Having a social life is like playing on a playground. You start off all excited, full of energy, and run around, playing like there is no tomorrow. You meet new people, build new friendships, scream and laugh until your throat is killing you. As the evening progresses, you get more tired and often trip, fall onto the ground, scrapping your knees against the small rocks and pebbles, making them bleed. You slip up, you make mistakes, and frequently become the cringe one in the friend group, and you hurt people— not because you wanted to. It happens. I knew all that, I have always known and tried to keep cautious when playing in my own playground. I have done a great job at playing safe all these years, getting by with just a couple of close friends and many people who look forward to seeing me every day, as we exchange greetings when walking past each other in the hallways of the school.

Looking at me, you could not tell I was popular. Big eyeglasses, choppy bangs and bleached hair with ingrown roots, a terrible sense of style, and a habit to make everything into a joke, I was not that much of an interesting person. Actually, scratch that, the thing about being popular. I simply was way too popular for my kind; the weird kids, those who you would most likely avoid during and out of school. And honestly, I am not sure how I managed to befriend nearly everyone in my grade, but now I enjoy friendly small talk from all kinds of people I would never imagine talking to.

However, I still had a group of close friends, who I knew since way back in the day. Nayeon, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu. We went back to middle school days and I could not be more thankful to have them in my life. Tolerating a person as odd as me, can be very difficult. I, Kim Dahyun, tend to annoy my friends a lot. Just like right now.

We were on recess, enjoying a couple of sandwiches and some strawberry milk Chaeyoung had picked up for us from the convince store. Chaeyoung really liked eating strawberries, she smelled like them too. She was not introverted like me and Tzuyu, and had many other groups she could hang with. I'm not sure why she still keeps choosing us, but I'm not complaining. She is a very busy person, being a part of the art club, the choir, and theatre club, I was honoured she even had the time to be with us. Chaeyoung was a fun person to be around, she pushed you off your comfort zone and was the reason I started befriending random people from our school. I always hoped to be as brave as she is, because she truly is brave, and is never scared to tell her opinion...or pick up the phone and order food when needed. Maybe, that's why Myoui Mina, one of the unreachable cheerleaders, was madly in love with her. She, too, was an introvert and Chaeyoung probably helped her out, just like she did with us. But, back to our point though; recess.

"You're so ing annoying, Dahyun. I swear!" it was the nth time Nayeon had cursed today, and I could not blame her. I told you I tend to irritate my friends. "Just go talk to that girl, it's not like you haven't befriended half the school."

Nayeon was also an extrovert, but also did not like anyone. She usually went on about how everyone in our school was lame as hell, most of her friends were either from the cheerleaders or from outside of school. Nayeon was actually the one who introduced Mina to Chaeyoung and basically set them up, because Mina was too shy to ask Chaeyoung out and the latter could barely pick up any signs. I was thankful to have Nayeon in our friend group, she always called people out on their bad behavior. However, she swore a lot. I did not like that at first, but I got used to it. Nayeon liked to swear at me the most out of the friend group, most specifically at this very moment, because I got on her nerves.

"Come on, Nay." Tzuyu's sweet voice smoothed over Nayeon's cursing. "Not everyone finds it as easy as you to make a move. Even Mina, one of the most popular people in this school, was too shy to approach Chae."

Tzuyu was the second introvert to the group, but unlike me, she could not go up to people and start a conversation with them. I mean, I cannot either, I just do it because awkward silence is my biggest fear. Tzuyu was smart, a good student, and funny too. She liked animals and frequently volunteered at the local centre. Her style was also out of this world. Tzuyu always dressed elegant and was so effortlessly pretty. No wonder, Nayeon asked her out. I was shocked when that happened, by the way. They look good together, though... even if I third wheel constantly. At least, Tzuyu is always there to back me up when her girlfriend curses me out for not being able to talk to my crush.

Yes, that is exactly why Nayeon was screaming at me right now, and I could only nod. She had tried to make me talk to Momo all year, but I could never look at her without my ears turning red. I also have this very strange problem. I can never seem to find the right words. I search and search in the depths of my brain to pull out some and put them in the exact order that could describe my thoughts and feelings, but the moment they come out of my mouth, they are the exact opposite of what I was trying to achieve.

In other words, on the playground that is my social life, the words in my brain and I play tag.

"Then if she chickens out every time, at least make her stop whining about loving Momo so much," Nayeon whined into Tzuyu's lips, who had pulled her into a kiss — yuck! "She's not even worth it. Hirai is just a selfish, rich prick. Minatozaki is so much kinder and cuter. Hotter even."

SLAP!

Chaeyoung slapped Nayeon's arm hard, trying to get some sense into her. However, Tzuyu never seemed to care about her girlfriend talking about other girls in that way, she trusted her way too much, and secretly agreed with her.

"Don't be mean. Give her time." Tzuyu said with a small grin. THANK YOU, TZU! I'm shy and whenever Momo is around I get even shyer.

I watch the couple as they fall into one of those cute arguments and try to keep myself from throwing up. Chaeyoung, on the other hand, gives me a soft look, as if telling me to pay no mind to Nayeon, before returning to her lunch. I do the same, but this time, my eyes drift over to the group of cheerleaders sitting by the bleachers.

Amongst them was Mina, Chaeyoung's girlfriend, quietly sitting by Minatozaki Sana, who was passing a smoke around to the rest of the girls. They laughed and talked loudly, all gathered around in a circle. All of them looked pretty, their bodies were toned, and their skin clear as day. I envied them, not because of their beauty — besides, I am not one to care about looks — but because of how close they were with Momo. Said girl was in the middle of a circle, cigarette hanging from her lips, as she talked about something clearly funny. I wish I was as close to her like the rest of the cheerleaders were and listen to all the stories she had to say. I wish she made me laugh as hard as she did the people she surrounded herself with.

But, of course, I befriended everyone in the school apart from her. Yes, I know, Nayeon is right. It is just that I cannot bring myself to talk to her. I physically cannot. I always rehearse what I am going to talk to her about when I meet her, but when it actually comes down to it, I simply just forget everything. Whenever I think of talking to her, the words in my mind are aggressive, wanting to come out so much that they stop my breathing, clog my throat. Almost like a ball of yarn, they're messy and hard to untangle, to tell apart. Yet once I open my mouth to talk they disappear, the yarn dissolves into thin air and the words fly out into incoherent sentences. I keep chasing them, grasping them momentarily and gaining control, only for them to slip from me again.

On the playground that is my social life, I am playing tag with words and losing. The words are mocking me, making fun of me by surrounding my mind, yet I can never catch them, no matter how close I get. And I am getting tired, after hours in the playground, chasing the words around, I am thinking of surrendering.

"Hey, Nay!" the voice of Jihyo, the captain of the cheerleaders, interrupted my thoughts and brought me back to reality. I had not realized that I had completely spaced out, deep in thought. Sighing, I packed the rest of my sandwich away and watched as Jihyo walked closer to our group, hand in hand with her partner Jeongyeon.

"Yo, Hyo. What's up?" I can see Tzuyu pulling away from Nayeon. Even if she did not admit to it, all of us knew that Tzuyu did not like Nayeon's friends. They were just not her type, which is funny, because Nayeon is exactly like them, but she is heads over heels for her.

"We're going over to Sana's, her parents are out of town." Jihyo explained and gave a kind smile to all of us, sort of like an unspoken greeting. I like Jihyo, she is funny and kind and helps me with chemistry homework sometimes. "Wanna hang after school? You can bring over your friends, too, if they want."

I can feel Nayeon's eyes piercing through me and that annoying smirk tugging on her lips, but I do not bother to look at her. I am focused on Jihyo and how she unconsciously squeezes Jeongyeon's hand every time their shoulders are not touching — wow, they clearly like each other.

"Sure," Nayeon replies and now I am almost certain she is going to force me to go. She will not have to try hard, though. I do not need a lot of convincing to be around Momo, and of course, all of the other great cheerleaders. "I suppose Chae is already in, so that leaves Tzu and Dahyun."

There is no way Tzuyu would ever agree to spend to this—

"I'll pass." she says. Of course!

"Dahyun?" Nayeon raises an eyebrow and we finally lock eyes. She is waiting for my reply, but for some reason, words have let go of me again. "I'm certain she wants to join us. Besides, she's making a move on Hirai today."

I AM WHAT? HELLO? NAYEON, SHUT THE  UP! PEOPLE WERE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!! WHAT IF THEY RAT ME OUT? I AM DEAD. THEY THINK I AM A FREAK. THEY ARE NOT WRONG THOUGH, I AM A FREAK. I JUST DO NOT WANT THEM TO KNOW. ESPECIALLY MOMO.

Okay, Kim Dahyun. Get yourself together.

"I'll join." I say, clearing my throat. I really tried to sound as cool as possible, but I think my voice cracked a little.

My full of hatred eyes break contact with Nayeon's and return to Jihyo, who is chuckling and biding us goodbyes. And now, I have got to bear the embarrassment Nayeon put me through for the rest of the day and until we get to Sana's house. At this point, she really made sure I had no other choice, but to confess to Momo.

"That is exactly why I did it." Nayeon spoke when she pulled into the driveway of Sana's home and I wish I could scream at her, about how stupid she was, and how much she makes me want to die, but I am scared of her. Also, I am kind of thankful to her for forcing me to confess, though I will never admit to it. I am sure Nayeon already knows. She knows everything.

I close the door of the car with an attitude and angrily walk towards the door. Chaeyoung is probably already inside with Mina, so it is just me and devil spawn — Nayeon. Said devil spawn knocks on the door and we are instantly met with the smell of pot once Sana lets us is. She takes our coats and compliments my hair (I know she did not mean it though), before plopping back onto the couch with the rest of the girls. Nayeon joins them, after texting Tzuyu, and leaves me alone to glance around Sana's house.

Honestly speaking, I did not glance around Sana's house. I did not really care about how rich her parents were, or what vibe her furniture gave out, because the moment I saw Momo was not on the couch with the rest of them, all I could think about was where to find her.

Damn, all this pot smell is making me kind of thirsty. Is it normal? I do not care. All I care about is not doing drugs. Do not do drugs, seriously.

I waddle to the kitchen to help myself with some water. My steps halt and I am quickly met with Momo.

THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!

Great, there goes my poor heart.

Momo has leaned her back against the refrigerator while she is on the phone, mindlessly texting someone. She is blocking the way to the water that I have started needing way too much now, because my throat is getting dry and I am sweating and dying and... and... AND!!!!!!!

"Hey!"

SHE SPOKE? MOMO? HA. OH GOD. AM I TURNING RED? PLEASE TELL ME I AM NOT TURNING RED. I CANNOT STAND THIS HUMILIATION.

"You're alright?"

I am, it is just that I cannot speak. The words are running away from me again.

"Y-yeah."

SIGH, STOP STUTTERING!

"Cute," she chuckles. "I wondered when we'll get to spend some time just the two of us."

SHE WONDERED WHAT???????? AY DIOS MIO!!?? OH MON DIEU!

"When you blush like that, I feel like you're going to explode."

I desperately need to catch them damn words.  this game of tag, I cannot just keep staring at her like an idiot.

"What do you mean?" well, that was a great start. Just make out with me already!! "Just the two of us..."

Momo is just looking at me with a smile on her face. She knows she makes me weak, of course she knows. I bet she has done this a million times to so many other people. BUT WHY ME? WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME? ABOUT BEING ALONE? WITH ME?

"You're friends with everyone on the team, but me." she pouts and I feel like I am about to pull an Usain Bolt. I am about to catch them damned words. I cannot waste any more time rehearsing how I am going to confess my attraction to her. Besides, how I phrase it does not even matter anymore, because I am going to get rejected either way, and hate myself for the rest of my life on this stupid earth.

"Sorry."

"No," Momo moves closer. She is literally moving closer. Haha. She leaves her phone on the counter and is moving closer. Haha, are we about to make out right now? No, I am joking. But seriously, if she wants to we can. I mean, I have never done it again, but what the hell, I will just improvise. Am I rumbling? Of course I am rumbling. "I like it that you don't want to be friends."

I KNEW IT, SHE HATES ME! SHE THINKS I AM WEIRD. I do not blame her, she is popular and hot, and I am me. I am Dahyun. A sweaty, reddening Dahyun who would purchase a dictionary for feelings if it was ever available. Only with a help of a dictionary would I ever be able to put my thoughts into words when around Momo.

"You don't talk much, do you?" she laughs.

Please, I cannot take this anymore. I need to do something. I need to open my damned mouth for once and speak. Remember, Dahyun, Nayeon is right. Nayeon is always right. I got to stop being 'a ing ' and go for it. I have to. I have to win this game of tag, it is my final chance. I will never be so close to the prize again.

"Why are words needed?"

Momo looks at me puzzled, however moves closer. AGAIN! She is either going to slap me or kiss me. There is no in between.

"Why should I be stressing over what to say, when you can see it my eyes?"

OH, YES, TELL 'EM DAHYUN! I AM SO GOOD AT THIS. CHAEYOUNG WOULD BE PROUD!!

"There is no way you haven't noticed how I act around you."

There actually is no way she has not noticed. I am basically a kettle of boiling water when I am around her. If you look closely enough, you can even see the steam pouring out of my earholes. An about-to-blow-up-from-Momo's-hotness kettle.

"I like the way you think, Dubu."

DUBU? WHO IS DUBU? I AM DUBU? I HAVE A NICKNAME? OH MY— BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Dubu?"

My knees are weak. My brain is shutting down. How am I supposed to keep up with this conversation when I can basically smell her breath? (Suddenly, I no longer care about the cancerous smell of smoke)

"Your skin is so light it reminds me of dubu. Tofu."

Somebody needs to get me this feelings dictionary. I will just skip to the page I need and show it to her, so I will not have to suffer by chasing around the right words in my head. I am too close to her to even focus on that task and slowly, the words are moving out of sight. Once again, I am left behind, like a loser.

Momo steps closer. Our noses are touching and I am now convinced I have lost the game of tag. The playground is closing for the day. I have tried way too hard. So hard that I am now shutting down in front of the woman of my dreams while she smiles in my face. And I want to kiss her, I really do. I want to hold her close and be all disgusting like Nayeon and Tzuyu, but I cannot. I am not sure that this is what Momo wants. She could simply want to be my friends. Friends hug each other, keep each other close. I am a . A chicken. Call me whatever you want to call me, but I cannot seem to take the first step. Even when Momo puts her hands around my waist, I stay there. Frozen.

"It's okay, you don't have to talk."

Good. She can clearly tell I am struggling.

"I don't like talking much either."

Why are words needed? Is not my smile enough to let her know I want her. Not as an acquaintance. Not as a friend. As a lover. I want her. I want to cherish her. I want to hold her close and call her mine. Is it too much to ask? Because if it is, then I might as well stop trying, because finding the right words is inevitable. Apparently, I am the worst at the game of tag. I lose every time the words in my brain and I play.

"My tongue is great at other things. Definitely not talking though."

Words are not always needed. Feelings can be felt in other ways and as Momo pulls me into a heated kiss, I finally come to the realization that some people do not need words. Some people just know, just feel. And, finally, I can let myself go. I can finally be understood, even when I keep quiet. Even when I always end up losing the tag with words.

"Should we join the others?" she takes my hand. I nod. As simple as that.

I do not think I will need the feelings dictionary anymore. I do not need to play this useless game of tag again. Now, I do not care about not being able to find the right words. I think, Momo has got me covered. She can help me sort my thoughts with just a soft kiss. That is all I need.

On the playground that is my social life, I have decided to retire for the day. The night has rolled in and the games have stopped. Everyone is returning home, showering to get rid of the sweat and mud, and are eating a warm plate of dinner. The words can wait as long as they want to. Maybe, next time we meet on the playground, I will be the one winning. It does not matter, though. Even as a loser, I got what I wanted.