1.

Junhui wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his uniform shirt. There is a trace of saliva and lip gloss on it.

 

“Ugh... ew. Did you train on tomatoes?”

 

Shuhua looks at the floor, at her neat brown shoes, holding her hands to the folds of her skirt. In her gymnasium uniform, she looks like a porcelain doll, counting in her face is pale from an overabundance of powder (and a lack of skills in make-up) - therefore, she can’t cry in any case. Junhui grins, crosses his arms over his chest and hangs over Shuhua, resting his forehead against hers. The hair of his fashionable bangs unpleasantly tickles the skin. And she wants to comb her face really hard ‘till it turns red, just so that this feeling disappears.

 

She should probably be glad that such a popular, predicted to be successful guy is her boyfriend. She calls him Jun, because it's a cool name for a cool guy who’s boasting about entering law school this year all the time. Shuhua should probably be glad that he kissed her. He had already kissed half the school, probably. And perhaps Shuhua should be proud of the fact that he flaunted her in front of his friends.

 

The library is full of students. Everyone is preparing for the upcoming exams — but this is in the reading room, on the other hand it's quite cozy in the department of classical literature. The shelves are high, almost reaching the ceiling, and the aisles between them are narrow. The books - a new order from the gymnasium - smell of paper, and some of their sheets are still glued together. Shuhua likes them.

 

Shuhua likes muted colors and dark wood, likes Bronte novels and English lessons, even though they are given only twice a week. She likes Jun too… Probably? At least her mom likes him.

 

And the first kiss, according to the precepts of the classics, should be wonderful, magical, amazing. Fireworks behind her back, romantic music, a beautiful dress, maybe candles with the smell of vanilla… Shuhua won't have that. She already doesn’t, in fact.

 

She squeezes her lips, bites them from the inside. Jun is a jerk and also an extremely stupid boyfriend. You really need to search for such people. He grins, puts with his hands, where he definitely shouldn't put. At least not when she just turned seventeen and not when he gave her a whole nothing and one big humiliation for her birthday.

 

“Why’re you pouting now, huh?”

 

Shuhua's kisses are known from books. From Western films, where they do not hesitate to show es on the whole screen. From the stories of the elder sister. From an advertisement for a lipstick that she has already ordered (because it is impossible not to order what Seulgi advertises). From shoujo manga.

 

She knows enough about kissing to understand that it’s not quite common to be snatched on with sweaty hands and be told that your kiss is disgusting.

 

"Silly girl," he says, pushing off the shelf with his hands. It sways a little when he leaves. Shuhua looks after him and doesn't seem to feel anything at all.

 

She squats down, the hem of her skirt hanging down to the parquet floor. She can't cry, but she really wants to. And the tears flow down her cheeks by themselves.

 

The first kiss was supposed to be magical. Shuhua will not have this, because the first kisses happen only once.

 

2.

The second time she kisses Zitao. He asks to be called by short name and is afraid of sudden loud sounds. It gets even scarier with him in a thunderstorm because he huddles up to her instead of letting her do it. Tao also has problems with concentration, so they can't watch a single drama up to the end. In general, they are too similar.

 

However, Tao is funny, and his jokes are quite funny. Her mom doesn't like him that much, but her dad does, because he also loves hockey. Shuhua recognizes when the season starts by how much more often Tao begins to appear in their house. Sometimes it seems to her that he is dating either Park Jinkyu or her father. She hasn’t decided what is worse yet.

 

Kissing Tao feels like nothing. He doesn't know where to put his hands and stands still awkwardly, only tilting his head, and then complains that his neck hurts. He regularly accompanies her home after dates and as regularly disappears for several days without warning when his social battery runs out.

 

At the age of seventeen, Shuhua wants to be significant, at least more significant than hockey.

 

3.

For the third time, she is kissed by a guy from the study group in the bathroom of a rented apartment, where they celebrate Yuqi's birthday. Shuhua is not very aware of what is happening, because vodka with orange juice is piercing into her head and a cabinet with a barbed handle is piercing into her back. He presses Shuhua’s hips into the sink and pushes his tongue into . And it's disgusting.

 

In the morning, it turns out that it was Yukhei, and that he is no longer dating Yuqi, because he slept with her groupmate that same night. Shuhua watches as Yuqi arranges a marathon of films - a film, Titanic to be exact, and does not reproach herself for exhaling with relief — Yukhei did not cheat with her. It would be stupid to lose Yuqi to a guy she doesn't even like.

 

At eighteen, she wants to be taken care of and, perhaps, someone to meet after classes with a glass of cappuccino with coconut milk. But the fact that she loves cappuccino and coconut is known only to Yuqi, and Yuqi has no money for anything except ramen from a convenience store. Therefore, Shuhua buys herself coffee and waits for the right bus to come to finally go home. It rains a lot in Seoul, and it makes her sick.

 

4.

The meeting with Minho is organized by Miyeon. After much persuasion and a whole week of whining, Shuhua agrees to a blind date. And when she kisses Minho, the kiss feels like dark unfiltered beer. Minho likes online games and texting at night. Shuhua prefers to sleep at night because studying in medical school is exhausting.

 

Minho, in general, is not bad, so when he says that he has fallen in love, Shuhua rejoices. Partly because he's found someone to chat with at night instead of her, partly because Jisung isn't bad either. Shuhua calls him a softie behind his back. Sometimes they exchange memes about cats in kakao or go to some bar on lucky weekends.

 

5.

Shuhua registers on a dating app under pressure from Minnie. Minnie turns out to be dating Mien, so it's not too surprising – alike is magnetized by alike. Minnie uploads the most successful photos to her profile — one in full growth, another with a dog that was left with her parents, a photo from a cafe that Shuhua really likes. It turns out that she doesn't have enough good photos of non-Yuqi, because Yuqi tears off everyone’s hands for every bad photo, although she herself obviously grows them out of her .

 

After a couple of days of aimless wandering from guys with inflated standards to girls who are simply scary to like, Shuhua finally swipes Soyeon to the right. Soyeon is only a year older, so Shuhua can't decide for a long time whether to call her eonni or not. On the first date, Soyeon invites her to the cinema for a new action movie. Shuhua doesn't really like action movies, she also doesn't like horror movies. But Soyeon comments on everything that happens on the screen and looks funny in 3D glasses, which are huge compared to her head, and therefore constantly fall off her nose.

 

Soyeon is nice, so when the credits roll on the screen, Shuhua responds to her kiss. Soyeon's lips are dry, she kisses carefully, and then apologizes several times for not asking for permission.

 

Shuhua kisses her again, on the second date - at the museum's contemporary art exhibition. A red blob looks out from the canvas, and Shuhua doesn't like it. Soyeon loves modern art, Soyeon says that she likes Shuhua. So Shuhua really doesn't know what to say when Soyeon purses her lips after an unsuccessful attempt to take Shuhua's hand in hers. Shuhua pulls it away involuntarily. They stay awkwardly silent for a long time on the way to the bus stop. When it finally arrives, Soyeon kisses her on the cheek, and it's nice. Shuhua hopes to see her again.

 

They remain friends. She always remains friends with nice girls, and all girls are amazing, so it's a vicious circle.

 

+1

It comes to mind suddenly. Not Shuhua in the head, but Yuqi. Yuqi sends her the profile of the tattoo studio in direct message and says that she wants to get a paired tattoo. Not that Shuhua was against tattoos, but even after a week of thinking about the idea, she still refuses. However, she agrees to accompany Yuqi to the session. She promises to hold her hand and bring a straw of banana milkshake to , which she also promises to spend money on.

 

They arrive at the city center just in time, looking for a studio in the yards for quite long time. There is a red neon sign on her door, and the door opens with a bell. The door opens and a young lady stands on the threshold. The sleeves of her sweater are rolled up, and a friendly smile appears on her face.

 

"We're on the record, for two p.m.," Shuhua says, because Yuqi is too nervous to say anything. Moreover, she had to — yes, she had to, who's to blame that the chemistry professor is an – refrain from Tuesday beer for the sake of a Thursday tattoo session.

 

The lady nods. Shuhua sneaks a peek: the badge says Seo Soojin. And while Seo Soojin is typing something into the computer, offering the clients tea, Yuqi is nervously wandering around the reception studio. Soon, the master appears from the room behind the glass door, and Yuqi, spitting on the arrangements, leaves Shuhua to wait in the reception area.

 

"You're not local," Soojin says (gosh, is it fine to call her by her first name already or not?) out of nowhere. Shuhua nods, even though it's not even a question. — “You have a nice accent.”

 

"Thank you," Shuhua replies politely. The remarks about the accent are not new. Every second person considers it necessary to comment on it, and for the third year of living in Seoul, this is already too irritating.

 

“And you're cute.”

 

Shuhua looks up from the doodle pictures on the wall and turns to the receptionist. She is standing next to the counter, leaning on its elbow.

 

“Are you flirting, Soojin-ssi?”

 

“Maybe,” Soojin says so simply and casually that if Shuhua had not refused tea, she would have choked on it at this moment (we will not remind how at a movie session coke spilled out of her nose, because the main characters of the film suddenly kissed in the middle of the fight. Not the best time for kissing, to be honest).

 

Shuhua finds Soojin on Instagram on the way back. Yuqi complains that her ribs are hurting now and that the master is cute to the point of impossibility. She kicks a rock in front of her as they walk home. In the end, Shuhua stumbles over it and almost falls flat on the asphalt.

 

“What's so interesting there that you don't look at your feet?”

 

Shuhua is plays shy before showing the screen. Soojin is looking at Yuqi from it, or rather, her back is. Shuhua swipes. The back is replaced by the legs, and then the legs begin to move. This is a video. A video of Soojin dancing. Soojin is a good dancer. Soojin is a very good dancer. That's probably why Shuhua doesn't notice that she accidentally puts a “like” on the post.

 

“Whoa, bae. Get it. Totally, yep,” Yuqi says and slaps on her shoulder so that Shuhua thinks – just a little more, and it will fall off. Yuqi laughs that someone caught a crush. It's hard not to catch a crush on a person who purposefully flirted – successfully, must be admitted – for three hours straight while looking like a goddess.

 

 

 

“So you're a tattoo master too?”

 

“Kinda.”

 

Soojin texted Shuhua late in the evening and liked a few (all) photos in her profile, or rather liked and then texted, in reversed order. Not a big difference. But now they are leisurely strolling through the park after a date in a cafe. It wasn't stated as a date, but Shuhua feels it that way too clearly, so to call it a meeting or a walk would be blasphemous. Soojin jokes silly jokes and asks about Shuhua’s childhood in Taipei, pays their meager bill and smiles confidently. She accompanies Shuhua all the way home. And when there is an awkward pause, Shuhua already knows what will happen next. She is prepared by life; nothing can surprise her.

 

“How do you feel about cuddles right now?”

 

 

 

The sixth kiss overtakes Shuhua suddenly. It hits her head with a thought and makes her grow into the sidewalk, almost dropping the coffee from her hands. Soojin turns around after a couple of steps, raises her eyebrows in surprise. This is the fourth not-quite-just-walk but not-too-much-of-a-date either, and Shuhua seems that she has already seen that somewhere. Or rather, she hasn’t, because couldn't watch a single drama to the end except for the notorious Goblin, which remained the ideal of romance for thirty-year-olds. They have already gone to a concert of some French music band, went to the beach not date and even to a masterclass of painting on ceramics (so now Shuhua has a mug on the shelf with the rest of the dishes that Soojin made).

 

At her twenty-two Shuhua likes delicate courtship and patience, she also likes when she’s not hurried up.

 

“You like me,” Shuhua says, and it sounds harsh. Soojin hesitates on the spot, what else can she say.

 

“Well, yes. I mean… Did you just notice now?”

 

“No, but-”

 

Shuhua shuts halfway, no longer speaking out loud, trying to distract herself from Soojin, who is typing something on the phone. They get to the subway pretty quickly. Soojin tries to hush up an awkward pause along the way, but it doesn't come out very well. It's even more embarrassing that they go in one direction, so Shuhua is insanely grateful when Soojin says that her older sister urgently needs help and that she should go on another line.

 

When Shuhua arrives home, she remembers that Soojin doesn't have an older sister.

 

And it's sad.

 

She scrolls this thought instead of a p. e. class. Then while she is studying the synopsis for the seminar. And a little more and more. The week pleases with studying from eight thirty in the morning to six in the evening, and by the end of it Shuhua feels worse than a squeezed lemon.

 

Shuhua is not used to taking the first steps. The first steps mean responsibility and pressure.

 

> let's meet pls

20:37

 

The first steps are unbearable, they need to be washed down with something stronger than vile lime-flavored cola, which unpleasantly settles on the teeth, making them rough.

 

read

 

Shuhua stands at the supermarket for a little while waiting for the message. What if she will answer. What if she won't. Please, answer, answer, answer-

 

> K.

20:53

 

Soojin barely crawls out of the subway. Not only was she tired, but the doors were heavy as hell.

 

“You wanted to talk.”

 

“Me too,” Shuhua says without "hello" or "sorry I haven't written for so long" or "yes, we need to discuss something" or whatever. “I like you too, Jin-ah.”

 

“Well, we'll have to start from the first date again, I guess.”

 

Soojin smiles. She doesn’t push Shuhua away when lip gloss is imprinted on her lips and gently supports her waist. Probably, the first kiss should have felt like this, Shuhua thinks when Soojin has to (It's late, and you live on the other side of the city. I won't let you go!) stay over the night. And when Soojin is playing Sims from her phone on Saturday morning, while Shuhua is trying very hard to listen carefully to a completely unrelated to medicine subject on Zoom. And when they lie on the bed as lazily as possible all day long.

 

That's how the first kiss should have felt – wonderful, calm, joyful. Soojin kisses her goodbye while standing at the subway entrance.

 

"You can start counting down," Soojin says in a whisper in her ear, pushing aside the scarf tied on his head.

 

“Countdown of what?”

 

“The first thousand of first kisses.”

 

“And what’s then?”

 

“Do you want to leave me without trumps? There will be non-first kisses after that, and you’ll definitely like them.”

 

The first thousand of first kisses sounds wonderful. Especially when Soojin kisses lightly on the lips once more before waving goodbye and disappearing into the subway.

 

"The twenty-first," Shuhua says into the void.

 

The moon shines brighter than the spotlight, finally peeking out from behind the clouds. And it's beautiful. Shuhua takes out her phone from her pocket.

 

click