...Eunha unnie?

After scanning her smooth back, I begin to take notice of my environment. Though, it's a tad difficult with the way my head is pulsing.

Wha—

Where's my shirt?

Where's unnie's shirt? And her pants? 

Where are we?

Did we... what did we do?

I retract my arm from her waist, and she stirs and slowly wakes up. "Eunbi..." Turning to her other side, her sleepy eyes look into my barely-awake ones. "Go back to sleep..." she says, and dips her head into my neck. She places a small kiss before closing her eyes again.

For a moment, it was warm. It's amazing. I almost close my eyes and go back to sleep.

But then, I remember I have someone. 

Someone I'm trying to get back.

I slip out of bed, not bothering to be gentle or quiet anymore.

"Eunbi, what's going on?" she mutters, voice raspy, and hair unkempt.

"I can't be here." I try to look for my shirt, and I spot my jacket in the process, together with my shoes in the corner. My head is still spinning, so my legs barely have any strength in them.

"Why not?"

"Unnie, whatever we did, it should have never happened. I... I have Sojung." That didn't roll of my tongue as easily as I thought it would have. "I–I don't know what any of this means, but... you and I... you're my unnie."

I can't decipher the look in her eye, and it makes me feel nervous. "I have to go."

She doesn't say anything. 

Not when I pause with my hand on the door knob, nor when I'm out the door.

None of it makes sense. 

What do I tell Sojung?

I turn my phone on to see how to get back to campus. It's close, but too far for me to walk. Thankfully, the morning buses are already running, and there's a stop on the next street. 

My mouth and throat are dry, and my stomach's empty. I presume I barely got any sleep, and I'm having cold sweats because of the stress.

What do I tell Sojung?

A question that won't stop running in my mind, because I can't find a right answer. I can move on without her knowing about any of this. It'd be so easy. 

But that's not the right thing to do.

It would only end badly.

But then again... what exactly happened? If Eunha unnie and I really... then what does that say about me? 

Are my feelings for her coming back? Did they ever leave? Does she feel the same way?

Who is Sojung to me? I like her. I do. I like her. 

In front of her dorm room, I weigh my choices.

Sojung told me her roommate is gone. It's early in the morning. Eunha unnie is alone. I left her. I have to go back.

But I'm here. A couple of feet away from Sojung. Wanting to do the right thing.

I knock hard on her door a couple of times. I knock again when I hear no movement on the other side. As seconds go by, my body starts to shake as I overthink everything I've done the past months.

The door opens, and the only thing I can confess is, "Unnie... I messed up." 

When she sits me down on her bed, black dots my vision, and I dig my nails into my thighs to try and stay conscious. "Unnie... I didn't mean to do it... I didn't..."

"Didn't mean to do what?" I hear her ask quietly.

I mentally black out when I try to explain with words just spilling out of my mouth. Yet, I don't hear any mention of Eunha unnie from my mouth. "I don't know how far we went... b-but I wish it never happened in the first place." 

I regret it all—

Falling in love with Eunha unnie years ago. Repressing my feelings even when I met Sojung. Not having enough courage to stand up for myself and who I love. 

I messed it all up for myself. 

-

I don't realize I've fallen asleep until I wake up again and see Sojung sitting at her desk in front of me.

"Unnie..." I call out to her quietly.  "Unnie, you should get some sleep too..." She dips her head into her arms on her desk, and I refute with a whine. "That's not good for sleeping..." I open up my blanket, and in that moment, I don't realize what I'm offering. What makes me think Sojung would even want to be that close to me after what I did?

But she does.

And all my doubts go away when I feel the warmth of her skin. I try to go back to sleep, but it's difficult when the person I'm holding is obviously still awake. I think of doing something in hopes of helping her.

I kiss her. 

I want her to know I'm hers.

Only hers.

Right?

---

"Took you long enough." She avoids my eyes and proceeds to open her door, not sparing me another glance. I stop the door from closing and make my way in, with her acting like I'm not here. "Unnie."

"I'm not in the mood to talk," she says blankly.

"You haven't been in the mood to talk for over a week." Before I follow her, I pause to remove my shoes (because I have manners too.) "Unnie, we need to."

"Why?" She opens her fridge and takes some juice out, still having no emotion in her tone or face.

"Because... because you're my friend." She stills with her back turned towards me. "You're the one person I trust." I watch her torso move ever so slightly with every breath she took.

"Fine. Let's talk." Turning to me, she looks me dead in the eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. "Talk," she says like a command.

"About what we did... do you remember anything?" I ask, hesitant.

"You're gonna have to be more specific."

"...how far did we go?" I know it's still vague, but I'm hoping she understands.

She lets out a deep exhale through her nose, and looks down at the floor. "Not far. Your eyes could barely stay open once we got on the bed, so we both went to sleep."

"So that's why I couldn't remember..." I mumble to myself. Eunha unnie starts to walk away, and I follow again. "U-unnie." She turns and holds something out in her hands. When dropped into mine, I see it's my necklace that I didn't realize was missing.

"You left it here that night. Sorry it broke. It was hard to get it off of your neck," she deadpans. Ignoring me again, she goes to tidy up her bed by fixing the covers and the pillows.

"Unnie, why did we do it?" I ask as if it's the easiest question to answer. 

She answers after a moment, "We were drunk."

"We've been drunk around each other many times before, but we've never done something like this," I try to refute.

"...things change, I guess."

I put my hand on arm to get her to stop what she's doing and look at me. "But what exactly has changed?"

She scoffs. "Oh, you're asking me what's changed? I'm not the one who ditches their friend to spend time with this girl she won't ever talk about for some reason! I'm not the one that doesn't talk to their friend about what's going on in their life anymore!" She jerks her arm away, and looks at me with anger I've never seen before. "I'm not the one that used me every time you were bored."

"Used you? Because I was bored?" I say, offended. "Where the hell is this coming from?! If I remember correctly, you were the one that started whatever game we played that night. Or how about we go back further? I was in my senior year, and you would have me be your 'girlfriend' just to turn down whoever was even remotely interested in you. Or when you used to kiss me by surprise and say that it's a joke. Was that fun? Did that quench your boredom?"

"Because you never wanted me!" She takes a breath, and runs a hand over her face. "At least, not in the way I want you."

Not in the way I want you.

Want.

Not wanted.

Eunha unnie wants me.

Eunbi, you're as dense as concrete.

"What makes you think I never wanted you?" I confess. "Why do you think I wanted you as my first kiss? Why do you think I chose this university even though it was my third pick? Why do you think I only hang out with you?!" I see her face contort in surprise, but I look away because of what I want to say next. "Unnie, I never wanted to say anything because I was young, and I was scared of losing my friend."

My hand slides down back to my side, and I clench my jaw as my eyes wander her face. "But you're a little too late. I have Sojung now. I can't give it up just for what could've been."

Another moment of deafening silence. Half a meter apart, and we don't look eye to eye anymore both physically and emotionally.

"Then forget any of this happened; forget about us." She sits at her desk without another word, and I feel my chest hurt. I leave immediately, not bothering to say any goodbye.

---

Years down the drain just like that.

She was the closest thing to a best friend. I never wanted to call her that because I never wanted to accept that we'll be just friends.

Why does life never like me to have nice things? 

Why d—

"-bi."

"Hm?" My eyes refocus to the woman in front of me.

"Do you like it?"

My eyes shift to the pink scrunchie that she tied around her hair to put into a low ponytail. I've never been a fan of pink, but I guess I can make an exception. "It's cute," I say. 

"I usually just use elastics, so I don't really know how to make this look 'good'." She shrugs, then moves to let her hair down and hands me the scrunchie. "I don't really see you tie your hair."

"I like it down." But I take it anyway, and gather my hair into a high ponytail. She gently smiles at me.

"It looks good. You look pretty." She stops me when I try to take it off, and goes back to her laptop. "Do you know about the musical called Red Book? It's showing in the theatre and I decided to read up on it." She shows me a picture of the poster and the cast. "During the Victorian era in the west, it's about this woman that writes about her... scandalous... endeavors. But then because she's a woman, she's not exactly supposed to be writing stuff like that. She's supposed to be prim and proper and modest and everything holy!"

"Right."

"But then she fights against the prejudice. She stands up for herself. She fights for who she is— a woman." She giddily smiles as she turns back to her screen. "I think it's so cool."

Fights for who she is.

Fighting for who I am. 

Stands up for herself.

No fear.

Do it.

--

I don't stop smiling on the ride back to campus.

"So... Is there a certain someone I should know about?"

"She's mine, by the way," I deadpan.

"Hey! I promise I'm not going to hit on her." My brother pats my arm firmly. "I just want to know if she's good enough for you."

"You should be wondering about the other way around," I mumble under my breath. 

I'm happy with where I am with Sojung. I could be happier, but where we're at is good. Though, we haven't exactly... clarified it.

"I'm happy for you, Eunbi. I really am. I know all we do is make fun of each other but... I'm happy for you."

I lowkey cringe at his words, but I feel it's genuine. An idea suddenly pops into my head. "Hey, can we stop by the store really quick?"

"Why?"

"There's something I want to get for a 'certain someone'..."

Cheesy, but here I am with a rose and balloon in hand, basically asking Sojung to be my girlfriend again.

And she says yes.

To going out for tonight, I mean.

We finally go bowling again (my idea), and she so obviously goes easy on me.

"Just to let you know, I did get better," I tell her.

"Did you now?" she says with doubt.

"I actually did not. I haven't gone bowling since the last time we went! I thought you'd believe me though." 

My jaw still drops everytime she gets a spare or strike (which is often). There's a store by the river, so I go buy a couple of beers, keeping in mind what brand she liked.

After the last sips, she looks so ethereal under the moonlight as she talks about what kind of dog she'd want to have when she's older. We both laugh at something she says, and I lean in to kiss her when our chuckles die down.

"You're so weird, you know that?" she says, teasing me, but there's a shy smile on her face.

"You're weirder." I take our cans and throw them away in a nearby bin, then plop down on a random spot in the grass.

With the way life has been recently, I haven't really had the time to just stop and think. I wonder how Eunha unnie is doing? Sojung and I are public now? ...does her roommate know? Yewon is complicated. 

"So... When will Yewon stop hating