shoulders, and lose myself in the colorful world she creates for just the two of us.
for some, highschool is the worst experience of their lives. and though i've definitely had my fair share of bad days and embarrassing moments, i’m sure that when i’m older and look back at my time in highschool, it’ll be flooded with all the time i shared with minjeong- the girl with shoulder length blonde hair, a killer smile, and the best hug giver in all of manila.