Shouldn't

Songs Pre: Winrina Collection

[ shouldn’t couldn’t wouldn’t acoustic version – niki ]

 

“Minjeong, can we talk?”

 

Alam na alam na niya ang mangyayari.

 

It’s already played multiple times in her mind, for she was the one who had sent this girl the text, saying that they needed to clarify things, saying that they need to put clear lines.

 

Pero kabado pa rin siya.

 

Katarina Jimin Yoo had always been unpredictable, after all.

 

Hindi niya alam kung ano ang laging tumatakbo sa isip niyo, basta alam niya ang gusto niya. Na siya lang. Na dapat si Minjeong lang ang nasa puso ng babaeng ito, dahil kung hindi… ano pa ang rason kung bakit siya nananatili sa tabi nito? Bakit pa siya naglalaan ng oras?

 

Minjeong knows full well that they’ve already crossed the line of friendship so long ago.

 

“Sure. Kaya nga kita tinext.” Minjeong says, unintentionally putting venom all over those words, but Katarina does not wince, not even once, and Minjeong takes note of that – takes note of all the things that Katarina is showing her right now.

 

Her every move. Every emotion written upon her face, like Katarina is a specimen that she needs to study intently, like an enemy she needs to know things about, because if she didn’t study her… she fears that she would lose.

 

“You know my situation, Minjeong.” She utters, and it’s finally starting.

 

Minjeong won’t let her fears win so easily.

 

“And yet you also know mine. And alam mong ayoko ng hindi tayo klaro, Karina –“

 

“Edi sana, humanap ka ng iba. Not me. Because you know I don’t do relationships, I don’t do commitments.” She says, explaining it like it’s nothing, but Minjeong is unfazed – she won’t break.

 

Not yet.

 

“Pero ikaw ang gusto ko. And if you want, kahit hindi na ikaw yung tumalon. Kahit ako nalang yung tumalon – “

 

“That would be very unfair to you.” She says, leaning forward, like they’re only discussing some assignments in this café that Minjeong had personally chosen because of its privateness, and not discussing a future step in this little hazy and unclear relationship of theirs.

 

“Bahala na kung unfair. Unfair na din naman since the start, di ba? Kasi parang tinatago mo ako.” Minjeong says, her words cutting like a knife, but even if it hurts Katarina does not show it – her expression remains unchanged, like she’s put on a mask that will not break, no matter what Minjeong tell her at this moment.

 

It’s a race for the one to break another’s mask and for one to make the other yield, after all.

 

“Minjeong, hindi ganun kadali – “

 

“I know. I ing know that. And yet naging sunod sunuran ako sa’yo, and the hold you have on me, it ing makes me happy and makes me sad and angry at times kasi para kang bisyo na hindi ko maitigil, na gusto kong itigil pero hindi ko magawa.” She said, running out of breath, but Katarina does not interrupt her.

 

“Ginusto ko nang lumayo, Karina. Kaso pinaparating mo na may chance. Pinaparating mo na parang meron pa. Na pwede pa ako lumaban – “

 

“I didn’t even tell you those things – “

 

“And yet that was what I felt with your actions. That was what I felt being with you. That made me take the jump, and please…” Minjeong practically begged, but Katarina did not look at her after saying that.

 

“Pero it’s not enough, noh? Me fighting for us is not enough.” Minjeong says after a long silence, and Katarina looks at her, those eyes telling her absolutely nothing, na kahit ilang minuto niyang titigan iyon ay wala itong ibinibigay na sagot.

 

Not even fear.

 

Not even pain.

 

Not even longing.

 

Kahit katiting, wala.

 

“Minjeong, natatakot ako.” Katarina says, speaking up after a long while, and Minjeong just stares at her.

 

“Natatakot ako, na baka masaktan kita – “

 

“Then ing hurt me! Stop thinking about what would happen, think about now! Bigyan mo ako ng sagot, Karina.” Minjeong says, gritting her teeth as her anger already drove her to stand up, bringing her hands down upon the table.

 

“ing hurt me. ing stab me. Kung ang kapalit lang ng pagmamahal mo eh yung pain, edi saktan mo na ako, kasi tangina, nasasaktan na din naman ako sa pagpapakatanga ko sa’yo.”

 

Natahimik silang dalawa at naupo na si Minjeong ulit dahil ramdam na niya ang tingin ng mga tao sa kanila even though they couldn’t hear their conversation through the almost soundproof room na nirent ni Minjeong for this conversation, and yet Katarina just stares blankly at her, as if taken aback by her actions.

 

Gusto kong sumigaw.

 

Nakakafrustrate ka.

 

Bakit ba ganito?

 

Bakit ba nafall pa ako sa’yo?

 

“Tatanungin uli kita.” Minjeong says, blinking through the tears and trying to block out the ringing that appeared in her ears, like it’s a signal for her to stop, a signal that she should take heed of, a signal that warns her to get out of that situation habang may oras pa.

 

“What are we, Karina?”

 

“W-Wala.”

 

There.

 

Done.

 

The ringing stopped, and Minjeong could only stare at her for a while, digesting that single word that shattered everything that she’s been imagining, shattering everything that is in her mind, shattering the image of her that is etched upon her thoughts, her memories, everything in between.

 

She’s so unpredictable, after all.

 

At hindi ito fairytale.

 

Akala ni Minjeong, magagawa niyang parang maging fairytale ito.

 

But no.

 

Reality and the ever so unpredictable Katarina Yoo had to rip it off of her.

 

“Edi wala na din naman patutunguhan ‘to, diba?” Minjeong says, her voice threatening to crack and her mind failing to give her words to utter, overwhelmed by the high emotions that all are crashing into her ng sabay sabay – walang tigil, walang paghinto.

 

“Yeah.” Katarina utters, like it’s nothing.

 

Like she did not mindlessly drop Minjeong’s heart, one she held for a very long time.

 

One she promised to take care of.

 

One she promised to never hurt.

 

Pero simula pa lang, nasasaktan na si Minjeong eh.

 

This is the breaking point, after all.

 

“Thank you for the memories, Katarina.” Minjeong utters, taking her leave, and she does not even look back.

 

“Thank you for absolutely nothing at all.”

 

 

You know what, I couldn’t

Enough’s enough

If I had your heart, it wouldn’t be this hard

 

 

 

One thing I know is we shouldn't.

 

 

 

[ For loves who fell apart. For loves that could not survive, for loves that already reached the breaking point. This is for you. ]

 

 

 

 

 

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jaeinmarie
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uchinagassi #1
Chapter 18: dapat pala talaga natulog na lang ako at maaga pa perf ng aespa bukas. 🥲🥲🥲🥲
ayperos_
#2
Chapter 15: nananadya ka ba, otor lods? grabe, bungad.
ayperos_
#3
Chapter 13: shuta, sana ol.
yurielle
#4
Chapter 13: cute beh
ayperos_
#5
Chapter 12: madam k lang sakalam shuta. teach me your ways, senpai.😔🤘
ayperos_
#6
Chapter 10: haha, taena. colorblind madam k.🤩
howdoyouknowmee
501 streak #7
Chapter 5: Upvoted!