It was a surprise that he visited my place after almost two weeks of not seeing each other, like completely both of us were out of each others' sight. And on the phone, three or four chat bubbles and our conversation ends. I am very grateful he went and visited me. God knows how much I miss this man. His scent, his presence, his warm hugs, his breathing, his voice, his... everything that I miss. I am longing to be by his side after that major fight we had. I am a er for this man, head over heels swept. Even with all the lies he feed me up.
We stayed in the couch for the heaven knows how long, cuddling each other like we are on our nests warming up our bodies that once became cold of each others' existence, minus the intimacy. This is very much us, at home, with the large screen television playing random movie we are not really minding of. Listening to each others' breath, giggling over the tickles we do to each other, couple random I love you's. But something is missing. Something scratched both of us halfway you also would question why there is a thin air of gap between us even if our bodies are glued together?
I let go of that strange thought consuming me. I closed my eyes and lay my cheek on his chest, not wanting to let go. Not wanting to end this scene I am craving for how many days now.
What I didn't realize was I am letting out a heavy sigh as I think of this questionable air between us, like someone wants to pull me away from him... completely.
I am battling my own insecurities off my head when I heard my boyfriend speak, his tone explicitly showing signs of disturbance and uneasiness. No, please don't. Not now.
"I think it is best for you to let me go" Oh, God. Don't start that sh*t on me. I tighten my arms around him, indirectly protesting whatever he is starting.
"I think I don't deserve you anymore. I'm an who let go of a diamond, and I don't think you deserve someone like me".
I know where this would lead. I saw everything. Someone gave me all the answers to my insecurities couple of days ago. That scenario kept playing in my head. No. Please don't.
I shut my eyes fighting the tears from crawling down my cheeks, I calculated my breath to suffocate that feeling that is about to burst out.
I felt his hand on my arm, trying to dismantle it away him. I started to sob.
"No... no. I don't want. I-if you're breaking up with me b-because of that, know that I still accept you. I know why you did it. I am lacking affection, time, attention towards you. Please let me do it again. I'll give you time and e-everything just.. please don't... leave me". He was successful unclasping my arms from his torso as I blab everything. I am willing to press replay if it means he will stay with me. I need him.
"Bom, you don't deserve someone like me. You don't deserve to cry over me". He argued.
"Seunghyun... i understand. I still accept you. Whatever it was that you did with her. I know you didn't love her. You were blackmailed. I'll wait until she accepts that you'll come back to me". I am a mess and an idiot but i don't care. Seunghyun maybe did wrong but I love him.
"I love you. And I don't want you to wait for me. You'll find someone better, more deserving than this sh*thole me. Please don't cry" his warm hand swipe off the tears running like a river on my face. My eyes still closed, not wanting to see the reality in front of me. The person I love, letting me go because I didn't deserve him. No. You still deserve me.
"S-seunghyun.... I c-cant. I can't. You are my world. I...i can't. Oh, God. I can't, Seunghyun". I really can't. Loosing him means I'll loose myself.
"Bom, Mina is pregnant. 8 weeks. I can't leave her. Even if I want to, I can't". I feel like I was floating mid-air about this revelations. This one I didn't know. I knew they were meeting each other but not him doing with her. My sobs went louder as I finally burst out. The disappointments, the lies, the reality. I really wanna wake up from this nightmare.
I opened my eyes and watch him watch me cry in pain. So, this is real. His eyes looking directly at mine, which by now are sore from the crying. I am executing. His eyes show how he was disappointed and sorry about himself. I cannot be mad right now, all I am feeling is disappointment, too. I trust him so much but he broke me beyond pieces. I feel like everything turned into dust. The memories, the years, the love, all of it.
I clutched on to my chest to stop this heavy gasps my body is doing. "I am... I am still willing to wait you. Once the baby is born you'll get back to me, right? That was an accident. I understand. D-don't leave me yet, please. Seunghyun..." I am in complete disarray, I don't care. All I think of is to keep him with me. Even if it means I'll play dumb.
"Bom. You became too dependent of me. I am not worthy. You deserve better. You can live without me. You survived two weeks. You are stronger than that" Seunghyun wiped my tears and continued. "I am going to be a father soon, I need to face this. I am loosing you, more of you loosing me. You found me while I am a trash, nothing knew happened aside from the disappointment I made myself. I'm still an . You are a gem, a keeper. I am not worthy, Bom. Stop crying, do not lose that beauty of yours for me. I love you, but this mistake I made... I wanna do it right".
My sobs continued as my chest heave up and down to grasp for more air. I closed my eyes again before I throw myself on Seunghyun. This time, I know I will let him go. I am trying to keep up, accept all the facts presented before me. I know tomorrow there will be no 'us' anymore. Our story have ended. I don't know when my new one will start. But before ours end, give me this one last time.
Just one more time. And I'll let you free.