[ happier than ever - billie eilish ]

 

 

"Umalis ka. Ng walang pasabi. And you really expect me to stay ng ganun kadali lang?"

 

Here it comes.

 

My outburst.

 

Tinago ko ng apat na taon, and here it comes out.

 

Over the littlest of things.

 

Over you.

 

"And you were the one who told me na ako pa rin, Karina!" she shouts, like she doesn't even care, and I do not back down—I never back down.

 

"Tapos? Ano, babalik ka ng ganun kadali? Oo, tinanggap kita even if you left without a world kasi mahal kita. But does that mean you can act so indifferent and think about yourself?" I utter, feeling the hot tears fall, and she looks away from me.

 

Look at me, Winter.

 

Please.

 

"Ano ba dapat kong gawin para maisip mo naman na kahit papaano, nasasaktan din ako?!"

 

Silence came afterward.

 

She doesn't dare speak—only staring at the ground, as always.

 

"Winter..." I utter, and there she looks at me again.

 

"If you don't want me, then go. Ayoko nang saktan ka, Karina." she says, and there my resolve falters.

 

The last bits of myself holding that anger in me is gone, thrown away by her words.

 

"Then why did you even come back?"

 

She flinches at those words, and there her eyes look at me again.

 

Void of love and affection.

 

"Bakit babalik ka pa, edi sana hindi ka nalang bumalik, diba? Kesa yung maninira ka pa ng buhay ng ganito." I utter, turning away from her and wiping my tears full of all my anger, and I don't even sense her moving close to me.

 

ing hell.

 

"Why did you come back when hindi ka pa pala ready? Anong ginawa mo dun sa apat na taon, wala? Why do you so strongly oppose the thought of me loving you?" I ask, already gathering my things in this apartment that I've moved in with her.

 

For old times.

 

Pero di ko na pala maibabalik iyon.

 

"You say that no one would ever love you again, eh hindi mo nga ako hinahayaang mahalin ka. Nandito na ako eh. Why do you worry so much, na masasaktan mo ako? You won't. You will never do that. And yet you believe your demons more than me, Winter."

 

I hear her sniffle behind me, the strong signs that she's crying, but I feel like I don't care anymore.

 

Done trying, at least.

 

"Edi sana hindi ka na bumalik. Sana hinayaan mo na lang akong sumuko. Kesa naman babalik ka, then you'd give me a chance, and then you just ing threw that chance out the window the first time you get an opportunity to do so."

 

"Karina..." she utters, and for what?

 

To try and save this... this that we have?

 

No.

 

This is ing hell.

 

"I'll get out of your life. You can go somewhere else for good, without me holding you back, and I'll treat this as the goodbye that you didn't tell me four years ago." I utter, a glare upon my eyes targeting hers, and this time she stares hard.

 

"We're not going to be able to bring back the version of us where we loved each other for seven years, Winter."

 

She looks down, as if she's finally defeated.

 

"That version of us ended when you left without even uttering a word."

 

Hindi na niya ako pinigilan pa and I just left, again.

 

This time I'm the one that's leaving.

 

Finally leaving you. 

 

Kasi hindi na sapat yung pagmamahal lang, Winter. Ang hirap magpakatanga sa'yo. Ang hirap yung binigyan mo uli yung tayong dalawa ng chance, na umasa nanaman ako, na nauwi nanaman sa wala yung lahat. 

 

I don't even remember why I fell in love with you... 

 

Kasi hindi na kita kilala. 

 

God, I don't even remember the Winter that I once knew. 

 

I spent four years waiting for you to come back, pero mali pala. 

 

Wala na palang babalikan. 

 

Kasi the day you left, dun na pala natapos yun. 

 

I was just so ing wrong to think that we could still have a chance, that we could still continue doing this, that I could still love you and you'd let me do so, just like old times, pero hindi na pala pwede. 

 

I'm sorry, Winter. 

 

Sorry that I can't do this anymore. 

 

I can't love you anymore. 

 

If this is what you really wanted, then alright.

 

If me leaving is the very thing you're seeking, if me leaving can finally put your heart at ease, then I'd willingly go. 

 

Kasi deep inside, inaamin ko. 

 

Mahal na mahal pa rin kita. 

 

But I can't really beat the demons you're not really doing anything to fight or to defeat, eh. 

 

And it hurts, me realizing that I should have surrendered a long time ago pala.

 

Just to protect myself from the storms and the hurricanes known as you.

 

 

When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever

Wish I could explain it better

I wish it wasn't true