Irene

I just arrived home from taping and surprised to see my manager and Tito Ronnie waiting for me with a worried face and so is my Mom. I approached them and kissed them both.

"What's wrong, Mom? You're here Tito magkasama lang tayo kanina ah." tanong ko sa kanila.

"You're early, Sweetheart." tanong ni Mom.

"I want to rest, Mom. With the look in your faces I know you already knew why I'm early." malungkot kong sabi.

"Irene, sweetie. I think one of your boyfriends or their friends got something to do with this." Tito Ronnie said.

"Ex boyfriends, Tito. I don't care anymore. And I don't give a damn. They can show what they want to show. Fu,ck them for all I care."

"Irene!" tawag ni Mommy.

"I'm sorry, Mom, Tito. Whatever I say, it doesn't matter anymore. It's useless to speak, my faithful supporters will understand and will always stood by me. My detractors will not believe and will always out to destroy me. So it doesn't matter to me anymore." sabi ko and I saw the look of concern in their faces. I understand them, it was just three months ago when I had my heartbreak for the nth time and now here's another blow."Don't worry, Mom, I'll be fine. Just need to take a nap. Bye Tito see you later and thank you." sabi ko at muling humalik sa kanila. As I climbed up the stairs in my room, I wanted to shout and cuss out the bastard who made that video of me making out with a guy in an exclusive bar. It was not a clear video but the caption says it's me and that ex boyfriend of mine. Was that the time when I got drunk and so wasted? I couldn't remember anymore, all I know is that when I fall in love I really fall in love. Or is it really love? Why are there people who take advantage of your love for them? Why are there people who wants to see you down and out? Why are there who can't accept me as me?

I'm in bed but couldn't sleep, I've been in too many controversies far worst than this, but why I felt so afraid now? Is it because of Seulgi? and what she might be thinking about this? Alam niya na rin kaya mga nangyari sa akin noon? Oo naman Irene, artista ka, malamang alam na niya. Sagot ng isip ko. Just then I heard my phone ringing. Jennie. She already called me earlier the minute the news came out. She's out of town for the taping of her show. And now here she is again calling me. My bestfriend.

"Hi B." I plainly answered her call.

"You home now?"

"Yeah, but can't sleep."

"Just take a rest, that issue would soon die down. Gaya ng dati." kalma niyang sabi.

"I know... I've been in much worst situation before..."

"But you seemed more concern now..." sagot niya at natahimik ako sa sinabi niya, basa na talaga niya ako. "You're worried about her, aren't you?"

"I think I don't deserve her, B" wala sa loob kong sabi.

"Why so? Because of your failed relationships? Don't you dare think like that Irene. If Seulgi thinks that she doesn't deserve you then you don't deserve her, too. Your only fault is you fell in love, B and you fell in love deep. So don't be hard on yourself. Get some sleep para mawala ang bad vibes sa utak mo. Call you later, ok. Bye B." She said and we bid goodbye. She already knew about me and Seulgi and she agreed to Seulgi, too. We have to give time to my heart.

I really can't sleep, I decided to message Seulgi.

: Seul?

; Mk?

: Busy?

; Thinking of you? YES!

Napangiti ako sa sagot niya. How I miss her now, I felt I'm out of my status as celebrity every time I'm with her, talking to her or exchanging messages with her. I felt like an ordinary person with Seulgi, I felt that the first time we met. I don't know if she already knew me back then but she never treated me as a celebrity but as an ordinary girl. Matagal ata akong nagiisip ng mag beep muli ang phone ko. 

; Kinilig ka ba kaya hindi ka agad makasagot?

: Masyado atang makapal ang suot mong jacket, ang hangin eh.

; Mahangin sa labas pero malamig sa loob ng sasakyan.

Nagulat ako sa sagot niya.

: Where are you going?

; May lakad kami ni Ron.

Sinong Suho? I was curious kaya napatawag ako.

"Hello Mk?"

"Sinong Ron at saan ang lakad niyo?" bungad ko agad and I heard her silly laugh.

"Hello Mk, wala bang Hi?" balik niya. Halata bang nagseselos ako? Bakit naman ako magseselos eh lalaki ang kasama niya.

"What's funny?" tanong ko din.

"Nothing funny but my seriously jealous Mk." sagot niya. Hindi ako umimik ayaw ko siyang patulan dahil wala ako sa mood. "S-sorry Mk." she said in an almost whisper voice.

"It's ok if you'll not answer my question. Bye now, baka nakakaistorbo na ako sa inyo at sa lakad niyo." sagot ko na lang.

"Hindi!" Habol niya "Hindi ka naman nakakaistorbo Mk. Sorry na, ok? Si Ron driver ko. May lalakarin kasi kami at medyo malayo layo kaya sabi ni Tatay kailangan ko daw ng driver."

"Ganon ba? Tama naman eh. You shouldn't be driving alone." nasabi ko na lang. Gusto kong itanong kung saan sila pupunta pero nahihiya ako.

"Malungkot ata ang Mk ko ah, may problema ba?" pansin niya sa akin.

"Just tired, I little sleep would be good... I hope."

"Nasa bahay ka na?"

"Yes, dito na ko sa kwarto. I wanted to get some sleep pero hindi ako makatulog."

"Gusto mo kantahan kita?" malambing niyang alok. Hindi ako makaimik.

"Hindi ba nakakahiya sa driver mo?" tanong ko.

"Ayos lang yon, sanay na siya sa boses ko." and she laughed. I missed her laughter, her bedimpled smile, her eyes. I miss her. Just missing her.

"Seul." tawag ko na parang sobrang miss ko siya.

"Huwag mo akong tawagin sa ganyang tono Mk. Baka liparin kita diyan."

"Would you, Seul?" tanong ko pati ako nagulat sa pagtawag ko sa kanya. Bakit ko nasabi yon?

"Oo naman, kahit hindi mo sabihin. Tawagin mo lang ako sa ganyang tono, sige ka." sabi niya at napangiti ako.

"Will you ever love me as me, Seul?" wala sa loob kong tanong.

"Minahal kita bilang ikaw, bilang si Irene Bae dash Kang." pilya niyang sagot.

"What!?"

"Ay erase erase muna pala yong dash Kang, masyadong advance ang isip ko. Paumanhin Binibini." sabay tawa niyang sabi at narinig kong natawa din ang kasama niya. 

"Are you sitting in the passenger's seat?" tanong ko.

"Oo, Mk. Huwag kang mag-alala barkada ko na si Ron. Huwag ka ng magselos Mk." sabi niyang mahinang natatawa.

"Hindi ako nagseselos." depensa ko.

"O siya sige sabi mo eh, matulog ka na, sige na kakantahan na kita." she said then I heard her cleared as if preparing to sing.

"Hush now little babe" intro niya.

"Hey, Seul am I your little babe?" tanong ko sa kanya at umayos na rin ako ng higa.

"Ah, ok sige palitan natin" sagot niya.

"Hush now Mahal ko. The evening's grown older"

"Seul, hindi pa naman gabi." sagot ko gusto ko siyang pikunin pero parang balewala lang sa kanya.

"O sige Mk, baguhin ulit natin."

"Hush now, Mahal ko.The afternoon's grown older

A day standing frozen

Cold hearts are colder

You think you were right

But no one would listen

Don't worry Mahal ko

They don't know what they're missing

World turning round, turning round

Turning over and over again

Sleep now Mahal koI'll sing you a lullabye.There's no need to listen

But Mahal ko don't you cry

This world is getting older

Older by the day

I'll see you around Mk

I hope you'd stay

Her voice soothes me, calms me. I don't know but I felt tears fell from my closed eyes but with smile in my lips. I felt scared of the thought that what if I could never hear her voice again. What if she realizes that I'm no good for her. Paulit ulit kong naririnig ang boses ni Seulgi hanggang hindi ko namalayang nakatulog na pala ako habang nasa tenga ko ang cellphone at yakap si Papi.

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I woke up and remembered Seulgi. I immediately searched for my cellphone and when I got hold on to it ay dead batt na. Nakatulugan ko siya, hindi niya pinutol ang connection? Tanong ko sa isip koI charged my phone in the powerbank. Mula ng makilalakita Seulgi kahit na nasa bahay ay nagagamit ko na ang powerbank ko na hindi ko nagagawa noon. Ganon na ba katindi ang nararamdaman ko sa yo? tanong ko sa sarili ko.

I messaged her.

: Hey, how are you?

; Hi Mk, kagigising mo lang? Effective ang lullaby ko ah, ang haba ng tulog mo.

: Is it alright to call, busy ka ba?

Tanong ko after a few seconds nagring ng phone ko. Siya ng tumawag.

"Hello Seul, sorry I slept on you." I said in a low voice.

"Ok lang yon, maigi nga at nakatulog ka ng mahaba haba, hinihintay ko ngang tawagin mo ang pangalan ko eh pero hindi mo naman tinawag siguro may iba kang kayakap ano?" sabi niya kunwang nagtatampo. 

"Oo, meron." mahina kong sagot.

"Ha! Sino?" she asked in a worried voice and I simply smiled.

"Si Papi."

"Sinong Papi yan?" tanong niya sa mataas na boses.

"Selos ka?"

"Sagutin mo muna ako." balik niya.

"Selos ka nga?"

"Bakit nasa kwarto mo? Hindi ba sabi mo ako lang at best friend mo natutulog diyan sa kwarto mo?"

"Oo atsaka si Papi."

"Sino ngang Papi yan?" seryoso na niyang tanong.

"Selos ka nga kay Papi?" biro ko na sa kanya and I heard her sighed.

"Panda Pillow." sagot ko na.

"Ha?!" gulat niyang tanong.

"Yong bigay mong panda pillow, ang haba naman kasi ng panda pillow kaya papi na lang." paliwanag ko and I heard her laugh.

"Bakit papi naman pangalan niya. Panda Seulgi yan." sabi niya.

"Bigay mo na yon sa akin kaya I have the right to call it what I want." depensa ko at narinig ko na siyang sumuko.

"Maghahapunan na, hindi ka pa ba nagugutom?"

"Yeah, I'll get down in a few. Thanks Seul. I just had a good sleep indeed. Baka wala na akong itutulog mamaya." pabiro kong sabi.

"E di kakantahan ulit kita." sagot niya. Hindi agad ako nakasagot.

"Ok then, I better get my cellphone fully charged para mamaya. Later again?" tanong ko.

"Oo naman, kahit ilang beses pa." sagot niya.

"You won't get tired, Seul?"

"Saan?"

"Singing me to sleep?"

"Mapapagod ka bang makinig?"

"No... Never." sagot ko.

"Ganon din ako Mk."

"I'm not perfect, Seul."

"Bakit ako ba perpekto? Abnormal nga daw ako sabi ng ibang tao."

"Seul. What I mean is I'm... I... I think I don't... deserve you."

"Huwag kang mag alala Mk yan din ang pinagaalala ko. Iniisip ko baka hindi ako karapat dapat sa'yo."

"You don't understand Seul!" biglang taas na ng boses ko. Siguro mas mabuti ng matapos na ngayon kesa tumagal pa at mas lalong lumalim ang nararamdaman namin sa isa't isa.

"Hindi ko kailangan intindihin ang malinaw na nakikita ng puso ko." sa mahinahon niyang sagot.

"Don't pretend that you don't know anything about me." 

"Hindi ko sinabing wala akong alam tungkol sa'yo."

"And you don't even care? Hindi mo kailangan gawin ito dahil naaawa ka sa akin. That's the last thing I want from anyone."

"Hindi kita kailangan kaawaan dahil kung titingnan natin mas mahina pa ako sa'yo, Irene."

"You can leave me if you want Seul, don't pretend to be nice just because I'm hurting."

"Hindi kita kailangan damayan dahil alam kong kaya mo. Gusto kitang damayan dahil gusto kong maramdaman kung kailangan mo ako.

"Seul." mahina kong tawag narinig ko siyang humugot ng malalim na hininga na parang pinipigilan ang sariling umiyak.

"Palaban ka Irene, sa lahat ng bagay, maging sa pag ibig. Kaya mo kahit nasasaktan ka, hindi ka takot mag mahal muli. Pero ako mahina ako, Irene. Sa'yo ko lang nararamdaman na malakas ako, takot akong muling umibig pero sa'yo ko lang natutunang magtapat muli. A-alam ko kaya mo kahit wala ako sa tabi mo... P-pero hindi ko alam kung kakayanin kong mawala ka sa sistema ko. Nasanay na ako, kaya kahit kaibigan lang kaya kong tanggapin, kahit taga awit mo lang sa pagtulog, taga asar mo, mapikon lang kita kumpleto ng araw ko. Pero ang sabihin mong hindi ka karapat dapat sa akin para lang lumayo ako sa'yo, huwag naman ganon. Sabihin mo na lang ng deretsa sa harap ko na ayaw mo na sa akin at lalayo ako sa'yo. O kaya kahit ngayon na, sabihin mo na kung hindi mo kaya ng personal. Makikinig ako." she said tenderly but I can feel her hurting.

"Seul. That's not what I meant."

"Pero bakit gusto mo akong lumayo sa'yo?" tanong niya muli. Hindi na ako nakaimik and it was my turn to sigh.

"Di ba mahal kita at gusto mo ako? Kung nagbago na ang damdamin mo dahil may mahal ka ng iba, hindi kita ikukulong sa pagmamahal ko Irene, magpaparaya ako. Pero kung ang dahilan mo ay ang mga pinagdaanan mo o nakaraan mo kahit pa ipagtabuyan mo ako ipagsisiksikan ko pa rin ang sarili ko sa'yo. Tandaan mo yan." and the call ended, hindi ko alam kung pinutol niya para mailabas niya ang pinipigil niyang iyak dahil her voice is already trembling. What have you done Irene? Biglang kong naisip noon pinagtatabuyan niya ako pero kumapit pa rin ako sa kanya, ngayon tinataboy ko siya pero kapit din siya. Nag away na naman kami. Pero seryosong away ito. I stared at my phone for I don't know how long. Then it beeped with a message.

; Sorry Irene, hindi ko sinasadyang babaan ka ng tawag. Huwag mo sanang kalilimutang kumain. Goodnight.

Goodnight na agad? Nataranta na ako kaya bigla akong tawag.

"H-hello?" sagot niya after 3 rings.

"Hey, did you cry?" I asked worriedly dahil iba ang boses niya. She didn't answer, that's a yes. "Sorry Seul."

"Ayos lang, nalinisan naman ang mga mata ko." sagot niya and I heard a silent laugh from the background.

"Are you guys still on the road?" takang tanong ko.

"Oo paalis na kami pabalik ng probinsiya." sagot niya habang sumisinghot. She really did cry.

"Bakit saan ba kayo galing bakit pabalik pa lang kayo?" tanong ko but she didn't answer. "Seul." tawag kong may diin ang boses.

"S-sa bahay niyo, nakapark lang kami doon sa harap ng gate niyo kanina." Sagot niya and I felt my heart jumped. She's here?! What the? How? Sunod sunod kong tanong pero hindi ko maipaliwanag ang sayang nararamdaman ko.

"Why didn't you tell me?! Bakit hindi ka bumaba? I mean why did you just stayed there outside?!" sunod sunod ko ng tanong sa kanya.

"I-inaway mo ako eh." sagot na niya na parang bata. Arghh.

"Turn around and come back this very instant Seulgi!" sigaw ko na but she didn't answer. What the? "Are you listening to me?!" sigaw tanong ko.

"Oo" tipid niyang sagot, I felt guilty for how I acted and how I raised my voice at her.

"Just please turn around and come back, Seul." mahinahon kong ng pakiusap. Kinakabahan ako sa isasagot niya. I heard her sigh.

"Sige." mahina niyang sagot and end the call. In that instant I jumped off from bed and headed to the door. Then I stopped, huwag kang pahalatang excited Irene, paaalala ko sa sarili ko, so I went to the bathroom fix myself to assure that I look simply irresistible, I mean presentable pala. I took my time getting out of my room and descending the stairs para hindi obvious na excited. I'm just wearing ripped short shorts and a loose white v-neck shirt. When I finally got down the stairs I heard my Mom talking to someone, I know Suzy is still in Batangas checking the brewery. And as I went nearer the voice is becoming clearer, a man's voice.

"Oh here she is." rinig kong sabi ni Mom and I saw a stranger's face.

"Good evening Miss Irene. Ako po si Ron." pakilala niya sa sarili and I looked around but couldn't find Seulgi. Nginitian ko lang siya and nod.

"Hello Ron. Where's Seulgi?" tanong ko at nagkatinginan sila ni Mommy.

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