I’m here, we’re here, again at our favorite park. Doing nothing as per usual, staring at nowhere.

I feel happy and contented even with these little things. Sitting beside her. Even when she doesn’t really acknowledge my presence, no emotions between us both.

The noises I hear are all from the trees surrounding us. It seems like they want to say something but can’t. If they have the ability to talk, would they ever want to talk to me?

This woman sitting beside me, has my heart. I love her. She knows it. I know it.

I used to feel it from her. Used to.

I offered my hand and dragged her to somewhere else. We went a little further from the park. I sat down on this huge rock and took out my ‘bubble maker toy’. She loves playing with the floating bubbles so I always bring this whenever we come to the park.

I kept blowing and blowing until I lose my breath.

It’s freeing to watch the bubbles too. They can freely go with the wind, but they’re also frustrating.

They disappear all of a sudden, no warning, just gone.

I went back to her, where I left her. She’s still there, didn’t move an inch, just like a rock glued to one place.

I carried her, just like we’re in our own wedding. Spun her around. I can see every inch of her hair beautifully moving with the wind. Her face has no emotions, pure blank. Her eyes are closed, seems like she’s feeling the wind against her face.

I put her down and I told her to stay for a bit and I will be back. So I went, and walked.

I found a jasmine flower. This is her favorite. It’s actually prohibited to pick a flower here but since I do this all the time, they just don’t say anything anymore.

Once you picked out a flower, you can never put it back anyways.

I went back to where I left her. I couldn’t find her.

Where is she? Where are you, Mina? You’re missing again? Where did you go?

I went around the park. I went back from where we first sat and to every single thing we did this afternoon. I still couldn’t find her. I did this at least 3 times, maybe we just went in an opposite direction trying to find each other.

Oh, how I wish it’s just that easy.

Until I found the highway near the park.

A car passed by.

A car just passed by.

But here I am again. I sat in the middle of the road. Here I am again.

People are staring at me. They’re judging me again.

I went home. Showered. Ate. Slept. Just usual things normal people do.

After one year…

Here I am again, here we are again at this park.

I’m with her. There has been changes made with the park but still has the same aura. I saw someone familiar passed by, Jihyo. She was one of our close friends back in high school.

I greeted her. I stood up and held Mina’s hand to let her stand. Jihyo looked at my hand, at our hands. She looked back at me and let out a sigh then gave me a soft smile.

“After all these years, you still do it?”

Same line, same phrases. They are all the same, people say the same things to me.

“Jeong, please. It has been 7 years. Please stop this. You haven’t lived your life properly after what happened. Don’t stop living your life just because Mina’s gone. She’s gone, Jeongyeon. She died 7 years ago. I’m here, always. If you need anyone, we can do whatever you like. I’m really worried for you.”

I heard all of it.

I just gave her a smile and walked away. I held Mina’s hand, the woman I love the most.

7 years ago…

“Jeongyeon! Come here, let’s sit!”

My girlfriend looks so happy today. It’s actually our 3^rd anniversary and it feels so good to be loved by the woman I love the most. So, if she’s happy, what more am I?

“Isn’t it boring here, Mina? We’re not even doing anything.”

“You know what, you’re too picky. Come on, let’s go over there!”

She grabbed my hand and ran together. The wind feels amazing and the trees are swaying loudly. I think they’re happy for us as well.

“Sit over there! By that big rock. Where’s the bubble toy maker? Did you bring it? Come on! I want to play!”

She dragged me to sit by a huge rock and kept patting my pants trying to find the toy she’s looking for.

“Geez! Here, here. Calm down, minari.”

She giggled and waited for me to start blowing bubbles. She started running around. I kind of feel dizzy already with all the blowing but she looks so happy while playing so I wouldn’t want to stop. When I felt like she’s tired from running around, I stopped. I ran to her and carried her like a bride.

“You tired me out with all the blowing. Good thing, I love you huh.”

I span her around. We laughed so much. I can see her gummy smile, oh how beautiful she looks.

“Ahhh Jeongyeon, enough. I feel dizzy. Put me down.”

I put her down. I told her to stay there and do not leave. She just stuck her tongue out. She’s very childish, I know, but she’s absolutely adorable.

I went over the fence behind the park and picked a flower of jasmine. It’s her favorite flower. It’s not allowed to pick any flowers here so I am trying to be subtle about it.

“Hey you!”

Someone saw me so I started running fast back to where I left Mina. Where is she?  I can’t find her. She probably hid from me again. She loves hiding whenever she gets the chance and it has always been one of our silly games.

I saw her from my peripheral view behind the bushes near me. I can see her giggling to herself. I pretended that I haven’t seen her. I acted like I’m still looking everywhere but slowly going near the bushes.

“Boo! Found you!”

She shrieked so loud and ran away.

“You can never catch me, Jeongyeon!”

I kept running after her, around the park and again. We reached the highway; she was looking at me while running.

There’s an incoming car..

“Mina!”

Present…

I repeat everything. Every single detail every time our anniversary comes up.

Taking risks, hoping, maybe one day that I’ll be able to see her where I left her. Maybe the universe will pity me one day and bring her back.

Maybe one day, I can go back to the park with a jasmine flower in my hand and see her again. Laughing, giggling, with her gummy smile feeling the wind.

It’s dumb I know, I’ve heard it a million times.

But I can never let go of her. I love her. She’s my world, she’s my everything.

Sometimes I wonder, what if I didn’t try to get a Jasmine flower that day, would she still be with me today?

-fin-