bound by fate or doomed by destiny, her memories transcend lifetimes whilst her lover’s do not.
reincarnation au.

“what can i get you?”

it’s her. 

the realisation dawns upon her almost in slow motion, her eyes widen as the world stills and joohyun draws her gaze towards everything she’s been looking for. the chattering of other patrons is drowned out as she narrows in on one person, the barista standing behind the counter, ready to take her order.

that could come later if the tightness in ceases. 

the sweet, gentle tone of her voice is a far contrast to the gruffness of her past life’s, it acts as a painful reminder to joohyun that wendy is long gone. with that, her urge to throw herself into the brunette’s arms is easily suppressed.

this barista is not wendy, even though she is a carbon copy of her. her looks never change, and neither does joohyun’s. bound by fate or doomed by destiny, her memories transcend lifetimes whilst her beloved’s do not. and with each new lifetime, joohyun swears she’ll let her go, but how could she? her love — their love, is something she’s unwilling to let time take away.

“miss?”

the same, gentle voice draws joohyun out of her turmoil. clearing , she orders the first thing that comes to mind — wendy’s favourite drink; iced americano. she murmurs her thanks, peeking at the barista’s nametag before moving along for the next person to order.

seungwan.

in this life, they are joohyun and seungwan. 

she knows it in her soul, it doesn’t matter what names they go by now, their paths are always destined to cross. and she will always remember their time together, while seungwan forgets. she’s learnt to make peace with it, after all, it’s a futile fight against the powers that be. whatever the fates are willing to give, joohyun would gladly take.

this is their seventh meeting, and joohyun can only wish that the fates are kinder this time. asking seungwan to remember her would be too much, but perhaps, allow them to spend a normal life together, a quiet life where they could grow old together for once.

yes, that sounds nice. one day at a time, she’ll seek out happiness on her own terms, she won’t let the fates get in their way this time.

getting coffee at the cafe seungwan works at turns into a regular affair, regardless if joohyun has a distaste for coffee. their love blooms once again, and it’s the sweetest it has ever been. from seungwan slipping her number on a piece of napkin to their very first date, nothing about this new meeting screams that it would end in a tragedy.

but joohyun is still afraid because she’s never known what it’s like to love seungwan without losing her.

a lingering fear sits at the back of her head, a voice that constantly mocks her for holding on a little too hard. she wishes she could be carefree, that she could love as easily as anyone else. but love is a weight joohyun has to carry, for the both of them.

seungwan, in this lifetime, is a joyous ball of sunshine. and even if joohyun tries, she wouldn't be able to stay away for long. they always seem to gravitate towards each other, no matter if seungwan remembers her or not.

a full year with seungwan passes, and joohyun gradually learns how to enjoy their time together. 

“do you believe in reincarnation?” seungwan questions her one day.

the question naturally catches joohyun off guard and it brings back memories from their past lives. every time she tries to explain things, seungwan never believes her. purely insane or overly imaginative, by the fourth life, joohyun decided to keep her memories a secret.

“what, like being reborn?” she forces an amused smile.

seungwan bobs her head, “yeah, because i've been seeing you in my dreams lately."

"this is a strange way to flirt, seungwan-ah."

a soft chuckle escapes the brunette as joohyun leans into her embrace, “yeah but hear me out?"

joohyun nods along, encouraging her to continue.

"i'm more of a heaven and hell kinda person but lately… these dreams i've been having… it feels too vivid to be a dream."

her stomach coils and clenches at the thought of seungwan finally remembering. sure it would be a dream come true, but why now?  

why, after seven lifetimes?

why, when things finally seem good?

"last night, i dreamt that we were assassins. we were partners, i was a sniper and a really good one at that. but you always had to clean up my messes, i think you hated my guts, but i was so in love with you."

joohyun's breath hitches at seungwan's words, and she can't bring herself to meet her lover's eyes. that was their previous life, when she was irene and seungwan was wendy. she never could hate her partner, in fact, she's never stopped loving her, even until now.

they made a good pair, but the fates always have other plans. given the nature of their jobs, the risks that come with tend to be fatal. a bullet meeting the space between her brows was how irene lost wendy.

"i know it sounds extreme," seungwan chuckles quietly, her laughter is a gentle melody to joohyun's ears. "but i did a little reading on the internet and theoretically, it's possible."

joohyun finds it hard to force another smile now, her fears are returning and threatening to pull her under.

how would she lose seungwan in this life?

"it's probably nothing, just thought it was a cool dream to share." seungwan mumbles upon noticing her girlfriend's silence. the air has grown much heavier and seungwan isn't quite sure what to make of it.

if only she knew her dream was joohyun's entire life, the burden she's had to carry through lifetimes. 

joohyun swallows to soothe the tightness in as she asks. "do you think there's a reason? for your dreams?"

for my memories of us.

for why i am the only one who remembers?

seungwan offers a shrug in response, "maybe it's just a glimpse into the past, a special moment in time."

"if you could remember your past life, do you think there would be a reason why?" joohyun's heart thrums loudly against her ribs, she's never gotten so far as to question her circumstances until now.

"a second chance, perhaps? to finish whatever is left undone in the past."

her chest aches at the thought — a second chance. how many chances does she need for seungwan to remember her?

"at the same time, it would be cruel, wouldn't it? to hold on so tightly to a point that you can never let go." seungwan murmurs softly.

she ignores the spark of pain in her chest and for once, allows herself to crumple before seungwan. it's strange that the root of her pain can also feel like her salvation.

that night, joohyun lets her memories from their past lives spill from her lips. from the first, all the way to their sixth.

and seungwan takes it all in without a question because she has seen fragments of them in her dreams. 

“which life was it? the one where i was a singer?”

“i… the fourth..?” joohyun furrows her brows as she tries her hardest to remember.

seungwan nods with a tender smile, “yeah, that's right."

“you remember?” a soft, almost disbelieving gasp escapes joohyun.

“it's coming back to me now, you'd always have a table in the back. and you would listen to me every night."

"i… i did?"

"yeah, then you'd send me home like the gentlewoman that you are."

"the details are foggy, but i remember you were quite the singer."

"why thank you." seungwan bows her head slightly.

a cruel twist of fate, joohyun supposes. in the one lifetime where seungwan begins to remember, her memories begin to fade.

joohyun's smile disappears quickly, "what if i forget you?"

seungwan hums softly, interlocking their hands as they walk. "then i'll remember for us both, just like you did."

"and if we never meet again?"

"i'll find you, i promise." seungwan presses a soft this to jooyun's forehead, "we still have the rest of this life to spend together and you're worried about the next?"

"i'm afraid to forget you… i've lost you so many times, but i can't lose you entirely." 

my existence is nothing without you.

“maybe this is the end of this madness you’ve had to endure. maybe, this is the one .”

“the one where i begin to forget the lives we’ve spent together?”

“yes, because this is the one that will matter the most.”

and it did.

for the first time, after many lifetimes of heartbreak, joohyun is able to love without the weight of the past weighing her down. they live a long life together, and this time, seungwan is the one who kisses her goodbye instead of the other way around.

but every ending marks the start of a new beginning. 

with that lifetime, joohyun learns to let go and seungwan is the one who holds on.

“joohyun, it’s me.”

irene doesn’t know what to do when a teary-eyed stranger embraces her in the middle of the train station.

“i think you’ve got the wrong person…” she mumbles softly as she tries to wriggle out of her grip, almost feeling bad because of how happy the woman seems.

“you… don’t remember me…” 

the soft collapse of her expression makes irene wonder if she’s more than a familiar face. but she doesn’t linger around to find out, instead, she shakes her head.

“i’m sorry.”