One

A Place Closer Than Heaven (So you can visit me)

Winter of 2016,

We are now laying here in the sofa, covered in blankets with tons of foods around us. It’s Friday, which means it’s movie night. We are watching The Notebook for the sixtieth time, every time we watch it she will always cry even though we already knew the plot. Gosh, I already memorized their lines. But what can I do, she loves this film so much.

She squeezed her tiny body on me and rest her head on the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and caress her hair.

“Kang Seulgi, when we die, where do we go?” She asked out of the blue.

“I don’t know, maybe in heaven. Why do you ask?” I replied, confused by her sudden question.

“Heaven? That sounds way too far from the ground, how can we visit each other?” She once again asked me, she’s weird sometimes.

“Jo, what do you mean? Are you thinking about dying?” I asked, still surprised by her questions.

“No, of course not! It’s just, I’m thinking of other probabilities or some scenarios. What if one of us died? How can we visit each other, heaven is way too far.” She asked while pouting. Jesus, this girl really, I can’t read her mind sometimes. She’s unpredictable.

“First of all, if that happens I, myself, will be gone already. I can’t stand to live without you, don’t you know that? I wi-“ Before I can even finish my words, she pinch my arm, so hard that I felt like crying.

“Hey, youdon’t you ever think like that. Why would you do that? Just because I’m gone you will waste your life?  I don’t like it. I don’t want you to depend your life on me, that’s not good. Your life is yours, yours to keep and only for you to take care of it. Before you met me, you’re minding your life right? So, with or without me, I want you to keep on going.” She said with command. All I can do is to nod and hug her.

“Okay, fine. I will change that mindset. I’m sorry, Jo.” I said as I calm her down.

“I forgive you. Just don’tplease, don’t ever think that way again.” She begged and I just held her hand to calm her. Minutes had past, out of nowhere she began to spoke again.

“Seulgi-yah, I want to tell you something. But please, don’t get mad.” She said and I just nod.

“If one day, when unfortunate event happens and it took my life, I want you to take my ashes up in Mt. Pulag and scatter it on the summit.” She said with a small smile while looking at me.

“Why there?” that is the only thing that I can come up with right now. I’m bothered by her request, as if she’s saying goodbye.

“You know, cemetery is pretty depressing. And heaven is way too far, right? I have always love hiking in mountains so I want to be where the sun and clouds are, Mt. Pulag is a perfect place since you can go there whenever you miss me. And when you miss me, I want you to know that there’s a place where you can be with me. A place where it’s just you and me, together with the sun and the clouds.” She said with such hope in her tone. I can’t help but to admire her even more. But the thought of being alone scares me, so I tried to lift up the mood.

“I just know that it will happen when we are old, it will take a looong time. So what about hiking there together on your birthday this year?” I asked her even though I hate hiking. If it makes her happy, then we will do it.

“Oh my God, really?! I want to hike there, watch the sunrise and touch the clouds!” She screamed in excitement. I just laugh at her antics, one moment she’s sentimental then now she’s beaming with joy.

“Alright, we will do that.” I said while hugging her tight.

“Together?” she asked hopefully with her pleading eyes.

“Together.” I replied with certainty.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Spring of 2017,

I hate hiking but here I am in the middle of nowhere climbing my up to the summit of Mt. Pulag here in Benguet. I stopped on my tracks to catch my breath, I looked around and now I know why Joohyun wants to hike on this place. Beautiful is an understatement to describe this mountain, the place is serene, the trees are dancing to the rhythm of the wind and the only thing I could hear is my heartbeat and my laboured breathing. I was taking my time to admire the breathtaking scenery in front of me when I heard Joohyun whining at my back.

Kang Seulgi, why did you stop?” She sounds so irritated, I can clearly picture her annoyed face. I smiled and adjusted her body on my back. Her calling my namesounds so different unlike how others call me. The way every letter runs perfectly on her tongue, it never failed to wake the dinosaurs in my stomach.

“Stop pouting Jo, it doesn’t suit you. You look like a donkey.” I giggled. Of course, I received another series of whining with a dash of harsh punches on my shoulder.

“Come on, hurry! We might miss the sunrise, they said it was the highlight of the hike!” She exclaimed excitedly, this girl, really. I bet she’s smiling so wide right now, she loves sunrise more than me. I can visualize her gorgeous smile in my head, the smile that never fails to warm my heart.

“I know, just stop moving on my back, jeez!” I huffed in annoyance. God, she’s the one who pushed me to do hiking, but 5 minutes after we arrived on the base, she starts complaining that she’s tired and so I carried her. And guess what? She’s so damn heavy.

Oh God, the things I do for love.

She fell silent, I can feel her head resting on my back and her hands caressing my shoulders. She’s humming her favourite song while enveloping her arms around me, hugging me so tight.

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

You’d be like heaven to touch

I wanna hold you so much

At long last, love has arrived

And I thank God I’m alive

You’re just too good to be true

Can’t take my eyes off of you

I can’t help but to smile, Joohyun can be stubborn sometimes but she’s very sweet and bubbly. There are times that I will still be amazed when I got to see the different sides of her, and I can’t help but to fall deeper in love with her each time I discover something new about her, even if it’s her flaws. Hell, I don’t even consider it as flaws. Her everythingI love them all.

Seulgi-yah, will you still do our bucket list?” She hummed softly. I paused for a second and looked straight ahead on the trail. Why is she asking me that?

“Of course, I will. As long as you’re here with me, we’ll finish it alltogether.” I replied with a smile. I can’t imagine myself doing all the things we planned together all by myself, how can I appreciate all those beautiful sceneries when I can’t share them with her? I just can’t.

“What if you have to do it alone? Will you still do it?” She asked once again. This time, I can’t read her tone as well as her facial expression since I’m giving her a piggy back ride.

“What kind of question is that, Jo? Are you leaving me? Are you breaking up with m-“, Before I can even finish my words, I heard her hearty laugh echoing here in the mountain. I chuckled even though I don’t understand what’s funny. We are now a laughing mess and I’m struggling to make my way up since the trail is getting sloppy.

“Of course not! I will never leave you, . I’m just asking silly questions so that you won’t feel tired carrying me all the way up.” She said calmly as she moves on my back, adjusting herself closer to my ear.

Bae Joohyun, stop moving! Jo, we might fall I’m telli-“ I panicked but she just giggled and moved closer to my ear.

“I want you to know, that wherever you are or what you’re doing, remember that I will always be here as long as you keep your heart beating, because that is my home, where I belong, where I should be— in your heart.” She whispered in my ear and kissed my cheek.

My heart feels so happy, I feel like crying but I can’t. I feel like I’m floating, so this is what it feels like? To be loved and to be in love with the right person.

I feel so energized and happy that I can’t seem to feel her weight on my back, I feel so motivated to arrive at the summit to watch the sunrise unfold in front of our eyes.

“Please stay in my life until the end, I don’t see myself spending my life without you. It’s possible to live all by myself but it won’t be as beautiful without you. So, stay, will you?” I asked with full of hope and sincerity. Jeez, why am I being so emotional all of a sudden?

I heard her murmuring something but I can’t understand it, I guess she’s too tired to talk. I smiled at the thought of it, she’s so unpredictable, one moment she’s bright as the sun and all of a sudden you won’t hear her talking, not even a single word. I let her rest and continued to climb our way up to the summit. Before I even knew it, we’re already here.

As soon as I saw the sunrise starts to set in the middle of the sea of clouds, I can only watch it in awe. All I can see are clouds that look so soft, I extend my hand hoping that I can reach some of it. This place feels surreal, as if the nature is talking to me, all I could hear is the calming sound of the wind together with the birds. Right in this moment, it all feels perfect, I can’t believe I’m witnessing such exquisite scenery with my love. I’m wondering why she’s so quiet.

Jo, isn’t it stunning? Here we are, we accomplished your bucket list! Now I know why you love the sunrise more than me.” I joked as I continue to admire the scenery in front of me. A minute of silence, she’s still not responding to me.

“Oh, you’re still stunned by the view, right? Come here, stand beside me, let’s watch it together.” I said and I can’t help but to smile, again, no response. This girl, really, she’s so stubborn. 

I looked behind my back and she’s not there. I looked around and I can’t find her. I frown, where did she go? She’s always like that, playing pranks on me out of nowhere. I exhaled loudly and raised my both hands in defeat.

“Okay, I get it. No more playing around, come on, we’ll miss the sunrise. Please, baby?” I asked softly as I look around, looking for any signs of her. Silence filled the mountain top, I started to feel anxious.

Bae Joohyun, it’s not funny anymore. Come out now, please. I’m starting to panic.” I pleaded yet she’s nowhere to be found. I feel so nervous that I feel my hands starts to shake uncontrollably and I find it hard to breathe.  

I tried to calm myself, I closed my eyes and breathe slowly in and out. I opened my eyes and again, I’m all alone. This time, I decided to search for her maybe she got lost down there. I take off my backpack and placed it on the ground, when I looked down, I noticed something.

There I saw a white marble urn attached on my backpack.

 As if the world turned mute for a minute, I felt my world stopped in complete silence. I felt my knees going weak, tears came rushing down on my cheek in an instant. I could hear the loud heartbeats of my heart, it’s deafening, it’s so loud, feels like my chest is going to explode anytime soon. My body is failing me, I slumped down on the ground— reaching for the urn.

As I held it in my chest, everything came rushing like thunder. Reality slaps me hard, everything that happened a while ago was just my imagination. I can’t accept the fact that she’s gone. I just can’t. I clutch on the urn, it’s so cold.

“Joohyun... we’re here now. We finally climbed Mt. Pulag, come here now so we can watch the sunrise and touch the clouds. It’s so lonely here without you, it’s cold up here, I need you to warm me up.” I begged while caressing the urn like the way I’m caressing her hair before.

“So, you’re really gone, huh? We’re just half way through our list but He took his angel back home. Isn’t that too early? Or am I being too selfish?” I asked desperately.

“I should’ve accompanied you when you said it’s okay, that you will just ride a bus to your work. I should’ve noticed the disappointment that you tried to mask just to assure me that it’s alright, that I should be early in the bar exams. I should’ve known how anxious you were when crossing some roads alone. I should’ve accompanied you to make sure that you’ll arrive safely instead of arriving so early on that school just to take that ing bar exam on time. I had time to accompany you but I ignored it, my dream can wait, I should’ve known. Now, I may be one of the top Attorneys out there, but it’s nonsense when I can’t share that achievement with you. I should’ve known that you’re the dream that I’ve always wanted not that stupid career.”

As I spit those words, it felt like poison. It’s full of regret. I closed my eyes and suddenly, a memory came in flash.  

I am now currently rummaging through my papers like a mad man, bar exam is on the corner so here I am reviewing all the things I already know just to make sure I will not miss a thing. I am fully committed to this pile of papers when suddenly, I felt a pair of tiny arms enveloping me with a tight hug. I can’t help but to smile. How can she do that? How can she make me smile with just doing the bare minimum? I guess I’m just so in love.

“Notice me, Attorney. I might file a lawsuit against you.” She said while pouting. I chuckled, am I dating a kid or a duck?

“And why is that? What did I do wrong?” I asked, raising my eyebrows, intrigued by her statement.

“You stole my heart by just existing here, reading tons of books about law which is absolutely charming. It makes my heart flutter like crazy, you must be sentenced to be stuck with me for a lifetimeno bail.” She replied with a smirk. As we look into each others’ eyes, we burst out laughing.

“I didn’t know you’re a smooth talker. Seriously, what else can you do?” I asked, completely amused by her charm.

“I know, right? I can do everything except for one thing.” She replied which made me curious.

“I know it, wearing your jeans without jumping?” I said jokingly and there you go, I received the most painful kick coming from this tiny woman. Jeez, where did she get that strength? In her ?

“No silly!” She growled while stomping her tiny feet.

“Oh, okay. Then what is it?” I asked, this time more serious.

She scoot in front of me and held my face with both of her tiny hands. She then looked straight into my eyes with so much love and tenderness. I feel so vulnerable whenever she looked at me like that, the look she gave me as if I’m the most precious thing in this world.

She moved closer to my face, she kissed my cheek and said;

“I can’t”

She kissed my forehead

“Take my”

She kissed the tip of my nose

“Eyes off”

And finally, she kissed my lips

“Of you”

As I opened my eyes, I saw her gorgeous smile, it’s contagious that it made me smile too. I can’t believe that I got to love and be loved by this amazing woman. Damn, I’m so in love.

“Doc, I think I need an urgent surgery. I think my heart is gonna pop out of my chest.” I said dramatically while clutching into my chest. I noticed her smile grew wider, she held my hand that is now placed on my chest.

“Don’t worry, you got the best surgeon in the whole universe and that is none other than, Your Joohyun.” She said smugly and bowed afterwards. We both laugh because of our silliness. God, I will marry this woman soon. I surely will.

“Alright, as much as I want to cuddle with you, we must finish our papers first, yeah?” I asked her and she nodded her head. 

“I know, don’t stress out too much okay? You’ll ace that exam and be one of the topnotchers. I know you will, Kang Seulgi.” She said while looking directly at my eyes. With that, I feel so motivated.

“Jeez, I’m so lucky to have you. What would I do without you?” I asked her, she just crossed her arms and look at me intently.

“So, don’t you dare leave me. I swear, I will hunt you even in the deepest parts of hell. I’m serious, don’t laugh.” She said with such authority in her voice.

“As if that will ever happen, I won’t, okay? So go back in your desk and do your paper works, my surgeon.” I said smiling.

“Alright! Way to go, my attorney.” She said sweetly.

I opened my eyes and tighten my grip at the urn. Every minute that had passed, my heart feels heavier but feels empty, too. I wipe my tears and stand up, if Joohyun sees me in this state she will kick the hell out of me to get back into my senses. I came here for a reason, for a promise that I need to fulfil. I have to do her wish, even if it pains me to do it. I look at the urn and hug it so tight, as if I’m hugging her for the last time. I closed my eyes to savour the moment.

The moments we had when she was still here was all spent fruitfully, it’s just that I can’t get enough of her when He suddenly called his angel back home. Maybe He let me met her so that I can redirect my life, maybe He just wants me to be better for myself and that’s why He let me borrow his angel, to guide me, to help me find my purpose. It’s just that it is so painful to lost someone who made me believe in myself and loved me for who I am. I need to go on with my life, for myself and for my Joohyun. 

I looked around while holding the urn, it’s so beautiful, just like her. I open the urn and there I saw her ashes inside. I once again felt my knees getting weak, I put my other hand in my mouth to suppress my cry. I felt a lump in my throat, making it hard for me to breathe. I need to be strong, I can do this.

I finally put my hand inside the urn, as soon as I touched her ashes— I can’t help but to cry out loud. With my trembling hands, I began to scatter her ashes around the summit, while doing so I also felt that my heart feels a little bit lighter, as if an elephant lift its one foot off my chest. When there’s just a little amount of her ashes, I pulled out a sun shaped locket and put the remaining inside.

“Jo, I know you will kick me out of this mountain top because I disobeyed your request to scatter all your ashes here, but hey, I can’t help it. I did this so that, wherever I am, I will always feel that you’re with me. That thought motivates me to keep on going. I hope you don’t mind, Jo. And Oh, you said to me that my heart is your home, so here it is. I will keep you close next to my heart, where you should be. For a doctor, you strongly believe that you can be inside my heart. Well, for how many times I laughed about it, now I finally understand what you meant. Indeed, you’re here in my heart— always have, always will. It’s a pity that I never got the chance to kneel in front of you and ask you to be my wife. I still have the rings, it has a moon and sun engraved on its side. It’s beautiful, just like you.”

“I love you so much, Bae Joohyun. Hold on for a while, I will be coming up there soon.”

 

 

 

THE END.

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sluggiebearr
#1
Chapter 1: Nooooooooooooooooo
ctrp12
#2
Chapter 1: Oh man😭
Kang_bae_rene
#3
Chapter 1: 😭😭 SEULGI Irene
molar091 #4
Chapter 1: :''(((
uchinagassi #5
Chapter 1: i hate angst but i cant help but read them its so beautiful yet hurts so much
ohmg_imstuck
#6
Chapter 1: help bruh
my tears wont stop 😢