SNAPPED

“I am so sorry Cheollie hyung. But I can’t make it to dinner tonight. I need to meet up with some people from the centre.” Seungcheol paused from scooping out his cereal but he didn’t look up once to Chan in front of him. Mingyu gripped his spatula tightly before stepping out of the room trying to cool down.

“Oh, alright. It’s okay. We could celebrate next year, no big deal.” His passive face gives nothing away. He would give nothing away to Chan now. Hasn't he broken his heart enough for the younger? 

He keeps on waiting for the younger in the same place, from the beginning, making himself better, always longing for him, and even after all of that, if the younger did not choose him, what else can he do?

He let out a little sigh. Maybe he should do himself a favour and let both of them free. 

“Hyung? I can cancel the plan, if you wanted me to,” when Seungcheol looked up and his face was vacant there was no trace of emotion, even disappointment. Chan stood frozen in his place as the vacant eyes looked straight at him. He was hit like a truck with the hollowness, that it struck fears so deep in him. Fear he never knew he had. 

He was scared of losing the way his hyung looked at him. 

“No. Don’t. Don’t go out of your way to make time for me Chan.” Seungcheol calmly collects his empty bowl and carries it to the sink, while Chan is standing at the same place, looking at the empty space that Seungcheol used to occupy. He watch silently as Seungcheol wash his dirty dishes and are about to walk out of the kitchen.

“Hyung, what do you mean by that?” 

He almost missed it, as Chan’s voice was as low as a whisper. If he is not right by Chan’s side, it may have gone unnoticed.

“What is?”

“What do you mean that I don’t have to go out of my way to spend time with you?”

“Exactly what it is.”

Chan clench his jaw then reaches out to grab Seungcheol’s arm as he try to slip out from the conversation.

“Exactly what?”

Seungcheol looks up to him and what he saw make him regret not just letting Seungcheol slips away from the kitchen.

“Are you asking because you really don’t know, or are you trying to push my button, Lee Chan?” 

“Hyung-.”

“When do you have time for me? Thirty minutes before going to bed? Or maybe the five minutes we sat on the same table to eat breakfast? How many of our dates have you ditch because you have something else to do? And everytime I wanted to talk to you, I feel like I am intruding your time and space, Chan. And I’m so tired of this-,” Chan did the only thing he thought of. He kissed him. If that’s that only thing that could stop the heartbreaking words falling out from his mouth, he’ll do it.

Seungcheol yanks his lips away, and he doesn’t turn his head towards his direction again. He’d rather look at the blank white wall than the face of the man in front of him. He knows Chan is crying, he could hear it from the quiet whimper and sobs. He hurts him, but at times, he needs to make Chan understand, he is hurt too.

“Hyung, please. Don’t do this.”

“Who is he, Chan?” Chan closes his eyes. And his body trembles as his fear becomes closer to reality. He could literally feel the way Seungcheol slowly getting away from him, from his grip. And the way his heart squeeze with fear almost makes him breathless. He let his hand grip onto the sleeves of Seungcheol's clothes, tightly, that the clothes completely crumpled in his grip.

"Who are you talking about hyung?" Seungcheol sneer mockingly, althoug he can't pinpoint whether the mocking smile is for Chan or for himself.

"Do I really have to say it myself? Three weeks before you come back, the man who got captured. He overlap with our mission, I heard the man in there call him your boy toy." The words tastes bitter falling from his lips. He wanted to be the only one for the younger, can't he?

Lee Chan scrunch his eyebrows in confusion before realizing who Seungcheol talking about. Of course, his hyung knows. And Chan didn’t mind, he really didn’t. He just wishes that he will be the one that tells the tale to him.

“He is just a friend.” Seungcheol almost laugh at himself out loud, goodness he's such a pathetic someone, so whipped and in love with the younger, that his whole being feels better after the younger says the words friend. The way he feels like he could breathe a little better. 

“Do you keep meeting him after?” Lee Chan shakes his head, and his hand desperately holding onto Seungcheol. 

“No, I didn’t meet him, hyung. I-I, I almost slept with him once.” Seungcheol closes his eyes tightly. The younger are giving him medicine then open up the wound himself. And hearing the truth from the younger’s own mouth somehow cut deeper.

“Then what happens after that?”

“Nothing. I wanted him to stop, and tell him I got a boyfriend waiting at home. I’m sorry hyung, I really didn’t mean to. I was drunk, no. I- I won’t make any excuses. I was wrong, and you can be mad at me, as much as you want. Just- Just don’t leave me hyung.”

“Then who do you keep meeting every time?”

“Wonwoo-hyung. I keep feeling guilty that I don’t know how to face you properly. I ask for advice from him, few times. Other than that, I was running errands for the centre. I need to fill in my points, so that I can give my commitment to this team.”

Seungcheol heaved a sigh, deep and full of hurt. His head is full of swirling thought. The loudest of them all would be that the younger stopped his action before it goes to far. But on the other hand, the feeling of betrayal are too prominent for him to simply say it's okay. It's not okay, and they both know it. 

“I do wish you would come to me first, Chan. I- I think I need time, I’m sorry.”

Seungcheol walks out of the kitchen, and seconds later bringing a backpack, he drives out from the house. Leaving Chan sitting on the foyer, just staring blankly at the space where Seungcheol’s car used to remain. Unspoken regret remains, but just moping around won’t let him hold onto the man he wants. 

That afternoon, he received a bouquet. Fresh orange blossom, with a little card, written I Love You and Happy Anniversary.

Lee Chan holds the flower close to him as he weeps. How can he let a moment of collapsed judgment destroy everything he had fought for?