2020XXXX

I haven't seen Jaehyun for a while.

I mean, we still practice together. We still eat together along with Johnny, Yuta and the rest of the guys. But eversince our fight when he went on sulking about being cast aside for SuperM, he'd become so distant. 

Maybe he is doing his homeowrk? The management told me all about 'idol image' to protect the artist's privacy, I was sold and all in with it. Jaehyun is the one person in the whole world that I would fight with my whole being to protect; even if that could hurt me. So when the management said that Jaehyun only needs to act "Princely" or "Cold" to counter my so-called "Passionate" and "Fiery" stage persona, I immediately thought that it could work for the both of us since people are starting to speculate...

...They're speculating how I feel for him dammit!

From the beginning I've always known him as my dongsaeng. He's the sweetest bundle of sunshine with his thoughtfulness and enthusiasm. Yes, he's a bit naughty at times, and Johnny would often tease me that Jaehyun could probably commit murder in front of me and I'd still believe him when he says he didn't do it. I mean, I do spoil the heck out of him, but as the first maknae, of course Jaehyun earned that privilege from me. Besides, Jaehyun's parents really trusted me to take good care of their son as Jaehyun is an only child; and I am not someone who would just forget his promises.

There was also that time when I felt so strongly as his hyung... that time when he cried. I remembered it so well, I just wanted to have someone to eat and maybe have some good talk with, but then he suddenly just cried. And that was the first time I ever saw his usually bright face swim with so much conflicting emotions. There was a feelling of being suffocated, yet there was loneliness; there was dissatisfaction, and yet he feels so overwhelmed. He cried onto me and I swore I would never let him feel that way again...

... The only promise I ended up breaking. All for him. 

==

"Jaehyun, are you available tonight? I'll need some - "

"Oh, sorry hyung... I made plans with Johnny hyung. Maybe next time?"

But Johnny will come with me! This is more than obvious Jaehyun... I thought to myself as I smiled stiffly. "Oh... cool.... I'll probably ask Doyoung or somebody else..." I quickly turned my back and did not bother checking on his reaction as I left the room. It was then I met Johnny and I had to stop him before coming in.

"Hey Johnny, let's do our plan next time?"

"Huh? Aren't you the one who was so excited about setting up the aquarium at our room?"

I shrugged. "It seems Jaehyun will ask you to hang out or something; the aquarium can wait anyway..."

Johnny's look spoke volumes, and I try to ignore them all and feign ignorance. But Johnny isn't letting me off the hook just yet.

"Aren't you trying too hard for Jaehyun though? How long has this drama been going on?" Johnny tried to look annoyed as much as possible, but he knew and understood me too well.

And I will forever be thankful that I have Johnny (and Yuta) in my life. Those two are the only people whom I've bared my heart and soul fully, and have protected me for all these time. But dealing with Jaehyun right now... I guess we really had crossed that line where we couldn't go back. Or at maybe it was just too late. But I'll hold things off... maybe at least when I knew I just need to give it up this time.

"Just let him get his way this time, okay? I'm seriously okay... I'll just play some games in my room for the meantime. Or maybe I'll do a live; our managers have been nagging me cuz I still lack some hours..." I tried my best to be honest and yet remain unaffected in front of the Johnny Suh, but I guess that ain't happening.

"Fine," Johnny paused, as if searching something in my expression, before continuing. "BUT... you will do that live, okay? I won't go anywhere with anyone if you don't promise me that Lee Taeyong," He looked dead serious on that threat and of course I had to obliged. I don't get scared at anyone easily, but Johnny Suh are some of the exceptions to that rule. He is my brother through and through, but he acts like he's waaaaay older especially when I'm a bundle of mess. And that Johnny Suh is scary af.

"Yes, I promise I'll really do a live... just - " I was about to say something when I sensed that Jaehyun was about to come out. "Gotta go..." I gave a quick tap on Johnny before making a quick dash to the common pantry to hide.

"Johnny hyung!" I heard Jaehyun's almost relieved voice. I knew he hasn't asked Johnny yet; and so his relief would be undeniable now that he saw his hyung. "I'm so glad I - I mean, you okay hanging out with me tonight? Let's go for a can of beer or two if you want,"

I could feel Johnny's frown reaching the place where I'm hiding. I knew I didn't quite convince him yet, but I reaaaaally am a chicken when it comes to that brat. I admit it Johnny Suh, so please -

"Sure! Where do you wanna go Jay?" Johnny used his most indulgent tone and I heaved a sigh of relief. At least until Kim Jungwoo came in and found me watching Johnny and Jaehyun from the common pantry and snuck up on me; and I nearly yelped at the surprise.

"Whachadoing Taeyong hy - hmmmmm!!" 

I hastily covered his mouth and pulled Jungwoo in just before Jaehyun turned towards the common pantry.

"Is TY hyung here? I think I heard Jungwoo calling him - "

"Nah," I could hear Johnny quickly pulling him out to head onto the elevator. "Come on Jay, I'd go back to my room if we're still hanging around here."

"Ah... okay, I got my wallet anyway. Let's go?"

"Yeah, yeah..." I could practically hear Johnny transmit his annoyed message saying I owe him one.

Yeah... I owe him. A lot.

"Hmmmm.... hyung!!" Jungwoo pried free from my strong grip; almost gasping for fresh air. "Are you trying to kill me?! What was that for?"

I'm still trying to check even as the elevator has long gone down. "I'm sorry Jungwoo... I just - "

"You didn't want Jaehyun hyung to find you eavesdropping on them?"

Ouch, that's kinda true but... "I already had plans with Johnny, and I was gonna ask Jaehyun to join but he said he had plans with Johnny... so I told Johnny - "

Jungwoo's eyebrow arched as he continued the sentence for me, "So you asked Johnny hyung to go along Jaehyun hyung's moodswings and gave way for him?"

Yep, this kid now knows how to strike and kill. "Pretty much... it's just that - " 

"Hyung... I know you've practically spoiled Jaehyun hyung all your life, but isn't he throwing his tantrums a bit too long now? Even though you two looked like talking just like how it was before, all of us are painfully watching you both, you know... Like everything you both do now are intended for your fanservice; for the benefit of your fans and even your stalkers. And this has been going on for so long..." He accurately pointed out something I've long denied myself.

No... it's not like that...

"It's not like that - "

"Was it since you left for SuperM hyungs?"

I was at a lost for words. I had all but forgotten that fight we had. And it finally sunk onto me that maybe it really is my fault.

Everything was my fault.

This realization sinking was so unexpected I almost lost my balance, had it not been for Jungwoo catching me on time. "Hyung, whoa! Careful - "

"Oi Jun