Lost

Songs Pre: Winrina Collection

 

[ strange land, acoustic ver. – niki ]

 

Creepy, I know.

 

But I can’t help but stare at you whenever you fall asleep, even if it takes a while, even if I find myself only staring at you, even if you wake up and you see me staring at you like a creep – I imagine you only whining and moving to hug me closer, cuddling with me in the late of the night and early in the mornings, and I can’t help but fall in love with you more.

 

“Stop staring…” you whine, and I shrug as I carefully put a kiss upon your forehead, one that make you move closer towards me, hugging me tighter than before as if it’s an attempt to make me stop this weird habit of mine, and yet I don’t.

 

I love you.

 

So much.

 

More than I could ask for.

 

More than what you’re giving me.

 

More than what I’m supposed to give.

 

“Minjeong,” you voice out, desperation present in that tone of yours as I slowly hum as an attempt to lull you into sleep yet again, for I know it would be the only way to keep you here with me for a little while longer.

 

“We’re friends…” that hurts. “…right?”

 

I force myself to nod, and you hum, satisfied, burying your face closer towards my shoulder, and I grit my teeth as the lie comes out hitting me closer towards home, my heart raging to be let known, that even if it hurts for me to know that you only look at me as a friend, I want my feelings to be spoken out loud, not even minding if the answer is already unchangeable and is already constant.

 

That I had already lost even before the battle started.

 

Hindi ko masabi.

 

Paano pa, eh alam ko nang wala naman na talaga akong mapapala sa pag-amin sa kanya?

 

And so I’m contented in the littlest of moments, in the hugs that I know would soon end, in only staring at you knowing that you would never be mine, na kahit anong gawin ko hindi na iyon mababago.

 

Tangina.

 

Why did I put myself through all of this?

 

Why did I put myself through countless hours of pain, countless hours of waiting and sitting behind the scenes silently, admiring you from afar?

 

Why do I spend time imagining moments with you as a lover, knowing that it would never come true?

 

Dahil sa ngiti mo.

 

Dahil gustong gusto kitang makitang masaya.

 

Dahil kahit nasasaktan ako knowing that there would never be an us, I’m contented with just being with you like this.

 

Even if you’d have to go in the mornings.

 

Even if everything would soon end.

 

And so I only stare at you, whispering I love yous when I know you’re already deep asleep, hiding away the fact that I’m in love with you ever since we were children, ever since I knew of love, dahil kahit kailan hindi ko kakayaning mawala ka.

 

So I’m contented to love you this way.

 

Nakakatakot isipin na mawala ka sa akin, Karina.

 

Kasi parang hindi ko kakayanin.

 

Knowing I spent a long time loving you.

 

Knowing I’ve never fallen any harder before.

 

Knowing that I’m only going to have my eyes on you for a very long time, possibly all this life of mine and no one else.

 

Knowing that soon, I’d see you loving someone else.

 

At hindi ako iyon.

 

Never magiging ako.

 

Kaibigan mo lang ako eh.

 

I’m just a friend in your eyes.

 

Someone you hug like this.

 

Someone you spend time with, most of the day.

 

Someone you’d have to see less and less when you find that one person you’re looking for.

 

Someone that would never be yours.

 

Mahal na mahal kita, Karina.

 

Although not in the way you love me.

 

Never in the way you love me.

 

More than how you see me.

 

Kahit masakit, kakayanin ko.

 

Ganun talaga eh.

 

I’ve already accepted that I lost in the big fight just so I can still be with you.

 

 

Here for the nosedive, whatever you need

And I’m saving all the bold lines

I’ll say them while you sleep.

 

 

 

[a/n: for loves that ended even before it started, for loves that did not even get a chance, for loves that weren't meant to be, this is all for you.]

 

 

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jaeinmarie
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Comments

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uchinagassi #1
Chapter 18: dapat pala talaga natulog na lang ako at maaga pa perf ng aespa bukas. 🥲🥲🥲🥲
ayperos_
#2
Chapter 15: nananadya ka ba, otor lods? grabe, bungad.
ayperos_
#3
Chapter 13: shuta, sana ol.
yurielle
#4
Chapter 13: cute beh
ayperos_
#5
Chapter 12: madam k lang sakalam shuta. teach me your ways, senpai.😔🤘
ayperos_
#6
Chapter 10: haha, taena. colorblind madam k.🤩
howdoyouknowmee
612 streak #7
Chapter 5: Upvoted!