May 2021,

"What the heck!" "Why in the world I'm so nervous about talking to a girl?" I said running my fingers through my hair in frustation.

"And it's Ryujin. It's Ryujin who knows me the most." I was getting more and more nervous thinking how she would react if I talk about it suddenly.

“Noona I’m really clueless how am I supposed to talk to her about this?” me and my elder sister were sitting in the café in front of our company.

She was nearby for the work so we were meeting before I had practice with the boys today. And the topic was Kang Ryujin yet again.

The girl who is my best friend since ten years and the girl I have been in love with for more than four years now.

“She is on my mind since that day" "I really want to tell her now” noona was watching me with that poker face again.

"I don't think I should wait more" I pressed my lips together, feeling anxious with the thought of confronting her.

"But?" I pushed my face in my palms, as I heard noona sighing loud & long.

Since Dr Changmin visited Ryujin that day when we all were together with her at her home, I was feeling insecure than ever before, my desire to reveal my heart has been resurfacing again & again from that moment, and now here I am, planning a confession.

Everyone in the room was excited for a new person in her life & wanted her to date finally. 

She was definitely confused & worried about her worklife, and all I could do was stand there drinking water, staring at the doctor friend of hers, who definitely had love interest in Ryujin. 

Dr Changmin looked like a gentleman, composed & clear of his thoughts, he wasn't trying to hide any emotions of his for Ryujin, and yet was sweet & humble, can be said that he was 90% Ryujin's style, but soon I came to discover, she is not interested in him, and I haven't stopped thinking about ‘ifs’ & 'buts' after that day.

Especially when I met him again at the hospital just to know that he likes her a lot instead, I felt threatened, and that was a strange and new feeling for me.

It's not that I am not sure of my feelings, I mean I have had these feelings for almost five years now. I can’t be wrong about it.

But the fact that she’s been my friend for more than 10 years too, it is a long time we have spent together as friends now, which keeps making me nervous whenever I think of telling her that my feelings for her have a very different meaning than she thinks.

I wasn't this type of person who would hide his feelings for such a long time, I have always been a very straightforward person, especially about feeling!! Always!! 

I am still the same with everyone else!

Except on this one !!

Since I have known about my feelings for her, I couldn't bring myself to talk to her about it.

However, I think she is that precious one with whom I can't just blurt out words, I keep going back and forth on my decision then.

She is definitely not the person who would end our friendship if she thinks differently, but it turns out that I have been postponing this confession for a very long time now.

I can’t deny that it was nerve-wrecking to have such strong feelings for a person you meet everyday.

The scariest part of all these worries was, what if I lose her forever as friend? 

What if anything between us changes because of my confession? 

I would never want our friendship to be at risk for my love.

“Jonghyun-ah!" I was alerted from my thoughts as I heard noona's voice finally, as she decided to reply seeing me mewl in distress, "You know what?”

She was listening to my excuses since 2-3 years now, and was quite pissed by my ranting to have any opinion.

She had almost given me every possible option to consider from her perspective and was trying to understand our situation, but now I get why she is frustrated with the discussion these days, even I am frustrated with my confusion.

“What?” I cried lazily, watching the spoon in the coffee cup while fiddling with it in the trance of my thoughts.

“You both are going to lose your precious time together if you keep worrying about everything else but your feelings right now.” I could hear her commanding tone coming out with her words, “You have feelings for her since so long now"

"And I know she has feelings for you" she added, her restless tone getting stronger, as I looked up at her pouting exhausted by overthinking.

Noona has always been saying that, but I just was trying hard to not believe it completely. 

Because, of course, Ryujin likes me. For sure!

But romantic feelings? I doubt?

She sighed watching my puppy eyes on her, getting stronger, "Neither of you wants to start first" her dissatisfaction was clear in her voice now.

She was sick of repeating herself now.

"Of course!" "For your own good reasons." she continued, her irritation rising, as I looked away, scared of her stern gaze on me, "I understand!"

She was trying to keep her calm, as she took a deep breath before speaking further, "But aren’t you guys too late already to consider those reasons now?”

I took a glance at her to notice her squinted eyes focused on me, like the teacher scolding her student in the class.

She was the only person who could wake me & push me for the good right now, for my stubborn overthinking brain to stop running wild for once.

“I am not sure about how she feels?” I tried to outsmart her for once, as she threw the darting look back at me, making me look down in regret,

"You're impossible!" I was.

“She haven’t dated anyone in 10 years" she continued, confusion & anger bursting out together in her mixed voice, "She spends her almost every weekend & holiday with you" 

Aren't holidays meant to be spent with friends? Isn't that the only reason?

"She has always had numerous reasons to be with you every moment possible" 

That's because I know her very well, she just feels comfortable around me.

"You need me to keep going?” she was pissed, as I looked up at her finally, to calm her down.

She did insisted a lot that Ryujin does likes me back, the way I do, but I didn’t wanted to jump to conclusions and make a fool out of myself by taking some impulsive actions.

Being a stubborn younger one, I had ignored her advice for an era now.

“Okay, I got you!" I assured, making her finally take a breath.

 I was convinced for sure that I atleast need to tell her someday, instead of keeping everything to myself, and this can't go on forever.

"I’ll make sure to talk to her soon” I reassured, straightening my back to show her my conviction, as she was observing me for seconds, before standing up, "You better do" “And do it well" 

"See you on this weekend then” she came across to give few pats on my shoulders while passing by me as I stayed in my seat after she left, staring at the empty cup in front of me.

It wasn’t the first time, I was making a speech of confession in my head, deciding where to start & end.

The lives we both were living were tough enough for us to look at each other & acknowledge the connection we had between us. Sometimes she was really busy with her 24/7 profession, and sometimes I was so occupied with my own work. I think at some point, I did decided to leave it the way we were, thinking there will be a time when I can say those words comfortably to her without much of a plan and the anxiety following it, when the time turns to be right.

I was subconsciously waiting for her to feel the same.

But Dr Changmin's appearance in her life actively pushed the buttons for me.

I realized for a long time now that we have come too far to keep waiting for the perfect chance.

It may be turn out that we will lose this feeling between us with days trying to avoid it and she may fall in love with some better guy like Changmin someday, if I fail to let her know ever.

I needed to take my chance before I lose it to someone else forever.

And anyway we were grown-ups now, and If noona is right for Ryujin, and she really likes me back as more than a friend, then I definitely need to tell her that we can be together in this feeling.

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“So what are you doing on weekend?” I had called her to ask her to come with me, because noona had already told me Ryujin was coming home this weekend on her demand.

“Eonnie asked me to come home for the weekend so I’ll be coming home" she answered right away, making me smile on her cute sincerity.

"Why? Oppa have any plans?” she asked back. Of course, there was a plan! 

“I can pick you if you want" I suggested, hearing her surprised expression, "Do you want to go together then?” I was walking in the corridor in frontof our practice room, touching my hair constantly, to shrug away the nervous feeling deep inside coming out again.

It wasn't crowded because of afternoon, so I kept moving back & forth to calm myself down.

“Uh!" "Okay, sure!” her voice was cheerful, making me smile like a fool, feeling butterflies in the stomach like a teenager who is asking out a girl for prom, “Okay then. See you tomorrow”

I was very confident that I wanted to tell her but the I was so clueless about how? 

We were friends who talked everyday, about everything and all, including something very common like love & romance, but still saying 'I love you' was sure not anything similar to those conversations. 

My heart was beating so fast, I wished foolishly in that small moment, that she shouldn't hear it through the call.

“Uhmm" I heard her reply bringing me back to the call, "Bye then" "Eat well oppa.” she added, before hanging up.

She has this habit of saying ‘eat well’ while saying bye on calls & texts, which I felt was so adorable. I don’t know why though!? 

It was simple yet very caring of her.

I did really eat well sometimes when I heard her say that to me, mostly when I was having a day with absolutely no appetite, it kind of had a huge impact on me since a long time now, as it was turning into a habit.

“Umm, Bye!” 

Noona would call her all the time when she missed her & they would hang out together.

Sometimes more than me, when I was the one who brought them together at first place....

But anyway, Mom and noona liked her more than me. And I was jealous!

Since she came in our life, noona shared more things with her and I felt like I was getting ignored slowly in their blooming love.

She was invading all the things I owned, including my heart since then.

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Beep, beep, beep, beep…..

Both of us entered the house, as she walked inside ahead of me.

“Eonnie’s not home?" Ryujin scanned to find the house empty, "She called me and where's she?” she was mumbling to herself, but quite loud for me to hear clearly, as there was dead silence around, and all I could hear was her not-so-sweet but beautiful husky voice even with her light breathing sounds now.

Noona had called me to tell that she was going out to take grocery & she'll take her time to get back after seeing her friend too.

I knew she was making an excuse to leave both of us alone for the time, so I expected the house to be empty when we reach.

“Can we talk something first?” I asked, not wasting more time now walking behind her.

I was nervous throughout the drive, figuring out the correct order of words I wa