Umagang umaga -

No.

Okay. Relax, breathe.

 

 

Karina: Good morning Winter! 😊
Karina: Gusto ko lang ipaalala na I exist
Karina: Yun lang. I'll be waiting 😊

 

 

Lock phone.

Inom ng coffee.

"So.." I looked at Giselle, waiting for her to continue habang humihigop siya ng kape. "Sinong isasako natin?"

"Si Winter." Mabilis kong sagot.

There's no point in hiding it, especially from Giselle or any of the girls, for I am sure yun din itatanong nila when they see me later. 

Sabi nila something to do with my facial muscles that I need to work on.

Giselle found it amusing. "What did she do this time?"

I clenched my jaw and shook my head in annoyance. "Dalawang araw na niya 'kong hindi kinakausap."

Dead silence.

"Ha?"

"Dalawang araw na, Giselle."

"Magkausap pa kayo nung Wednesday, diba?" She asked, quite confused. "See, I remember kasi you took a picture of me and sent it to her."

"Exactly, 2 days."

"Oh, honey, that's not how you round off."

"2 days," I said with finality.

She blinked a few times and went back to browsing her phone but not before leaving a comment, muttering it under her breath. "Winter, I tried."

Last kong nakausap si Winter nung Wednesday night, Friday morning na.

Anpetsa na.

This reminded me of that LDR equation an officemate of mine once mentioned. 

Gusto niyang ipaintindi sa amin how it feels to be in a long distance relationship using math. Baka sakali raw maintindihan namin bakit siya nag-alala when her girlfriend did not message for 2 days. 

It's pretty simple. The equation goes like this -

Worry(# of hours since last reply x distance)

Biggest factor yung distance so highly recommended daw to use kilometers instead of miles.

In my case it would be: W(34 hours x 13,661 km)

Naiintindihan ko na siya ngayon.

Our current setup is making everything worse. Aside from amplifying your worries, it slaps you 464,474 harder that you have no clue what's going on with your partner unless she tells you. Dun ka magbabase eh.

Either that or you ask the people around her, which is a big no in every relationship. Our partners should know better than to let us overthink.

That's why communication is very important.

And that is why yung total nung equation ngayon ay may halong inis na.

We've been doing great these past weeks: constant updates and daily video calls, not until recently.

Zero. Zip. Nada.

I don't know where she is or what she's doing. Last message niya was she'll call me as soon as she gets home.

Nawalan ba siya ng bahay?

First time niyang gawin 'to pero hindi na ako mapakali. 

NASAAN KA BA, WINTER?

"Girl, relax."

"Kahit isang period lang tatanggapin ko as sign of life pero wala."

"Have you tried calling her?"

"I can't contact her number, hindi nagco-connect yung chat call." Malapit nang mabaon yung ngipin ko sa panga sa gigil. "Ni-hindi niya binabasa messages ko."

"What is she up to?" 

I motioned my hand towards Giselle. "Same question."

"Is she going somewhere?"

"I don't know."

"Huh." She paused. "Baka pauwi yun dito?"

I looked at her with a straight face. "Maghanap siya ng tutulugan kasi hindi ko siya papapasukin sa inis ko."

She laughed at lalo lang akong nainis.

"It would be so funny kapag kasama niyang umuwi kapatid niya." Ani pa niya that made me roll my eyes at her comment.

"Question..." She pushed her mug to the side, still with a teasing smile. "Kanino ka mas kakabahan?"

"Huh?"

"Taeyeon the singer or Taeyeon the sister?"

I gave her the what-kind-of-a-question-is-that look before saying, "Can we please focus? Winter is missing."

Humabol pa siya ng hagikgik bago ako seryosohin. "She didn't mention anything to you?"

Well..

Our last conversation was about her plan to help Ate Taeyeon get back together with Ate Tiffany.

Ay, mali.

Pagbabalikin niya yung dalawa dahil gusto niya lang. Desisyon girlfriend ko eh.

Okay, cool, gets.

She wants her sister to be happy.

Sino bang may ayaw nun para sa kapatid niya?

Sure, right from the start against na 'ko sa pagiging involved ni Winter sa lovelife ng Ate niya. Okay lang yung wing-woman if Ate Taeyeon asks her. But to play cupid without knowing what really happened between them? That's where I draw the line.

Kaya lang matigas talaga ulo ni Winter I'm guessing she went on with her plan.

Kung yun nga yung inaatupag niya..

Did she really have to ignore me??

As if naman may magagawa ako diba? It's not like makakapunta ako anytime I want para mapingot siya. I'm not that rich.

"Or.. baka work," Giselle said. "Ganun siya sabi nila Chaeryeong, diba? She's off the grid when she's working. You have the signs right there: she's back in the US and she's not messaging you."

I took a sharp intake of breath and closed my eyes for a second.

Inner.. peace..

"Mahirap bang i-type yung 'babe, i'll be gone for a few days'? Or kung ayaw niya mag-type, may voice note option. Napaka-advance na ng teknolohiya ngayon!" Inis kong sabi. "All she needs to do is tell me and I'll back off."

Madali akong kausap. She knows that.

"Gusto mo bang pahanap na natin kay Chaeryeong?"

She does have a knack for locating Winter.

I thought about it for a second but decided not to, at least for now. "Let's do that tomorrow kapag hindi pa siya sumagot today."

"I'm sure she's fine, Karina."

"She better be." 

Kasi isasako ko pa siya.

She nodded and stood up, ready to leave. "Lika na."

I looked up at her, confused. "Huh, saan?"

"Grocery." She went around the table and yanked my arm up.

"Akala ko -"

"Let's go, chop chop!" At tsaka ako tinulak-tulak papuntang kwarto. I let her but not without glaring at her first. "Friday. Baka maraming tao."

"Fine."

 

 

 

-----

 

 

 

Walang katao-tao.

Well, meron pero bilang sa kamay.

Everyone in our friend group has work today so we volunteered to do the grocery shopping for our trip tomorrow to Pangasinan. We were supposed to go at a much later time but my friend here thought it was best to get me out of the house before I do something crazy.

Katulad ng ano, aber?

Napakalayo ko, okay.

All I can do is leave her messages or voice notes which I've done both already. I lost count kung ilan na yung na-send ko since yesterday.

".."

I pulled the cart onto Giselle's side and watch her go over her bag. "Please don't tell me naiwan mo wallet mo."

".. no.. yung lis - aha!" She pulled out a piece of paper. "Akala ko naiwan ko eh."

"Good. Kasi wala akong dala except for my phone and keys."

Kakamadali niya sakin nakalimutan ko dalhin wallet ko.

"Okay.. okay.." She said while skimming the grocery list. "You know what, daanan na natin bawat aisle."

"Akala ko chips, toiletries, and drinks lang?" I asked as I follow her strode into the produce section of the grocery. "Plus mga kailangan nila?"

She briefly glanced backwards bago pakikay siyang nagkibit balikat. "Para more chika time tayo."

"Sa grocery na naman? At 10 in the morning?" 

"Dapat ba sa Mary Grace at 4 in the afternoon para acceptable?"

I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm while she hooked her arm on mine and pulled me to keep going.

"So.. care to tell me what's this all about?" She asked.

"Alin?"

"Itong 'Where's Winter' thing mo?"

"Nag-aalala nga kasi ako."

Yun naman talaga eh!

Kasi hindi naman ganito si Winter simula nung bumalik siya.

Lagi siyang nagsasabi kung aalis siya or may kailangan siyang asikasuhin it would take her some time bago maka-reply. Kapag aasikasuhin nga niya si Zero sasabihin rin niya sakin eh.

"I think you know, deep down, Chaeryeong would have notified you by now if something did happen to her." She briefly glanced my way. "So? Anong meron?"

Kung hindi kami yung nag-volunteer, I'd think trap 'tong grocery trip.

"Yun nga lang.."

"How many times do I have to tell you? You at lying." She emphasized the last part kaya mas nakakairita. "Kahapon pa kita napapansin, you're all over the place."

"I was not." I quickly denied it.

She pulled me to stop and cocked her head backward, raising an eyebrow as if challenging me. "Nanghingi ako ng update kahapon which is me obviously pertaining about the cafe pero anong sinagot mo sakin?"

Natahimik ako panandalian and looked down. ".. she's fine."

"Out with it, Karina."

"Really? Dito?" I looked around kung nasaan kami. "Nasa gulayan pa lang tayo."

"Ahh. For aisle number 15 ba yung question?" 

I nodded her way mockingly.

"Fine by me." She walked ahead of me straight to the dairy and frozen food section. "Kamusta kayo ni Winter?"

"We're okay.."

She stopped midway adding a pack of Yakult into our cart. "You're so bad at this."

"Ano na naman?" Ungot ko.

"Lagyan mo ng feelings, baka maniwala ako."

"Totoo nga. We're fine.." I said again before pausing. I stole a tentative look at Giselle. "And it's not her.."

"So, classic it's not you, it's me ba 'to?" I stared at her, void of any emotion. Nagkibit balikat lang siya. "Girl, the material was right there. Sue me. Anyway, what's up with you?"

I heaved a sigh. "It's nothing. Frustrating lang minsan."

"Like, ually?"

I stared at her blankly for a whole minute.

"What?" Depensa niya.

"Seseryosohin mo ba ako o hindi?"

She grinned annoyingly. "My question is valid, is it not?"

"Hindi yun - Giselle naman."

"Aisle 15 pa ako magseseryoso." I groaned at what she said. "Just kidding. Continue."

But before I did, I reminded her that we should skip the meat section.

After having breakfast at Ning's place tomorrow, sasamahan kami ng kuya niya sa palengke para mamili ng mga iluluto. Baka masira kung ibabiyahe namin from Manila yung mga karne and at least fresh pa kahit papaano.

We strolled to the noodles section.

"Ano na?"

I quickly looked her way as she scan the shelf for the requested brand ng ramen. "Sometimes I feel like I'm useless in our relationship -"

She slowly turned at me, eyebrows knitted.

"- or ineffectual?"

"Pinagsasabi mo?"

"She's.. Wala akong nagagawa to cheer her up." I sighed at the pack of migoreng and the thought of course.

This might be the self-doubt talking but I feel like I'm not doing enough.

It puzzles me why I feel this way when in fact, ang nawala lang sa amin ni Winter ngayon is yung physical intimacy, the rest are still intact. Our distance is making me think that whatever effort I put in, it's not good enough. And frankly, it's winning me over.

My embarrassing childhood stories are not helping. As if naman may natutulong yung everything will be better mantra ko. Tuwing hindi kami magkausap, I wonder if she's okay, what runs in her mind. Does she feel alone?

Ewan.

Mukha lang akong chill pero nag-aalala na talaga ako.

Is this normal?

Magiging ganito ba palagi?

It's such an unpleasant feeling, I don't want Winter to go through the same thing. It doesn't, and it won't benefit us in any way, just guilt caused by ourselves.

"Kinausap mo ba siya about it?"

"I did."

I asked her one time kung gusto ba niyang pag-usapan, ayaw niya. It's more of hindi rin niya maintindihan sarili niya kaya wala rin daw siyang masasabi sa akin. Ano pang magagawa ko diba?

"I know I shouldn't feel this way, I just.. I couldn't help it." Pagpatuloy ko. "There are days na gusto ko siyang yakapin and tell her everything will be fine but I can't because it's physically impossible to do so.. they're nothing but words -"

My thoughts were derailed when Giselle bumped the cart. "Anong reaction ni Winter?"

"Saan?"

"Nung sinabi mo yung surprise?"

I suddenly remembered how excited and giddy Winter was. That's the first time I saw her smile from ear to ear weeks after she left.

I smiled to myself as I recall. "Yun lang pinag-usapan namin buong gabi."

My US trip was supposedly a surprise for Winter.

It was the night after we celebrated Yeji's promotion.

Giselle and I were talking about the cafe when she asked kung kelan ko raw planong bisitahin si Winter so we could plot it already in our shared calendar. I figured January was the best month to visit my girlfriend.

Launched na yung coffee bar by then, wala pang naka-schedule na event. Slow month din ang January kasi may holiday hangover ang mga tao. Si Giselle din ang cafe duty that month. And also, gusto kong bumawi sa birthday ni Winter.

She was looking forward to celebrating our first Christmas together. As early as November, gusto niyang mamili na kami ng decorations para sa unit. She even wants us to bake cookies. That's how excited she is.

So, no.

I don't want to hear her 'it's fine, we can celebrate next time' line ever again.

She may not say anything but I know she's disappointed we couldn't celebrate Christmas because of me.

Siguro nga pwedeng next time na lang, that we somehow have all the time in the world pero next time na naman ba? Hanggang dito yun pa rin? Siya yung sumasagot ng next time pero ako yung naaalibadbaran marinig yun.

I don't want our time to be always answered with 'next time'. 

That's when Giselle had this crazy idea that I should surprise Winter. That I could pull it off kasi nandito yung dalawa niyang kaibigan, I have all the information I need.

Lia and Chaeryeong.

Nag-set pa si Giselle ng dinner with just the four of us to get more information about Winter and her life in the US: what she does on a regular day, where she hangs out usually, who she hangs out with, among other things.

Walang ibang pinagsabihan si Giselle at baka raw may madulas kay Winter.

Eventually, ako yung nagsabi.

Winter was happy, that's all that matters.

Now all I have to do is to be there on time for her birthday.

Nagpaalam na ako kila Daddy that I won't be celebrating New Year's with them. They understood, about time daw na mabawasan sila ng pinapakain tuwing media noche.

Sweet no?

Nag-apply na rin ako ako ng visa the other day.

Inaantay ko na lang schedule ko for the interview, to which Lia has been really helpful. Nag-send siya ng pointers sa akin the other night with some questions na naalala niyang tinanong sa kanya.

Once I pass, I'm good to go.

Wag lang sana matatakan ng namumulang denied yung application ko. That's all I'm praying for.

"You're doing so much for Winter, hindi mo lang nakikita. And I don't understand why, eh kausap mo siya palagi. Hindi ba dapat ma-notice mo yun?"

"I don't know.."

We crossed to the next aisle.

"Well, well, well."

I looked at Giselle as she was pointing at the signage --

15 - Coffee, tea, creamers

Napatingin ako sa kahabaan ng grocery.

Ganito ba talaga numbering dito? Since when?

"Tingin ko that has something to do with what's really going on." Komento pa niya.

Kumuha siya ng 3-in-1 coffee. Kumuha naman ako ng tsaa sa kabilang shelves.

"So..?" She asked pagharap namin sa isa't isa, us standing on each side of the cart.

"Walang kinalaman yun dun. I've been feeling that way bago pa yung dinner."

"Dinner? What dinner?"

There's no point in keeping it to myself.

I scrunched my nose. "Nag-away kami ni Ate."

She was briefly surprised. "What - girl, madalang kayo mag-away ng kapatid mo."

"Well.. mild sagutan."

 

 

-----

 

 

"Order tayo ng wine?"

I looked up from my soup.

"Sure, ma." I smiled politely to our parents, ako na sumagot para sa mga kasama ko.

The last time I saw my parents was during Mom's birthday so I was really looking forward to this dinner. We made sure we were all free tonight to finally spend quality time and celebrate Mom and Dad's wedding anniversary.

Before leaving the cafe, sinabi ko pa sa sarili ko na nothing, and I meant nothing, will ruin our night.

Well, except for the palpable tension at our table.

Napaggitnaan pa 'ko.

Nasa appetizer portion pa lang kami, by the way.

I stole a glance at the two by the mirror hanging on the wall.

Ate was seated on my right, quietly eating her salad. Si Ate Seulgi naman on my left, partaking in her soup of the day order. And our awesome parents sitting in the booth right in front of us three, giving me a not-so-discreet 'nag-away ba sila' look.

Wala din akong alam sa nangyayari.

Hinila na lang ako ng kapatid ko sa tabi niya. Though I didn't miss Ate Seulgi's disheartened expression when I sat beside my sister.

"Ikaw, Seulgi?" Mom asked.

"Po?"

"Would you care for some wine?" She showed her motherly smile to Ate Seul.

"Sure, Tita." Ate Seul smiled politely.

"Ako, Kat, hindi mo aalukin?"

"Driver ka, diba?" Mom replied to Dad.

"Kahit offer lang! Will refuse anyway." He mumbled the last one like a kid.

"Nope." Mom smiled sweetly.

"What kind of marriage is this?" Dad rhetorically asked to his now empty plate.

Mom held Dad's cheek and turned his face towards her before she cooed, "Love you, dearest. Safety first."

I grimaced. "Ew. Ma."

That got my sister's attention as she finally looked up.

"Wag sa harap namin." Ate chimed in, she gestured at the people behind us. "Nakaharap kayo sa mga tao oh."

At keber lang ang magulang namin.

As much as I am happy for them that even after all these years, affectionate pa rin sila sa isa't-isa, a little bit of decency would be nice. Anak pa rin nila kami and this is something we're not comfortable to witness.

Lahat naman ng anak find that kind of sweetness from your parents revolting, diba? You know what I'm talking about.

Though that was the icebreaker we needed.

Our parents went on telling us what they've been up to lately.

Mom got super busy with the resto in preparation for the holidays while Dad's handling a big case against a manufacturing company. Kaya hindi rin sila makaluwas para bisitahin kami.

We're no better.

Ate was loaded with work when her supervisor took her maternity leave. And I was occupied with the cafe, pati na rin yung mga lakad namin nila Winter.

Ate Seulgi was only listening to us when Dad asked about this year's semester. Kakatapos lang daw ng prelims kaya hectic din ang schedule nila ngayon. Plus, thesis adviser siya this year kaya extra load on her part.

In no time, they served our main course for dinner.

Cheat day nilang mag-asawa so we let them order anything without our usual reminders about their health. Alam namin na hindi sila makikinig when they brought us to a steakhouse.

I was leaning back against my chair when I caught Ate Seulgi looking at my ever dedma lang na kapatid. I gave her an encouraging smile when she noticed me. 

"Kamusta na pala sister ni Winter?" Mom asked while she devours her lobster.

"Getting better. Nag-start na po yung therapy niya nung weekend." I answered. I had to tell them what happened beforehand kasi paniguradong hahanapin nila si Winter sa akin. And true enough.

"And Winter?" Dad asked this time as he slices a piece of his steak.

"She's okay."

He hummed, satisfied maybe with my answer or sa steak niya, or both.

"Hanggang kelan siya dun?"

I slowly turned my head to the person who asked. "Taga-dun siya, Ate."

"She's not staying here for good?" She asked, not even sparing me a glance.

"No."

"Oh." She was mildly surprised and finally looked up. I caught her fleeting glance at Ate Seulgi before turning her attention back to me.

"Her stay was temporary. Alam mo naman yun."

"Yes pero may mga gamit siyang pina-cargo, diba? Akala ko she decided to stay for you."

My ears perked up. "What?"

"Why do you sound surprised? Let's be rational. Your life is here, you run a business here, your friends are here, and we're here. You are very much settled here already." She shrugged before continuing to cut a piece of her fillet mignon. "It would be easier for you guys if Winter will.. you know.. sacrifice this once. Let's face it, long-distance relationships don't work."

She took a bite of her food.

And I didn't take her words well.

Normally, I'd let her kapag feel niya maging elder sister. And I do appreciate it since she's only looking out for me. But not tonight, not with Winter, I couldn't let it slide.

"Her life is equally as important as mine, Ate. She's pretty much settled back there, too. Just like me." 

"I didn't say it wasn't." Her tone softened.

"That's what you're implying," I said as calmly as I could.

"Kaya nga sabi ko sacrifice eh." Ate reiterated.

"Irene -"

I peered over at Dad to give us a moment, he sighed and shook his head in response.