I woke up today and I missed Chanyeol. It was strange because I hadn't thought about him in a while. Not as much, at least.

It had something to do with a dream that I had, I think. In my dream we used to date, and towards the end of the dream I gathered up the courage to contact him again. I was excited, and proud of myself for taking that step, and I felt that way even after I woke up. Until I remembered that we had never actually dated.

Chanyeol was the love of my life, which was kind of sad because he never knew it. We used to be friends. Not best friends, but decent friends, never really intimate, so it was a bit strange that I loved him so much. I just couldn't help it.

It was all in my head, I used to tell myself, just an imagination, ual frustration because he was handsome, and he was, but it was more than that. Years later, I still dreamt about him.

So now I was sitting at a crappy diner, staring at my phone, at his name, trying to come up with a reason to call him. Though I didn't even know if he still used the same number.

It wouldn't be weird if I just sent him a text, I told myself, asked him how he was doing, and I almost did. But then I remembered that issue wasn't really whether I was weird or not, it was more that it had taken me years to get to the point where I didn't think about him every day, so nothing good would come of contacting him now.

Normally, I'm a rash person, I act before I think and it always gets me in trouble. But when it comes to Chanyeol, I am a coward, I have always been a coward.

That was also true today, and I sighed and put away my phone. It was just because of the dream, I reminded myself, just a weak moment in time and space. Tomorrow everything would turn back to normal and I would forget about him. Or at least be able to pretend that I had.

I paid for dinner on the way out, and zipped up my jacket. It was cold for autumn and I wished that I was wearing my thick coat.

Although I had been planning to walk home, it was very chilly so I considered taking the bus. A gust of wind convinced me, and I was about to turn around, when I heard my name.

“Baekhyun-ah...”

I froze, and this time it wasn't because of the weather, but because of the voice.

“Byun Baekhyun!”

Turning around, I saw a very tall man approach me from the other side of the road. The man I had been thinking about all day.

“Uh... Chanyeol-ah,” I forced myself to smile, even though I was in shock.

“How long has it been?” He said, and smiled, making him so handsome that it knocked the air out of my lungs.

“Long.” I managed to stutter.

“Do you live close by?”

“Sort of... I was on my way back from work.”

“Ah, I see.” He smiled. “If you're not doing anything, do you maybe want to grab a beer? Catch up?”

Still in shock, I just nodded.

I followed him off the main street, to the third floor of some building, where there was a bar. It was quiet, on a normal week night, and we got a nice table in the back corner, with plenty of privacy.

“Funny to run into you like that!” He claimed with a big smile.

Nodding, I couldn't help thinking it was fate, but I hadn't made up my mind if it was cruel fate or not. The waiter came over, and we ordered beers and some side dishes.

“So... Do you live in this neighborhood?” I asked, just to make small talk, not because I wanted to stalk him.

“Actually, yes! I moved here about a month ago.”

As I listened to his troubles about finding an apartment, I had the chance to look at him, really look at him, and he was beautiful.

Back in the University he had already been incredibly handsome, tall and athletic, and a bit gangly. Now he clearly worked out, because he was more muscular compared to back then, he had filled out, grown into his height, so he was big and strong and manly and perfect. But it wasn't only his body, his face was more mature now, making him even more handsome than he had been, and I liked those little wrinkles that formed by his eyes when he smiled. I liked everything about him.

Completely caught up in his story and his appearance, I barely even noticed how the warmth spread through my body, until it had overtaken me. My heart was fluttering, feeling lighter than it had felt in months, and somehow I was just happy. Being close to him, listening to him talk about nothing, inexplicably made me happy.

This thing about falling in love was something I had never understood. It didn't make sense to me, why I would fall in love with a certain guy, and not the next, even though he was just as handsome, just as good of a person. And I certainly had never understood why I had fallen so hard for Park Chanyeol.

He was handsome, that was certain, and tall, so back then I had just assumed that I had a thing for tall guys. For a while, I had dated nothing but tall men, really tall men, some even taller than Chanyeol, but none of them made me feel the way he did. Eventually I had learned that it was better if they were not tall, that way they reminded me less of him.

The whole process of falling in love seemed random, meaningless. If there was a god, I kind of hated him for this, for cruelly playing with people's hearts, making them fall in love without any regards for ual orientation or compatibility. It was such a sadistic thing to do. But at the same time I was grateful, because just sitting here and looking at him made me feel better than I had felt in a while. In a really long while.

“What do you do for a living?” He asked me.

“I'm... working on developing video games.”

“That suits you.” Chanyeol laughed. “How is it?”

“It's okay.” I smiled. “And you?”

“Lawyer.”

“It suits you too.” It did. “Still a sore loser?”

“Very!” He laughed and my heart danced along with the sound of it. “So I try to avoid losing.”

“Uhm... Married?” I asked, against my better judgement. It was probably better that I didn't know.

But he shook his head. “Not yet... How about you?”

“No...” I hesitated, and then admitted: “Actually, I'm gay now.”

I figured it was better to be straight about it, since some of our mutual friends might have told him about it already.

“Now?” He smirked and took a sip of his beer. “I thought you always were.”

“You knew?” I blushed.

“Yeah, it was pretty obvious.” He smiled.

“Oh.” I wasn't sure how to feel about that, back then I hadn't told any of my friends and I had been very careful of hiding it. Sighing, I just blurted out: “Actually... I kind of had a crush on you... for a while.”

“I know.”

Completely stunned, my jaw dropped down to my chest, and my heart went into overload.

Unexpectedly, Chanyeol laughed. “Byun Baekhyun, speechless. Who would have thought this day would ever come?”

“But I was so careful!” This was very unfair.

“Yeah, no worries, you weren't super obvious or anything like that. I don't think anyone else knew.” Feeling very happy with himself, Chanyeol took a big sip of his beer. “Back then my ego was kind of... huge. So I really liked keeping tabs on what girls were attracted to me...”

Many, was the answer to that. So many.

“...But then I picked up the same kind of signals from you, so...”

“I'm... sorry.” I said.

“Don't worry. It's not a bad thing.” He smiled. “I'm sorry for having been obnoxious about it.”

I just nodded, wondering if he was picking up any of those signals now, because I was definitely sending them out.

“So... Are you dating anyone now?”

“No...” I answered. “Not now.” I hesitated, and asked: “You?”

“No... not now.” He smiled and I smiled back.

I told myself it didn't mean anything that he was single, that it didn't change anything, but it still made me happy.

Putting everything on the table, opened up a floodgate. I had always been reserved around him, unless we were in a group, but now I had nothing to hide anymore, so talking to him suddenly became incredibly easy, amazingly fun. Every minute that I spent with him made me realize how much I had missed him. Even though it didn't make much sense because we had never been that close, even after all these years I still missed him.

Which was probably why I drank too fast, I had never been good with alcohol, and I was quickly under the influence.

We decided to call it a night, and somehow he decided to walk me home. Since I was drunk he wanted me to be safe. I wasn't that drunk, but still, I didn't object.

Probably, the wind was just as cold as it had been earlier in the evening, but now I couldn't feel it. I pretended that the beers were the reason, but deep down I knew that it was being close to Chanyeol that kept me warm.

We talked on the way, remembering our university years, our old friends, and we laughed almost constantly. I didn't even remember how long it had been since I laughed this hard. The walk that probably took twenty minutes, but it felt like the blink of an eye, and then we were in front of my big and ugly apartment building.

“I had fun tonight.” He said, once we stopped.

“Me too.” I blushed, because Chanyeol was standing very closely, and he was very tall.

I expected him to say goodbye, and I was wondering whether it was a good idea or not to confirm his contact information.

But instead of leaving, he hesitated and bit down on his lower lip. His lip that was the perfect amount of plump.

“Baekhyun-ah...” He started.

“Mmh...” I answered with a smile, because I liked his voice, it was warm and y. Most of all y.

“I... kind of have a confession to make.”

“Oh?”

“Since you opened up to me earlier, I should probably admit that I'm... that I'm... bi.”

My eyes opened up, and for a second it felt like this was still a dream, that I had never actually woken up and the entire day was just me continuing to dream.

“Have you... ever... dated a man?” I started very hesitantly.

“No.”

“Have you ever... been with a man...” Then to ensure that there was no ambiguity, I added: “...ually?”

“No.” He repeated.

“Then how are you bi?” I wasn't sure what he was thinking, maybe he was trying to make me feel better about being gay by joining me half way, but whatever his reasoning was, it wasn't helping. It really wasn't helping.

He groaned a little. “So if you had never slept with a guy, you wouldn't be gay?”

“Well... yes of course I would...”

“It's not really about what you do, is it? It's about how you feel.”

“And you... feel... bi?” I had a difficult time processing this.

“Yes.”

“So you've had... feelings towards men?”

“Yes.”

“Many... men?”

“Not many... some.”

“Some.” I repeated idiotically, not sure how to deal with this enormous news.

“Actually... Back in Uni, I think I... had a crush on you.”

“You... think?” Suddenly my knees weren't working very well.

“Yeah... Back then I didn't know, but I realized later that it was a crush, when I felt similarly towards... other men.”

“And you never did anything about it?”

“Nah... those crushes I had weren't very serious, so I just figured it was easier to keep dating girls.”

“Oh.” I looked down to the pavement, my dreams completely crushed.

“But... if it's with you... I want to try.”

“Huh?” I sharply looked up.

“Seeing you again... brought back old feelings, so if you feel the same way, I would like to ask you out on a date.”

“What if you decide that you don't like dating men?” The coward in me asked.

“What if I decide that I do like it?”

My stomach turned over completely.

“These things are never certain, but I would like to try? I had fun tonight and I like you, so I would like to try?”

“Okay.” I replied, because it was not like I could say anything else.

He smiled, and I smiled, and it was so disgustingly sweet, I would have barfed had I not been busy swooning over his big beautiful eyes that were looking directly into mine.

Very awkwardly we exchanged contact info, and it turned out that he had changed his number.

“Oh... well.” He smiled.

“Oh... well.” I smiled like an idiot, delaying the inevitable, not caring that work tomorrow would be hell on very limited sleep.

“I really did have fun tonight.” He admitted earnestly.

“Me too.”

Then something magical happened.

Chanyeol moved closer, and closer, bending down, and then he kissed me, softly. Two sets of frozen lips creating fireworks.

Afterwards he smiled and I loved him. It didn't make any sense, but I still loved him. Had always loved him.

“Still want to go through with it?” I asked cheekily, hiding how I had been swept away by the most chaste, innocent kiss.

“Now, more than ever.” He said cockily, winked at me and said goodbye, and then he was gone.

I watched him disappear into the night, and then I sighed and went into my apartment building.

I was lucky that it was past midnight, so none of my neighbors were around, because I was smiling like an idiot. Like a complete idiot. I felt young again, hopeful, like I finally had something to hope for, to look forward to.

The elevator finally arrived, and I went inside, and before I had reached my floor, I had already received a message from him, from Chanyeol.

'How about next Saturday?'

I squealed like a high school girl in love and immediately answered:

'Yes.'

While internally screaming: A thousand times, a million times yes.