Have you ever felt so suffocated by love that you can't help but want to continuously be drowned in it all the time?

To have a love story so perfect, so real and so pure that it makes you question "Is this real life or am I just dreaming?" 

To constantly ask the universe that if it is a dream to let you sleep forever, to let you dream forever because you never want to wake up from the perfection of the love you feel.

But…

I have lost love so many times— so many ing times that I wanted to just give it up completely, I wanted to always just be over with it yet something inside me always lit up, a flame.

A flame that always got smaller and smaller with every single hit it was given, every person that came by— I tried to love but it wasn't ever them, they always just hurt me in the end. Oh how stupid of me.

In my last relationship— I lost so much of myself and my heart was taken and thrown somewhere I couldn't even find it anymore, the flame was out and no light came again. It was cold, empty and scary. Yet at the same time so refreshing and freeing because I didn't want it to light up again.

I never searched again, I vowed that I would stop completely searching for love because I was happy and alone for once. Yes the darkness was there, but no pain came from it. 

It was just me, myself and I. Just the way I liked it.

Gosh, I'm glad that was the end of love for me… or so I thought it was.

After almost 2 years of being single, being lost and convincing myself that I didn't need anyone but myself, she came in.

I met her so unexpectedly— we talked, we smiled, we laughed, we played, we called. It went on for 11 months, almost a year and then it happened.

The flame lit up again, the warmth took over my chest and it was so hard to breathe, it sent goosebumps throughout my whole body. 

"Oh gosh, not again please." Is what I thought at that very moment, the anxiousness arose and my fears set in.

I tried to light it out and it was gone for a minute, I let out a breath of relief but then it appeared again. ", go away please." Is what I always chanted in that very moment in my head repeatedly.

As much as I tried to light it out, as much as I tried to hide it and pour water on that flame, it never gave up. It was like the flame was protected from everything. 

How cruel does life want to be with me?

Who knows, but this isn't the way I want to be punished, so why me?

"I don't want to love again, so please heart let's go back to the darkness we love, I'm begging you." I tried talking to my heart but then I realized— my eyes widened, I put a hand on my heart and then I felt the heartbeats. My phone dinged, I picked it up with my free hand and there it was, a notification from the culprit that caused all this. 

Joohyun — Good morning, Seungwannie.

I felt my heartbeats quicken as I continued to reread the message over and over again in my head. 

Seungwan: My heart..

Is the only thing that slipped out of my mouth softly, the realization set in completely, I could feel my heart again. I have it back, I had the old me back and I just never realized it until now. She was the cause of all this— the cause of bringing my heart and the real me back.

The weird warmth I felt each morning, the random smiles I always had, the random giggles I let out, the racing heartbeats I always felt— it was all her.

Seungwan: So, you wanna love again?

I told my heart softly, I let out a smile and that was the start of it all. The woman that goes by Bae Joohyun took all of me in the span of 11 months, then fear set in.

After a few weeks— I tried to act normal with her, we flirted and I always got my hopes up. It triggered the flame to grow and grow, it was just constantly taking over my chest, that warm feeling.

At the same time, Fear always took control, I always wondered what I should do, but then one afternoon, all my questions and concerns were washed away by one big message.

Joohyun – Hey Son Seungwan…

Joohyun – I know we've only known each other for 11 months now, almost a year but I just can't take it anymore. You are a wonderful person, just amazing and very gorgeous. It feels l