They met when they were both in high school.

 

 

Seungwan was the class’ happy pill, spilling laughter as her sunshine and sprouting the most nonsensical jokes for everyone to hear about. Sometimes, she’d bake cupcakes and give them to her friends. When she’s bored, she’d hum a little tune, under her breath or out loud, and someone beside her would tell her that her voice is golden. She doesn’t believe it too much; she knows her skill has more space for improvement. Nonetheless, both corners of tug upward at the compliment, her lower lip bitten as she’s thoroughly abashed. When she’d recover, she’d make sure to return a confident, “I know, right?” with finger guns and a flirty wink, prompting that someone of a fond eye roll that would make both of them chuckle.

 

 

Everybody loved Seungwan. Who wouldn’t?

 

 

Nobody–

 

 

Except maybe the quiet girl in the back who she rarely sees smiling.

 

 

Seungwan had personally made it a mission to see her smile. She can’t explain it, the otherworldly force that whispers in her ear to blurt out a funny joke around her, or the invisible tug in her limbs to make a move and be close to her.

 

 

It is true that she rarely smiles. But when she does, boy, does Seungwan think she’d go blind.

 

 

She supposes, maybe the other things she does takes away the time she needs to smile. She’s one of the class’ top students, after all. Most of the time, Seungwan would see her hunched on a chair near the window, a book clasped tightly against her small hands. Sometimes, the glasses she wears perched on her nose would slide down, and Seungwan would silently smile to see her mindlessly push the eyepiece back as her brows simultaneously furrow at the hot streak of words that she finds intriguing.

 

 

And now that Seungwan mentioned it, she keeps to herself a lot.

 

 

But it’s not like she’s blocked the world from the tiny one she made for herself. She talks to everyone who greets her every morning. She can adequately communicate when she wants to — relay her idea when put in a group.

 

 

She has a small circle of friends, two friends to be exact, people Seungwan knows have been with her through the bumps life could throw at a 17-year-old teenager. Her friends are loud, the type of loud that was more likely to be associated with Seungwan, the type of people who go to parties and be greeted by everyone. It was a wonder how they made sense together, the contrast was jarring, but they made it work.

 

 

It made Seungwan wonder, maybe, just maybe, she could be a part of this unique circle too.

 

 

And that’s how the story starts.

 

 

When they end up becoming partners for a small lab activity, Seungwan takes every chance she gets to ask her questions that may have or may have not been involved with the project. It was for one hour, they only had one worksheet to fill, and Seungwan thanked the heavens she had a way with her words. She considered herself lucky she was known as the bubbly and friendly Seungwan, because then she could use it as an excuse to strike up a conversation the next times they were within each other’s periphery.

 

 

They become acquaintances, friends, they become close.

 

 

Most days Seungwan would bake a little extra, top the cupcake with purple icing, just exactly like she wants because she thinks it’s pretty and it’s her favorite.

 

 

She could still feel the buzz she feels from within, the harmless flutter in her heart that seems to consume her whole when she would make the little giggle that she lets out when Seungwan opens a special box where her purple cupcakes are.

 

 

She learns her love for dance too.

 

 

When Seungwan’s bored, she sings.

 

 

When she’s bored, or frustrated, or unfocused– she dances.

 

 

It’s all the little things, Seungwan notes, that she remembers the most about her.

 

 

“I like it when you take care of me, Seungwannie,” she drunkenly utters, when they’re already off to college and Seungwan was old enough to have realized, accepted, that she was bound to a love she willingly trapped herself in.

 

 

“I like it when I don’t even have to say anything, and you’d know what’s wrong,” Seungwan hears her sigh as she softly tucks her blanket to her chin, gently smoothing out the stray strands that cover her closed eyes.

 

 

Her hands encloses Seungwan’s wrist, and she already knows she has more to say. “I wish he could be like this to me, you know? Understand me as much as you do.”

 

 

To that Seungwan faintly hears the muted cry of her heart, and she separates her skin from hers, as if it would silence the pain that was dimly ringing in her chest.

 

 

“You know it’s a misunderstanding, babe. He would’ve known if you told him.”

 

 

Seungwan had to be the friend she’d need. Be the clarity that could help their currently muddled relationship. Besides, she knew he was good for her. As long as she was happy, right?

 

 

“But I wouldn’t have to if he were you.”

 

 

Ouch.

 

 

There wasn’t anything poetic Seungwan could muster inside her mind. Not a single thought, but that at this moment, her heart shattered. It could have been loud, it could be a string of words, like, “Then, why can’t it be me?” or “I’m too ing tired hoping! I wish you could just make it come true.”

 

 

But of course, she chooses silence. She wouldn’t want to put her in a difficult position. Or that Seungwan was too afraid.

 

 

So.

 

 

 

When do most stories really start?

 

 

 

…Most stories start with a beginning.

 

 

 

It’s just that for Seungwan, everything started where it ended.

 

 

---

 

 

If there was anything someone has to know about Son Seungwan now that she has to act like an adult, it’s that her life is a huge case of a cliché. She’s a huge cliché. A character out of an angsty fiction.

 

 

Good at everything? Yes. (According to everyone else.)

 

 

Insanely rich? Yes.

 

 

Rich because of parents’ fortune? Yes.

 

 

Does she want to go her own way to prove herself? Yes.

 

 

Does she want to prove herself entirely because she wants to be successful on her own, or because she promised herself she doesn’t want to be like the family she’s grown to despise?

 

 

That can’t be answered by a yes, but yes, she wants everything to do with being her and nothing to do with being a Son— if that makes sense. Her childhood had been spent with people not her own blood, people her parents pay to take care of her instead of doing so themselves– people she could call her family more.

 

 

Now, is she stupidly in love with a person who considers her “the best soulmate any woman could ever ask for?”

 

 

Yes.

 

 

That’s why she’s on her way out of the airport, hastily picking up a single bag she managed to bring as she strides as fast as her tiny legs could to clear the distance between the building and the car.

 

 

The car that would take her to her.

 

 

As much as she'd deny, she missed her best friend.

 

 

Because as if life couldn’t get any more cliché, her father suddenly calls her days after graduation, requesting she work for the family business.

 

 

Not in a million years would she have given in and succumbed to her father’s wishes— but his breaths were counted, that much she could tell by the cadence of his words to the missing gruffness of his voice that she distinctly remembers. Her father was dying.

 

 

And she realized her heart softened still, as the old man wished they could be back to how they were, back to when he hadn’t forgotten his children.

 

 

It’s been a year since then, when Seungwan shed but one tear on the day of her father’s passing and stayed when her brother asked so. She’d hope she’d outgrow her silly crush that grew into something more throughout the years.

 

 

She’d hoped her absence could make her heart grow less fond.

 

 

That her voice on nights that were cold would not be warm enough to reach her. That her new obsession for pink would mean she’d changed and maybe it would be time Seungwan did too.

 

 

But then again, she only hoped, and was not prepared, to hear she would be bound to someone not her, that she could possibly never know about the love that bloomed within Seungwan’s chest.

 

 

She has to do something. Before it's too late.

 

 

---

 

 

"Stop this wedding!"

 

 

Seungwan heaves. She hears her breath stuck in , her lungs dry and in dire need of air. She feels her fingers scrape the edge of the pew settled at the entrance of the church, her breathing the only sound perceptibly audible inside the large hall.

 

 

Maybe it's because she's rendered everyone silent.

 

 

Taking one final huff, her eyes sweep through the faces of guests on each side of the church. To Seungwan, they're all blank. All unfamiliar.

 

 

Her brows furrow at the sight of an aisle speckled with flowers. Purple.

 

 

bobs up and down as her breathing steadies, and her determined mind wills herself to capture the bride's orbs. Beautiful.

 

 

Insanely beautiful.

 

 

Seungwan couldn’t remember the time she’d witnessed eyes to be this dark and brown, swirling with emotions she cannot quite comprehend. As she stood, she grasped her mind to what little she understood; she registers a mesh of words that do not make sense, thoughts that bade her eyes to close out of frustration, her chest puffed for an air full of courage that she scours for within the recesses of her brain in disarray.

 

 

In a shaky exhale, she sees the bride again, her vision painfully aware of guests wary of her presence.

 

 

Still mum, what she was left to understand was how the bride was exceptionally beautiful.

 

 

Stunning.

 

 

Perhaps she could rival that of her beauty, but Seungwan is painfully in love, this bride could never compare.

 

 

Perhaps she could suspend her thoughts, still her mind from the comparison and any other intent, but she failed to do so. Instead, her body volunteers to be the object at a standstill, while her mind runs a few thousand miles a second.

 

 

Purple flowers. Unfamiliar people. A man she barely even knows beside the bride.

 

 

Perhaps, the years had played a trick on her that when they were apart, her appearance managed to completely change.

 

 

But that wasn’t possible. Seungwan was sure.

 

 

The bride wasn’t her.

 

 

…This isn’t Mina.

 

 

.

 

---

 

 

Seungwan's eyes noticeably widen.

 

 

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry, I'm in the wrong wedding!" she squeaks, coiling from embarrassment. She feels the life in her body out deep, her feet numb as she scurries backward in blind exit to the large open doors behind.

 

 

She's met once again with a gaze of intense dark brown, and Seungwan musters her eyes to send the most profound form of apology that the voice in her mind repeats over and over– until her skin feels the touch of the sun and she finds herself outside the church.

 

 

In the last hurried mumble, she turns her back and Seungwan sets off. No time to feel embarrassed.

 

 

She has a wedding to catch.

 

 

---

 

 

"Hello?"

 

 

Life can be unpredictable. Fate even more so.

 

 

Seungwan was relieved she leaned on the counter as she took a customer's order, for her feet was wobbly, unable to support the staggering blast of the past that was sent her way.

 

 

The customer, this woman, was watching her. She noticed the pitch black waves that cover her small face, Seungwan hadn't caught this back then, inside that church, much like the fact that they were the same height. Still, Seungwan had never seen eyes this dark and brown. Especially now that she could see them up close.

 

 

For a moment, opens with no sound to come with it, and she holds back any thought once the orbs before her swirl with surprised familiarity.

 

 

Immediately, the customer's look turns somber, a look Seungwan would have guessed is about to transform to full-blown irritation and shrieks of anger.

 

 

Instead, she hears a faint tap of nails against solid surface, knocking Seungwan out of stupor with a calm voice. "Hello? Is it possible I get my order any time now?"

 

 

Seungwan closes , then opens them again, "O-of course, of course. What would you like?"

 

 

"I just told you a while ago."

 

 

Right.

 

 

The woman's brows furrow at Seungwan's flinching. Straight away, Seungwan fumbles to appear busy, dragging her hands towards their selection of cakes and at the same time desperately searching her mind to recall what the woman ordered.

 

 

A slice of red velvet.

 

 

Bingo.

 

 

She triumphs over the small recollection. Just as she reaches a piece, her brain halts her movement, deciding to go a different route. She still has to make the woman's drink. "Where do you plan to sit? Let me just get them to you in a while, I'll make your coffee first."

 

 

The woman blinks.

 

 

"I didn't order coffee."

 

 

Seungwan inhales at the tiny mistake, urging herself to take an opportunity she has accidentally created. "Oh, y-yeah, right. Don't worry about that, it's on the house."

 

 

It's not even anything significant, a free drink is far from what she has to give to convey her deepest regret for interrupting her wedding.

 

 

"No, it's okay, I don–"

 

 

"Please, I insist."

 

 

It's the least I could do.

 

 

The woman stops at that, gauging Seungwan's visible pleading.

 

 

She sighs, "Okay."

 

 

"Okay," Seungwan offers a hesitant smile, staring for a while, before she mutters, "Oh, can I get a name, please?"

 

 

"I don't think you need that, there's barely any customers now. You just have to bring it over there," the woman simply states, pointing over a table at the corner of the café.

 

 

Seungwan coughs in embarrassment then bows. "Ah, y-yes. Your order will be there shortly."

 

 

Once left alone and with her thoughts, Seungwan swiftly starts on her drink. It's when she's almost done, contemplating on what else she could possibly add on top of the free drink, that she hears the doors open, the bell ringing to signal another customer.

 

 

It's another woman, Seungwan notes, taller than her and gorgeous, who was walking directly towards the woman earlier– the woman who wouldn't give her a name. The mysterious bride.

 

 

In secret glances and side-eyes, Seungwan observes the two briefly speaking before the tall woman approaches the counter.

 

 

"Hi. I'd like a cup of hot chocolate please," she requested curtly. As she handed the drink over, it was received with a wide innocent smile. Seungwan thinks it looked warm and soft.

 

 

After, when tall woman's back was turned and she had returned to the table with mystery bride, Seungwan busies herself with manning the counter.

 

 

She still covertly keeps her eye on the two– sees the taller woman leaning closer on the other, as if whispering a secret, noticed when the coffee she had carefully made slides on the side of the taller woman while the bride with no name took the other's hot chocolate in return.

 

 

But that was for her.

 

 

A pang of guilt creeps its way into Seungwan's consciousness. The woman recognized her, she was sure. Otherwise, she wouldn't be able to explain how she was rather cold to her or why she'd swap drinks. Probably because she was furious at the person who made it.

 

 

When the two depart and the door rings once more, Seungwan returns to her office with a sigh.

 

 

---

 

 

For three weeks, Seungwan was constantly able to see the woman enter the café. She went at least twice a week, sometimes alone, and sometimes with her tall friend. She'd learned her name was Joohyun, when she accidentally (or not) heard the tall friend, now Seulgi, blurt it out of glee when they had chatted excitedly.

 

 

For three weeks, Seungwan is constantly reminded of what she had done. She always makes sure to give the woman her free coffee and it's all the time that the woman replies with, "It's okay" followed by Seungwan's "I insist."

 

 

Seungwan feels the mysterious bride, Joohyun, simply lets her so they wouldn't talk any further.

 

 

She wonders why, though. Why this person comes here often and disregards her as if she's done no wrong. And Seungwan's beaten herself up for so long, imagined asking for forgiveness but backing out once she's hit with the other's striking gaze.

 

 

Maybe today could be the day.

 

 

The woman's entered again. Alone.

 

 

At this point, she doesn't even bother resisting the free coffee, but instead makes sure Seungwan understands she's never drinking it. Because she orders hot chocolate with it too, and if she were with someone (taller girl Seulgi), then she'd have quickly given it to her after Seungwan hands it over.

 

 

Seungwan always frowns when her back is turned and she realizes Joohyun is passively showing her distaste for this situation.

 

 

Today will be the day.

 

 

So when the door closes to sign the woman has walked out, Seungwan immediately follows through, lest she loses the woman on her sight and delays her apology even further.

 

 

Outside, Seungwan quickly spots her at the sidewalk waiting to cross the road. She looked quite intimidating in her businesswoman silhouette, holding two cups of drinks with her.

 

 

"Wait!" Seungwan calls out. It falls on deaf ears.

 

 

Running closer, she waves, "Miss!"

 

 

The woman turns her head just as Seungwan abruptly stops in front of her.

 

 

She lifts a single brow in question, silently fixing her sight directly on Seungwan's unsteady orbs.

 

 

Seungwan must've frozen when she'd felt she was being studied. She blanked out when the woman merely stared at her, waiting for her to speak.

 

 

"H-hi," Seungwan says. Again, the woman waits.

 

 

"I, uh, uhm… I know this is probably a little too late," she exhales, a hand shyly pushing itself inside the pocket of her jeans, "–but I-I want to apologize."

 

 

The woman assesses Seungwan in wonder, squinting her eyes to squeeze out the meaning behind her said delayed apology.

 

 

"I mean– I'm sorry for ruining your wedding. I'm sure my sudden appearance caused quite a confusion. I'm really sorry. I hope your marriage–"

 

 

"There was no marriage."

 

 

Seungwan's eyes widen comically, both at the statement and the fact that the first sentence she's heard from this conversation is one that renders her even more guilty and sorry.

 

 

The woman heeds her gaze as steady as her voice has been and Seungwan fails to fully take in the implication of the wedding she interrupted as one that had "no marriage".

 

 

How could there be a wedding and no marriage?

 

 

What does that even—

 

 

Oh. .

 

 

—no ring.

 

 

Seungwan gapes and her eyes widen even more with her head tilted down at the other's hands. How could she have not noticed this the three weeks the woman was in and out of the café?! She looked like a fish out of water when opens only to proceed to being closed, leaving her with utter shock while her mind jolts in panic.

 

 

Why? Why didn't she get married? Holy , did I cause this?

 

 

"I'm sorry, were you there? At the wedding?" Joohyun asks in curiosity, drawing closer to a shell-shocked Seungwan.

 

 

At this, her blown-wide eyes lessens in size to be replaced with her furrowing brows. She thought they'd long established how Seungwan first crashed into Joohyun’s life and her wedding?

 

 

"I'm sorry for the confusion and the way I'm acting like I don't know you," her voice spilled like honey, soothing like Seungwan's favorite cup of tea. But as smooth it may have sounded, it did nothing to untangle the shambling knots forming inside her. Why is she the one apologizing?

 

 

"I'm really sorry I can't remember you. But it's long been like this. You know," the woman chuckles as she averts her gaze, "–since the wedding."

 

 

Seungwan merely tilts her head in tense uncertainty as she pores over Joohyun’s left eye and her right repeatedly and in a cycle— not quite focused and not quite understanding.

 

 

"I can't remember the wedding."

 

 

What?

 

 

"Happens when you get into an accident running after a groom who calls off the whole thing in the middle of the ceremony, I guess."

 

 

The horror-stricken look on her face must be hilarious right now; Seungwan's just grateful Sooyoung isn't here to laugh at her.

 

 

"Said he realized he didn't want it… when someone mistakenly barged in and yelled something about stopping the wedding," Joohyun shrugs. "It must have awakened something inside him," she's now turned away from Seungwan's front, facing the road, but the view of half her face is clear enough to note her grim look and glassy eye.

 

 

Seungwan feels her knees weaken, her cheeks drained of color, and her brain replaying the reckless wreck of a decision she made by forcing those doors open without even checking if she was in the right wedding.

 

 

"Oh my god," Seungwan mutters in a whisper, frozen in place yet painfully yearning to come closer and plead for forgiveness. "Oh my god, I'm s-so sorry." Her lips tremble and she made a move to cover with her hand as Joohyun turns to face her again. She is eyed intently, a look of puzzlement flitting across Joohyun’s face.

 

 

For a while Seungwan does nothing; the war within her mind figuring out how exactly she can explain how she had been the cause of this mess. Should she even explain? Would that even help this woman more or would it instead throw her into a spiraling jumble of—

 

 

Seungwan thinks it wasn't meant to be noticed but she caught it nonetheless.

 

 

The woman smirked.

 

 

…She's smirking!

 

 

Seungwan grimaces and her brows are pulled together to a consequent frown.

 

 

…And she's entirely grinning now!

 

 

"Gotcha," Joohyun lets out one amused scoff.

 

 

"That was fun. Now excuse me, I have somewhere to be," she said, ending with a confident sway of her hips and a turn that had her hair freely flowing over her shoulders.

 

 

What? What?!

 

 

The woman stalked off onto the other side of the road while Seungwan was left standing as stiff as a block of wood. Once brought out of shock, she had a mind to yell, "Wait, what was that?!"

 

 

She walked briskly in an attempt to catch up to Joohyun and match her pace.

 

 

"Were you bluffing?"

 

 

"Yes," Joohyun blankly mutters as she keeps marching across the pavement.

 

 

"You didn't get into an accident?"

 

 

"No."

 

 

"You remember me?" The woman still didn't meet Seungwan's eyes. Only disinterest could be hinted in her tone, once she blurted out, "Uh-huh."

 

 

Unbelievable.

 

 

"And you're so mad you don't even want to accept my free drink?"

 

 

"I don't drink coffee," Joohyun deadpanned.

 

 

"What the– you should've told me!"

 

 

Seungwan had been at this constant high speed of walking that she had the laws of physics acting on her when she instantaneously stopped her legs from moving.

 

 

Because the other woman paused to face her and look her in the eye. "You should've let me finish instead of interrupting me every time you push me into receiving it."

 

 

Well, you could've insisted too!

 

 

"Anyway, don't bother anymore. You had your fun, I had mine just now. We're even. Do not follow me."

 

 

They'd stopped in front of a building which Seungwan failed to notice. And Joohyun leaves her even more confused and now insulted to have been thought of as someone who crashed and ruined weddings for fun. She supposes she can't blame her, but maybe annoyance has been bubbling beneath her initial apologetic disposition that her thoughts are clouded.

 

 

She still really can't blame her.

 

 

"Wha– wait!" Seungwan's eyes rapidly blinks in disbelief as the woman enters said building, pausing as she reached one of the guards and then points to her direction.

 

 

She, of course, was intent on following her, to explain and to talk but the guard stops her before she could walk past the lobby. Politely, she was requested to leave.

 

 

"Dammit!"

 

 

---

 

 

The next few days, Seungwan sees not even a shadow of the mysterious, and now confirmed mad-at-her bride. And for every time the door opens, her eyes glimmer with hope.

 

 

It's on the fifth day, that the door reveals the person Seungwan was waiting for, clothed in a simple white shirt and form-fitting jeans. She marvels at how this simple attire could capture people's attention– it certainly had caught hers. She's fascinated with the way her presence commanded other's focus.

 

 

This palpable sense of power. On her way to the counter.

 

 

… To order a hot chocolate.

 

 

Seungwan snickers at the thought and keeps herself from laughing out loud.

 

 

Joohyun regards her curiously then it's gone, followed by her usual line, "Can I order a–"

 

 

"Hot chocolate? Sure. On the house," Seungwan interjects before the order is blurted out.

 

 

Predictably, Joohyun rejects her offer, emphasizing how she really shouldn't bother. Instead of agreeing, Seungwan tilts her head to the side, slightly pouting to ask about the taller woman behind her. Of course, she noticed she was there too.

 

 

"Would your friend like it then?"

 

 

From behind, an innocent smile emerges, gleaming brightly on its edges, addressed solely for Seungwan.

 

 

"Me? Yes!" the taller woman beams.

 

 

An absolute ray of sunshine. That's what Seungwan sees. Somehow, Seungwan pictures her like a bear, like someone who gives the most comforting hugs.

 

 

"I like coffee, though. The large one. The one you usually make for Joohyun unnie," her words falter at the end of her request, sensing a menacing glare sent her way. Most likely a signal of warning, seeing as Joohyun doesn't know that Seungwan knows their name after all.

 

 

But bless her heart, Seulgi is as innocent and adorable and oblivious as she comes. "What? I like free drinks!"

 

 

"Kang Seulgi!" Joohyun almost shouts in a stern tone, somewhat akin to a parent berating their child in front of relatives.

 

 

Not this bear though.

 

 

"Because I don't get to pay for them!" exasperated, Seulgi explains, before a light flashes in her mind as if she had just remembered something.

 

 

"By the way, I'm Seulgi," she voiced out, her teeth bare with her smile, her friendly warmth reaching all the way to Seungwan's heart. So, so sweet.

 

 

How come she always meets people with friends their total opposite?

 

 

If Seulgi was rainbows and sunshine, Joohyun was a gloomy day about to rain.

 

 

Seungwan smiled.

 

 

She didn't mind the rain.

 

 

Joohyun kept mum at their conversation, only walking out with a huff once she gets her drink. Her poor friend instantly runs after her with hurried goodbyes.

 

 

She knows she should be relieved; this woman is willing to let everything go and forget. They could lead different lives and be different people. That this shouldn't be a problem, especially if Joohyun says this isn't that big of a deal.

 

 

What Seungwan doesn't understand is why, deep down— it feels like it is.

 

 

---

 

 

"Just to clarify, Joohyun-ssi didn't get married?" Seungwan peered over her shoulder to glance at Seulgi, all the while busy preparing the usual.

 

 

"Nope."

 

 

The usual had been hot chocolate and a latte. Iced this time, just because Seulgi feels like it. She's ventured towards trying the café's other drinks these days too because, well, it's free.

 

 

"You know she pranked me?"

 

 

"Yeah." Seungwan could sense the bear trying to hold on to her laugh but failed. She only pouted in return because it was hard to get mad at Seulgi. The girl had wormed her way through her life, though they only talk at the café. She'd gotten to know Joohyun as well, mostly through Seulgi.

 

 

Just like now.

 

 

"And she said… uh, said the groom called it off halfway through the wedding?" Seungwan spoke as casually as she could.

 

 

"Yeah," Seulgi trailed hesitantly, quietly observing her new friend.

 

 

The drinks had been done. Along with two sandwiches on a single plate. Seungwan stares at them as if they were what caught her interest.

 

 

A hand shoots up to cover Seungwan's own. "Look, Wan. I can't speak for Joohyun unnie and what she feels, but I do know she doesn't blame you." Seulgi's voice felt like comfort but this time, it's one that doesn't quite reach her.

 

 

"She said so. The guy's been having second thoughts the whole time."

 

 

Still.

 

 

There isn't much she could do. Not much she knows. She feels bad, if it's looked at from another perspective, she's partly responsible. Because just like her, Joohyun could be plagued with what ifs and an imagination full of what could be.

 

 

If only Seungwan thought for a second, if only she confessed first, if only she hadn't been at the wrong place.

 

 

If only she was given back the love she willingly gave.

 

 

It's unclear what she should do next, where she stands with all this.

 

 

But she wanted to be Joohyun’s friend.

 

 

That she's sure of.

 

 

---

 

 

Seungwan thinks this night will be quite peaceful. She plans to leave early and bask in the faux warmth that her couch emits while drowning herself with a series from netflix and a nice bottle of wine as her companion. Some may see her being lonely, but this activity gives her a breather and lets her relax. It gives her a pass to pretend she's interested even when sometimes she's distracted and out to daydream.

 

 

Today is a good day, as have her past days been.

 

 

Her business is doing well, enough to pay her own bills (as if she needed this small business to do so), she's made new friends, and Joohyun talks! (Well, obviously, she does, but she rarely does so when with her that sometimes Seungwan forgets.)

 

 

It started with that one night her dear friend Seulgi, ever-so-sweet, innocent, and angelic Seulgi invited her to a party on her birthday.

 

 

At first she had been unsure, she knew no one else except the birthday girl herself, and Joohyun doesn't count simply because she's not sure they're friends.

 

 

Seulgi reasons she could use it as an excuse to stay close and chat with Joohyun. As fast as lightning and with a smile, she agrees.

 

 

She hadn't exactly thought through how, but sweet Seulgi once again finds a way.

 

 

A casual tap to her shoulder, and an "Unnie's outside" said in the passing, had Seungwan on the move immediately.

 

 

---

 

 

"Joohyun-ssi." The breeze moved lightly as Seungwan spoke, perhaps as terrified as she is for the other to be blown away and disappear into the cold night.

 

 

If the older woman was surprised, she showed no hint as she stayed rooted into her spot leaning on a brick wall, scoping the clouds thickly hiding the moon.

 

 

Seungwan walked slowly until she was next to her.

 

 

"Hi." She runs her hand through her nape. "What are you doing he–"

 

 

"You know you don't have to do this, right?" Joohyun interrupts her attempt to ease into a conversation.

 

 

"I want to apologize."

 

 

"You already did."

 

 

Silence takes over as Seungwan pours over her thoughts. She sighs as she ponders about how the older woman seems adamant on forgetting everything. However, she wanted to make one more thing clear.

 

 

"I didn't do what I did for fun," she coughs out. "I'm sorry. I really am. I–" Seungwan had to pause, anticipating the tightening around , constricting her from forming a rational explanation for her past action. Taking a deep breath, she prepares to speak before she is interrupted.

 

 

"I know."

 

 

Seungwan sees a nod of understanding, reminding her they had Seulgi in common and the bear mostly likely defended her case.

 

 

Silence envelopes their surroundings once more, leaving Seungwan to be painfully aware of their almost touching shoulders.

 

 

"Did you at least make it in time for her wedding?"

 

 

For a second, Seungwan was stunned to hear a question from Joohyun. That she had started a conversation.

 

 

The younger bitterly chuckled, "Well. No, sadly."

 

 

Or not really.

 

 

Mina knew. Seungwan had nervously called Sana about her idea. Sana told Mina the night before the wedding.

 

 

At first her best friend had been ecstatic to know she'd be there, but hearing from Sana about her plans must have dampened her mood.

 

 

She understood, really. Looking back, she thinks Sana did the right thing.

 

 

It was an impulsive decision. An idea born from the want to express a love so grand, she thinks it deserved to be heard. But Mina thought otherwise, so the moment her plane landed, Sana told her the venue changed at the last minute– she just didn't expect there to be another wedding at the random church she'd given.

 

 

It's laughable how Seungwan didn't even stop to think, how it's improbable for a last minute change, how things didn't check out the moment they said they decided to switch the place.

 

 

She'd concluded what Sana did saved her and Mina the embarrassment. It had prevented her from even more heartbreak.

 

 

What was tragic, was that her impetuosity had possibly cost another person's happiness.

 

 

"That's… unfortunate," Joohyun muttered, briefly glancing her way before staring ahead again. "You really believed the sudden change of location stunt they pulled?"

 

 

Seungwan hears a breathy, barely-there laugh, and she suppresses a smile of her own. Despite the bitter fact of their situation and the not receding guilt she felt with this whole ordeal, it's surprising Joohyun’s steering this to a much lighter tone.

 

 

She guesses she wants it this way and Seungwan should just follow where the water flows.

 

 

"I didn't have much time to think, okay?" she grins, warily playful in tone.

 

 

"So you also didn't have much time to think when I said I had amnesia?" The confident smirk shows itself again.

 

 

Seungwan gapes. "W-well, you can't blame me, I w-was," she thinks for the proper description. Nervous? Hugely guilty? A whole lot intimidated?

 

 

She exhales, defeated. Nothing truthful she would say would be okay for now. She doesn't know how Joohyun would take it if she honestly confessed to her feelings.

 

 

A moment later and she hears an impassive, "I'll head back inside. Just forget about everything, Seungwan."

 

 

She was left dumbfounded, a bit curious, and quite honestly surprised with the pinch of happiness blooming in her chest.

 

 

---

 

 

And if the whole event couldn't surprise her even more, Seungwan is once again proven wrong. Seulgi finds another way for her to be near Joohyun.

 

 

Through beer pong.

 

 

It was not too deep in the night, not too many people were invited. She was briefly introduced to Kim Yerim, an enigma and Seulgi's cousin. It's like the kid had five cans of red bulls for breakfast. A quick conversation and Seungwan had already deduced Yeri would make a terrific partner for her own cousin, Sooyoung. She was fun and she knows everyone around.

 

 

When the game started, Seungwan had not yet realized she was going up against Seulgi and Yeri, then blinded even more that she was on the same team with Joohyun.

 

 

She gulped at the fire Joohyun had around her, as if determined she'd never lose. Gathering her confidence, Seungwan cheers, "We can win this!"

 

 

The other woman smirks, slamming her cup after a shot. "Oh, I know." Seungwan was glad the woman had confidence in her as a teammate.

 

 

Turns out, she was just considerably incredible herself to worry about winning.

 

 

Seungwan did miss most of her shots and Joohyun carried their team, but the last shot to victory had been hers and she was quite proud of it.

 

 

When she turned to the older woman, she had witnessed a pleased glint in her eyes and her fist pumped in the air.

 

 

She'd learned Joohyun is competitive. Was reminded that Joohyun is gorgeous.

 

 

Especially when smiling.

 

 

---

 

 

The next time Joohyun visits, she's with Seulgi to order another drink. She asks her to stop the free drinks because she doesn't know how much would be left for Seungwan's salary if this keeps on.

 

 

Seungwan tells her she owns the café.

 

 

Joohyun responds with a brow raised, and a well-reasoned insistence. "Still, I told you to forget, didn't I? It feels like you're paying for something you're guilty about."

 

 

Seungwan would protest, but the dark-haired woman had never been more right.

 

 

They leave with a sulking Seulgi, and her very much not free iced coffee.

 

 

She still gives Seulgi her free drink sometimes.

 

 

---

 

 

Joohyun isn't one to talk much. These days, Seungwan is brighter, making sure she takes Joohyun’s orders when she arrives and greets her as if she's the sun personified.

 

 

In return, Seungwan receives courteous nods and succinct answers.

 

 

If she hadn't known any more than she had the first time she trailed after her on that street, she would think Joohyun was discomfited with her presence.

 

 

But that's just the way Joohyun is… Seungwan assumes.

 

 

The older woman barely started conversations, scarcely glanced your way unless called upon, and frequently refused any help Seungwan could offer.

 

 

Even right now, Seungwan was positive her rejection would be the first to slip off of the older's tongue when she proposes a ride home.

 

 

The moon was brightly shining outside, competing with the glimmer the street lamps could show, fully out on its majestic, cloudless glory. If anything, this late night was the perfect moment for a walk, to feel the touch of cold seep through your skin, and hear the occasional passing of cars as they move through the empty road.

 

 

Seungwan planned just so, excited with the way she made the last drink for the last customer. When the store closes, she would be out to breathe in the serenity that only the night could offer.

 

 

After she serves this last drink for Joohyun.

 

 

Of course, if it was her preparing, that would mean it was Joohyun or Seulgi she was serving. Miraculously, the dark-haired woman asked for a cup of coffee as she had plainly revealed tonight was going to be busy for her because of her job.

 

 

A walk outside would be lovely, Seungwan was certain, but when she's about to leave and Joohyun’s still standing out, all plans got thrown out the window.

 

 

"Hey, why are you still here?" In light steps, Seungwan stops beside Joohyun, making sure not to startle the easily-surprised raven.

 

 

"I'm waiting for Seulgi, she's picking me up," Joohyun replies as she glances up from her phone.

 

 

Their eyes meet.

 

 

Seungwan sees Joohyun’s suppressed shiver; she feels it too, the whisper of the wind creeping on the tips of her fingers to the ends of her toes, as if a welcomed layer in her embrace. She senses it's anything but welcome for the other woman, and it's taking everything in her to keep her hands in her pocket where it should be. Definitely not anywhere near the front of her jacket that she could take off to drape over Joohyun’s shoulders.

 

 

In steady exhale, she points, "But you've been here quite a while."

 

 

Joohyun nods. "I'm taking a taxi if she doesn't show up in ten minutes."

 

 

She really shouldn't give her the jacket. One offer at a time. "I can take you home."

 

 

Joohyun’s sight darts around the area, seeming more and more like a secluded and abandoned street without the presence of vehicles or other people. It was quite dark and cold. "It's fine. Seulgi's coming."

 

 

"And if she isn't?"

 

 

Joohyun shrugs. "Taxi."

 

 

"Joohyun," Seungwan voices firmly. She's trying, really, because it's rather impractical to even reject help at this point. Not when she's freezing and it's potentially dangerous to be alone. "I can text Seulgi that I got you. I'm insisting this time, there's no point for a taxi when I have a car."

 

 

When she ends, she realized her hand has shot out to Joohyun’s wrist that has grown rigid under the sudden contact.

 

 

Eventually, Joohyun moves aways and responds with a sigh, as she always does when she gives in to what Seungwan pushes. Like it's against her will or that she's avoiding draining her energy over arguing with Seungwan even more.

 

 

Either way, this hard-headed lady's safety is more important. Seungwan's grown to care for her too.

 

 

---

 

 

Despite the missed walk, silence with Joohyun was in its own way… peaceful.

 

 

Her innocent glances turn purposeful after some time, as her memory steals a picture of the older woman's faraway look. If she could, she would stare and trace the lines that paint her features.

 

 

She remembers the trees, buildings from afar, and the light of the moon go by a blur, discarded to make room for the image of Bae Joohyun.

 

 

---

 

 

When the heart finds something it desires, even the most drastic measures seem plausible.

 

 

Little notes were a far cry from being Seungwan. She liked thoughts to be spoken, shared to the very detail that is deemed insignificant.

 

 

Joohyun was often to the point, though. Concise. Exact. Straightforward.

 

 

Maybe this could be a step closer, so Seungwan gives it a go. Short messages, scribbles– it's a little addition to Joohyun’s order when she goes alone and sits at the corner of the café.

 

 

… What exactly was it that Seungwan desired?

 

 

---

 

****

 

Welcome to my first ever note!

An invitation to my amazing mind.

This comes with the free drink, sorry you can't take it back.

Hope you're having a good day :D

 

****

 

---

 

 

****

 

I was thinking of what to write, but how do I make this sound poetic?

Sure, roses can be red but how can violets be blue?

Aren't they two different colors?

 

****

 

 

---

 

 

****

 

Do you think aliens exist? I do.

We can't possibly be alone in this universe, right?

Maybe our world is just a green-skinned kid's art project.

Or earth is just a speck of dust resting on a dandelion.

 

****

 

 

"You spend too much time on the internet and you believe too much out of a movie for kids," Joohyun mumbles calmly as she strides along the familiar sidewalk to her building.

 

 

Seungwan has taken a liking into following her back to work, a place that's a few blocks away from the café.

 

 

"Yes, I know," she chuckles with lightness in her steps. "But don't you think it's amazing? The infinite amount of possibilities out there? The prospect of having a different version of yourself in a separate universe? The idea of infinite versions of reality?" With a small hop, Seungwan has reversed her position so that she is walking backwards and facing Joohyun. The sidewalk had only a few people walking on it anyway.

 

 

"A different version of ourselves in another universe?"

 

 

"Yes!" excitedly, Seungwan bobs her head.

 

 

"You mean there's another reality where I could've been married?"

 

 

At Joohyun’s question, Seungwan stiffens and halts, eyes blown-wide. She didn't see it coming, much so from a conversation this casual.

 

 

Joohyun slowly flashes a grin, one side of slightly tugged upward. "Relax. I was kidding."

 

 

Joohyun walks past her. They had already arrived at her building.

 

 

"Gotta go."

 

 

Seungwan stands still, her eyes being the only part of her following Joohyun’s direction.

 

 

The guards, as always, never let her pass through anyway.

 

 

---

 

 

****

 

Last week, Seulgi said she binge-watched this series with Yeri.

The blonde actress was pretty.

I think I should color my hair blonde.

What do you think?

 

****

 

 

"So?" Seungwan voices out, bumping her shoulder while moving in sync with Joohyun.

 

 

The older woman is unspeaking, staring straight ahead on her way back to work. In her head, she pictures the younger woman in blonde waves, her pearly teeth in a smile, ready to take her order at the café counter.

 

 

"I was thinking of a lighter shade– really light, then also cut my hair shorter."

 

 

Joohyun adjusts her vision accordingly, imagining Seungwan in a cream colored sweater neatly tucked in form-fitting jeans with boots to complete her look. Chic. Cool. Not bad.

 

 

Not bad at all.

 

 

"Really? Not at least one comment?" Seungwan's head turned to Joohyun in exasperation.

 

 

At this, Joohyun skids to a stop, exactly near her company's building. They've arrived. The whole duration of their walk involved Seungwan babbling without a single word from Joohyun.

 

 

For this time that she had been urged to respond, Joohyun comes up with a blank. There wasn't much she had thought of that she could tease Seungwan with, as she usually does, because her reactions were priceless.

 

 

In a moment, Joohyun randomly blurts, "You'd look like Olaf."

 

 

"Huh?" Seungwan tilts her head.

 

 

"Just– everything's white," Joohyun trails. "I mean, your hair would probably match your skin."

 

 

To Seungwan, and for the first time, that did not make sense.

 

 

"But Olaf's pure snow and white and I'm going for blonde?" Seungwan raises her concern, before adding, "Plus, his nose is orange. That's funny." Seungwan's chest rumbles to let out a sound of amusement, much to Joohyun’s chagrin.

 

 

As Seungwan laughs, she notices the other's focus, as if her mind was reeling for a line to counter. Out of the blue, she gets the sudden urge to tap the other woman's nose.

 

 

So she does just as she wanted.

 

 

Joohyun’s eyes momentarily widen and something within her stomach lurches, following a finger suddenly making its way to her nose. With not much time to think, Joohyun quickly latches on, capturing the finger in her hold.

 

 

They're frozen, her hand in the air clutched on Seungwan's finger. She's mildly aware of the younger's bright smile, before another surprise comes crashing upon her.

 

 

"But I do like warm hugs!"

 

 

There's barely any time to react when Seungwan's hand slides out her grasp to smoothly slither through her waist, while the other was successfully draped on her back.

 

 

Joohyun’s body tensed.

 

 

She hears a loud exhale of relief and notes Seungwan's chin comfortably rested on her shoulder.

 

 

Warm. It really is warm.

 

 

With the realization, Joohyun forces herself to clear her head. It wasn't much, but it was enough to wake her from her daze.

 

 

She roughly grabbed the other's shoulders, immediately tearing through the space that Seungwan covered between them.

 

 

Joohyun clears , loosening her vice-like grip as Seungwan winces through her strength.

 

 

"I don't care if you do. I don't like warm hugs."

 

 

As she always does, Joohyun walks past and bolts through the building entrance.

 

 

---

 

 

****

 

I'm a mess.

I have never looked any worse than this since college.

I even got a pity tip from a nice guy in a suit!

You'd be like a goddess if I stood beside you today.

 

****

 

 

"Are you okay?" Side by side, Joohyun disrupts the silence that was usually there for Seungwan to fill.

 

 

The café owner grunts, running both of her hands through her dark tresses. "I'm alright. Just didn't get enough sleep."

 

 

Her night was a bit rough. Her brother had called her, pleading that she comes back again to help with the company. It wasn't anything too serious, she's already gotten used to his requests. What had been bothering her, was that it seemed it wasn't her help that her brother sought, but her presence. Their conversation ended with an awkward "It's late, let's go to sleep" when her brother hoarsely declared that he had missed her.

 

 

They weren't exactly that close; their childhood had left them to fend for themselves, each finding their own ways to discover any sort of love that their parents had failed to provide. While Seungwan was always holed inside Mina's room and pretended the Myoui's were her real family, her brother went out with people he could define as his "friends”.

 

 

Her father's last days were the first time they created any semblance of what a family should be. Maybe her brother had been craving the bond he'd wanted his whole life. A pinch of sadness creeped upon her the whole night, being so far away from her younger brother. The little boy who all this time had looked up to her.

 

 

A frown tugs on , her heart being in an affair that's equal parts longing and guilty. Longing for her family and guilty because… she can't just leave. Right now, she's where she wants to be.

 

 

"Something must've been bothering you, then."

 

 

Musings on her internal conflict were broken by Joohyun, and Seungwan is forced to recollect another reason for a sleepless night. It had been days since then, but she worried about how often she replays their hug in her head, albeit it being a little one-sided– Joohyun never hugged her back.

 

 

In a sigh, she replies, "Yeah, something's been weighing on me. I need to sort it out fast."

 

 

Once again, they fall into unusual silence. Seungwan has no intent for it, but the mood turns mellow the more she keeps her eyes on her feet as they walk, and refuse to acknowledge the other woman assessing her state.

 

 

She still isn't sure what her heart desired. Mina is happily married. With someone else. She only has the café and her closest friends as reasons to stay here. But surely Sooyoung would understand. Maybe even follow after her.

 

 

What's holding her back?

 

 

In a moment, an arm shoots out to physically hold her back.

 

 

"We're here."

 

 

Oh.

 

 

Seungwan is brought back to notice the building looming over them, passers-by moving through in a haze. She glances up to meet Joohyun’s gaze. They stand stuck in an unrelenting stare that Seungwan forgets why Joohyun hasn't sauntered past her yet. For a moment, the full permission to feast into Joohyun’s dark brown orbs had her detecting a shadow of worry etched on her eyes, but it was so fast gone that she thinks she'd imagined it.

 

 

Then Joohyun takes a step. And another.

 

 

Until her legs had been close enough near Seungwan's to feel her presence permeate through her space. It throws her to a state of unease as she tries to decipher what Joohyun is up to.

 

 

The older woman raises her arm in an awkward stance, hesitantly finding its way to wrap around her shoulders.

 

 

Seungwan grows rigid with the action. Joohyun’s body was close enough to make it seem like they were hugging but they weren't touching. Their bodies were a hair's breadth away with Joohyun’s breath settled closely on her ear.

 

 

"I… uh, I don't do warm hugs," Joohyun declares through a whisper that had the hair on the back of Seungwan's neck standing.

 

 

"It may not be now, but you'll figure it out."

 

 

A single pat. Then their close proximity is gone before Seungwan could remember.

 

 

When Joohyun routinely steps out of her view once again, Seungwan does not look back. She holds her breath on the organ deep in her chest, hearing its rumbling through her ears.

 

 

What’s holding her back?

 

 

---

 

 

Soon enough, Joohyun discerns the pattern at which the notes come. Only when she's alone. And when the drink is for free.

 

 

Never would she want to exploit the genuine nature Seungwan has or her willingness to extend a helping hand to every situation. She's far from being a person who leans on others and she's far from letting herself be too comfortable to let another person in.

 

 

But maybe, occasionally, the amusing stories jotted for her to read pique her interest more than she'd anticipated that sometimes, she just lets Seungwan be.

 

 

---

 

 

On the next week, Joohyun arrives with her laptop and glasses atop her head. Once she's settled in her usual seat, she ties her hair to a messy bun and stretches to start on work.

 

 

 

****

 

Ooh damn, nice fit!

But may I suggest an accessory?

I think it would suit you best if you wore…

A smile

 

****

 

 

Joohyun unhurriedly scans the note, and Seungwan focuses on the glasses now perched on her nose slowly slide down through its plane. Right when Seungwan presumes she's at the last lines of the paper, Joohyun’s brows meet as if she's pulled in a deep thought.

 

 

Flashes of the past flit across the recesses of Seungwan's mind and she's reminded of the exact way she had admired Mina from afar.

 

 

Joohyun is scoffing, one side of tugged in a hint of a smile. She barely registered the raven-haired woman's sight flicker her way before it's averted back to neatly fold the note for her to keep.

 

 

Seungwan freezes.

 

 

The quiet girl, alone in the corner, trapped in her own world. She remembered it so well.

 

 

She desired to be a part of Joohyun’s world too.

 

 

---

 

 

Son Seungwan.

 

 

The quirky, talkative, and now blonde girl (she gave her a vague response, but the girl dyed her hair blonde anyway) who stumbled in a shouting spree on her wedding day.

 

 

Joohyun didn't know what to make of her efforts to stumble into her life this time around.

 

 

---

 

 

Seungwan rakes her hand through her hair, feeling her nails scrape against skin as it travels across her scalp.

 

 

There she stood, in front of a stone-faced Joohyun clutching her groceries on both hand as she silently analyzes Seungwan's intentions. They had coincidentally met at the supermarket; Joohyun’s low on her monthly food supply and Seungwan's out of junk food.

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

Seungwan’s eyes swing away before gathering the courage to spell out a reason she scrambles for in her head. "Because you don't have a car now?"

 

 

"Yeah, that's why I plan to hail a cab," Joohyun simply states.

 

 

"But I have my car with me."

 

 

"Okay?" Joohyun sounded confused, not quite grasping the point of it all.

 

 

"I mean–"

 

 

Joohyun cuts in, "I am perfectly capable of going home on my own."

 

 

"I didn't say otherwise, but it'd be easier if I just took you home," Seungwan adamantly replies, also too confused why this conversation has to go this far when it was an invitation any modest person would present.

 

 

"I don't see the point, it wouldn't be easier on you."

 

 

Neither side seems to relent, and Seungwan blurts out the most obvious reason.

 

 

"But it's fine with me? That's what friends do."

 

 

The statement leaves Joohyun silent, blinking once before her brows scrunch in puzzlement? Confusion? Disbelief? Seungwan isn't too sure.

 

 

But weren't they friends?

 

 

Aren't we?

 

 

"I don't understand," Joohyun exhales.

 

 

Oh.

 

 

Okay.

 

 

Okay.

 

 

Seulgi did tell her Joohyun was a bit stubborn, often firm in her decisions and wants. So if you want her to do something you better be damn convincing and have proper reasons, but Seungwan doesn't think she'd be this hard if she was seen as a friend, though.

 

 

Maybe that's why.

 

 

Seungwan doesn’t quite understand it all. If there’s something holding her back to go home to family, something’s holding Joohyun back as well.

 

 

Maybe she’s been too much of a bother this whole time. Maybe the frequent indifference and silence meant “stay away from my life”.

 

 

Whatever it is– it’s what Seungwan doesn’t understand.

 

 

"Oh. I see."

 

 

Seungwan blinks and looks away, subtly coughing out the tension in . Her eyes were fixed anywhere but Joohyun’s stare now, poorly masking the tinge of hurt translated on her face before it resolved to nothingness.

 

 

"What I mean is," Joohyun clears, her grip tightening on one hand and her head gauging Seungwan's expression, "I-I mean, I can go home on my own."

 

 

"Of course. I understand."

 

 

She doesn’t. But she’d be a fool to force the woman any more, with how tight she had held her things in her palm or the displeasure shooting up to the taut line plastered on her lips.

 

 

“I’ll g-get going then,” clearing , Seungwan trudges her way through her car, vaguely sensing eyes following her.

 

 

She doesn’t look back.

 

 

---

 

 

Seungwan spends the next few days thinking. Once in a while, her mind broods on reasons, on the whys and hows.

 

 

Why things are the way they are. How to make matters different for the both of them.

 

 

Just like that, she’s stuck in a daze once again, in the corner of the café staring ahead where the customers go by in a blur and her consciousness floats in and out of reality.

 

 

She doesn’t catch two figures draggingly marching their way to her, the other pulling and the other resisting.

 

 

“Come on, unnie! Get in there and actually talk to her!” Seulgi exclaims, hands clamped over Joohyun’s wrist.

 

 

“There is nothing to talk about. Everything is perfectly fine! Stop dragging me into this.”

 

 

“Oh yeah? You didn’t want to buy coffee with me today.”

 

 

“So? I just didn’t want to,” Joohyun pulls back but not strong enough to break through the bear’s strength.

 

 

“When I asked why, you said Seungwannie doesn’t offer you free coffee anymore,” Seulgi stresses, her brows shooting up in disbelief. “You don’t even like coffee! And you’re so worked up over it!”

 

 

“Gosh, I’m not, okay? It’s just because it means something’s going on with her.”

 

 

The taller woman lets her go, letting her wrist fall to her sides. Just then Seulgi’s hands raise to her hair, cradling her head in utter vexation. “Then. Talk. To. Her!”

 

 

Joohyun blinks. Once. Twice. Then exhales deeply.

 

 

“Fine.”

 

 

---

 

 

“Do you have anything to recommend?” Joohyun utters as soon as Seungwan walked to the counter, perceptibly more aware of her surroundings this time. When they entered the shop, the younger woman was zoning out, arms crossed on her chest.

 

 

“Uh,” the blonde hesitates, “Don’t you just want hot chocolate?”

 

 

Joohyun nods in agreement. “How about a cake?”

 

 

“Carrot cake?”

 

 

“Okay.”

 

 

“Okay,” Seungwan parrots.

 

 

They fall into a lapse of soundlessness, the only sound being the click and beep of the register that the younger woman operates on.

 

 

“Total would be–”

 

 

“Is it not for free?” Joohyun blurts out before her mind could act on it and stop her.

 

 

Seungwan raises her brow, “Would you like it to be free?” She rakes the other’s appearance, from her crisp white button up to her blazer neatly held against her palm.

 

 

“Would you want to give it for free?” Joohyun questions back.

 

 

The blonde has got to give it to the older woman to appear impassive, yet her one hand is now, if she may add, cutely crumpling her well-kept blazer. One could tell that maybe, just maybe, there is a tinge of anxiousness on her part.

 

 

“Sure. If you want.” Seungwan shrugs.

 

 

The raven-haired woman fiddles with her clothing, voicing out, “I don’t.”

 

 

Joohyun observes, annoyance creeping in her veins with Seungwan’s nonchalance. She continues to pour her utmost focus onto her order’s preparations. Once all packed, the younger woman looks up, sliding the drink across Joohyun’s side. “What exactly does that mean?”

 

 

Seungwan stares at her, unyielding.

 

 

“I don’t–” Joohyun musters up her thoughts into questions, into her observations. The subtle avoidance. The plain scripts of just “have a good day :)” scribbled on her notes. Her worry with the abrupt change over her refusal for a single car ride.

 

 

And just why she’d been so perturbed with it. Isn’t a calm, detached, and distant Seungwan what she’d wanted?

 

 

“Just–” Then she exhales deeply. “Just give it to Seul.”

 

 

She swiftly turns away, maneuvering through Seulgi’s guard, taking her surprise to her advantage. She scurries out, and in haste steps she takes a breath she hadn’t noticed she held the whole time she tried to leave.

 

 

Before she knows it, she’s gone far away from the café, a peek through her shoulders telling her how mu—

 

 

“F–f–fu– God!” Joohyun yelps, her heart skipping a beat to find Seungwan right before her, mouth set in a tight line. “! You surprised me!” she exclaimed, feeling as if her soul left her body the moment the younger woman appeared, undetected as she covered the distance from the shop. With a hand on her chest, Joohyun calms herself, frowning when she spots the slightest touch of amusement paint the younger’s face.

 

 

“That’s it? You’re walking away just like that?” Seungwan says pointedly.

 

 

Joohyun grimaces, “There’s no point. You’re not telling me something.”

 

 

The blonde lets out a sound of disbelief and a scoff, irked to the core with how the older woman is handling the situation.

 

 

“Maybe if you’d just ask.” Maybe if you just talked to me. “But I’ll tell you. Even if you don’t seem to care.”

 

 

Joohyun opens to disagree, but is immediately shut down by Seungwan’s pointer finger signalling her to shut up.

 

 

Rounding up her determination through a breath, Seungwan lets it out. “I was keeping my distance... because I don’t know how exactly to approach you.” Gone was her bravado, her irritation, her rising temper. It was unnerving professing your feelings to someone you’re not sure would even like to be a friend. “I don’t want to force myself any more than you’d like. Because what if you were uncomfortable with all my advances? What if I’m being too friendly? Too pushy?”

 

 

Seungwan’s hesitation swims through her orbs, and Joohyun sees it directly. The gloom that clouded her figure resonated loudly within Joohyun’s proximity, reminding her of that one talk where the café owner was strangely silent.

 

 

“That’s why I try not to offer you anything I’d feel you’d reject anyway.”

 

 

She hears the faintest thrumming of the organ steadily quickening its pace inside her chest and under her focus it speeds up even more. Joohyun’s urge to reassure was screaming, drumming, rumbling, in her ears as Seungwan’s face contorted in a poorly veiled hurt.

 

 

“It’s okay.”

 

 

But why?

 

 

“I’m sorry. For making you feel that way.”

 

 

Why am I doing this?

 

 

She steps closer, her brain replaying the exact same way she’d done this before. As her palm glides smoothly along Seungwan’s back, she exhales softly to control the sound her chest is still making as her heart protests against her ribcage. One more and they’d connect. So close, but their chests never touching, she whispers, “I, uh, I don’t do–”

 

 

“You don’t do warm hugs. I know.”

 

 

Joohyun leaves one soft tap, and Seungwan breathes out through the space that Joohyun gives the both of them once again.

 

 

---

 

Seungwan decides she’s going to try to make this easy for Joohyun. Show how this could be easy if she could just let go.

 

 

It took her a moment to clear her head, dispel the explosion of warmth that a single tap from Joohyun could do to her. Then a question, “Can we have dinner at my place?”

 

 

She shifts nervously in her place, heart thudding over another possibility of a dismissal coating the older woman’s tongue.

 

 

It never comes. Joohyun is hushed, still, and Seungwan shifts even more. Just then a light flickers over her head, desperately hoping the idea could sway the former’s verdict.

 

 

“W-with Seul?”

 

 

Slowly, the tension within Seungwan’s nerves recoil in peace, the air within her lungs allowing her to breathe. Her smile decorated the road with a brightness that only Son Seungwan could bring.

 

 

With a strained nod, Joohyun accepts.

 

 

Seungwan pumps her fists in the air, eyes crinkling in bliss.

 

 

See? She can make this easy.

 

 

---

 

 

Dinner was a success. Seungwan thinks.

 

 

They don’t make it until after eating to chat, an affair at which Seulgi and herself had heavily carried. It was smooth– and with Seulgi, it was easy. The comfortability that hits Seungwan when paired with a soul such as Seulgi, she only wishes could happen with Joohyun too.

 

 

Joohyun is unsurprisingly quiet, though she’d respond when asked.

 

 

They speak about many things. Mostly about Seungwan.

 

 

At some point, Seulgi brings up Mina, teases her endlessly about her “crush”.

 

 

She shares Mina was the quiet type back then, that they frequently hung out in her room filled with purple, that Seungwan’s cupcakes were always baked to perfection and topped with something purple, just how the Japanese liked it.

 

 

Seulgi quips something about her being whipped and she responds with a shrug.

 

 

She was.

 

 

Her eyes stray to Joohyun– their eyes meet and for this time, Seungwan wonders what the former’s gaze meant.

 

 

Their staring is broken when a slap to the thigh reverberates around the room, Seulgi chortling as she cracks, “Gosh, how absolutely hilarious would it be if unnie were as whipped as you are when she was with–”

 

 

“I need to go to the bathroom. Excuse me.”

 

 

The wooden chair squeaks against the floor as it is thrown back, with Joohyun scrambling out of the kitchen to god knows where. She didn’t even ask where to find the restroom. The two youngest in the room follow with their eyes, blinking as they take in the sudden action.

 

 

The café owner does not waste any more time, prompting to follow Joohyun, but a hand shoots up to her wrist, effectively stopping her from rising out of her seat.

 

 

“Let her be,” Seulgi said. “She’ll be fine.”

 

 

Seungwan exhales before putting both her hands on her lap. There is momentary silence that enveloped the room, as the bear studies Seungwan.

 

 

“You, however,” Seulgi starts. “I have a question.”

 

 

The blonde meets Seulgi’s piercing stare, analyzing, a bit hesitating. Slowly, she asked, “ Do you like Joohyun unnie?”

 

 

What?

 

 

Seungwan’s eyes widen, spelling bewilderment with the unforeseen question. She supposes she could dismiss the question as a lighter, trivial matter, but she knows what it meant. She opens but no sound comes out of , as she is startled once more with a staggering realization– she can’t find it in her to refute the claim as she’d thought she would.

 

 

 

“I…”

 

 

Damn.

 

 

“I... I do.” Seungwan swallows heavily. Her eyes flicker to her hands, gathering her courage before raising to meet Seulgi’s again.

 

 

There is this sort of solemn nod that greets her, somehow striking how Seulgi kind of figured just so.

 

 

Seulgi’s unwavering gaze fixes at her even more, before muttering, “But why?”

 

 

Seungwan frowns. “Why why?”

 

 

She is yet to make peace with this piece of information that Seulgi throws at her, and now the bear asks her as if it’s a wonder to fall for Joohyun. Because Seungwan could tell exactly why.

 

“Sorry for that question. Unnie’s been through a lot– right now, I think it’s fair I doubt every person’s intentions with her,” the slightly older woman spells out. “Even if it’s you, Wan.”

 

 

Seulgi’s gentle sound and worried tone cut Seungwan’s confusion. Immediately, Seungwan breaks into a soft smile. Of course, Seulgi would worry. She’d been friends with Joohyun for longer– it’s only natural she’s protective, even over Seungwan who regularly provides for the bear’s coffee.

 

 

Pressing her lips together, Seungwan rushes through her reasons, of her whys and hows.

 

 

“There’s not really a single reason why,” she starts. “To some, it just happens.”

 

 

She didn’t even fully understand until Seulgi pointed it out.

 

 

“Joohyun is… she’s something else, isn’t she?” raising her brows, Seungwan looks over Seulgi for confirmation, at which the latter replies with a nod.

 

 

“There’s something holding her back,” Seungwan whispers as if breathing out a secret– an observation she wondered if Seulgi had noticed too. Her fist clenches and unclenches as she glances back down on her lap.

 

 

“Maybe she’s like that with everyone new, though we’ve known each for months,” Seungwan chuckles bitterly.

 

 

“Or maybe just with me? I don’t know.” She looks back up.

 

 

“What I do know is even with this discernable guard up around us,” Seungwan trails with a tender smile, “–is that Joohyun is… Joohyun’s a good person.”

 

 

The two friends end up with a smile, and just then, the words flow easier for Seungwan to let out.

 

 

“I know she’s so much more than she thinks she’s letting me see. I know that she cares. That she’s kind to a fault.”

 

 

When there’s so little that you’re allowed to see, you become highly aware of the rare moments you get to witness. Like when Joohyun smiles fondly over Seulgi’s stories. Her excitement over the most trivial things like a beautiful sky– or the crinkle in the corner of her eyes because of a really good carrot cake.

 

 

“My little notes are usually received without much enthusiasm, I know,” she continues. “But after reading, she folds it in half and tucks it into wherever she could tuck it– her pants or wallet.” Seungwan smiles as her memory replays their gazes meeting after Joohyun elicits a scoff on her note.

 

 

“It’s because she keeps them, doesn’t she? She’s sentimental like that.” She lets out a breathy laugh, one that has Seulgi’s mouth tugging up in a corner, neither denying nor confirming Seungwan’s hunch.

 

 

“And I know she agreed to this dinner because I looked too pitiful and would look even more pathetic if she declined again,” she pauses. “And I took advantage of that but–”

 

 

She gulps.

 

 

“It’s not wrong, right?” Seungwan fidgets in her seat as she mumbles, “To want to know more of her.”

 

 

Seungwan nervously observes Seulgi and her reaction, gauging her response to all her past actions. As she glances, Seulgi’s mouth and her eyes smile, soon morphing into full blown cackling in a matter of seconds. Her laughter sends Seungwan into a fit of bafflement, though her nerves eased the more Seulgi filled the room with her own melody.

 

 

“You just did a whole essay,” Seulgi speaks in tides of laughter that fail to ebb through . It wasn’t supposed to be too serious, she just wanted to confirm her guess. Seulgi acknowledges that whatever she thinks doesn’t matter, because what matters most is only what Joohyun decides.

 

 

“Though I appreciate the sincerity.” Seulgi is still chuckling as she holds Seungwan’s hand. “It’s really easy to get a reaction out of you, Wan.”

 

 

There is a moment of pause, then Seungwan throws the hands that keeps hers as she exclaims, eyes wide in disbelief, “Excuse me?!”

 

 

“See? This is why unnie always teases you! You’re even too easy to fool.” Seulgi is happily clapping now, boisterous laugh this time blended with Seungwan’s pout.

 

 

“I’m not easy to fool!”

 

 

“Oh, you are!”

 

 

“You’re like this now, but you’ll miss this ‘fool’ once I leave for Canada.”

 

 

How dare Kang Seulgi have the gall to call her a fool, when her face has scrunched into inexplicable bounds like an impossibly cuddly bear in pain— all because of a bluff that Seungwan blurts out of the blue. She wants to howl in laughter, really. But she wants to savor this moment, so she gets to return the favor of calling the other woman a fool.

 

 

“What? NO!”

 

 

She pretends to comfort Seulgi, now latched on her shoulders, patting her as if to calm her down. She hovers over the other’s ear, her soothing voice showering the bear with efforts of consolation, just so she could prolong Seulgi’s agony and make her look ridiculous in the end.

 

 

But before she could do so, Joohyun appears by the other end of the table, brows raising on their position and a wailing Seulgi. She waves it off as nothing, and Joohyun proceeds to ask for the bathroom this time.

 

 

Once Joohyun walks out, Seungwan whispers, “Now who’s the fool?”

 

 

Seungwan chortles through explaining her bluff.

 

 

Her arms may have been bruised, but she thinks it was a good night.

 

 

---

 

 

Joohyun thinks something has changed with Son Seungwan.

 

 

When you’re dubbed as a person who’s silent, what you usually end up is being observant. And there is a lot to note with Seungwan.

 

 

Her scribbles have taken a bit of a turn. What were once inquiries about anything under the sun, were now questions ranging from Joohyun’s favorite food, childhood memories, and a character she prefers to see in a person.

 

 

“Hyun,” Seungwan mutters, another change, a new variation of her name, “You like carrot cake, don’t you?”

 

 

“I enjoy it.”

 

 

“Great! I’ll be baking it.”

 

 

“I don’t need you to be baking something for me again, Seungwan.”

 

 

“It’s for Seulgi, though?”

 

 

At this, Joohyun looks away and purses her lips. “Oh.”

 

 

“Kidding! But I’m still giving it to Seulgi, you can eat it with her if you want~" the blonde coos.

 

 

Joohyun scoffs in return, fully believing the younger woman is a grown up child. In no way is she allowing herself to taste a cake baked by a child.

 

 

When Seulgi arrives dashing through her door, however, the cake looked enticing; she bet it tasted heavenly. Son Seungwan doesn’t have to know she took a bite. And another. And another until there was nothing left.

 

 

…

 

 

 

The next week, grown up child Seungwan reappears disregarding any sort of space Joohyun has established with their relationship.

 

 

“Come on, Hyun. Seulgi wouldn’t tell, but I know you never lie,” Seungwan pouts, ridiculously childish, and Joohyun is briefly tempted to put her palm over her lips, just so she could feel how soft —her thoughts halt, backtracking to rewrite itself— just so she could stop this act once and for all.

 

 

“Come on…”

 

 

A poke on her shoulder. A louder whine. For the last offence, Seungwan’s lower lip juts out, which had Joohyun deeply breathing out.

 

 

“Fine. I keep your notes. Happy?” Joohyun grumbles. She never planned on telling the younger, but the measures she took to churn the truth out of her were plainly absurd. She couldn’t stand it.

 

 

A bashful, beaming smile welcomes the raven-haired woman, and for once, maybe it was worth telling her the small information.

 

 

“Very!”

 

 

A swift move renders the air in Joohyun’s lungs to force their way out when Seungwan jumps into her embrace without a warning.

 

 

“I know you don’t do warm hugs, but I do,” Seungwan breathes steadily, as if any more haste action would burst through the frozen Joohyun in her arms. “Thank you. It means a lot to me.”

 

 

Joohyun is frozen, but her chest whirrs out of rhythm, as it does every time they are in close proximity.

 

 

She wonders if Seungwan feels it too.

 

 

...

 

 

On other occasions of their casual sidewalk talk routine, Seungwan is serious.

 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

 

"Attachments are pointless because they only hurt you when people leave," Joohyun shrugs.

 

 

"That is if people leave."

 

 

The older woman’s features scrunch, “But they do?”

 

 

“You think people only come to leave?”

 

 

The older woman nods.

 

 

"What do you think of Seulgi then?"

 

 

"She doesn't count. She's been there since I could remember having any friends. She's family."

 

 

"Well then…" Seungwan trails, lightly chewing on her bottom lip. "What about me? You think I'd leave?"

 

 

The thought has Joohyun pausing, choosing the right words to admit that she knows it’s "Highly probable."

 

 

An uncomfortable beat in her heart booms at the idea, but she brushes it off. She just has to prepare herself in one way or another. No one stays for an unfeeling, cold, and aloof person such as herself. She just has to live with it.

 

 

"Highly probable?" Seungwan repeats.

 

 

"Uh huh."

 

 

"Why would I leave?"

 

 

So, so, so many reasons. Not one Joohyun would like to utter out in the middle of this sidewalk.

 

 

Because the right response is one question.

 

 

"Why would you stay?"

 

 

Some nonexistent fence must have appeared that only Seungwan could see, as she trips on air and chokes on her own breath. Joohyun senses the sudden tension on the younger’s shoulder and the awkward cough, eliciting a scoff and a bitter grin on .

 

 

Too many reasons to leave. Not one reason to stay.

 

 

She heads on, brushing ahead of Seungwan so she could reach her building faster. But her wrist is captured, effectively halting her urgency. The hand slides to her own, filling the spaces between her fingers, enveloping her in a warmth akin to the younger woman’s hug. One that’s subdued and just a tad less overwhelming to her senses. She glances and her protests get stuck in —

 

 

Seungwan’s stare dig into her own dark brown orbs, shining with a fire of determination– unblinking as she vows, "Just you see. I won't."

 

 

Joohyun almost believes her.

 

 

…

 

 

What seems most strange, and one that most annoys her, is Seungwan's openness. It astonishes her how freely the younger woman shares to Joohyun what Joohyun would never share to Seungwan.

 

 

It's mainly about Mina.

 

 

Mina, Mina, Mina.

 

 

Her sweet best friend. Her little penguin.

 

 

The quiet girl in class, just like Joohyun. Loves purple, just like Joohyun, and oh, "Wow, Hyun! You dance too? That's amazing, do you know Mina does ballet?"

 

 

As if Joohyun needed to know.

 

 

Seungwan doesn't have to explicitly spell out how she treasures her best friend in front of her. They haven't even seen each other yet.

 

 

If anything, Joohyun might think Seungwan's still hung up.

 

 

She hopes she's wrong. That would be bad for Seungwan.

 

 

---

 

 

Seungwan feels another wave of pain stab through her skull, the ringing on her door adding even more to the discomfort.

 

 

The week hadn’t been much of a sweetheart to her. For the past four days, her body temperature fluctuated from too high to too cold, her nose blocked that barely allowed her to breathe, and her bin has been full since yesterday, jammed with snot-filled tissues.

 

 

To her relief, today is another day, and she’s been feeling better since this morning.

 

 

Another demanding sound from the door doused her from her much wanted sleep, grumbling as she clambered out of bed.

 

 

“I’m here! Calm down.”

 

 

She’d devised a few words to whoever had disturbed her rest, however, it was unexpected to find this person on her past her door’s footstep.

 

 

Joohyun looked visibly relieved to see Seungwan appear, albeit the latter showing up with a disgruntled face. The former stood there, sweeping her view from the latter’s features to her entirely small frame donning a gray hoodie. It was disconcerting for Seungwan, to see the older focused solely on her.

 

 

When their gazes flicker back to meet, Joohyun spluttered, “I win.”

 

 

Seungwan frowns. There are two things wrong here: One, she doesn’t remember ever having a bet or a deal with Joohyun— two, the latter doesn’t even seem too happy to have “won”.

 

 

What?

 

 

Sensing her confusion, Joohyun expounds. “You’re leaving.”

 

 

What?!

 

 

“Wha– How did you even think that?” Seungwan says, utterly dumbfounded. The older woman has now proceeded to brush past the threshold, scanning the room as if searching for something.

 

 

“Have you packed? When are you leaving for Canada?”

 

 

“Wait. What are you saying?!”

 

 

Joohyun disregards her questions, frowning as she continues, “You don’t have to lie to me. I heard you with Seul that night we had dinner. Poor kid looked like she had her candy stolen.”

 

 

Seungwan’s eyebrows scrunch as she scurries through her memories, sighing when she had remembered. “You heard that?”

 

 

“Yes.”

 

 

"How much did you hear?"

 

 

The moment Seungwan asks, her blood freezes over the thought of Joohyun hearing her confession. That's not the way she preferred the older woman would find out.

 

 

"Enough to know you're leaving." Joohyun declares, arms akimbo.

 

 

Okay. So she didn't hear.

 

 

Another thought speeds its way to her mind.

 

 

And it leaves her giddy, the possibility of the older woman rushing to her place just because she’d been gone for a few days. That’s why she was pretty sure I’d leave.

 

 

“Uhm, Joohyun…” Seungwan trails, unsure how to explain how she was making fun of Seul. And that she never intended to fool Joohyun too.

 

 

She lays it out as carefully as she could.

 

 

Once she was done, she traced the small ripples of changes that transformed the woman’s face. Joohyun averts her eyes, shifting from one foot to another. She visibly gulped and deeply exhaled as she ran her hand through her hair– her dark locks that were freely flowing today, Seungwan notes.

 

 

She tried, but she couldn’t so Seungwan sported an amused smirk, leaning on the wall to her left. "...Was that why you came here?"

 

 

Joohyun’s eyes widen. "No way."

 

 

She cleared , maybe to buy her time, as the raven-haired woman adds, “I ran out of coffee.”

 

 

At that, Joohyun evidently winces, turning around to block Seungwan from observing her any more. She saunters to the kitchen and proceeding in a strained tone though probably an effort to sound casual, she says, “So where’s your coffee?”

 

 

The blonde wanted to laugh, really. She wanted to lock the other in a hug, just to express how this was too cute for her heart to take, but she didn’t want her to feel even more embarrassed than she is now. She hovers near Joohyun’s back, whispering in her low voice, “Here.”

 

 

The older yelps and jumps, surprised at their closeness. She feels the exhilaration to every end of her nerves as Joohyun pads her palm over Seungwan's pounding chest. “W-w-what are you– I can take it myself!” she exclaims as she pushes Seungwan back.

 

 

This time Seungwan warrants a chuckle, raising both her arms in surrender. “Okay.” She leans on her table, Joohyun’s back still her. She was whipping over containers on the counter. Frankly, the younger woman didn’t know how to lessen the awkwardness for the older, so she just brings out an explanation.

 

 

“I was sick. That’s why I’ve been gone for a while.”

 

 

A pause.

 

 

“What?” Joohyun shifts, poring over her appearance, frowning when she hears Seungwan sniffle. She has only noticed now that the latter did look paler than usual. “Why didn’t you tell Seul? She could’ve taken care of you.”

 

 

“Why not you? Don’t you want to take care of me?”

 

 

“Why would you want me to take care of you?”

 

 

“Because I like you.”

 

 

“W-w-what?!” Joohyun stutters again, backing away until her hips collide on the counter. “Yah, what are you saying!”

 

 

“You heard me.”

 

 

 

“I like–”

 

 

Joohyun interrupts whatever absurd ideas Seungwan had on her sleeves. “Stop! I’m not listening to you.” She raises a finger. “Stand still. Stay there.”

 

 

In a few moments, Joohyun has bolted out the door, faster than Seungwan could anticipate.

 

 

---

 

 

****

I like it when people stay.

Because I'm their friend. Because we're family.

It all boils down to one thing: love.

Love is the best reason there is to stay.

****

 

 

Joohyun sighs, folding the new note Seungwan had for her today. She fights the smile threatening to bloom on her face, resists the urge to send a shy look at Seungwan’s way.

 

 

Her thoughts race a thousand miles an hour, trying to piece a puzzle she’s not sure she wants to figure out. When she ran out of the younger's place, it was so she could calm the buzz in her veins when she heard what Seungwan had said. It took a while but when she had gained her bearing, she came back with food and determination to take care of the younger women herself.

 

 

It drove almost drove her crazy, the way the blonde asked to be held, as if Joohyun was enough to warm her up. She had her own blanket!

 

 

The way she whined to be fed, as if Joohyun was the only way to fill her up. She had her own hand!

 

 

Her mind was filled with curses she so desperately wanted to yell through the open air, with the way Seungwan cuddled to her chest. Even then it was not enough, for she later would snuggle deeper into Joohyun’s neck and her brows would flutter drowsily to gently caress the older woman's skin. Her breath would slow to a gentle lull– something that does nothing to slow the pulse responsible for the heavy thud in her chest. Joohyun wonders how Seungwan had been comfortable enough to sleep.

 

 

But all at the same time, it was so warm. She was certain Seungwan brought the warmth instead of her. She was certain of the small smile on her face when she remembers everything had been a ploy to trick Seulgi after all. She was just an unfortunate victim.

 

 

Maybe she could believe Seungwan's promise to stay.

 

 

Grinning at the last thought, Joohyun ultimately decides to travel where her eyes could see Seungwan.

 

 

Only to be met with the sight of her hugging another woman she didn't recognize.

 

 

Seungwan was all bright and filled with sunshine, as she clearly displays her pearly white teeth, her best smile, and her laughter gracing Joohyun’s ears. From where she sat, she frisks over the younger woman fixing the other girl's hair, dragging her with her hands towards the counter.

 

 

What the hell.

 

 

Just how close are they for this girl to be allowed to that side? And allowed to choose what she wanted?

 

 

A few moments later, Seungwan and Joohyun’s eyes meet, and when the latter didn't think it to be possible, the former's smile glows even more.

 

 

Seungwan signals the girl to acknowledge Joohyun and when she turns, the older woman's jaw slacks. She barely caught it but she makes out Seungwan mouthing, "This is Mina!"

 

 

Then it came as a blow, how seriously gorgeous Mina was. Her brown locks, captivating eyes, and moles dotting her face– it definitely plastered an innocent air about her that could make you want know her more.

 

 

She was unprepared, when their next move was towards her table.

 

 

This is the woman Seungwan fell in love with. Clearly, she isn't–

 

 

"Joohyun."

 

 

A voice brings her out of her stupor. A man's voice.

 

 

"Suho."

 

 

One that she never expects to hear in the corner of this café. One that sends her body to a pause only to grow ever more rigid than the last time.

 

 

"I didn't expect to see you here."

 

 

Neither did I. But here we are.

 

 

Her gaze travel to his hand, enclosed with another's– a person unfamiliar to her. The woman had an intimidating air around her, tightening her grasp against the man.

 

 

She sneers. As if she'd wanted this.

 

 

A moment ago she was perfectly fine. Her mood lightened with Seungwan's words, allowing herself for a good half her day off any stress.

 

 

She didn't want a reminder from the past. First from Seungwan's past and now this.

 

 

The reason she stayed up all night figuring out just what's wrong with her. Why nobody understood or at least tried to.

 

 

constricts even without words pushing itself out.

 

 

The universe is apparently sending her this sign. Just snapping through her illusions of happiness. This was sent her way to reiterate just why she had been left behind at the altar, why this person found someone else, why she should've just let her guard so goddamn high up not even Seungwan's sneaky, pesky, childish antics could ever climb over.

 

 

Because sooner or later everyone's going to get their happiness and she's going to be alone.

 

 

"So, this is Jennie…" Suho starts. Pointing to her the man continues, "Jennie, this is Joohyun."

 

 

She opens , hands moving forward to be polite. It was in total contrast with her brain that, even when impossible, was hurting from discomfort.

 

 

Her hand does not reach for the woman, however, because Seungwan arrives at the perfect moment to capture their attention.

 

 

"Hi, sorry!" She tugs on Joohyun’s arm. "I kind of need Joohyun now."

 

 

Everything came to a blur after.

 

 

Seungwan's "Are you okay?" she responded to with a shake of her head.

 

 

Her "I want to be alone" brought her over to Seungwan's apartment. Television on some random channel, a glass of water offered as soon as she sat down.

 

 

It was early in the morning, but when she mutters, "I want alcohol" Seungwan obliges as easily as if she understood.

 

 

Soon after, everything felt numb.

 

 

Just like she wants.

 

 

---

 

 

It was already midnight when the chill of the air brushed past Joohyun’s skin, her shiver rousing her from her slumber. She groaned as her consciousness awakes, pain throbbing through her skull like a thousand tiny needles.

 

 

The room was dimly lit, but Joohyun could make out one window open, allowing for the wind to gently whisper into the quiet night.

 

 

The quiet night.

 

 

The moon was up. Stars filled the sky.

 

 

.

 

 

"Shoot, shoot, shoot!" Her body immediately shoots up from lying, registering her one hand was held by the woman beside her.

 

 

Seungwan jolts at the loud volume.

 

 

"Joohyun…" the younger woman drowsily drawls.

 

 

"You didn't wake me up!" Joohyun yells. "I told you I had a meeting late in the afternoon!"

 

 

The loudness stirs Seungwan completely awake now, exhaling as stretches and groans. Looking up she breathes, "Yes? But that was before you got yourself drunk."

 

 

"The meeting would not just miraculously move just because I drank, Seungwan."

 

 

Her tone was low, but Joohyun’s voice sounded dangerously on the edge. "I asked you to wake me up."

 

 

"I understand, but how would you even function if–"

 

 

Joohyun’s eyes dim, unclasping their still tethered hands. "Do you understand ? Do you really? I asked you just this one simple thing. But you can't even do it."

 

 

Seungwan bites her lip. Now purposely lifting her head, regarding the other to ascertain her mood. Slowly, she returns, "I understand that. But I was more worried about how you'd hold yourself up if you arrived not feeling well."

 

 

"I can handle myself, Son Seungwan!" Joohyun jerks up, her words resounding sharply to reach Seungwan’s ears.

 

 

The younger woman scans the other’s contorted features, the way the other possibly winced from the headache alcohol caused.

 

 

"Look,” Seungwan starts calmly. She can’t afford to be swayed by the apparent bite the other was throwing at her. “I'm sorry, okay? I know it's a work meeting, it's important, but earlier, I thought I'd should care more about–"

 

 

Joohyun snarls.

 

 

"You don't care."

 

 

And it came to hit Seungwan directly where it hurts. Both breathed in and out, letting a moment fall into the space between the younger woman on the bed and Joohyun standing at the side, fists shaking.

 

 

"Who do you think you are?" Joohyun voiced under her breath, laced coldly with venom.

 

 

Heart beating fast, Seungwan wills herself to rise, to tread with heavy steps towards the other’s retreating figure. "Hyun? She breathes. “Is this still about the meeting?" She reaches out, but it only spurs Joohyun to move away.

 

 

"Who do you think you are to make a decision for me? To strut your way into my life when I do everything in me to shut you out?"

 

 

Seungwan closes her eyes.

 

 

"You don't care. You just want to help yourself. You want to make up for the blame you put on yourself when you walked through that church."

 

 

Joohyun’s voice warped through her muddled brain, eyes still shut, prohibiting herself to be hit with a steely gaze potent enough to weaken her knees.

 

 

"I told you to forget about it, didn't I?" The woman quivers.

 

 

Seungwan forces herself not to crumble.

 

 

"Taking me home, giving me food, baking for me, pretending to get to know me with those pretentious notes because you think I need a friend— all these. You prance about my business like the good, conscientious person you are. And you know what? You need to move on."

 

 

Seungwan gasps, the tremor in her hands and the tears at the edge of a precipice– ready to fall. The ground seemed like a good companion to curl up against, to hide the effect Joohyun was successfully bringing out to her.

 

 

Something must have evoked these feelings out of Joohyun.

 

 

She understands.

 

 

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

 

 

Suddenly, something clears within Seungwan. After all this time, she still couldn't grasp exactly what makes Joohyun act this way. But now everything is falling into place. Everything just clicks.

 

 

"So this is why you're like this, huh?" She chuckled bitterly.

 

 

"To you, I'm still that same person who dashed through that church's halls and screamed a bloody "Stop this wedding!" Her gut clenches, seeing the other stoically regard her.

 

 

"I'm still the idiot who's in love with her best friend, the idiot who gave you free coffee because I wanted to find a way to make up for the guilt somehow."

 

 

After so long, this is why. Seungwan sees her reflection in those dark orbs– it’s blurry, a shadow of who she thought the older saw.

 

 

But to her, in the deepest recesses of her mind, Seungwan was still the same person she first met.

 

 

Joohyun told her to forget, but it seemed Joohyun was stubborn to remember. To never let go.

 

 

"You think I'm still stuck on her because I treat you exactly the same way— I try again and again to take care of you exactly the same way."

 

 

It was easy, Seungwan thought. She thought she could have made it easier for Joohyun. But here they are, standing a feet apart and not one sound of disagreement leave Joohyun’s lips about everything– everything she never intended to be and never was.

 

 

"Well, aren't you? Don't you?" Joohyun’s look of doubt and disdain hurled across where Seungwan stood.

 

 

She closes her eyes to inhale deeply, containing the emotions heavily stirring deep inside her.

 

 

"Hell no, I don't." She makes sure to fix her sight straight through her eyes, "Because I don't call you every night to fuss over your skipped meals, I don't visit you to work to deliver your favorite cupcakes, and I definitely do not kiss your forehead before you drift to sleep."

 

 

Joohyun’s look visibly hardens, the most she’d let Seungwan see.

 

 

"But you want to do it, don't you? Do everything you used to do to her to me?"

 

 

Seungwan’s heart beats faster. Imagining how she wishes she could. Desperately wishes she could.

 

 

Hold her, take her, love her.

 

 

"I do."

 

 

In a flicker of rage, eyes wide, Joohyun covers the distance between their bodies. "Then damn you!" A fresh swell of emotions pour over her exclamation. Her voice breathless in anger.

 

 

Joohyun raises her fists, vibrating in welled up frustration. "Damn–” She pounds quickly into Seungwan’s chest with contained fury, as if it could hurt Seungwan more.”– You!"

 

 

She feverishly clutches onto Seungwan’s sleeves, then onto the fabric near her collar. "I'm not her! I will never be her! I'm not just your second choice. I'm another breathing, living, feeling,” Joohyun pauses. She must be feeling, she thought. If she didn’t it wouldn’t hurt this much. “–person. Stop projecting whatever could've been and laying it on me to play her role because I'm so tired–" Joohyun halts, hiccups with unshed tears.

 

 

"I'm– I just–" She thought she could keep it in, but without warning she sobs, rain falling in her eyes.

 

 

Buried in Seungwan’s chest, she whimpers, "When will I ever be loved for being me?"

 

 

Seungwan's heart breaks as huge waves of sobs vibrate through her chest, a figure slumped in muffled cries that drowns in her shirt.

 

 

Joohyun wakes up in soundless dreams and falls to restless sleeps that convinces her something’s wrong. So wrong with her.

 

 

Being left at the altar feels like a slap– like walking in a dark road thinking at the end comes the light– but no, there’s only darkness for her. Nobody with her. Nobody to hold her hand.

 

 

Now she’s reminded even more, there’s nobody for her, because she’s nothing but a reflection of who Seungwan wanted to love.

 

 

"Joohyun," Seungwan breaks through her daze, as if pulling her out of the shadows, "I'm so sorry."

 

 

"Yeah. You're all sorry. That's how it always ends."

 

 

"No, no, no–"

 

 

"Hyun, when I say I want to do everything I used to do, I meant it."

 

 

Joohyun’s grip tightens, stomach wrenching.

 

 

"But– please listen to me first,” tenderly, Seungwan cups her cheek. "That's just because it's who I am."

 

 

Her thumb traces the speck of rainfall on her cheeks, the continuous flowing of hurt dampening her skin. "It's how I show how much I lo– how much I care."

 

 

A peck on her forehead. "It's the way I know how, it's the way I wish I had been loved since I was young."

 

 

Seungwan’s voice sounded like a lullaby as her chin is tilted so their eyes could meet. "And I know you're different.”

 

 

Joohyun swallows.

 

 

"Didn't I just tell you I don't treat you the way I treat her?"

 

 

"Because I don't call you every night to fuss over your skipped meals, I don't visit you to work to deliver your favorite cupcakes, and I definitely do not kiss your forehead before you drift to sleep."

 

 

Of course, go ahead, remind Joohyun more.

 

 

"Didn't you just tell me you still wished you could?"

 

 

"Yeah. Of course I wish I could treat you that way."

 

 

Joohyun blinks before she deadpans, "Because you wish you could have Mina instead."

 

 

"What? No,” Seungwan vehemently denies. They were running in circles, Joohyun’s mind murky with reasons thrown only to protect herself.

 

 

"I only wished so, but I never tried. Because you're Joohyun. You're not Mina. I know that. Please trust me on this." She digs deep into the other, making sure she understands. "You're Joohyun. I know you'd tell me you hate it."

 

 

Joohyun keeps mum as she closes her eyes. Strained to shout a clear no, because when she thinks about it, she doesn’t think she’d hate it. She wouldn’t.

 

 

"I'm over her, Joohyun,” Seungwan murmurs, gentle yet firm. "I need you to understand that. I need you to understand I want to do these things solely because–" her voice gets stuck in .

 

 

"Because it's you."

 

 

Seungwan hears Joohyun’s sharp inhale.

 

 

"B-because… I love you.” Her words brand themselves onto Joohyun’s skin, lips touching the side of her temple to whisper, “I love you. Joohyun. My Joohyun.”

 

 

---

 

 

 

"Oh, Seungwannie. You know we never would have worked out, right?"

 

 

"How do you know that for sure?"

 

 

"I always depended on you. You always gave. And I selfishly took it all. We never would have made it."

 

 

"... I think I liked it too much. That I knew you felt something for me. It made me feel proud, to have someone who liked–"

 

 

"Loved."

 

 

"–loved me a little more than I did."

 

 

How can the past and the present come together? How come they bring nothing but chaos?

 

 

Several nights later, Seungwan returns to the normalcy that being in the café brings. The calm that the night evokes is what led her here, by the side of the road, strolling amidst the busy bouts of figures– cars that speed past her.

 

 

She hadn’t talked to Joohyun since that night, she had been too weak to hold any longer to the older woman’s weight, leading them back to bed. Seungwan held her, for as long as she could, until her breaths evened and they fell into slumber.

 

 

She wakes up in a bed devoid of the other’s heat.

 

 

There’s nothing she could do, right? At least she made it clear before Joohyun became a figment of her imagination, the muse in her sweet dreams.

 

 

"Hey, you.” A voice breaks her out of her spell.

 

 

Ha. Of course Joohyun would appear now. Even without turning her back, Seungwan recognized this richness. A texture she’d come to familiarize.

 

 

"Hey."

 

 

Silence.

 

 

Seungwan continues her stroll, soft pats of feet on the concrete filling the air until Joohyun walks up beside her.

 

 

Staring straight ahead, she feels Joohyun’s eyes on her, as she rasps, "I'm sorry."

 

 

A beat.

 

 

"It's okay. I should thank you, even."

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

"For letting me in."

 

 

Joohyuns brows furrow as she slows them down by seizing the sleeve of Seungwan’s coat. "I just doubted every intention you had for your actions."

 

 

Seungwan glances at Joohyun. In the midst of her confusion, mouth tugged down to a frown, Seungwan thought she was beautiful. "Yeah. That hurt. But I needed it to understand. That's what I wanted this whole time."

 

 

She gracelessly scratched her nape, if only to detach Joohyun’s grasp on her clothes. "If not for that, I wouldn't know why. So thank you– for telling me what you feel. I am incredibly honored."

 

 

Joohyun lets out a breathless laugh. "You're insane."

 

 

Tears burn at the back of Seungwan’s eyes when Joohyun grins, chest constricting at the need to hold. She missed her. Incredibly so.

 

 

Instead she smirks, mirth coating her tongue. "Communication is the key, no? One secret to successful relationships."

 

 

The night is young and hopeful, and Seungwan dreams that by the end of this, the glimmer in Joohyun’s eyes mean something good.

 

 

"Hmm. Then shall I tell you this?"

 

 

Please do. Tell me everything from now on.

 

 

"...I realized I haven't healed, Wan."

 

 

"Uh huh." Seungwan nods with a hum.

 

 

Joohyun looks down, locks both her hands in Seungwan’s. "I need time. I can't– don't want to hurt you. I want to be better than who I am now. Someone who deserves you. Someone I owe myself to become."

 

 

This. Their hands fit perfectly like they were made for each other. Seungwan can’t let this go.

 

 

"I'll wait."

 

 

"You don't have to."

 

 

"Yeah. But I want to. So I will."

 

 

Joohyun wanted to promise herself, promise Seungwan. She wanted to sweep her off her feet even when the future is undecided and Seungwan might forget about her. But even now, the younger is first to reassure her.

 

 

Joohyun opens then closes , uncertain on how to express the flurry of emotions that weigh heavily on her chest at Seungwan’s words. Instead, she opted to lean closer. "I-I promise I will be better."

 

 

Their foreheads touch.

 

 

"It's just that– I want to–" An inch closer and their mouth could touch, sending Joohyun’s thoughts into a frenzy. It's dizzying, the spell of Seungwan's breath over her lips, a ghost touch that she aches to feel.

 

 

"God." Joohyun whispers, her voice trembling. "I want to kiss you. So bad. So selfishly bad."

 

 

It’s shaky, the way her voice sounds, the way her eyes flutter, the way her chest tightens. She’s never wanted it this much— to feel.

 

 

"When are you just going to stop holding yourself back from what you want– especially when it's readily yours for the taking?" Seungwan firmly demands.

 

 

The embers of want burn even brighter, morphing to raging fire that Joohyun fared to scrape only a single word out . "What."

 

 

"Stop it. Stop stopping yourself with me. I give, give, and give because I just want you to take everything. Sometimes you don't have to think. Sometimes you don't have to worry about what to give back. You don't have to rationalize things like–"

 

 

Before she could burst, Joohyun takes Seungwan’s lips. Right square in , unmoving, still— feeling. A few seconds of just breathing the same air, Joohyun moves with purpose. Their lips part, heighting Joohyun’s senses. It’s warm and right; the way they move against each other, exploring, searching, memorizing.

 

 

Seungwan presses harder and Joohyun shudders, gripping tighter on her shoulders, one hand travelling to Seungwan’s cheek as their kiss deepens. For a moment, she forgets they’re in at the sidewalk, blocks the blaring of vehicles thick against the pavement— only her and her Seungwan. Just their lips pressed together, tongues clashing and slick.

 

 

Until they gasp for air and Joohyun breaks it off for them.

 

 

Seungwan follows , a whine leaving her lips at Joohyun’s action.

 

 

The older woman chuckles as she asks, "...Like this?"

 

 

The younger kisses the corner of . "Yeah."

 

 

“I should let go like this?”

 

 

Seungwan exhaled. "....Yeah. Exactly."

 

 

Hearts pounding to the same beat, smiling the same cheeky smile, the two women let the moment leave them breathless.

 

 

After a while, Joohyun bursts their happy little bubble to the same warm tap on Seungwan’s back.

 

 

She backs away, grinning as she declares, "This is not a goodbye. But I'll come back to you, Son Seungwan.” Her look turns wistful, as she ends, “Just you wait."

 

 

They share a look, one of the many Seungwan has given Joohyun before.

 

 

Now, Joohyun slowly steps away, soon waving to the younger, her promise locked into the quiet night.

 

 

And Seungwan believes her.

 

 

---

 

 

Author's notes:

 

 

Yay! Done.

 

 

I feel like the story needs an epilogue just because I love fluff and happy endings more than anything, but yikes, I also thought the fic was too damn long 😂 if you're reading this, thank you for even getting to this part!

 

 

Even when I think it's too many words, I hope you enjoyed it! Who knows, someday, I might add another chapter on my own aff account once the fest ends. But for now, this is it! Thank you so much. 💙💗

 

 

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