✾

 

In retrospect, perhaps he had been too obvious.

It had started small in the beginning. Jongwoon, since young, was used to not being under the spotlight. He was but an average person, with no distinctive features, no aspect of his appearance that would stand out among others. Compared to his friends, he was plain and ungraceful, someone who could cross through a lone path with surrounding people yet still go unnoticed, because that was how undistinguished his aura was.

Perhaps that was why he had taken an interest in fashion. With fashion, no matter how unremarkable your face was, it would be remedied with just the right choices and arrangement.

Jewelry, especially, was quite useful.

Jongwoon’s attention was especially fixed on accessories. Accessories, unlike him, were pretty and eye-catching. Would he be able to finally appreciate something about him if he were to seek help from these external attractions? Perhaps, yes. Because Kim Jongwoon found nothing noteworthy about himself, and the black vortex in his chest was starting to grow each day the more helpless he felt.

He tried. And maybe he did feel a bit better about himself. People looked at him kind of weirdly though, but at least… at least they started to notice him now.

Jongwoon felt pathetic for thinking this way, feeling like this shallow, approval-seeking mindset of his would soon drown him into nothingness, but he continued with it, anyway. Not only did it become a habit now, but he also gained a little bit of confidence in himself. Maybe it was a start.

When he became a trainee, some of his companions joked around a few times about his noticeable fashion sense. Whether or not they were positive or negative things, Jongwoon embraced it all the same. That was an additional identity he had created for himself aside from his singing skills and his rather odd, quirky personality. He could not deny that it felt good being complimented; it was the kind of validation he sought for, something that gave his life meaning.

Then he debuted as part of an idol group. He was praised for his voice and was given the stage name “Yesung”. He would no longer be the timid, unnoticeable Kim Jongwoon. He was now on the stepping stone of becoming the celebrity named Yesung, so he embraced that name, made it a part of himself, hoping it would be something he’d be proud of.

But, contrary to his expectations, he was still in the shadows. Cameras rarely caught his face, and although he always sang to the best of his ability, he was still overshadowed by his pretty and more talented members.

And, most of the time when he was the one singing, the camera still focused on a different member, probably finding him too unappealing to fixate on.

That was when his insecurity doubled.

When the opportunity for variety shows came up, especially when he was with s, he grabbed the chance, desperately, to stand out. He stepped out of his timid shell and became proactive in games, and even made silly expressions and weird dances just to make up for his unattractive face. He threw out his wishes of a dark, handsome, and mysterious persona in favor of surviving in the industry, and perhaps that was the start of him losing hope of ever becoming appealing enough to the public.

It was only when one of the younger members, a cute and friendly young boy named Hyukjae, took one look at him after Jongwoon removed his makeup and said, “Oh? Hyung is really cute~”

It was said casually with no deeper meaning attached, but it made Jongwoon’s sensitive heart soar with validation. He always thought of his face as ugly and that it could only be remedied slightly with the help of makeup.

But this boy said he was cute…?

When they were all just starting out in this group, they were awkward and desperate, focusing more on practice and eating as much as they could in-between rehearsals and schedules. Jongwoon couldn’t even remember Hyukjae glancing his way that much, only sticking to his own circle just like what Jongwoon did back then.

If he remembered correctly, Hyukjae didn’t even notice him that much right from the beginning. Of course, they exchanged small, polite talks here and there, and Hyukjae even helped him out with dance moves a few times before.

But other than that, their interactions were little to none.

Jongwoon recalled that that day was the first time Hyukjae ever really looked at him.

Perhaps that was the start of his... yearning, for the lack of a better word. At first, it was nothing more than simply seeking validation, seeking for someone who could see him for who he was, and see all of the good points he had.

It was Jongwoon who made the first move to befriend Hyukjae and get to know him better. The latter, being the friendly person he was, reciprocated Jongwoon’s efforts with kind eagerness, also curious about this hyung who seemed weird yet mysterious at the same time.

And so, as the days, weeks, and months passed, they grew closer.

But not as close as Jongwoon would’ve liked them to be.

It seemed that Hyukjae was kind of wary of him. Jongwoon supposed that it was because he was one of the older hyungs which was why Hyukjae found it difficult to get closer to him. It seemed that the younger was more comfortable with people his age, like Siwon and Donghae. He even liked spending time with Shindong and Sungmin who were only a year older.

With Jongwoon, however, there was some sort of respectful distance between them, an invisible boundary that Hyukjae wasn’t interested in crossing anytime soon.

So, contrary to Jongwoon’s expectations once more, they were stuck in a stagnant state, so close physically yet so far emotionally. And Jongwoon, who craved for his dongsaeng’s attention, desperately wanted something more.

Jongwoon loved everyone. He loved Jungsoo, Heechul, Hangeng, Kangin, Shindong, Sungmin, Siwon, Donghae, Ryeowook, Kibum, and Kyuhyun. He especially adored the maknaes who in turn played with him whenever he spent time with them. Ryeowook was the cutest of them all, and Jongwoon just wanted to squish him with hugs and affection.

But strangely, he wasn’t content. Whenever he played with Ryeowook, whenever he went along with Kibum’s teasing, whenever he annoyed Kyuhyun, he found his eyes and mind unconsciously wandering towards a certain someone with a longing in his heart that he couldn’t describe. It was eating at him slowly, creating gaps in his heart, leaving holes there that ached with a dull pain. The emptiness was small, yet it was driving him mad.

It was like a small wound that was not in any way serious but annoyed you to no end. That prickling sensation that wouldn’t go away, that nagging, yearning feeling in his head that would not stop until he did something about it.

Which was what he finally did days later, at night, when everyone was asleep. After annoying the maknaes by touching their philtrums as they slept, Jongwoon found himself outside the door of Hyukjae’s room, the room the latter had to himself after a recent rotation between members.

Jongwoon’s fingers touched the knob and he almost flinched at how cold it was to the touch. The nights were always too chilly at this time of month, and he already craved the warmth of his bed.

The shyness and insecurity started to muddle his brain, causing him to hesitate. Strange. With the others, he did not even think twice about disturbing them in their slumber. Yet, with Hyukjae...

“What are you doing?” a sleepy voice sounded from behind him, and Jongwoon spun around.

There, right before him, was Hyukjae in his pajamas, looking like he was barely keeping his eyes open. Jongwoon felt a knot in his throat, rendering him unable to speak, his feet frozen to the ground as though he’d been caught doing something inappropriate.

But Hyukjae didn’t even blink as he walked past Jongwoon and opened his door himself, all the while scratching the back of his head as he let a yawn escape from his lips.

“I was thirsty, so I went into the kitchen for a bit,” Hyukjae said. When he didn’t hear any footsteps, he turned around and fixed Jongwoon with a confused stare. “...Well, hyung? Aren’t you gonna come in?”

“H... Huh?” Jongwoon blurted out, the faintest of red brushing his cheeks. Not that it was visible in the dim lights, anyway.

Hyukjae sent him a crooked smile, eyes still drooping downwards, and he plopped onto his bed, arms spread out tiredly. “I know why you’re here.”

And Jongwoon’s heart stopped.

“You do...?” Jongwoon said carefully. Honestly, he didn’t even know why he came here in the first place...

“Of course,” Hyukjae responded almost automatically. “You’re here to touch my philtrum, aren’t you?”

Jongwoon blinked.

Hyukjae sat up in bed at that moment, giving Jongwoon a mock-accusatory glare. “I heard about it from the maknaes. Even Donghae and Sungmin were your victims. I was waiting for when my time would come...” He threw his head back dramatically, covering his eyes with his hand. “And then you actually came! My instincts are never wrong...”

Jongwoon just kept staring at him, absolutely dumbfounded.

Hyukjae retracted his hand back to his side and studied Jongwoon’s face. “Why did you take so long though, hyung?”

Jongwoon swallowed the nervous lump in his throat and carefully arranged his features into a deadpan expression. “Why? Were you waiting for me?”

At the sight of Hyukjae’s exaggerated horrified look, a big smile tugged at Jongwoon’s lips and he plopped on the space beside the younger, wrapping arms around his neck. “Did you want me to annoy you too, kiddo? Aww, hyung is happy~” He began nuzzling Hyukjae’s cheek to which the latter made a disgusted face at and moved away quickly.

“No way! I was just preparing myself for your impending attack!” he defended, crossing his arms and hugging himself as though trying to protect his chastity. “Now go away and let me sleep!”

Jongwoon grinned. For some reason, this dongsaeng’s reactions were much more satisfying than the others. “Nooo~ I haven’t touched it yet,” he pouted, slipping into teasing mode as he reached out towards the direction of Hyukjae’s lips.

“Nonono! Get away from meee!” Hyukjae howled, trying to slap the grabby hands away but failing miserably when he lost balance and fell to the bed.

Jongwoon pounced on the opportunity and embraced him, one arm keeping Hyukjae locked in place while the other was happily molesting his philtrum.

“Mmph!” Hyukjae shut his eyes and tried to move his face away. “Why do you like this, you weird hyung?? It feels irritating!”

“I just like it~” Jongwoon responded in a sing-song voice, his heart finally calmer than it had been these past few weeks. “And you’re so cute~!”

Hyukjae glared at him, albeit jokingly. “Hyung definitely has a philtrum for sure...”

At his words, Jongwoon broke into a laugh, the cackling sounds escaping his lips as he grabbed at Hyukjae’s shoulder for leverage. Hyukjae stared at him, lips tugging upwards, desperately wanting to laugh along, but he held in the urge, trying his best to look as serious as possible.

“Do you dream about philtrums every single day, hyung? Does it make your fingers itch if you can’t touch them? Is it an addiction?” Hyukjae bombarded him with questions, grabbing Jongwoon’s shoulders and shaking him vigorously, causing the older’s head to bob up and down. However, Jongwoon’s laughter didn’t even falter, only increasing in volume the more Hyukjae pressed him with dramatic accusations.

And Hyukjae couldn’t even deny that although he didn’t actually mean for his words to make Jongwoon laugh — rather, he just wanted to annoy him — but this was undoubtedly a far better result than he’d expected.

Soon the laughter in the room ceased, and one look at the clock on the bedside table reminded Jongwoon of their hectic schedules that were starting later in the morning. He got up, and after landing one last quick, sneaky touch on the upper part of Hyukjae’s lips which earned him a small groan, Jongwoon left the younger’s room with a relieving, satisfying mood.

But as he plopped back onto his own bed, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, he realized that the small longing in his heart did not go away the slightest bit.

In fact, it only grew bigger.

 

✾

 

Jongwoon tried his best. He really did.

When there are pent-up feelings in one’s chest, it goes either two ways: you freely let them out somehow, or you continue to endure and hold it in.

Jongwoon chose the latter.

That night hadn’t been the first and only time that he visited Hyukjae in his room. Desperate to resolve this irritating yet compelling longing inside of him, Jongwoon showered Hyukjae with a lot of affection, figuring this would be the way to finally bring relief into his heart.

Whenever Hyukjae retaliated mischievously by playing pranks on him, Jongwoon couldn’t even find it in himself to get mad. The younger was just so adorable in his eyes, and the more Hyukjae tried to push him away, the more Jongwoon loved him, continuing to hug him and kiss him and all sorts of things. But because he also did this to the other younger members, nobody thought of it as anything different, but if one observed closely...

They would see that Jongwoon’s smile was bigger than usual, that his touches on Hyukjae’s skin lingered more than what was considered casual, that his laugh sounded brighter than normal, that his eyes held a different kind of vibrance whenever Hyukjae was in the room. There was never a day when Jongwoon didn’t either talk to Hyukjae or touch him somewhere, all just to feel that the person before him was indeed within his reach, was indeed tangible enough for him to realize that he could do all these things and he would feel such a fluttery accomplishment in his heart.

It got to the point where a few of the members noticed this new relationship and began teasing them, enjoying Hyukjae’s mock-disgusted face whenever Jongwoon came near him or attempted to touch him. They laughed whenever the two bickered with each other which usually ended with Jongwoon hugging the younger to his chest and Hyukjae eventually acquiescing to his hyung, pretending to look like he was forced.

Perhaps the icing on the cake was Donghae’s comment one day as Jongwoon reached over to pinch Hyukjae’s cheek, grabbing a tissue with his other hand to wipe off the ketchup at the side of the clumsy younger’s lips.

“Hyukkie is so lucky~” Donghae remarked as he sipped his glass of water. “He’s very loved by Yesung-hyung~”

It was a harmless comment, of course. There was nothing mocking about Donghae’s tone and nor was there any suspicious undercurrent to his voice. However, those words made Jongwoon’s breath catch in his throat, and as he looked at Hyukjae shaking his head vehemently and denying his friend’s statement, his heart felt like it was gripped by a large fist, caging it, suffocating him.

A realization came into his head that maybe, just maybe, he was burdening Hyukjae with all of his selfish whims. That he kept wasting the younger’s time, that he possibly mistook all those disgusted faces for lovely antics. That Hyukjae was truly annoyed by him but was too kind to let him know outright.

So, as quietly as he could, Jongwoon stopped.

He tried to make it as subtle as possible. He was someone who hated conflict and wanted to stay away from any possibilities of it, so he continued cooing over Hyukjae, but also made sure to know his boundaries. Gradually, he lessened the talks, he lessened the touches, and he increased the number of affectionate gestures towards the others instead.

Nobody noticed it. Not only were they always busy with multiple projects and shows, they were also tired whenever they returned to the dorm, mostly falling dead asleep in the living room or in their own beds without even eating dinner. So, Jongwoon managed to relieve Hyukjae’s burden, but the hurt and longing came back in full force, torturing him at idle moments, filling his mind with all sorts of thoughts that just made him feel all the more depressed and insecure than he already was.

But although Jongwoon stopped playing around with Hyukjae, his gaze was a different story.

Whenever he thought nobody was looking, he chanced glimpses of the younger, smiling to himself whenever Hyukjae did something cute or silly, and laughing outright whenever the latter messed up. Jongwoon did his best to make things normal, and for someone like him who usually sported a serious or nonchalant expression to hide his emotions, it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

But it still hurt. It hurt whenever he saw that Hyukjae never glanced his way, and never made the first move. It was always Jongwoon who approached him, always the one who initiated the touches and the hugs. Hyukjae was far more focused on other important things like dancing, choreography, and hanging out with friends his age. Meanwhile, Jongwoon stayed in his own bubble, seeking comfort and conversations from others, and venting out his emotions whenever he sang. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook thought that nowadays Jongwoon’s voice seemed more sad and heartbreaking than usual, but they never said a word about it, only trying to comfort Jongwoon in their own ways without pressuring the older to spill his thoughts.

And Jongwoon was grateful for it.

Over the months, Jongwoon grew much closer to these two youngest members, trying to fill the hole in his heart with the friendship they shared. And if Kyuhyun and Ryeowook felt that Jongwoon’s normal clinginess increased a lot more than usual, they still never mentioned anything about it.

The result of the subtle avoidance, however, made things go a little differently than what Jongwoon had planned.

For some reason, out of nowhere, the teasing began.

Jongwoon didn’t know why it even started... though he could understand a little. It actually all began about a year or two after their debut — or rather, after KRY’s debut.

Perhaps that was the time when Hyukjae really listened to Jongwoon’s voice for the first time.

And perhaps it made such an impression on him that he tried imitating it. The first time he did, Jongwoon was shocked, and at the same time his sensitive heart was stabbed a bit, because did he really sound that silly? Why was Hyukjae making fun of his voice? Was he the worst out of their three main vocals?

The second time, Jongwoon’s conflicted feelings lessened a bit. But it was still an unsettling feeling, so he just ducked his head and laughed awkwardly along with the others, trying to make them see that he was dismissing the imitation as something silly and not worth paying attention to.

The third time, Jongwoon looked at Hyukjae straight in the eyes while sporting a serious expression on his face. Hyukjae gazed back at him with a wide smile, his tone teasing and his stance guarded as though he were preparing himself for some sort of physical impact.

So when Jongwoon tried to play along and threatened Hyukjae in jest, he saw the delighted sparkle in the younger’s eyes, the smile that was suddenly filled with accomplishment, and it was at that moment that Jongwoon started to understand.

It wasn’t that Hyukjae was mocking him.

It was that Hyukjae was trying to catch his attention.

This realization became solid in Jongwoon’s mind as the teasing increased little by little through the months. As the moments occurred, Jongwoon made sure to look closely at Hyukjae’s expressions every time, especially before the imitations occurred.

There were a few times in the waiting room that Jongwoon inconspicuously glanced at the mirror while pretending to be busy with the magazine he was reading, spotting Hyukjae sending him furtive glances, thinking that nobody was looking. Sometimes Hyukjae would just stare at him for a while as though processing an idea or intention in his head, fingers gripping his knees in concentration. This usually happened whenever he’d spot Jongwoon in the same room, and it was like he was waiting for a perfect opportunity to interact with him. Like he desired some sort of special attention that he specifically wanted from Jongwoon.

It painted a confusing picture in Jongwoon’s mind throughout the months, because all this time he thought he was just bothering Hyukjae with his gestures of affection. Yet Jongwoon still did nothing, deciding to just play along with his dongsaeng’s whims, ignoring the fluttery feeling in his heart every single time as well as the emptiness it leaves soon afterwards.

Later on though, Hyukjae’s constant teasing caught the attention of all of their members, and a few of them even began to join in, apparently enjoying the reactions Jongwoon provided. At first, it was the younger members who joined in on the fun, like Kyuhyun, Kibum, and Donghae, but later on the ones Jongwoon thought were going to stay bystanders came piling up: the gentle ones like Siwon and Ryeowook and even the rowdy ones like Shindong and Kangin. The only people who took his side were Heechul, Hangeng, Jungsoo, and Sungmin, but most of the time they just laughed along with the others, entertained by Jongwoon’s misery.

Strangely enough, this managed to take Jongwoon’s mind off Hyukjae most of the time, for he became too busy defending himself from the pack of hyenas that was hungry for his angry faces and the string of curses that he spewed out of his mouth.

But that wasn’t the end of it, unfortunately, because it seemed that Hyukjae shifted to a new tactic over time.

For a few years, this kind of dynamic continued on, with Hyukjae teasing and imitating him from time to time, and Jongwoon humoring him and treating him as his dongsaeng and nothing more, nothing more special than how he decided to treat Kyuhyun and Ryeowook. It seemed that their relationship at that point became stagnant once more, unchanging and never developing into something deeper than an ordinary hyung-dongsaeng bond.

Which was probably why Hyukjae had had enough.

Rare were the times when Hyukjae approached him first, and it was even rarer when Hyukjae approached him after a schedule as everyone was preparing to go home and rest.

“Hyung,” he said, stepping into Jongwoon’s line of vision so the older man would have no choice but to acknowledge him directly, “do you have time today?”

“...Yeah, I’m... planning to go back with the others and get some sleep, why?” Jongwoon responded, blinking rapidly, unable to think of a reason why Hyukjae was suddenly talking to him seriously like this.

Hyukjae, though, was smiling softly, a disarming expression on his face, gaze somewhat imploring as he made no move to step away.

“Can we eat an early dinner tonight? Since we’re both free, and it’s been a long time since we last hung out together,” Hyukjae said appealingly, lips stretching out even more, making his grin wider and more imploring. “We can sleep enough hours later at the dorm when we get back.”

It seemed like every nerve in Jongwoon’s body was set on fire, a nervous energy buzzing in the pit of his stomach, sending butterflies fluttering in his chest as well as a dizzy sensation in his head.

Five years. It had been five years already, and here he was, long-deprived of Hyukjae’s attention and now the moment he got a handful of it his entire body was starting to go into overdrive.

How simply pathetic.

Yet he couldn’t help it.

Despite himself and his decision to not get too close to Hyukjae, Jongwoon found himself saying the dreaded words, “Sure. Where do you want to go?” before he could even think twice about it.

As expected, he simply could not resist Hyukjae when he was asking so cutely like this.

So, in the end, they didn’t go home with the others and ate at a nearby burger place, talking constantly about their new album and the funny moments they recounted during practice sessions. It was a warm, comfortable kind of atmosphere between them, something that eased the knots in Jongwoon’s throat and chest. Hyukjae didn’t seem to have something against him and actually seemed to only want to spend time with Jongwoon, to grow closer.

Well, that was to be expected since they were a big group and there were members whose vibes and personalities did not mesh well, so sometimes there was awkwardness present during times when others were in the presence of people they did not vibe with the most, like what happened with Sungmin and Kangin and Heechul and Hyukjae a year ago.

Jongwoon and Hyukjae weren’t really awkward with each other anyway. It was just that...

“...there’s something... lacking.”

Jongwoon’s gaze on the setting sun was averted as he turned his head to face Hyukjae, blinking owlishly as the words processed inside his head.

“...What do you mean?” he asked tentatively.

Hyukjae smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. The corners of his lips were curved upwards, yet his eyes looked sad. It made Jongwoon’s throat close up in anxiety.

“Well, with the others...” Hyukjae looked thoughtful for a moment as he played with his fingers on his lap. Currently, the two of them were seated at the park, away from prying eyes, surrounded by people who were minding their own business and enjoying their respective activities. It was the perfect place to dwell into one’s thoughts or to open up one’s heart towards a companion.

But for some reason, Jongwoon could not feel relaxed at all. It was as though he were waiting for some sort of bomb to drop over his head.

“With the others... I feel a connection to them,” Hyukjae explained slowly, sounding like he was trying to find the right words to say. “And it’s different for each one. With Heechul-hyung, I feel something solid in our friendship now after Intimate Note. It’s like the door that was once barred with a deadbolt was pried open and I can now see the light from the inside... something like that.”

Jongwoon listened silently, internally surprised at the way Hyukjae was wording all this. It seemed that the younger was trying to be light yet careful about this conversation which only managed to worsen the budding fear in Jongwoon’s chest.

“So... yeah, I...” Hyukjae took a deep breath, still gazing at his fingers, still unable to look Jongwoon in the eyes. “I thought of something one day... Something odd. It just struck me out of the blue this morning when all of us were eating breakfast, when I was talking to Sungmin and then I saw you across me, laughing with Ryeowook. It came to mind then, that the two of us seem to have a wall between us.”

Jongwoon’s breath hitched in his throat, though he was trying his best to seem calm. “What are you trying to say?” he asked evenly, deciding to throw his worries away and turning his body entirely towards Hyukjae, an indication that he was giving the latter his full attention, as always.

Hyukjae seemed to sense his movement, for his shoulders instantly stiffened, though it was only for a moment. But Jongwoon’s sharp eyes did not miss this involuntary reaction.

Seconds passed, perhaps even a few minutes. The park never lost its peaceful yet lively vibe, though the amount of people considerably lessened due to the sun dipping into the horizon, striking the sky with brilliant yellow and orange palettes. Soon, dusk would fall, and all the streetlamps would be lit.

Hyukjae took a deep breath, then lifted his head to meet Jongwoon’s gaze, his eyes shining with an indecipherable emotion that Jongwoon could not read.

“When... did we stop trying to get close to each other?”

It was like everything stopped for a second. For a moment, Jongwoon forgot how to breathe, and the wheels in his mind ceased turning. Reflexively, he wiped his palms against the fabric of his jeans, feeling the sticky sensation of sweat building up on the skin.

Hyukjae looked at him closely as though searching for something in his expression. It unnerved Jongwoon, for it seemed that the younger was trying to analyze him, trying to find a sign that would answer the questions in his head. At that moment, Jongwoon felt like an open book, pages spread wide open for the younger to see everything he’d been trying so hard to hide. All the yearning, the insecurity, the pride, the longing, the irritation, the sadness, the acceptance. The guilt. The constant urge to close himself up and build stone walls around him that nobody could breach. It was a disconcerting sensation that sent alarm bells ringing in his head, panic flaring in his system for a reason he could not comprehend.

Just... what was it exactly that he was afraid of so badly...?

“Hyung.”

The sound of Hyukjae’s voice, quiet and so soft, trickled through Jongwoon’s troubled thoughts. And before Jongwoon knew it, he felt a warm, significantly bigger hand envelop his cold one, effectively pausing his worries.

“Do you know...?” Hyukjae began, his smile so warm and tender that Jongwoon felt his walls crumble just a little bit.

“Know what...?” Jongwoon asked in a small voice, aware of the fact that darkness was slowly spreading throughout the sky, and the only sources of illumination surrounding them were the bright street lamps that highlighted their faces in a dreamy glow.

Hyukjae’s smile grew a little wider, features softening into a calm reminiscence. “Whenever I speak to you, you’d always be looking at me quietly while listening. Do you know that you have such a habit?”

That was not what Jongwoon expected him to say. Blinking owlishly, he responded in puzzlement, “Oh... is that so...?”

“Yeah.” Hyukjae squeezed Jongwoon’s hand that was under his, sending waves of reassurance towards the older man. “And you’re always like that with other people, right?”

Jongwoon still had no idea where this conversation was going, but he decided to go along with the flow. Perhaps this discussion was not as frightening as he thought, despite the nagging doubt at the back of his head.

“Yeah… when I speak to people, my eyes will always be looking at them.”

Hyukjae hummed under his breath in agreement. “Yeah, you’re that kind of person…” His smile slowly turned melancholic, a subtle shift that only served to confuse Jongwoon even further. “You’re always sincere in whatever you say…”

Jongwoon went silent, waiting for Hyukjae to say more.

“Every time you speak to me, too,” Hyukjae continued on, voice warm. “You’d turn your whole head towards me and look at me with such affection... just like you’re doing now.”

Jongwoon could feel his cheeks flushing crimson.

“And whenever you do, I feel really shy and embarrassed.” Despite his demure words, Hyukjae’s tone was playful, and Jongwoon could feel his cheeks getting redder. “...Because that makes me think you may like me.”

Yep. He was definitely teasing him again. The damn brat.

Jongwoon resisted the urge to curse aloud.

Well, two can play at this game.

Jongwoon smiled, almost coyly, and reached out to wrap an arm around Hyukjae’s shoulder, bringing him close to his side.

“Of course I do,” he said nonchalantly, enjoying the way Hyukjae squirmed in his hold. “I like you a lot!”

Hyukjae stopped resisting, but didn’t lift his head to look up at Jongwoon. Instead, he let out a nervous laugh.

But when Hyukjae still didn’t say anything, Jongwoon decided to save him gracefully.

“Our members... I like all of them,” Jongwoon said gently, reassuringly. Though to be honest, he didn’t know why he was even clarifying this in the first place. “Because my dongsaengs are so likeable and adorable!” he added with a proud smile.

That last bit made Hyukjae grin and look at him. “I am especially cute, right?”

“Of course!” Jongwoon said immediately, probably a bit too eagerly. Swallowing subtly, he added quickly, “You’re... You’re about the second or third position out of my favorite dongsaengs.”

Hyukjae’s gaze averted once more, looking somewhat embarrassed. “Oh...? I’m not first?”

Jongwoon was caught off-guard. “...First position?”

Hyukjae noticed the crack in Jongwoon’s tone and glanced up at him again, this time with a mischievous grin on his face. “Why am I not your number one?” he asked in exaggerated pouty voice.

“…Because Kyuhyun and Ryeowook are nice to me,” Jongwoon shot back smugly, relishing the deepening frown on Hyukjae’s face.

“I’m nice to you, too!” Hyukjae defended.

“If teasing me every single time you see me and mocking my voice is what you call being nice to me, then I’m afraid you’ve gotten the wrong idea here…” Jongwoon deadpanned.

Hyukjae pouted. “But that’s my way of showing affection towards you, hyung~” he said in a soft, whiny voice, even leaning his body a little closer and shaking his shoulders. Jongwoon felt like he was about to die from cuteness.

Shaking his head in resignation, Jongwoon patted Hyukjae on the back in a brotherly manner. “Okay, okay, I got it. Tch, this punk...” he murmured affectionately.

Hyukjae giggled childishly, leaning into his hyung’s touch. “Hey, hyung...”

“Mm?”

“...” Hyukjae seemed to pause, trying to think of the right words to say. “...I... This might sound funny, given that we’ve all been friends for a long time now, but... I feel like we’re not... you know... ‘friends’.”

Jongwoon stiffened at that. “What do you mean?”

Hyukjae flinched slightly. “Uh, that came out a little wrong... what I meant was... umm...” He chewed on his bottom lip, almost nervously. “Like I said, there seems to be some sort of wall between us, you know...?”

“What kind of wall…?”

Eyebrows knitting together unconsciously, Hyukjae gestured slightly with his hands, trying his best to convey the right message. “It’s like… nothing’s developing between us. Like we’re just content with this kind of unchanging relationship. I mean, our actions are consistent; we make fun of each other like friends, but is that all our relationship amounts to?”

Jongwoon blinked, the words processing inside his brain slowly. “…So… what you’re trying to say is…”

Hyukjae nodded fervently, staring at Jongwoon with an unyielding gaze, and there was a fire in his eyes that Jongwoon didn’t expect to see. “I want us to get closer, hyung.” Gently, he grabbed Jongwoon’s hands and squeezed them reassuringly, imploringly. “I want to talk to you more, too. We can have deep conversations once in a while, we can even hang out sometimes, just the two of us!” He then smiled brightly, playfully. “I want to be hyung’s number one~”

Jongwoon’s throat went dry. He didn’t know whether or not to cry or laugh out of happiness and relief.

Then… did he really not mind…?

“…” Jongwoon cleared his throat. “It’ll be difficult, though~ Ryeowookie is a tough person to beat~” he said teasingly.

Hyukjae feigned an affronted expression. “But I’m cuter than Ryeowookie, aren’t I??”

“No,” Jongwoon responded immediately to which Hyukjae whined and pouted, retracting his hands back to his lap in a sulking manner.

“Aii, I’m just kidding, come on,” Jongwoon tried to appease, wrapping an arm around the younger’s shoulder and pulling him close. “I’m sorry. Of course you’re cute. You… just have to work hard to earn hyung’s full affection, okay?” he added in jest, laughing at the feigned disgusted expression on Hyukjae’s face.

“Don’t even joke about that. It feels like I’m courting you or something,” he said with a shiver, causing both of them to laugh.

“Let’s go.” Jongwoon stood up, gesturing for Hyukjae to come along. “Hyung will treat you to some ramen. We can talk more there, too, and…” He began to add shyly, “…get to know each other more.”

That brought a sparkle to Hyukjae’s eyes, and the radiant expression on his face made Jongwoon’s heart pound indescribably.

What is this feeling…?

Jongwoon had no idea, but for some reason, he was afraid to find out.

 

✾

 

After that day, it seemed that everything started changing. That night, while eating ramen together, both of them discovered a few things about each other: Jongwoon found that Hyukjae enjoyed playing the piano while Hyukjae discovered that Jongwoon didn’t like to wear revealing clothing because of the birthmark on his stomach.

They spent the rest of their free time just chattering away, pleasantly surprised at the ease they felt during the conversation. It seemed that, although they were close in a way due to being in the same group for years, having seen each other’s hardships and weaknesses, it felt like talking to a stranger at the same time. With the ease of this lack of information, both of them found themselves eager to share more, eager to have somebody to listen, to hear out another person’s side. A person who was there every step of the way, but also a person who was not emotionally connected. A person who you thought was closer than an ordinary friend yet there was an unexpected mystery that prodded their eager selves to discover more.

That was the start of the real progression of their friendship.

It was also, unfortunately, the start of Jongwoon’s relapse.

He’d been doing well, honestly. He’d been able to convince himself that trying to get close to Hyukjae would prove to be fruitless, that trying to get his attention would only harm their platonic relationship in the end. He’d been able to summon every ounce of self-discipline he had and distanced himself, restraining his longing and budding feelings.

He should’ve known that his efforts would eventually prove to be worthless. There was this saying: ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, and it was right. It was so ing right, and Jongwoon learned that the hard way.

Even though he managed to build a stone wall between him and Hyukjae, there was still this thread connecting them together, a thread that belonged to Jongwoon’s heart which represented his entire yearning. It was like, the more he held himself back, the more the feeling grew stronger each passing day.

It did not help that Hyukjae was trying to create a door in that wall, either.

Back then before all of this, Jongwoon was constantly in conflict with his mind and heart. Hyukjae was there, always right there in front of him, yet Jongwoon forced himself not to do anything, which only added to his suffering. It hurt even more when Hyukjae was clearly indifferent or unaware of his turmoil, acting like everything was normal, still hanging out with his close friends, still sticking to the people he found comfortable to be with.

And he had every right to.

Yet Jongwoon could not help but feel lonely.

Lonely... and heartbroken.

But now…

...

Now…

 

✾

 

“...Why are you here?”

“Hm...? Can’t I be here?”

“...It’s unusual for you to be here.”

The sun was setting. The rays filtered through the window of Jongwoon’s room when the curtains lifted slightly due to the gust of wind passing by, highlighting Hyukjae’s features as they stared at each other.

The younger was currently sitting on Jongwoon’s bed, hands clasped together on his lap with a soft smile on his face. Jongwoon was still frozen in the doorway, hand still grasping the knob, legs apparently glued to the floor.

Hyukjae hummed slightly, the softness in his eyes never fading in the slightest. “...What if I told you I was waiting for you?”

Those words seemed to forcibly snap Jongwoon out of his shock-induced trance and he gently closed the door behind him, breath hitching in anxiety. What on earth was Hyukjae doing...?

“Don’t you have schedules today?”

“The interview this afternoon was postponed,” Hyukjae responded immediately as though he’d been expecting Jongwoon to ask that question right from the start. “I’m free now for today.”

A knot formed in Jongwoon’s throat. For some inexplicable reason, Hyukjae seemed to be affecting him a lot more lately. It had been two years since their talk about getting closer to each other, and though they did become a lot closer than before, there was… still an unspoken barrier between them, a different one this time, something that none of them dared to bring up even once.

Jongwoon wasn’t even sure what it was, but he did know that he was partly at fault for it, because he’d grown a little afraid of Hyukjae due to the growing feeling in his heart that gnawed at him every single time they were together. It was so frustrating yet Jongwoon couldn’t help but crave more.

He couldn’t help craving more but he was also afraid of taking the necessary steps. It was such a complicated feeling that Jongwoon just refused to acknowledge it eventually, for it would only make his turmoil even worse.

And Hyukjae wasn’t making it any easier for him, either. Jongwoon didn’t know whether to love him or hate him for it.

“Why are you waiting for me here in my room...?” Jongwoon asked, placing his bag on the floor. “Isn’t Donghae free today, too? Why aren’t you two hanging out somewhere?”

The smile was still on Hyukjae’s lips. “I told you. I’ve been waiting for you, not Donghae.”

Jongwoon didn’t know why, but he felt his face growing hot at the honest words coming out of Hyukjae’s mouth.

“Then...” he said slowly, taking a deep breath. “Why were you waiting for me...?”

“Let’s hang out together,” Hyukjae said instantly.

Jongwoon turned to him in surprise. “...Hang out...? With me?” It was quite unusual. Hyukjae knew that Jongwoon liked to go to places by himself, but sometimes he preferred to go with other people and hang out at cafés to talk endlessly which was not Hyukjae’s style at all. Most of the time they were just content with chatting when other members were around or when they wanted to grab a late-night snack at the nearby convenience store. Or even in the dorms’ living room which was already plenty comfortable.

But this...?

Hyukjae bowed his head a little, fingers starting to trace the area of his knee. His feet started moving at a somewhat restless pace, indicating that he was suddenly a bit nervous.

“Well...” he began softly. “...we don’t have a lot of time left to be together...”

And Jongwoon instantly understood.

...Maybe he was also slightly disappointed, but he quickly banished that thought before he could dwell on it further.

Everybody was aware of the fact that Jongwoon’s enlistment date was drawing near. All of them were a bit on-edge due to this, the looming thought of losing another one of their members, albeit temporarily. It had already been strange and painful enough the first few times, and the fact that the rest of the younger members’ time was eventually going to come made them compelled to spend as much time as they could together.

In Jongwoon’s case though, he was only going to enlist as a public service worker instead of the military due to his health conditions, but not having him during their performances, rehearsals, and recordings was already lonely enough to imagine.

And one of the members who wanted to spend as much time as possible with him was Hyukjae. Of all people.

Honestly, it did make him happy. Hyukjae wanted to hang out with him willingly. Even though the younger had proven that he cared for Jongwoon tons of times throughout the years, it still felt like a dream.

But the nagging insecurity inside Jongwoon kept him from being content with this sort of attention. It still just felt like Hyukjae was treating him the same as he should with all his friends, with all s.

That he wasn’t in any way special.

And Jongwoon didn’t even want to dwell on the thought as to why he wanted Hyukjae to treat him specially, either. That would be like opening a whole can of worms he wasn’t ready to handle just yet.

So the two of them went out by themselves, from walking idly in the streets and the park to sitting at an inconspicuous corner at the café. Although it was certainly not their first time hanging out with just the two of them, the atmosphere this time felt… a little different. Jongwoon still couldn’t figure out whether or not this was a good thing or a bad thing.

Really, where had his self-restraint gone? Just a little pout from Hyukjae and his walls already melted like lava. Was he even willing to control his actions anymore? Why was Hyukjae making it so hard for him?

“—and then he just kept complaining about…” Hyukjae’s voice trailed off as he noticed Jongwoon’s unseeing gaze, frowning. “Hyung? Everything all right?”

Jongwoon was snapped out of his thoughts and he blinked, shaking his head slightly. “I’m sorry, what were you saying, Hyukkie?”

Hyukjae’s frown deepened. “I was talking about Kyuhyun’s nagging session yesterday…”

“Oh, right.” Recognition flashed in Jongwoon’s eyes as he chuckled a little. It seemed that he’d been paying attention from the start but his mind drifted off somewhere in between. “So, what did he say to you after he saw the dishes?”

Hyukjae sighed. “Like I said, he nagged at me like a mom and told me to wash the dishes for a week. An entire week! He kept annoying me after that because I refused, and then he started guilt-tripping by saying that I didn’t care for him anymore.”

Jongwoon snorted. “He did?”

Hyukjae scowled. “He said I changed completely after seven years of being in Super Junior. That I never listened to his opinions anymore, that after all this time I didn’t actually consider him a part of the group. That maknae was even fake-crying and being all dramatic and stuff!”

Jongwoon laughed. “He likes acting that way. It always worked on the others even though they knew he was just faking his sadness.”

Hyukjae huffed. “So I told him fine, I’m gonna clean them all! For one week! And suddenly he complained about the living room being too dusty and clung to my arm, asking if I could also vacuum the floor. The nerve of that brat!”

Jongwoon’s laughter increased, and the corners of Hyukjae’s mouth curved upwards in response. “He’s good at that. Didn’t your heart melt when he started being affectionate and everything?”

Hyukjae pouted. “Yeah, it did… so… I vacuumed the floor. I washed the dishes. I even put away his laundry. Ugh! So then he thanked me and acted all cute again so I told him to go away, but he clung to me even more.”

“He’s such an attention-seeker, isn’t he?” Jongwoon joked in-between laughs, feeling his heart grow a lot lighter than it had been these past few weeks. “That can be annoying.”

“Hm… attention-seeking is good, too,” Hyukjae said with a smile as he took a sip of his iced choco. “I like it when somebody tries to get my attention.”

“Yet you always act so disgusted whenever I try to show you my love,” Jongwoon pointed out, chuckling.

To his surprise though, instead of joking back, Hyukjae’s expression showed no signs of mirth. His smile was calm, and his features were serious.

“...That’s not how I truly feel.”

That caught Jongwoon off-guard. “I know, I was just joking,” he said lightly.

“In case you ever doubt it, then,” Hyukjae said without missing a beat, resting the side of his cheek against his fist, elbow propped up on the table beside him as he turned his body to face Jongwoon. “I’m your biggest fan, you know?” He grinned widely. “Aesongie-hyung’s number one fan.”

Jongwoon laughed incredulously, trying to ignore the chaos that was stirring in his chest at those words. “Why are you so obsessed with being number one in my heart?” he joked, but his voice came out a bit more awkward than he intended. His ears burned in embarrassment.

Hyukjae’s smile softened into a thoughtful frown. “I just want to be the only one you keep thinking about,” he responded gently.

Everything suddenly felt so hot. Jongwoon felt like he was running a fever.

Scrambling through his brain to think of a proper response, he opened his mouth and was about to say something when his phone on the table suddenly vibrated with a message.

With shaking hands, he silently grabbed his phone and unlocked it. He was acutely aware of Hyukjae’s eyes studying his every move, the younger impossibly quiet and unmoving, which only further added to Jongwoon’s anxiety.

“…Ah, it’s Ryeowook,” Jongwoon said as he managed to finish reading the text. “He and the other members just arrived at the dorms. They brought us food.” Hastily, he stood up from his chair and placed his phone inside his pocket. “Let’s go, Hyuk-ah.”

Jongwoon prayed that the younger wouldn’t say anything. It was already awkward enough for him as it was.

Thankfully, Hyukjae seemed to read his mind. They both walked back to the dorms silently, and when they arrived, they instantly went to the living room and had fun with the other members.

They never spoke about it again.

 

✾

 

The day Jongwoon enlisted, he received a message from Hyukjae.

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung.

💬 don’t worry.

💬 we’ll still be here when you come back.

 

Jongwoon paused in his tracks. He sniffed, feeling his eyes becoming a bit moist.

 

Eunhyuk

💬 watch us on tv, okay?

💬 we’re gonna win many awards for you.

💬 we’ll show you.

💬 that super junior will still go on strong.

💬 for many years to come.

 

Jongwoon chuckled, not finding it in himself to wipe the tears that finally fell from his eyes.

He texted back within a minute.

 

sappy idiot. 💬

 

✾

 

And when Mamacita got its 4th win, Hyukjae really didn’t forget him.

“I wish to give this award to Yesung-hyung who’s watching in front of the TV,” he said in his speech.

Honestly.

Hyukjae really knew how to get a man’s attention.

It was his candor, after all, that made him charmingly attractive.

Sappy idiot, Jongwoon repeated in his head, lips trembling slightly with emotion.

The endless pounding of Jongwoon’s heart continued even after the broadcast had already ended.

 

✾

 

The years passed by like that, and Jongwoon realized that they really didn’t have enough time to be together. Just months after he was discharged, Hyukjae’s own enlistment date drew near. Hyukjae tried his best to make up in advance for their lost time by supporting Jongwoon as much as he could, being there for him whenever he needed it. He annoyed Jongwoon just a little bit more, talked to him a little bit more, waited a little bit more before ending their phone calls, teased and pranked him a little bit more.

Showed his love a little bit more.

Jongwoon was grateful for it, truly. He felt more loved, more validated, as Hyukjae continued to show how much he cared for him. Come to think of it, Hyukjae never did refuse whenever Jongwoon asked him for a selca. He never did say no whenever Jongwoon asked him for favors. He never did ignore Jongwoon’s calls whenever the latter felt like talking to him.

Hyukjae came to KRY’s concert and celebrated Jongwoon’s birthday along with Siwon. He sat there in the audience seats, cheering for them, making Jongwoon feel less lonely and sad from the thought of this concert becoming their last one for a long time.

Hyukjae had comforted him later on after Jongwoon cried during the last ment and their debut song performance.

Hyukjae was kind like that.

Yeah.

It did not mean that Jongwoon was special.

Jongwoon had stopped assuming things a long time ago. He was now used to this feeling, this reflex to reject the thought of anyone ever genuinely liking him for who he was, for everything he was.

To prevent himself from getting even more hurt. To set himself up for disappointment right from the beginning.

He knew s loved him. But wasn’t that only because they were a part of the same group? If he weren’t a part of Super Junior, if he hadn’t become a trainee at SM alongside desperate teenagers trying to reach for their dreams, would they have even become friends?

That was impossible.

So, Jongwoon just stayed still and let life take its course. He would just focus on the group, focus on the fans, and focus on his hobbies.

His feelings for Hyukjae were just too complicated for him to analyze. It was better to leave it there and let them rot and disappear, anyway.

Of all people, a selfish person like him was the one who least deserved Hyukjae’s attention.

 

✾

 

When Hyukjae was discharged from the military, Jongwoon was there to greet him, all smiles and laughter.

And when they started preparing for their comeback, it was like all the pieces fell into place. Jongwoon didn’t want to admit it, but he had missed Hyukjae badly, and every day without him felt like something was missing in his heart.

He did solo promotions and felt lonelier than before. He sought comfort from his hyungs but they were often too busy to spend time with him. Kyuhyun and Ryeowook were already on their way to military enlistment. Jongwoon hardly had anyone to really talk to comfortably, without any worries.

Yes, Jongwoon missed Hyukjae.

But it seemed that Hyukjae missed him more.

Missed teasing the hell out of him, to be exact.

Jongwoon tried to keep a straight face as Hyukjae kept mocking his voice on shows, kept scolding him for wearing too many accessories, kept annoying him by getting away whenever Jongwoon walked in his direction.

But Jongwoon didn’t even feel the least bit angry.

Instead, he just found everything really, really cute.

It was like he was sent back to the past a few years ago before their military services when Hyukjae would often try to get Jongwoon’s attention through constant teasing. Honestly, the younger acted like a complete kid sometimes; whenever he was bored, he’d always find someone to bother, and sometimes he’d even get Donghae and Siwon added into the equation. Oh, and Kyuhyun, too.

Ryeowook, Shindong, and Heechul, on the other hand, were the spectators as they were usually the ones giving great reactions to their pranks.

And their victims were usually Jongwoon and Jungsoo.

Jongwoon was reminded of that now and he just found everything amusing even years later. Truly, with Hyukjae around, everything was interesting. Everything was fun. It was rarely ever boring.

It was one of the reasons Jongwoon adored him so much that he could never get too angry at him no matter what.

And Jongwoon knew. He knew it a long time ago, that the reason why Hyukjae crazily during shows was so Jongwoon would get more airtime. That the reason why Hyukjae imitated his voice and his songs was because he wanted to draw people’s attention to Jongwoon. That even though Hyukjae for wearing too many accessories, he was also inspired to wear more jewelry of his own.

Jongwoon could still remember the night when he saw Hyukjae lying down on the couch in the living room of the dorm, eyes closed as he seemed to be listening to something in his earphones. Jongwoon shook him awake so that the younger could go to sleep in his bed instead of the sofa, but instead, Hyukjae only smiled and took out an earphone from his ear.

“Why is hyung’s voice so good?” he complimented quietly, his voice so soft it seemed like he was half-asleep.

Jongwoon paused in his tracks. “What?” he said, confused.

Hyukjae still had that dreamy look on his face. “As expected of our main vocalist,” he said tenderly. “You sing so well.”

And Jongwoon also knew that Hyukjae was a fan of his songs. The younger even knew his gestures while singing which meant that he also diligently watched Jongwoon’s live performances. That touched Jongwoon somewhere deep in his heart; since their group regarded themselves as family, they were not interested in each other’s activities, but they would give their support no matter what.

To see Hyukjae willingly taking an interest in Jongwoon’s activities and actually loving it enough to watch more of his performances made Jongwoon feel emotional inside.

And Jongwoon would never admit it — not yet, anyway — but Hyukjae had already crawled up to the first place position in his heart a long time ago and stayed there quite stubbornly.

On second thought, perhaps he should admit this to Hyukjae after all, and shower him with love even more.

Actions were always so much better than words.

It was the least Jongwoon could do to thank Hyukjae for always supporting him no matter what.

 

✾

 

“What’s happening?” Jongwoon asked, confused, as he stepped into the waiting room.

There seemed to be a slight commotion of some sort judging by the staff’s excited expressions that they couldn’t quite conceal. As Jongwoon’s gaze swept past the room, he could see them all stepping away and looking at him expectantly which only added to his confusion.

Until he walked more into the room and saw someone eating noodles on the table.

Someone who was wearing all black — and looking distinctly familiar.

Jongwoon’s chest stopped moving for a moment.

Is that…?

…

No way…

Jongwoon approached the figure curiously, a nervous feeling settling in his stomach. It couldn’t be, could it? He didn’t even call or text to warn him…

Trying to keep a straight face, Jongwoon took out his phone and got closer to the person, already taking a quick video of this event. The person hung his head so low, Jongwoon couldn’t see his face at all.

But when he heard the familiar heueh~~ and a sad, dramatic noise coming out of the person’s mouth, Jongwoon finally confirmed who it was.

And he wasn’t going to lie; everything in his body seemed to stop functioning.

At that moment, Hyukjae lifted his head with a silly grin on his face.

“Oh, Aesongie-hyung! You’re here~”

Jongwoon let out an incredulous laugh, still in shock. “Hyukjae-ya — what are you doing here?!”

Hyukjae looked at him in amusement, chewing on his noodles. “I came here to Japan to eat ramen and then I saw your concert banner by chance! So I decided to visit you~” he chirped.

The words sounded so simple and casual when they left Hyukjae’s lips, but to Jongwoon, every word was like a happy pill for his heart. Before he knew it, he was laughing, and then Hyukjae stood up to which Jongwoon responded by pulling the younger into a tight hug, patting his back several times out of gratitude.

It was no secret in their group that Jongwoon loved it whenever he was with s. Whenever one of them visited him during his separate activities from the group, Jongwoon felt so happy and loved, and he made sure to let that person know just how much he appreciated it.

Jongwoon also liked to sulk dramatically whenever nobody would back him up or support him in his activities, so the members would often visit just to appease him. Ryeowook and Siwon in particular enjoyed supporting their hyung from the sidelines while Jungsoo and Donghae were often updated with Jongwoon’s songs and activities though they were usually too busy to come support him in person.

This was different, though. Jongwoon knew that D&E were busy preparing for their upcoming concert, so he had zero expectations from the two of them. The other members were also quite busy, so he already resigned himself to the thought of being all alone and lonely here in Japan.

And then… this.

“Why did you come?” Jongwoon asked, teary-eyed.

Hyukjae laughed. “I told you, I just came here to eat ramen.”

But his hands were gripping Jongwoon’s shirt so tightly, so assuringly.

That day, even the fans noticed how happy Jongwoon was. How bright his smile was, how loud his laughter was, how shy he looked whenever Hyukjae shouted supportive words towards him.

That day, Hyukjae boarded the plane back to Seoul with lack of sleep, and then worked again once he got back.

Jongwoon didn’t know what to think.

And now, as Jongwoon watched Hyukjae practicing the choreography for their new song after finally coming back as nine members, he was once again struck by familiar feelings he thought were on the verge of fading yet it seemed that they never did.

As always, Hyukjae’s movements were graceful and precise, body swaying perfectly with the beat. Somehow, Jongwoon’s eyes were focused on the layer of sweat on Hyukjae’s skin, his wet bangs that were matted against his forehead, his teeth that were biting on his lower lip in concentration, and the pink tongue that was darting out every now and then.

It was fascinating in a way; he’d known Hyukjae for years now and yet he had never known anyone to be more bewitching. Instead, Jongwoon found himself drawn to Hyukjae more and more strongly.

…

Ah.

I’m doomed…

As Hyukjae finished with his dancing and slumped to the floor, shaking his head and brushing his bangs away from his face, Jongwoon kept staring at him, watching with bated breath, terrified at all these foreign yet fluttery sensations that were occurring inside his body.

Suppress it, suppress it, his mind told him, over and over again, repeating the chant like a mantra.

You’re not worthy of these feelings.

Just act normal like you always do.

Pretend… they don’t exist.

It’s for your own good.

 

✾

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i don’t want to be your little brother anymore.

 

Those were the words Jongwoon saw on his phone screen before he choked on the glass of water he’d been drinking.

“…What’s gotten into him so suddenly??” Jongwoon wondered aloud, coughing slightly as he tried to muffle the sound with his hand. Placing the cup aside, his fingers typed quickly.

 

yah, what on earth are you talking about? 💬

are you drunk? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 it means exactly what it means.

💬 i don’t want to be your dongsaeng anymore.

 

there’s nothing you can do about that. 💬

you’re younger than me. that will never change, my little dongba 😘 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 no!

💬 that’s not what I meant.

 

huh? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 this hyung is really…

💬 you really…

 

??? 💬

hyukjae? 💬

Read 10:12PM

 

hey punk, finish your sentences, will you? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 never mind.

💬 you wouldn’t understand.

💬 at least, not through text, anyway.

 

huh? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 let’s meet :3

 

meet? at this hour? 💬

hyukjae… 💬

in case you don’t know, it’s already 10 in the evening… 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i know that.

💬 i just finished filming weekly idol.

💬 come meet with me tonight.

💬 i have something to tell you.

 

something to tell me…? 💬

is it really important? 💬

we can just meet up tomorrow… 💬

are you that excited to see me? :3 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 yes.

💬 so, come.

💬 i’ll go pick you up.

 

you… 💬

you’re kinda weird tonight. 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i’ve always been weird when it comes to you.

💬 now go wash up, I’m already on my way.

 

That was the end of the conversation. Jongwoon could only stare at his screen, completely dumbfounded. Hyukjae was indeed acting very strange tonight. And what kind of important thing was he going to say that it could not possibly wait until morning?

Still in a daze, Jongwoon washed the glass he used in the sink, put it away, and went towards the direction of the bathroom. Since Hyukjae was already coming here, it would be impolite not to be ready when he arrived.

 

✾

 

“Are you all dressed up now?”

“Hm. Are you already here?”

“Yes. I’m at a 24/7 café near your place, waiting.”

“A café?”

“Yeah. Don’t you like cafés?”

“Oh? What’s gotten into you?”

“Come over here, hyung. I’ll text you the address.”

Hyukjae hung up after that. Jongwoon didn’t know how many times he kept staring at his phone in a daze this past hour. Anxiety began to build in the pit of his stomach, and blood was pumping into his heart harder than usual, causing his pulse to race. It was so weird. Hyukjae sounded nothing like his casual, goofy self tonight. He seemed so serious.

Or perhaps...?

Jongwoon blinked as the realization slowly dawned upon him. Hyukjae had once mentioned about meeting up with the members one by one to talk about their thoughts and feelings in preparation for their upcoming 15th anniversary. It was the only reasonable and sound explanation Jongwoon could conjure inside his head, and his entire body began to relax. Indeed, he’d gotten a bit too paranoid back there.

With a calm heart, Jongwoon bid goodbye to Jongjin who was still awake — and a bit confused as to where his older brother was going this late at night — and walked out the door, preparing himself to meet Hyukjae while wearing a cap and a mask to conceal his appearance.

 

▦

YESUNG

피곤하지만 누구를 만나러가는 걸까 난 ... ?

I’m tired, but who am I going to meet ... ?

▦

 

✾

 

The moment Jongwoon stepped inside the café, he was struck by the familiarity of the place and hid a smile behind his mask. The interior was charming as always, with various shades of brown and orange decorating the walls and furniture, making it seem homey and comfortable. There were several paintings with wooden frames lining the walls, and the ceiling lights were dim enough to fit most people’s privacy preferences and also bright enough to illuminate the tables and their faces for their companions to see.

Jongwoon was about to roam around silently to search for his dongsaeng when he suddenly felt his phone vibrate inside his pocket. Puzzled, he took it out and answered the call, pressing the screen against his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hyung. I see you. Over here.”

Jongwoon darted his head around, searching the surroundings for the familiar face of his friend. When he spotted something in his peripheral vision, he turned around and saw Hyukjae waving at him with a smile on his face, gesturing for him to come over.

“Ah, there you are,” Jongwoon said, smiling back before turning off the call and placing his phone inside his pocket. He approached the younger with calm, leisurely steps, observing the way Hyukjae was watching him with a light yet somewhat unreadable expression on his face.

“So... what’s up?” Jongwoon asked conversationally, sitting beside Hyukjae and wrapping a friendly arm around the younger’s shoulder. He spotted the iced vanilla latte that was already half-empty in front of Hyukjae, and Jongwoon smiled. He’d been tasting that drink a lot recently, and at the same time Hyukjae also confessed that it was his favorite.

“Hyung~” Hyukjae greeted in his usual tone of voice, turning his entire body towards Jongwoon and staring at him with a soft smile on his face. Jongwoon tried not to show his surprise and grinned back, the hand that was hanging around Hyukjae’s shoulder lifting upwards to pat the younger atop his head.

“So... mind telling me what you meant by those texts?” Jongwoon asked, letting go after ruffling Hyukjae’s hair. His sharp eyes caught the outfit Hyukjae was dressed in; quite formal, and it was evident that the younger hadn’t even erased his makeup yet, indicating that he came here right after his schedule was finished.

Jongwoon didn’t know exactly what to feel about that.

“I meant what I said,” Hyukjae repeated, turning his head away and casting his gaze forward, fingers entwined together on his lap as his legs began to move up and down a bit restlessly.

“That you don’t want to be my dongsaeng anymore?” Jongwoon elaborated, raising an eyebrow. “Then what do you want to be instead? My hyung?”

The lame joke drew out a little chuckle from Hyukjae’s lips, and Jongwoon smiled once again. From the way Hyukjae was acting, the statement he gave back in that conversation didn’t seem to have any negative connotations. In fact, he seemed a bit nervous...?

“I want...” Hyukjae took a deep breath before turning his head back towards Jongwoon, his eyes suddenly looking darker and more serious than usual. “I want to be someone important to hyung.”

Jongwoon’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. “Yah,” he said incredulously. “Whatever gave you the idea that you’re not already someone important to me?”

Hyukjae shook his head. “No, no. Not that kind of importance. I...” He took a deep breath once again, and Jongwoon blinked rapidly, trying to figure out what it was that was making Hyukjae so nervous.

...

But for some reason, this kind of atmosphere... felt like...

“Aish, what’s wrong with me...?” Hyukjae mumbled to himself, shaking his head and running a frustrated hand through his hair. “I thought I already made up my mind to tell you this...”

Jongwoon frowned thoughtfully. “Hyukjae... what is it?” He leaned closer towards the younger. “Is it something about our 15th anniversary? Is there something I can do to help you?”

Hyukjae’s head snapped up and their gazes met. “No. This isn’t about the 15th — wait, oh yeah, our anniversary, I forgot... Ah, aish...”

Jongwoon lowered his mask, laughing. He then placed it on the table before patting Hyukjae on the back consolingly. “Why is our Dongba so jittery? Hm? Come, tell me everything.”

Hyukjae looked at him at that moment, and in that instant, it felt like their surroundings went mute, and that they were the only two people left in this world.

“...”

“...”

“...” Hyukjae took another deep breath and averted his eyes towards his hands that were situated on his lap.

“Hyung, I don’t want you to treat me like a little brother anymore.” He shifted closer, and Jongwoon became aware of the fact that there was only a small space left between their bodies than what was appropriate. “I want you... to look at me as a man.”

Silence. Hyukjae was looking at him now, eyes so serious, so earnest, and yet so tender at the same time.

Meanwhile, Jongwoon’s heart was pounding wildly inside his ribcage.

“Hyung, I think I’m in love with you.”

 

✾

 

Sometimes, things are bound to change. You can’t expect them to stay the same forever. Just like nature, there are natural transitions that cannot be avoided, like the falling of leaves and the blooming of flowers, and unexpected ones like the sunshower that comes out from nowhere.

And sometimes, that can also be the case with friendships.

And Jongwoon wondered to himself idly, in the middle of a blank state, as to when exactly did Hyukjae start to see him differently from the rest of their members.

Because, if he were being completely honest, he wasn’t really surprised with the confession that came out of Hyukjae’s mouth. There had been hints before, after all. He wasn’t completely oblivious.

Maybe… Jongwoon had been waiting for this to happen. Maybe he’d been dreaming about this moment so desperately that when the time came for it to miraculously occur it felt like a familiar, dream-like scene.

And maybe... maybe he should’ve been overjoyed.

But instead... he felt an irrational sense of fear. It rose up from the deepest pits of his gut, spreading everywhere, flooding his system, rising up his throat, clawing at his brain, freezing everything in place. The fear was so sudden yet so strong, he could not help but want to run away in that instant.

“No, you’re not” was his immediate answer, one that he blurted out without thinking.

Hyukjae blinked. “...What?”

This time, it was Jongwoon who took a deep, deep breath. “No... you’re not,” he repeated calmly, firmly.

...Or maybe he was just trying to convince himself.

He just… needed to.

The statement made Hyukjae frown. “Don’t you think I should know my own feelings better than you do?”

“Sometimes a person can’t figure out their own feelings unless a third-person points it out,” Jongwoon said flatly, trying not to show that he was having a hard time controlling his racing heartbeat. This was all too sudden for him. “I’ve been looking at you for years, Hyukjae-ya, and I—”

“Then you haven’t been looking closely enough,” Hyukjae cut in with a firm voice, and Jongwoon began to realize that the younger’s eyes were so dark and so close. God, his face was so near. When had he moved this closely?

“Have I been misreading the signs?” Hyukjae said. “I could’ve sworn the two of us have the same feelings towards each other... hm, then again... it doesn’t really matter.”

Jongwoon stared at him, wide-eyed. It began to dawn upon him that their roles seemed to have reversed; now Hyukjae looked completely relaxed and sure of himself while Jongwoon appeared to be a bird trapped in a cage.

“If you won’t make me yours...” Hyukjae leaned towards Jongwoon’s ear. “...then I’ll make you mine.”

Jongwoon felt his face grow hot. “...I don’t think you’re brave enough to do that.”

Hyukjae raised an eyebrow. “...Are you challenging me?”

Jongwoon swallowed inaudibly.

And the words just stumbled out of his mouth.

“...Prove it.”

 

▦

YESUNG

결국 우린 ...

In the end, we ...

▦

 

▦

EUNHYUK

걱정 하지마 이건 우리의 다음 스텝을위한 과정 이니까

Don’t worry, this is for our next progressive step.

 

EUNHYUK

잘자

Good night.

▦

 

✾

 

It didn’t feel real.

Everything that happened since that fateful night didn’t seem real at all.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

The familiar gentle voice broke him out of his trance and he twisted his head upwards, catching the leader’s gaze with his own.

“Huh?” was Jongwoon’s intelligent response.

Jungsoo smiled, eyes fully focused on him, already disregarding the phone in his hand. “You’ve been too quiet nowadays. What is it that you’re thinking so hard about?”

Jongwoon swallowed, eyes darting nervously as he tried to come up with a satisfactory reply. “...Nothing, it’s nothing.”

Jungsoo blinked. “Oh?”

“What?”

“You usually tell me everything that’s on your mind,” Jungsoo said, the gentle smile never leaving his face. “It’s rare for you to tell me it’s nothing. Does that mean it’s something you don’t wish for others to know because it’s embarrassing?”

“Ah... I...” Jongwoon was caught off-guard by Jungsoo’s attentive remark. Then again, he was their leader, after all. Almost nothing got past his sharp eyes. “It’s just...”

“Is it about Hyukjae?”

The sound of the latter’s name coming out unexpectedly from Jungsoo’s mouth made Jongwoon’s head snap up to face him directly, eyes growing into the size of saucers.

Jungsoo stifled a laugh. “Caught you. Pfft, you’re too easy!”

Jongwoon blinked, then his face formed into a scowl. “Aish, hyung!”

Jungsoo’s laughter came out in peals. “I was just randomly guessing because recently Hyukjae doesn’t tease you a lot during our shows. And now... ah, is that what’s been troubling you?”

Jongwoon turned his head away, embarrassed at the fact that he could feel his ears burning. “N—No, it’s not exactly troubling me, just that...” He took a quick breath. “I’m confused... I don’t know.”

“Hm...” Jungsoo hummed, eyes never leaving Jongwoon’s face. He opened his mouth to say something, but their manager called them at that moment, so they were forced to end their conversation right there.

Just when it was starting to get interesting... Jungsoo thought to himself in amusement as he and Jongwoon got up from their seats.

Then again, it could wait. Or maybe a conversation wasn’t even necessary after all.

Jungsoo just needed to observe a little more.

Today was the perfect opportunity. They were going to film Weekly Idol.

 

✾

 

In a group as big as theirs, in a group who treats each other as family, as brothers, even though they weren’t really interested in each other’s activities, there was one thing they had in common to break that barrier.

Gossip.

🍵

Shindong thought it was all very interesting. When he thought nobody was looking, he glanced over at Hyukjae who was busily hosting the show with Kwanghee, and after that he chanced a glimpse at Jongwoon’s expression.

There were two things he noticed.

Hyukjae was constantly stealing glances at Jongwoon whenever he talked, as though checking the older man’s expressions towards his words.

And Jongwoon was trying his best to subtly not meet Hyukjae’s gaze, eyes constantly staring at either his fingers or the floor.

Interesting, Shindong thought to himself.

Those two had been suspicious as of late. Then again, they did have a relationship that was a bit different from the others. Jongwoon was just a little bit more affectionate with Hyukjae compared with the others, while Hyukjae was just a little bit more annoying with Jongwoon compared to the others.

These days though, there was something that seemed to have shifted in the atmosphere between them. Being naturally observant, Shindong caught the look in their eyes, the change in their gestures and body movements, and the words they carefully said.

It was well-known within their group that the Tom & Jerry dynamic was just an act in front of the cameras. Hyukjae had started it in the past, little by little, so that Jongwoon could gain more airtime during their shows. He imitated Jongwoon’s voice, talked about Jongwoon’s turtles and weird behavior in the dorms, told the story about Jongwoon’s philtrum , and remarked about Jongwoon’s obsession for accessories countless times until the public, most especially their fans, got glimpses of Jongwoon’s personality which piqued their interest.

And although Jongwoon often showed his irritation and cursed a lot, the tenderness that would often come over his face afterwards, a soft kind of expression that was reserved only for Hyukjae, was evident that he found the younger’s actions quite endearing.

Which was why Hyukjae could freely tease Jongwoon so much and still get away with it, because the brat knew just how much his hyung loved him.

But then everything seemed to come to a slow halt.

Basically, the teasing and jokes lessened. Not a little bit, even. It was so significant that even the others noticed it yet they must not deem it that important, because nobody even said anything.

Shindong committed this into memory though, because honestly, it was just really interesting. And observing s was fun sometimes; there were a lot of easter eggs one could notice when they bothered to look closely.

Whenever members began to make fun of Jongwoon or play a prank on him, Hyukjae was usually either the instigator or the accomplice alongside Kyuhyun. But about a week or two ago, it was Kyuhyun who started it, followed by Ryeowook, and while everybody was laughing and having fun, Hyukjae just sat there at the sidelines, laughing politely with the rest. He didn’t move an inch from his position, and he didn’t say anything, either.

Shindong watched with growing interest as Hyukjae kept glancing over at Jongwoon, and he became even more intrigued when Hyukjae kept saying things on behalf of Jongwoon, like the part where he mentioned that Jongwoon was a habitual person, that Jongwoon normally didn’t eat his own cooking.

Also, the two of them seemed calmer than usual, and their gazes held a different kind of meaning. The touches were gentle yet subtle enough not to catch attention, and the way they talked about each other showed just how close they really were.

Then again, Shindong thought to himself, I could just be reading too much into things.

But…

Shindong watched them from the corner of his eye once filming ended, seeing Hyukjae approach Jongwoon with a bottle of water in hand. It was evident in Jongwoon’s tired face and his dry lips that he hadn’t been drinking much water nowadays, so Shindong was a bit surprised to see Hyukjae, of all people, taking action.

Something is definitely changing… Shindong thought with a smile.

It’s been a long time coming, you two.

 

✾

 

Jongwoon could feel eyes on his every move, and it made him feel nervous. He lifted his gaze from his phone to meet Hyukjae’s stare, and his stomach made a little flip at the small smile on the younger’s face.

“What are you doing?” Hyukjae asked conversationally, tilting his head in that cute way that Jongwoon often found adorable.

“…What’s with you?” Jongwoon laughed.

“What? Is there something wrong with asking you what you’re doing?” Hyukjae said with a sunny grin.

“Aish, just go away,” Jongwoon said, returning his focus back to his phone and trying not to look at Hyukjae’s expression. The younger had been making him feel so nervous lately; he could not predict what Hyukjae’s next move would be. “Go and bother someone else.”

“But you’re the only one I like to bother,” Hyukjae said innocently, lowering his head and trying to peer into Jongwoon’s eyes because the latter was still refusing to look at him. “And I told you, didn’t I? That I’d prove it to you.”

That set Jongwoon’s cheeks on fire. “Shut it, you idiot,” he breathed out, heart thundering inside his chest.

“You told me to prove it to you, so I’m doing my best here,” Hyukjae said stubbornly. “Why do you keep avoiding me lately? Why don’t you touch me as much as you used to?”

Jongwoon’s eyes nervously darted around the waiting room. Thankfully, everyone seemed to be busy minding their own business. “Not here,” he said imploringly. “We can talk about this somewhere else.”

The corner of Hyukjae’s lips curved upwards. “Somewhere… private?”

“Just… somewhere else,” Jongwoon stammered.

“Hmm…” Hyukjae observed him closely. “Hyung, relax. I won’t do anything to you,” he said softly. “We’re here to promote and have fun, remember?” He reached out and wrapped an arm around Jongwoon’s shoulder. “Let’s bully Heechul-hyung together later. What do you say?”

That seemed to relax Jongwoon considerably and he smiled. “You…” he said, voice trailing off.

“Mmm?” Hyukjae asked, waiting for his hyung to elaborate.

Jongwoon sighed a little. “Nothing… I’ll tell you later.” He held up his phone and turned to Hyukjae. “Hey, let’s take a selca together.”

Hyukjae nodded. “Sure. Whatever you want.”

That seemed to please Jongwoon, and so they took the pictures. Hyukjae watched Jongwoon’s phone screen as the latter posted their photos on social media.

“Don’t we look good together?” he said cheekily.

Jongwoon laughed. “I’m the only one who looks good here, though,” he said teasingly.

Hyukjae pouted. “Ah, why??”

“Because I’m more handsome than you,” Jongwoon said simply.

“No way,” Hyukjae said, laughing.

As they bickered back and forth like normal, Jongwoon’s defenses lowered considerably. It was funny in a way; Hyukjae was the only one who could make him so nervous, but he was also the only person who could make him feel relaxed and comfortable in an instant. Jongwoon was always grateful.

The shooting for Knowing Brothers went well, and all of them enjoyed every bit of it. Jongwoon was especially energetic during this episode, dancing excitedly with the others and guessing songs better than the rest.

And then...

“It Has to Be You.”

“Correct!”

Jongwoon was left dumbfounded. He let out a humorless chuckle and shook his head, watching his two dongsaengs walk towards the center and begin imitating him.

Aish, these punks… he thought in his head as he approached. He watched with amusement as they made fun of his nail-biting habit in the past, and when Hyukjae mimicked the legendary “Yesung Kick”, Jongwoon’s bewilderment increased.

Oh great, now they had more ammo on him.

Not that Jongwoon minded, though.

They were just lucky he found them cute.

“Hyung, did you know it was your song?” Ryeowook asked him once they were seated back in their chairs.

Yesung was still in a state of amazement. “I…”

Ryeowook laughed at his expression and turned to Shindong. “He didn’t recognize it, either.”

“He didn’t recognize his own song,” Shindong announced.

“Seriously, how were we supposed to recognize it?” Sugeun piped up.

Jongwoon turned to Hyukjae and tapped him on the shoulder, pointing at him with a wide, happy grin. “You must like me, huh?” he teased.

To his surprise, instead of denying it like he usually did, Hyukjae nodded. “Of course I like you,” he said with a smile.

Jongwoon laughed, but he couldn’t deny the warm feeling that was spreading in his chest. “You’re the best,” he said sincerely.

In response, Hyukjae stood up and imitated Jongwoon’s voice once more — being his annoying self again — then sat back down and met his hyung’s amused gaze.

“Of course I like you.”

Such cute words, Jongwoon thought to himself fondly.

 

✾

 

After the shooting, the others went on their way towards the waiting room after telling each other and the staff that they did a good job. In the middle of walking in the makeshift school hallway, Hyukjae stopped in his tracks and called out towards Jongwoon.

“Hyung.”

Jongwoon turned around at the sound of his name, surprised to see Hyukjae standing there, waiting patiently. Puzzled, he approached the younger.

“Hyukjae? What is it?” he asked.

Hyukjae only smiled. “Good work today,” he said softly.

Despite himself, Jongwoon couldn’t help a wide smile spreading throughout his face. “You too,” he said tenderly.

Hyukjae lifted his palm and smiled at him brightly. Jongwoon shook his head in amusement and raised his own hand.

“You were really great today,” Jongwoon told him before slapping Hyukjae’s open palm with his own in a high-five.

But before Jongwoon could retract his hand back to his side, his heart made a flip when Hyukjae suddenly intertwined their fingers together, their hands still connected.

“...What are you doing?” Jongwoon breathed out, everything in his body except for his mouth completely frozen in place.

Hyukjae’s smile transitioned into a smirk, gaze dark as he used their entwined hands to pull Jongwoon closer. Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against the older’s ear.

“Of course I like you.”

Hyukjae pulled back and gripped Jongwoon’s hand tighter, bringing it up to his face so he could press a kiss against the older man’s knuckles.

“I’ll prove it to you, again and again” were Hyukjae’s last words before letting go of Jongwoon’s hand and walking past him towards the direction of the waiting room.

Leaving Jongwoon standing there, absolutely dumbfounded at what just happened.

 

✾

 

“I feel like something in you has changed…”

Siwon’s out-of-the-blue statement hung in the air, silencing the room. Hyukjae looked at him with wide eyes in the middle of drinking soju while Kyuhyun’s gaze sneakily went back and forth between the two. Donghae and Ryeowook, on the other hand, were staring at them with intrigue, the latter still chewing on a biscuit.

“…Are you talking to me?” Hyukjae spoke, expression displaying confusion.

Kyuhyun shook his head, and Siwon chuckled.

“Yes, I’m talking to you, Hyukjae,” he answered.

“…I don’t think I changed much,” Hyukjae said slowly, putting down his glass on the table. “Why did you say that?”

“Because we noticed that you’re acting a little different around Yesung-hyung lately,” Kyuhyun piped in.

“No I’m not,” Hyukjae answered immediately.

“Why did you answer so quickly?” Donghae said, laughing.

“I’m really not!” Hyukjae insisted, cheeks flushed crimson. Whether it was because of the sudden unexpected topic or because of the alcohol, it was unknown. “Why are you guys looking at me like that? Ah, really…”

“Because we’re intrigued,” Ryeowook replied simply.

“Don’t think we didn’t see you offering him that water bottle in the middle of KRY’s performance during KPA,” Siwon pointed out.

“And that whispering while everyone was singing One More Chance,” Donghae added. “Like, seriously? What was that about?”

“You even told us not to too much,” Kyuhyun said, raising an eyebrow. “Why is that? You want Yesung-hyung all to yourself, is that it?”

Hyukjae felt like he was being attacked in all directions. “Wait, wait, you guys, really!” he said, sounding incredibly flustered. “Why are you all doing this to me??”

“Would you rather we ask Yesung-hyung ourselves?” Ryeowook shot out, smirking.

“No!” Hyukjae said immediately. “I mean okay, fine,” he said in defeat, raising both arms in the form of surrender. “What do you guys want to know? I’ll tell you everything… as long as you don’t say anything to Yesung-hyung,” he added with a threatening undertone to his voice.

Kyuhyun shrugged. “Fine with me.”

“I like where this is going,” Siwon said, chuckling.

Hyukjae shot him a glare, but it was no use. s were already eyeing him like a pack of hyenas, ready to pounce on him the moment he said something to strike their fancy.

Hyukjae resisted the urge to groan. Why were they being so nosy?

Then again, it couldn’t be helped. If he were a bystander in this case, he would’ve been intrigued as well. As guys, they often teased each other and played pranks endlessly, so whenever a window of opportunity opened, they’d grab their chance as quickly as possible, the mischievous bunch they were.

Hyukjae figured that this was karma for all those times he spent with Sungmin, Donghae, and Siwon when they followed the others around and asked them why they were acting differently towards a particular member.

Basically, he wasn’t exactly innocent, either.

“Do you like Yesung-hyung?”

Ryeowook’s voice snapped Hyukjae out of his thoughts and he choked on his saliva.

The dining room burst into laughter.

“That’s what I was thinking, too!” Siwon said with a snort.

“I think all of us are thinking that same thing,” Donghae said knowingly, sending Hyukjae a smirk. Hyukjae glared at him weakly in return.

“Shut it,” Hyukjae warned.

“Oh? But you didn’t deny it?” Kyuhyun said with a grin.

“Of course I like Yesung-hyung,” Hyukjae said quickly. “Why wouldn’t I like him?”

“That’s what you said back on Knowing Brothers, too,” Ryeowook said, always the sharp one.

“Yeah, so what?” Hyukjae almost stuttered out.

“Hyung,” Kyuhyun interjected. “It’s a different kind of like, isn’t it?” he asked knowingly.

“...” Hyukjae hesitated. Should he really tell them?

Donghae was peering at him closely. “You can tell us the truth,” he encouraged. “We won’t tell.”

“Yeah, we’ll just have new teasing material on you instead,” Kyuhyun added not-so encouragingly.

Beside him, Siwon nudged him by the elbow, and Kyuhyun laughed evilly in response.

Ryeowook’s signature laughter followed, and it seemed to reverberate in the room.

Hyukjae groaned. “So not helpful, you guys…”

“All right, all right, we’ll be serious now,” Siwon assured, and he especially eyed Kyuhyun who looked back at him innocently.

Hyukjae decided to give up, anyway. “Fine. I do like Yesung-hyung. Happy now?” he said, glaring at each of them.

Donghae snickered. “Not that it’s anything new.”

“You think we’re idiots?” Ryeowook added, chewing on another biscuit with a sassy expression on his face.

Hyukjae’s face turned red. “Then why did you guys force me to say it in the first place!” he complained.

“Just to be sure,” Ryeowook replied with a playful grin.

Hyukjae almost wanted to hit his head on the table.

“So… what are you going to do?” Siwon asked softly.

Hyukjae turned to him with half-lidded eyes. “I’m already doing something,” he said simply. “…I’m just keeping it slow for now.”

“Why agonize yourself? Go for it and go all the way,” Kyuhyun said. “There’s no better time than the present.”

Hyukjae hesitated. “I don’t think… well… I think Yesung-hyung needs more time to adjust.”

“So considerate,” Ryeowook remarked off-handedly.

“Hmm, true,” Siwon agreed.

“The way you’ve been taking care of him more lately…” Donghae spoke up. “It’s really cool.”

“Yeah,” Siwon said, nodding. “You don’t much now, either.”

“Because it’s time for me to lessen the teasing,” Hyukjae said with a fond smile, “and to start getting serious.”

While everyone was looking at him in awe, Hyukjae stood up and shook his head as though trying to clear the mild dizziness he felt.

“Anyway, now that you’re all done interrogating me, I’ll be going to sleep first.”

He walked away without another word, aware of everyone’s eyes boring on his back even after he closed the door of his room behind him.

When they heard the click, the four members faced each other with conspiratorial grins on their faces.

“Wow… he’s so charming,” Donghae remarked, extremely pleased with this turn of events.

“So…” Ryeowook said with a grin. “We’re gonna support him in this, right?”

“No question about it,” Siwon agreed with a matching smile.

“Count me in,” Kyuhyun said, smirking. “I bet this will all be very interesting…”

 

✾

 

When Hyukjae said that he was going to prove it to Jongwoon, he really wasn’t kidding around.

These past few months felt like a dream to Jongwoon. If he were being honest with himself, he was in a state of euphoria.

Hyukjae changed a bit, but was still the same, the only difference being the way he treated Jongwoon nowadays.

Before, Hyukjae would joke around with him and talk to him sometimes, but there was this unspoken distance between them that neither dared to bring up. But now, Hyukjae seemed to have crossed that boundary without hesitation, approaching Jongwoon first, talking to him first, messaging him first, calling him first. It was as though all the attention Jongwoon had been craving from Hyukjae these past years accumulated and dropped upon him like a bomb.

Like a switch had been flipped on, and Jongwoon then got up into a vortex he couldn’t escape.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae said as he went over towards a sweaty Jongwoon, water bottle ready in hand. Their practice for House Party choreography was now done for the day, and Hyukjae firmly grabbed this opportunity to spend time with Jongwoon since they were going to be too busy during promotions week.

Unbeknownst to them though, they were being watched.

Donghae almost chuckled aloud at the sight of the two and met eyes with Ryeowook, who giggled and in turn met gazes with Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun nudged Siwon who was beside him.

The four of them nodded at each other, eyes relaying a silent message between them.

“I’m going first,” Jungsoo bade them goodbye unexpectedly, but not before glancing over at Hyukjae and Jongwoon who were now in their own little world. He smiled and went out the door without a word.

“Us too,” Donghae said, slinging his bag over his shoulder. He purposefully turned his head towards Hyukjae, but the latter didn’t seem to hear him, so Donghae shrugged and followed after Jungsoo, the rest of the members trailing behind him.

“You too, hyung?” Siwon asked Shindong, who was right beside him, already prepared to leave. Which was kind of odd, because Shindong usually took his time arranging his things and talking to the staff. He was basically almost always one of the last ones to leave the room.

“I’m sure you know why,” Shindong replied simply, and when the words processed inside Siwon’s mind, the latter laughed and wrapped an arm around his hyung.

When the door closed behind them after the rest of the staff left, Jongwoon spun his head, startled to see that they were the only ones in the room.

“They all left already?” Jongwoon asked aloud, bewildered. He took one last swig of the water bottle Hyukjae offered him and then stood up from his crouched position.

But before he could grab his bag and turn on his heel to leave as well, Hyukjae moved.

In a swift motion, Hyukjae slipped his hands into the pockets of Jongwoon’s pants and pressed against him from behind, peeking out from the older’s shoulder. He stared at their reflection in the mirror, watching the way Jongwoon’s entire body stiffened and the speed of the red flush creeping up Jongwoon’s neck and ears.

It pleased Hyukjae to see how flustered Jongwoon got whenever he became clingy and affectionate towards the older man, how Jongwoon would often react to whatever Hyukjae would do to him. If Hyukjae hugged him, Jongwoon would instantly hug back. If Hyukjae held his hand, Jongwoon would squeeze it back affectionately. If Hyukjae told him sweet words, Jongwoon had sweeter ones up his sleeve.

Jongwoon was gradually warming up to him, to the idea of Hyukjae loving him back, and Hyukjae was happy at this progress. For years, he pined for this man, but was unable to express his feelings properly.

Now that he was no longer unsure or scared enough to keep a distance, Hyukjae felt lighter and much happier than before. This feeling was so rewarding, sometimes he was afraid this could all be just a dream.

“…What are you doing?” Jongwoon whispered.

“I’m hugging you,” Hyukjae replied simply.

As Hyukjae continued watching Jongwoon’s expression in the mirror, he almost smiled at how red the latter’s face was. Jongwoon looked so flustered yet so frozen in place, it was adorable to watch.

He knew he was filling up the other male’s head and he was enjoying every second of it.

“But I’m all sweaty and smelly,” Jongwoon protested weakly.

“Me too,” Hyukjae said calmly, taking out his hands from the pockets and wrapping them around Jongwoon’s waist this time, securing the latter in a tight, affectionate hold.

“You…” Jongwoon tried to find another reason to refuse the touch, but realized that he couldn’t think of any. The effect Hyukjae had on him was incredible as always; his nearness was intoxicating, and Jongwoon could feel his own body melting against the younger’s warmth. Hyukjae felt so safe, so secure, so comfortable.

Maybe in that moment, Jongwoon’s mind became weak along with his physical strength. Maybe he just felt too content being in Hyukjae’s arms that for once his insecurity and paranoia didn’t bother him like usual. Maybe he was tired of restraining himself all the time. Maybe he just wanted to feel free and loved without worries for once.

So he turned his head and faced Hyukjae with a tender expression on his face, with a smile so fond and gentle, as he reached out and ruffled the younger’s hair affectionately.

“I can never resist you, can I?” he whispered, pressing a quick kiss against Hyukjae’s forehead.

Today, I feel your love a little bit more.

They stayed like that for a long time, just hugging and touching, just enjoying each other’s silent company.

 

✾

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung

💬 good luck with your mv filming

💬 don’t be too touchy with the female lead, ok? 😤

💬 no kissing scenes, either

 

… what are you, my boyfriend? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 do you want me to be?

💬 😏

 

oh shut up 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

💬 let’s work hard today too, hyung^^

💬 i’ll see you later

💬 how’re you doing over there?

 

i’m lonely 💬

nobody’s here to watch and support me in person 💬

ah … how i wish you’d always be with me … 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung?

 

don’t mind me 💬

have a great day today, eunhyuk-ah 💬

hyung loves you 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i love you, too

💬 i’m a fool for you

💬 always

 

shut up with the cheesy talk 💬

you’re making me cringe 💬

 

✾

 

It was when the manager approached him with a small smile on his face that Jongwoon felt that something was up.

“Yesung-ssi,” the manager said. “You have a gift.”

“A gift?” Jongwoon repeated, his attention on his phone forgotten.

“Come outside.”

Jongwoon went out the door, and the cameras followed his every move. After being filled in on the details, he couldn’t help but laugh incredulously.

“Dongba sent us a coffee truck?” he exclaimed, chuckling in disbelief. As he walked along, the car came into view, and Jongwoon already had his phone out, ready to take a picture. He tried not to laugh too much at the sight of Hyukjae’s photos displayed out there proudly as well as the cute text on the banner.

‘I’m watching you, Aesongie-hyung~’

His heart almost burst seeing that. Hyukjae called him by this nickname a lot of times these past few months which he only did whenever he was feeling affectionate.

And also, for some reason, Hyukjae was the only one who called him this since the others refused to do so.

It made Jongwoon feel a little special.

When the staff asked him for a message to Hyukjae, Jongwoon was still wrapped up in his feelings, heart pounding endlessly.

“Thank you for the nice surprise… hm…” His voice trailed off and he resorted to small gestures instead, unable to suppress the happiness bubbling inside his chest.

“I’ll enjoy the drink and do my best. Please show your love and support.” He pointed at the camera with a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Jongwoon thought that he would be able to keep himself focused the rest of the day. But he was proven wrong, because everyone was thanking him as they passed by, asking him to relay their regards to Hyukjae. Even as Jongwoon did his best with the acting scenes, he could not get the image of Hyukjae eradicated from his mind.

Honestly, what on earth were they doing…? It felt like they were flirting seriously but they could also be playing around with each other. Jongwoon’s usual affection with Hyukjae never waned, and he was used to telling the younger he loved him ever since they were rookies, but now, whenever he used sweet words with Hyukjae, it felt like they brought on an entirely different meaning now.

And Jongwoon wasn’t sure what to make of that.

“I’ll upload a picture of the coffee truck,” Jongwoon answered when he was asked by one of the staff during the break, “saying, Eunhyuk-ah, thanks, but is it for me or for you?” He then joked, drawing giggles from the stylists, “‘Guess who’s filming an MV~’ like this?”

When it was time to shoot, Jongwoon still couldn’t get Hyukjae out of his mind. He did his best nevertheless, but it was embarrassing for him to admit that when he did loving gazes and gestures, he imagined his partner to be Hyukjae, having fun with him, laughing together, being all sweet to each other, smiling like they were the only ones in the world that they could see.

It’s funny too, Jongwoon thought to himself in amusement, because I feel like he really is watching me.

 

✾

 

When filming finally ended, Jongwoon separated himself from the others, waiting for the manager near the van. In the meantime, he took out his phone and made a quick call.

It was answered within one ring.

Seems that someone has been waiting, Jongwoon thought to himself in amusement.

“Hello?”

“Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon said affectionately.

There was a beat of silence on the other line.

“Hey? You there?” Jongwoon said.

“...I’m here,” Hyukjae replied.

“Why were you silent?”

“...Well,” Hyukjae said slowly, “the way you said my name, it made me want to go over there right now and give you a hug.”

The smile on Jongwoon’s face froze.

“But I can’t, so…” Hyukjae continued on. “Maybe next time.”

“...I’ll remember this,” Jongwoon managed to get out. “The next time we meet, when I try to hug you, you are not allowed to push me away or run off, you got that?”

Hyukjae’s laugh filled his ears at that moment, and the fluttery feeling in Jongwoon’s chest brought him so much happiness.

So much happiness that he was starting to get scared again.

“All right. I’ll allow just one hug,” Hyukjae said smugly.

“Bastard,” Jongwoon said with a loud laugh. “Anyway, thank you.”

“For what?” There was a teasing lilt to Hyukjae’s voice.

Jongwoon, amused, decided to humor him. “Thank you for the coffee truck you sent me, my handsome dongsaeng~” he said fondly. “You really have a talent for surprising people, huh?”

Hyukjae’s voice was completely smug, but also slightly miffed. “You’re welcome, and yeah, I’m awesome like that.” He then added, “Also, I told you to stop calling me your dongsaeng.”

“What else should I call you, then?”

“You can start by calling me honey—”

“Yeah, nope. Not happening.”

“Cheapskate.”

Jongwoon’s laughter that followed after was like music to Hyukjae’s ears.

“Anyway, the banner and the pictures… really?” Jongwoon said, bewildered. “‘I’m watching you’? And what’s with the photos? There wasn’t even a single photo of me!”

“The banner was to remind you that I was there for you in spirit, watching and supporting you,” Hyukjae said proudly, though there was also a loving tone to his voice. “Also, isn’t that what it’s supposed to be?”

“No it’s not!” Jongwoon said, laughing. He couldn’t keep track of how many times he’s been chuckling these past ten minutes, and the happy feeling bubbling in his chest was growing by the second. “Hey, was it really for me or was it actually for you?”

“What if I say it’s both~?” Hyukjae said mischievously, making Jongwoon laugh again.

“You’re really impossible.”

“I told you. I’m a fool for you.”

Hyukjae’s tone was significantly softer with that last line, and Jongwoon felt his mouth go dry.

But before he could gather the courage to speak, the manager was approaching him, apparently done with his duties. Flustered, Jongwoon muttered a quick goodbye to Hyukjae before going inside the van, hands trembling and heart racing in his chest.

 

✾

 

the mv is out 💬

did you watch it ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 nope

 

why ?? ㅠㅠ 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i sent you a coffee truck

💬 that’s the important thing

💬 :3

 

aigoo, you cute little thing 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 also i’m sure you know the reason why i refuse to watch it

 

… why ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 😒

💬 ofc it’s because i don’t want to see you being lovey-dovey with someone that isn’t me !

 

oh 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 is that all you have to say

 

lol stop joking around already 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung, why?

💬 you still don’t believe me?

💬 how much more do i have to prove to you?

 

oh, no no 💬

i’m sorry 💬

i didn’t mean to invalidate your feelings 💬

i’m sorry 💬

i’m just … embarrassed 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 aish

💬 this hyung is so frustrating

💬 sometimes i wonder why i fell in love with you

 

… 💬

.. hyukjae 💬

why ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 huh?

 

why me ? 💬

of all people 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 are

💬 are you seriously asking me that right now

 

i just want to know 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 why would you want to know

💬 is there even a reason why you fall in love with someone

💬 also, i was just joking earlier, hyung

 

i know that 💬

i’m just curious 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 don’t worry about that too much

 

.. you can’t even answer me though 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung

 

sorry 💬

hyukjae-ya 💬

you should find someone better than me 💬

i’m not good enough for you 💬

i have a lot of insecurities 💬

and i always have doubts 💬

and it’s burdensome to have me around 💬

i don’t think you’ll be happy with me 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung, wait

💬 seriously?

💬 we’ve been together like family for two decades now

💬 what are you saying

 

no 💬

no … i’m not ready for this 💬

or … whatever this is 💬

i’m sorry 💬

really, i am 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung???

💬 hyung

💬 answer me

💬 hyung!

💬 yesung-hyung

💬 hyung

💬 kim jongwoon

💬 yah!

💬 don’t ignore me

💬 why?

💬 why are you always running away?

💬 hyung…

💬 i…

💬 i get hurt too, you know...

 

✾

 

Hyukjae was getting frustrated. A few days had passed since their last conversation, and every time he tried to talk to Jongwoon or call him, he got ignored completely.

It wasn’t that Hyukjae wasn’t used to Jongwoon’s push-and-pull tendency. Ever since they were rookies, Jongwoon would be all warm and attentive towards him one minute, and the next day he would be all casual and distant. It had confused Hyukjae to the point where he started noticing Jongwoon more, observing the older man’s expressions and habits. The puzzlement and curiosity soon shifted into intrigue, and then further transitioned into a deep kind of interest that went further than the boundaries of friendship.

He tried everything. He sat next to Jongwoon every time he could, he spoke to him in the background and even on-camera, he poked fun at him every now and then just to catch his attention, and he even asked him to hang out together after filming.

Nothing was working. Jongwoon’s professional mode was switched on whenever they were with members and whenever they were in front of the cameras. When their schedules ended, Jongwoon would go home first, and he refused everyone who asked him to eat together. Hyukjae’s calls and messages were still being ignored as well.

Honestly, Jongwoon was such a complicated person. Hyukjae couldn’t wrap his mind around it; one second the older man was all over him, and in the next he was acting all cold and aloof. What was his deal? Was Jongwoon only content with romantic words and gestures whenever it suited him or whenever he felt like it? Was this a no-strings attached kind of relationship? But they weren’t even ing each other.

Hyukjae was about to go mad.

One day, he exploded. After their schedule, Hyukjae marched up to Jongwoon, snatched his arm, and led him away further into the parking lot where nobody could see them, where they were out of sight.

“Hyukjae, I—” Jongwoon began.

“Hyung, am I a joke to you?” Hyukjae said, the annoyance evident in his voice, making Jongwoon widen his eyes in surprise. It was rare to see Hyukjae so irritated; the younger was normally so calm and gentle, which made Jongwoon feel even more guilty knowing that he was the cause of it.

“No, no, you’re not…” Jongwoon said quietly, finding it hard to maintain eye-contact with Hyukjae.

“Hyung, I…” Hyukjae took a deep breath before continuing. “Look… I’m… I’m going to be very frank with you right now.” He gazed at Jongwoon so intensely that the latter almost flinched at the sight. “If you really don’t want me to chase after you, tell me. Tell it to me right to my face. Tell me you don’t love — like me back, and I’ll give up on you if that’s what you want. Just… please,” he pleaded, “don’t confuse me like this. Don’t string me along with your tendencies and just expect me to be all right with everything. I’m not a saint, hyung.”

Jongwoon squirmed in place, looking both distressed and uncomfortable. He kept opening his mouth as though to say something, but no words came out.

Hyukjae kept on going, trying to make Jongwoon say something, anything at all. “If you want me to understand you, you have to talk to me. You have to share your feelings with me, too. I can’t just be the only one adjusting to your wants and needs. Before all this, we’re friends, aren’t we?” he implored. “If you don’t want me to understand you, then fine, just tell me. I’ll understand that, too. Hyung, we’ve been together for so many years. We spent half our lives together, haven’t we?

“I know more about you than anyone else out there except for your family. I’ve seen all your good sides and I love you for them. I’ve seen all your flaws, and I love you for them too, because I already accepted them all a long time ago. I’ve seen all your habits and your mood swings and even though there are some things I can’t understand about you or I find weird, they’re all a part of you. They’re you. And still, I love you.”

Jongwoon stood there, frozen, unable to comprehend the words that were coming out of Hyukjae’s mouth.

Hyukjae waited for a response, but they were already taking too long. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to stay calm.

“If you don’t believe me, then we should talk about it more. Don’t worry, I’ll give you time. Whenever you’re ready, call me. Call me first. I’ll wait,” Hyukjae said softly, gazing at Jongwoon with a meaningful look in his eyes. “I’ve waited for you for years. I don’t mind waiting more.”

When he left, Jongwoon stared at the ground, conflicting emotions and thoughts creating a whirlwind inside his mind.

 

✾

 

True to his word, Jongwoon called him first.

But it wasn’t because of the reasons Hyukjae was expecting before, because there was now a new, temporary variable attached to this complicated equation of a relationship they had.

“Hey, I…” Jongwoon’s voice seemed to tremble, and Hyukjae felt his heart sinking to his stomach. “I heard the news…”

Hearing the sad, guilty note in Jongwoon’s voice stirred something in Hyukjae. “Hey, don’t sound like that, hyung,” he said lightly, pretending to be cheerful. “I tested negative. It’s fine. I just need to stay at home for two weeks. No big deal.”

There was a beat of silence from the other end. Hyukjae could only hear Jongwoon breathing harshly against the microphone.

“…I’m sorry.”

A lump rose to Hyukjae’s throat. “For what…?”

“For…” Jongwoon’s voice trailed off for a moment. “…everything.”

Hyukjae felt his eyes grow wet. Jongwoon sounded so sorry and so guilty that he felt his own heart breaking into pieces. “No… you have nothing to be sorry about… I get it, hyung. You were just scared,” he tried to soothe. “Don’t worry. I’ll get better soon. Then we can see each other again… and talk properly this time.”

Jongwoon took a deep breath. “Hyukjae, I…” He paused for a moment, seemingly trying to regain his bearings. “I promise I won’t run away this time.”

Hyukjae smiled, and the tears slowly rolled down his face, gathering into a heavy drop by his chin. “…I’m glad,” he said softly.

“I promise,” Jongwoon said quietly, “that I won’t make you sad anymore.”

 

✾

 

After that, everything seemed to be back to normal… somewhat.

Both of them had an unspoken agreement not to talk about the issue until they were right in front of each other, so their dynamic slowly returned to how it used to be. Hyukjae with his flirty jokes, and Jongwoon with his sweet words and assurances.

Hyukjae’s talks with Jongwoon during his entire quarantine period were honestly so comforting. It was a welcome respite from all the frustration and loneliness that were pent up inside of him, and sometimes it was nice to pretend that everything was fine, even if it was just for a little while.

At first, Jongwoon was a little hesitant to call and message him again. It had been a while since they communicated over the phone, so it was awkward for both of them in the beginning, but soon it reverted back to the normalcy that they needed.

As Hyukjae complained about being unable to meet people and unable to do something productive, Jongwoon soothed him by talking about the daily events, and even some gossip he picked up on SNS. And when Hyukjae began to admit to Jongwoon that he missed him, Jongwoon slowly started to reciprocate, and soon those sincere feelings rose to the surface, letting Jongwoon be as true and as expressive as he could be.

Perhaps it was also because of the comfort of not saying these words in person, but Hyukjae didn’t really care.

Jongwoon said he missed him, and Hyukjae felt more thrilled than he had been these past few weeks.

 

✾

 

Day 4, Quarantine Period

 

Eunhyuk

💬 when you miss me

💬 use this 🌙

 

why? 💬

i can just tell you outright that i miss you 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 no

💬 that’s cringey

 

you’re mean ㅠㅠ 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 and you’re cute ㅋㅋ

 

i miss you already 💬

it’s boring without you here 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i miss you, too

💬 i want to see you, quickly

 

me too 💬

 

✾

 

Day 6, Quarantine Period

 

how are you ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i’m doing fine

💬 feels nice to relax and be at home

 

i’ll talk to you at this hour every night so you won’t get lonely 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 oh… how sweet

 

i’m not disturbing you, am i ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 nah, you can never

💬 i like talking to you

 

that’s flattering :D 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 now i’m regretting saying that to you

 

ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ so cute 💬

 

✾

 

Day 8, Quarantine Period

 

did you eat already ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 yeah

💬 the dorm auntie left me good food in front of my door

💬 my favorites!

 

nice to know that you’re holding up okay over there 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i’m just very bored

 

you can watch all the movies you didn’t get a chance to see 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 yeah, i’m doing it right now

💬 i’ve been playing a lot of games lately, too

💬 as expected, lazy days are the best

 

wow, i’m kinda jealous 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 it’s not fun being alone for long periods of time tho

💬 it’s lonely

 

hang in there, hyuk-ah 💬

soon, it will be all over 💬

i promise 💬

 

✾

 

Day 10, End of Quarantine Period

 

Eunhyuk

💬 hyung

💬 i tested negative again

💬 hyuuungggg

 

really??? seriously? 💬

that’s great news! 💬

ㅋㅋㅋ 💬

welcome back to the outside world, idiot 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i can’t believe i’m saying this, but

💬 i’m excited to work again

💬 and see you guys

💬 hey, hyung

 

yeah? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 let’s meet up soon, okay?

 

of course 💬

i can’t wait to see you 💬

 

✾

 

Day 12, After Quarantine

 

we didn’t get to talk much earlier 💬

i’m sorry 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 it’s fine

💬 it couldn’t be helped

💬 we’re both too busy lately

 

i wish i could get a chance to be with you soon 💬

only you 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 possessive much? 😬

💬 ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

💬 ok seriously tho, yeah

💬 i want that, too

 

✾

 

Day 14, After Quarantine

 

dongba 💬

dongba-ya 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 what is it?

 

hey, do you want to come with me to hidden track ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 ???

💬 me? come with you?

💬 aren’t you supposed to be promoting alone?

 

well,, since you were in quarantine 💬

i figured that you’d want to be on more shows 💬

since you were feeling frustrated and lonely and bored 💬

and i want to see you too, so ... 💬

i asked teukie-hyung if it’s okay, and he said yes 💬

but if you don’t want to, i swear it’s fine 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 who says i don’t want to?

💬 i’ll come

 

you will ? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 anything for you, hyung

 

thank you 💬

i miss you a lot 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 finally, i get to see you

 

✾

 

ARTIST YESUNG

로스트 하트가 정말인가가 많구나 … 와우 고민이다아 … 암튼 모두 잘자고 내일은 나의 오래된 친구가 특별 출현하니 많이들 반 겨주고 내일 생방에서 만나요 #뷰나잇 !!

I can see that Lost Heart is very popular ... Wow, I’m worried … Anyway, everyone, rest well, and tomorrow my special old friend will make an appearance so everyone please tune in. I'll see you tomorrow #BeauNight !!

 

✾

 

“That hyung was here earlier before I arrived but he’s not here now? Aigoo, that old man. I can’t believe he just left me here!”

The staff were all giggling at Hyukjae’s feigned annoyed expression as he played games on his phone in the waiting room. Jungsoo was discussing something with the manager, so he left for a little while, leaving Hyukjae alone. They had about forty minutes left before the live, so Hyukjae was restless.

He needed to see his hyung quickly.

Granted, this wasn’t the first time they met after his quarantine period. Jungsoo, Jongwoon, and Ryeowook had guested on D&E’s show just a few days ago. But they didn’t get to spend much time together because the three already left first. Hyukjae wasn’t able to contact Jongwoon that much either due to their different schedules. He missed messing with his hyung already.

And vying for his attention.

He almost went crazy during quarantine. All those days when he was just stuck at home watching TV and playing games, Ryeowook and Jongwoon often called him and kept him company. Though Ryeowook talked to him a lot more compared to Jongwoon due to the latter’s recent solo activities, Hyukjae found that he longed for Jongwoon even though they managed to talk almost every night. It was the reason why Hyukjae kept going to sleep at ungodly hours of the morning.

And Jongwoon even posted about missing him during the Busan One Asia Festival. He knew this because he lurked on Jongwoon’s SNS out of boredom during his quarantine period.

All that crap about it being boring because he wasn’t there and yet now that they could finally meet each other in person properly after a long while, Jongwoon didn’t seem interested in hanging out with him at all! What was this atrocity?

…Or maybe Jongwoon was just doing something important. Yeah.

He was just being impatient as always.

Hyukjae sighed, his attention drifting off from the game he was playing. When he received the text from Jongwoon a few days ago and asked him to be a special guest on here, Hyukjae was both surprised and ecstatic. He actually had a conflicting schedule planned on this day, but he had it postponed immediately after saying yes to Jongwoon without a second thought.

His hyung rarely ever asked him for favors, much less asked him to hang out, so this most probably meant good things.

Hyukjae sighed again. He was just so jittery, he needed to let out all this pent-up energy inside of him somehow.

Didn’t you miss me, hyung?

Where are you?

Hyukjae got up from his chair, phone in hand, and prepared to go out and walk around.

He was near the doorway already when he suddenly heard a voice that made him pause in his tracks.

“Yesung-ssi!”

Hyukjae walked out of the room and stared.

There he was. Jongwoon. Jongwoon, with his trademark polite yet sweet smile as he conversed with the manager about something. Hyukjae stepped forward and kept on staring, and all he could hear in his ears was the sound of his heartbeat pounding incessantly in his chest.

He must’ve been gazing at him for a while, because in the middle of the conversation, Jongwoon’s eyes suddenly turned to him, and the latter looked surprised to see him there. Cheeks flushing at the realization of being caught red-handed, Hyukjae immediately reverted his attention back to his phone as though nothing happened, trying to focus on the game he was playing.

Which he was losing badly in.

Hyukjae didn’t really care.

When he stole another glance at Jongwoon, the latter was already wrapping up the conversation, and eventually the manager walked off, leaving Hyukjae and Jongwoon alone in a room full of staff members. Hyukjae gulped inaudibly as Jongwoon smiled at him and began to approach.

In the corner of his eye, he could see the stylist taking a video on her phone, and the others were watching them with excited and expectant gazes.

Hyukjae turned his focus back on Jongwoon who was already a few steps away from getting closer.

“Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon greeted in a sweet voice. “You’re here?”

Hyukjae couldn’t help himself. “Who are you? I’m busy,” he said in a dramatically stiff tone and went back to his game, turning away from Jongwoon.

Jongwoon was unfazed, as to be expected. “Why didn’t you text me that you arrived?” he asked, stepping forward.

Hyukjae gave him a creeped-out, mock-annoyed stare and shuddered visibly, turning his back on the older. “I said who are you? Stay away from me, you creepy person!”

The staff laughed brightly, and Jongwoon chuckled along with them.

“Why are you pushing me away again? Dongba-ya, hyung missed you so much,” Jongwoon called out teasingly, and Hyukjae gave another shudder as he walked away, pressing his side against the wall, blatantly ignoring Jongwoon.

“What are you doing there?” Jongwoon asked with a smile, approaching him without hesitation. His hands were in his pockets as he moved closer, slowly, deliberately.

Hyukjae sent a horrified look towards the staff, who giggled at his antics once again, and shivered as he turned back to his phone, feeling Jongwoon drawing closer and closer from behind.

He felt an involuntary shiver creep along his neck as Jongwoon leaned over to watch the screen, his warm breath against Hyukjae’s ear sending mind-numbing sensations all over the younger’s body. Suddenly, Hyukjae felt unbearably warm, the heat spreading like wildfire through his skin.

Jongwoon smelled like strawberry, what the .

Did he do it on purpose?

Hyukjae muttered a string of groaning noises under his breath until it increased in volume the moment Jongwoon landed his chin on his shoulder, and for a moment Hyukjae was terrified that the older would hear his heartbeat and feel the unusual warmth burning his skin.

“Hey, you’re losing. Shoot that guy over there,” Jongwoon remarked with a chuckle, eyes still peering at Hyukjae’s screen.

Hah… This man really had no idea what kind of ruckus he was creating inside Hyukjae right now.

“Go away,” Hyukjae whined, and this time he half-meant it. He could feel his ears burning with embarrassment now, and it didn’t help that they still had others’ eyes focused on their every move, their laughter reverberating in the room.

“But hyung missed you so much,” Jongwoon said, pouting.

Before Hyukjae could snarl at him, his body jolted when he felt arms snaking around his waist, his back pressed against a warm chest, fingers clutching at the material of his shirt.

Hyukjae could barely even register the giggles of the staff around them anymore.

And then all the wheels inside his mind collapsed completely when he felt Jongwoon’s head turning towards his face, smiling an odd smile that made Hyukjae feel overly nervous.

Jongwoon chuckled a little before pressing a kiss on Hyukjae’s cheek.

“Aaaaghhh!!” Hyukjae exclaimed, pushing away from Jongwoon and wrapping his arms around himself as though protecting his nonexistent chastity. “Aish, hyung, really!”

Jongwoon wasn’t even listening anymore. He dissolved into peals of laughter, his gleeful voice ringing in Hyukjae’s ears. Hyukjae watched, half-horrified and half-fascinated, as Jongwoon pointed at him enthusiastically while clutching his stomach, tears of mirth forming in his eyes.

“Wow, soo funny,” Hyukjae snarled, neck and ears flushed red, and his pulse had not yet stopped racing.

“Brat,” Jongwoon choked out as he calmed himself down, yet he could not control the wide grin that brightened his face.

At this time, the stylist had already stopped recording, and Jungsoo, who had arrived a few minutes before to witness most of the scene, asked them for a copy. The rest began to move about, doing last-minute preparations for the live that was about to start in twenty minutes.

While they were preoccupied, Jongwoon approached Hyukjae again, and the latter put away his phone inside his pocket.

“Seriously though, thank you for coming,” Jongwoon said softly, opening his arms and moving forward to give the younger a proper hug this time. Hyukjae smiled, all signs of pretense gone, and stepped into his hyung’s embrace.

Jongwoon still smelled like strawberry. It was mixed with a cologne that smelled intoxicating.

Hyukjae held onto Jongwoon a little longer than necessary. “I’m glad you asked me to come,” he said quietly so that only both of them could hear.

“Did you miss me?” Jongwoon asked teasingly in English, mimicking Hyukjae’s usual greeting with ELFs.

Hyukjae laughed. “I missed you… like crazy.”

Jongwoon was silent for a moment.

“...Me too.”

After Jongwoon pulled away from the hug and they started to prepare for the live, Hyukjae was struck with a silent epiphany.

It was no use trying to restrain himself any longer.

Perhaps it was because of the loneliness he suffered during quarantine and the longing in his heart that grew as time passed, on and on, all these years. The peak of this yearning reached a height he could no longer control as Jongwoon kept on touching him so casually as if there was nothing special between them, and with Hyukjae’s endless frustration added into the mix, he decided that enough was enough.

He wanted him. He wanted Jongwoon so badly, he was about to go crazy.

He missed him so much. So, so much.

 

✾

 

It was a fun episode. It had been a while since Jongwoon had this much fun. Truly, it was never boring with Hyukjae around.

For him, Hyukjae was like a ray of sunshine in his heart. Whenever Jongwoon saw that Hyukjae was in the same room, his body would relax and his chest would tingle with anticipation. His smile would be a little wider than usual, his laugh a little louder than normal, and his mood a whole lot brighter. It was like, when Hyukjae was around, Jongwoon felt complete.

Sometimes, Jongwoon wondered until when he would be able to keep this up.

Because, even though it was hard for him to admit after all these years, he knew that he was in love. So hopelessly in love that he’d been constantly in denial.

And it hurt.

To have Hyukjae there right by his side, yet the casual touches were not enough. The friendly hugs and pats were not enough. The stolen kisses were not enough.

Jongwoon was afraid, because he wanted more.

But what was he waiting for? It wasn’t as if Hyukjae did not prove to him enough that he harbored the same feelings as well. In fact, Hyukjae did more than enough. Jongwoon became more enamored with him than ever, and it scared him.

How many years had it been since Hyukjae was the only one in his heart? After all this time, he actually had a solid chance? Was the universe just playing a prank on him?

Jongwoon did not believe that he was capable of good things.

And Hyukjae was probably the best thing that ever happened to him in his life.

Jongwoon feared that if they accepted each other, they would eventually find flaws that would break them apart, unchanging habits that would make them realize they were incompatible, and thus their relationship would shatter into pieces along with their friendship.

It was not a valid reason at all, but Jongwoon was just once again trying to run away.

He knew, and he hated himself for it.

“Thank you for today,” Jongwoon thanked the staff as they prepared to leave. “Good work, everyone.”

Jungsoo was already out the door. “Yesung-ah, Eunhyuk-ah, I’m going first,” he said, waving at them goodbye.

Jongwoon nodded. “Take care, hyung.”

It was time to go home. Jongwoon just needed to bid goodbye to Hyukjae as well, and then he was going to drown himself in useless thoughts once more while lying on his bed. He had fun today, but being in the same room with Hyukjae was making him nervous now. He needed to go and clear his head.

“Hyukjae-ya, I’m leaving too,” Jongwoon said as he finished arranging his things. “I’ll call you later, okay?”

Jongwoon patted him on the shoulder and his heel, ready to leave.

“Hyung.”

Hyukjae’s voice was quiet, but Jongwoon heard him clearly. He turned back towards the younger, feeling a knot form in his throat for some reason.

“...Are you really…” Hyukjae began, but his voice trailed off when a staff member entered the room, seemingly searching for something on the dresser. He watched them fumble for a while before finally finding what they were looking for, then promptly left through the door.

Hyukjae turned his gaze back on Jongwoon who was looking at him nervously.

“What is it?” Jongwoon asked softly.

Hyukjae’s expression was serious. “Hyung.” He stepped forward and moved his head closer, searching for something in the older’s eyes. “Do you…”

Before Hyukjae could finish his sentence, their managers already entered the room, reminding them to leave. Hyukjae and Jongwoon nodded and followed after them.

Hyukjae stopped Jongwoon before they went through the exit.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae said quietly, looking straight into Jongwoon’s eyes, “don’t be scared.” He smiled, a little sadly. “I’m afraid, too, honestly.

“But I hope you now believe me. That I love you more than anything.” His eyes were so tender, Jongwoon could feel his own heart breaking. “I’ll always be there for you.”

Hyukjae let go of Jongwoon’s arm, and then they both went to their respective vans. Jongwoon waved to the fans as they passed by, and when he settled into the car, his thoughts became muddled once more.

 

“I’ll always be there for you.”

 

Jongwoon buried his face in his hands.

 

“I love you more than anything.”

 

Why…?

Why him?

Why him, of all people?

Was he even deserving of Hyukjae’s love?

What…

Just what was he so afraid of…?

The minutes passed by just like that. Jongwoon had always thought of himself as an indecisive person, so when faced with such an important decision such as this, he was at a loss. He didn’t know what he really wanted. Hadn’t he waited so long for this? And now that his wish was coming true right before his eyes, he was still in denial. He was still trying to reject it so desperately.

How long was he going to deprive himself of good things?

Just why was he still so terribly insecure… even after all these years…?

“...Yesung-ssi?”

Jongwoon raised his head, startled. “Ah, yeah?” he asked.

The manager was peering at him curiously. “Your phone is ringing.”

Jongwoon instantly registered the ringtone in his ears and took out his phone in surprise. Had he been so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t hear his phone?

When he looked at the caller ID on his screen, he was shocked even further.

Hyukjae.

Hyukjae was calling him.

Swallowing, Jongwoon was about to accept the call when it suddenly ended.

Huh?

Jongwoon was about to call him back when he immediately received a message from said person.

 

Eunhyuk

💬 why didn’t you answer my call?

💬 but you usually pick up quickly 🥺☹️

💬 hyung

💬 come to the dorms

💬 i have to tell you something

 

Jongwoon’s breath caught in his throat.

 

you couldn’t have told me that earlier? 💬

why now, hyukjae? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 because i want to see you right now

💬 hyung

💬 i don’t want to regret anything anymore

 

what are you talking about? 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i told you back then, didn’t i?

💬 that if you won’t make me yours,

💬 then i’ll make you mine.

 

hyukjae 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 let me call you one more time

 

Jongwoon’s mind was scrambling for a coherent thought. This was all happening too fast.

Before he knew it, his phone was ringing again. Jongwoon took a deep breath before answering.

“Hello?”

“Hyung.”

Jongwoon’s voice caught in his throat. “...Yes?”

“I realized it earlier today.”

“R—Realized what?”

“That I don’t want to wait any longer.”

It was like time stopped for Jongwoon at that moment. His skin tingled, and heat was spreading from his chest to all parts of his body.

“I…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Hyukjae said quickly. “I know you’re still in the van with manager-hyung. But I’m here in the dorms, all alone.”

Jongwoon was about to ask him what he implied by that when Hyukjae’s voice came on again.

“Do you remember that day, hyung?”

Jongwoon was confused. “What day?”

“You know, that day… when we were messaging each other and you became cold and distant afterwards.”

Recognition flashed in Jongwoon’s eyes and he clenched his free hand into a fist, feeling the guilt spike in his chest.

“Y—Yeah…”

“Well…” Hyukjae began slowly. “That day… you asked me why I fell in love with you, right? You said I couldn’t even answer you.

“But I couldn’t tell you the reason why because I wasn’t sure myself, either.”

Jongwoon blinked, and he unconsciously tightened his grip on his phone, preparing himself for what Hyukjae was about to say next.

“And when I confessed a part of what I felt when I confronted you in the parking lot,” Hyukjae continued on, “I think you didn’t believe me, so I called you to talk more about it and confess everything I feel. So…” Hyukjae swallowed nervously. “I hope you’ll listen to me completely this time, and trust in my words.”

A lump rose to Jongwoon’s throat, but he listened on silently.

Hyukjae breathed in before resuming. “...You asked me why I chose you, right? Why you, of all people. I can’t answer that exactly, hyung, because honestly, everything just… happened the way it is. I met you, I noticed you, I got to know you, and then... I fell for you.”

Hyukjae’s voice turned softer.

“You filled my mind and made me nervous for some reason. I tried going with the flow, I tried denying it many times. But you grew so big in my life. You became so much bigger in my heart compared to the other members.”

“Hyukjae…” Jongwoon whispered, overcome with emotion.

“You’re one of the reasons why I could endure through the long days, through sufferings that would’ve given me a lot more difficulty if I never thought of you as my inspiration to do better… and to become the best person I can be.”

“...” Jongwoon looked out the window at that moment, refusing to show his face in the manager’s direction.

Hyukjae’s voice was filled with warmth as he continued on, “And that’s because I saw how hard you worked to get to where you are now. You plowed through the industry with your own talent and effort. You were that cool hyung to me, and no matter what anybody said, and even though we teased you for it sometimes, you were always handsome in my eyes. That’s the truth.”

Jongwoon chuckled a little, already overly emotional at this point.

“I’m always thankful to you for taking care of me and watching out for me all these years,” Hyukjae said tenderly. “I’m always sorry because I keep annoying you just so I can get your attention and make you laugh.

“But, Yesung-hyung… believe me, I really love you.”

There was silence on both ends after that.

However, Jongwoon’s breath was undoubtedly taken away by that last statement, and he suddenly felt tears welling up in his eyes.

But they weren’t tears of sadness.

I…

Finally…

It had been hard. It had been so difficult for Jongwoon to accept everything, to adjust to all the changes in his own body and heart as well as the feelings of the people around him. For a long time, he really believed that nobody could love him for who he truly was, that nobody would ever be able to handle being with him for a lifetime. He wrapped his mind around this false truth and deprived himself of good things, for he feared that if he pursued happiness, he would lose it so quickly, so devastatingly.

Life was filled with ephemeral things, and he thought love was one of them.

But s proved him wrong. Even after all these years, they were still sticking together during the good and the bad times. They still contacted each other whenever they could and there were no such false feelings between them. Jongwoon realized that now. They were a group who was always too honest with each other, which was why they often had fights and would make up soon after.

And Hyukjae proved him wrong, too. Although the guilt was eating at Jongwoon on the inside due to the constant hurt he caused towards the younger, he felt so free at the same time, and it was as though he was finally able to get out of the birdcage he’d trapped himself in all these years.

Truly, he was probably the biggest fool in the universe.

But now, he had the chance to make things right. His heart was encouraging him to. His brain was telling him to go. To go, now.

“I believe you. I’m… I’m sorry for keeping you waiting all this time, Hyukjae-ya,” Jongwoon finally said in a shaky voice. “I’m going over there right now.”

Jongwoon hung up and turned to the manager.

“Hyung, can you go back and drop me off in front of the dorm?” Jongwoon asked, unable to contain the wide grin of relief spreading across his face. “I forgot something important there.”

 

✾

 

The sound of the doorbell snapped Hyukjae out of his incessant thoughts. Fingers trembling as he put his phone down on the sofa, he stood up and walked slowly towards the direction of the front door, mind numb. This was it. This was really it. Jongwoon was here, and it was because he finally accepted that the two of them had feelings for each other.

Finally, after all these years.

It had been difficult for him to break down Jongwoon’s walls. The barrier Jongwoon had placed between them was unexpectedly strong despite the older man’s usual kind, affectionate personality. In the past, Hyukjae was afraid to break it down into pieces, scared of how Jongwoon might react, scared of what the latter might do next. Jongwoon was a fairly unpredictable person in nature, so Hyukjae did his best to tread carefully, to make Jongwoon feel nothing but good things from their friendship.

If Hyukjae could, he would give everything to Jongwoon. In his heart, there was only Jongwoon.

It had always been Jongwoon only.

So when Hyukjae opened the door and saw Jongwoon standing there, head lowered and focused on browsing something on his phone, he was struck by a sudden familiar feeling. In his mind, he was momentarily swept back into the past, back to the times when he’d tried to catch Jongwoon’s attention, to the moments when he craved for Jongwoon to notice him that he just did everything he could to make Jongwoon look his way.

Look at me.

Jongwoon lifted his eyes from his phone and looked at Hyukjae, his lips forming a small, shy smile.

Hyukjae was silent, gaze studying the older man’s features.

Think of me only.

Hyukjae’s hand shot out and grabbed Jongwoon by the arm, dragging the latter inside. Jongwoon, shocked, instinctively put his phone inside his pocket to prevent it from accidentally falling.

I’m going to make you mine.

Not letting go of Jongwoon, Hyukjae closed the door behind them and turned to Jongwoon with a dark gaze.

Then he twisted the older man around and slammed him against the door.

“Oof!” Jongwoon’s back hit the wall with a thud. “Hy—”

He was unable to finish his sentence because Hyukjae already cradled his face in his hands, tilted his head, and kissed him.

What was this feeling? Jongwoon felt palpitations all over his body, skin tingling, prickling, growing warmer and warmer by the second. The kiss was honestly mind-blowing, the way Hyukjae was pressing against him, kissing so desperately that his whole body was curving against Jongwoon, increasing the heat and tension between them.

Lungs running out of air, Jongwoon couldn’t handle it and grabbed Hyukjae by the shoulders, pushing him away just a little bit, staying just close enough for him to murmur something into the younger’s mouth.

“You… You’re… haah…” Jongwoon gasped harshly. “You’re… making it h–hard for me to breathe…”

“C–Can you blame me…?” Hyukjae said, equally as breathless. “I’ve been wanting… to do this for s–so long…”

No more words were exchanged between them after that, for they moved again and tasted each other’s mouths. The heat was increasing so much that it was radiating from their bodies.

Jongwoon reached upwards and tangled his fingers into Hyukjae’s hair, giving it a harsh tug. The momentary pain caused Hyukjae to gasp out, and Jongwoon slipped his tongue inside, swallowing the moans that came after.

Feeling the urge to be dominant, Jongwoon held Hyukjae tightly by the waist and moved them forward until he was able to slam the younger against the wall across them. Unable to resist, he bit on Hyukjae’s lip, and the small groan he earned brought a feeling of satisfaction.

As if out of revenge, Hyukjae was the one who moved them forward this time, legs clumsily walking wherever their dizziness would lead them. They stumbled along their steps until Hyukjae shot an arm out, slamming a palm against the wall they were approaching. His other arm followed after, effectively caging Jongwoon inside this small space as they broke apart, gasping for air.

The sound of their pants was the only thing they could hear, and their stares never averted, as though challenging the other to look away.

“...You’re so daring, trapping me like this,” Jongwoon was the first to speak, his cheeks and neck completely flushed red, and his lip balm was smeared at the side. He was staring down at Hyukjae who looked so delectable at that moment, hair messy and sticking out in different directions, eyes glassy and unfocused, and lips satisfyingly red and swollen.

“I…” Hyukjae swallowed thickly. “Where d—did you learn to kiss like that…?”

The question obviously caught Jongwoon off-guard, because he let out a bewildered chuckle. “Hmm… that’s…” He leaned towards Hyukjae again, their faces impossibly close, a bold, mischievous smile curving his lips. “...for me to know and better for you not to find out.”

Honestly, Hyukjae didn’t want to know, either. He had felt jealous enough over the past few years of the people Jongwoon worked closely with, and even their own members.

Just like what Kyuhyun said, the present time was what was more important.

“Forget it. You’re here in front of me now, that’s all that matters.” Hyukjae said, and the plain sincerity in his voice warmed Jongwoon’s heart. “I’m happy enough that you came to me.”

Eyes fluttering shut, Hyukjae leaned forward, and when he felt the familiar feel of Jongwoon’s lips, he moved against them warmly and eagerly. Jongwoon responded quickly by putting his hands on the Hyukjae’s back, fingerprints pressing under the younger’s top, drawing gentle circles against that small strip of bare skin.

A shiver ran through Hyukjae’s spine, and his heart jumped to his throat when he felt Jongwoon’s hands eventually grasping the back of his thighs.

“Wrap your legs around me,” Jongwoon murmured into the kiss.

Hyukjae obeyed, mind still incredibly dizzy and delirious from the warm, deliberate touches and the sensation of Jongwoon’s hot tongue exploring the cavern of his mouth.

When Jongwoon felt that he secured Hyukjae better, he carried the younger towards the direction of the living room. Hyukjae threw his arms around Jongwoon’s neck for balance without breaking the kiss.

“Slow… Slow down,” Jongwoon panted against Hyukjae’s mouth as the younger began reciprocating more feverishly, more urgently, skin on fire and heart pounding like crazy.

In the process, Jongwoon stumbled against the armrest and both of them fell onto the sofa, Hyukjae on top with Jongwoon lying under him.

Jongwoon caressed Hyukjae’s face as he continued kissing him, squeezing his eyes shut as he felt hands roaming down his back, fingers tangled in his hair. The heat was becoming too unbearable. He needed to feel more of Hyukjae.

But as they broke apart once more and Hyukjae was in the middle of pulling at the older’s shirt, Jongwoon forced himself to speak.

“I… don’t you want to talk… a—about us, first?” Jongwoon managed to say, repressing a shudder at the cold air hitting his bare skin.

Hyukjae stared at him as though searching for something in his eyes. “…Are you…” he breathed out in shallow gasps, still delirious from the excitement, “…are you ready to tell me…?”

Jongwoon nodded shakily, not trusting his voice. He needed this, and Hyukjae needed to hear it as well.

The younger adjusted their positions so that they would feel more comfortable. Afterwards, he reached out and cupped the side of Jongwoon’s cheek with an understanding expression on his face.

“All right. Tell me everything.”

 

✾

 

In the end, they made themselves more comfortable and laid together on the sofa, entwined in each other’s arms. They were lying side by side, with Jongwoon’s arm under Hyukjae’s head, fingers threading through the younger’s strands. Hyukjae’s face was pressed against Jongwoon’s chest, his breathing slow and rhythmic as though he were peacefully asleep.

“...I thought about it for a long time,” Jongwoon began, his voice soft and melodic, drifting into Hyukjae’s ears and making him sigh contentedly. “About what I think I might feel for you.”

Hyukjae shifted in his position slightly and gripped the material of Jongwoon’s shirt, indicating that he was listening.

Jongwoon did his best to speak. “...I think… what I fear the most is being vulnerable. In the past, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, displaying all my emotions to others like an open book. I lived life freely back then, never worrying about what people would think of me or what they’d say about me, because I was invisible.

“Nobody cared about me, and my friends were only there when they had something they wanted from me. I realized that too late during the times when I really needed them but they didn’t bother to be there for me.

“And when I found love, I grabbed onto it, I clutched it tightly to my chest, afraid that if I let go, I would be all alone.”

Hyukjae said nothing, but he slowly pressed a kiss against Jongwoon’s chest as a gesture of comfort.

Jongwoon smiled at that, but it held no cheerfulness. “But... even love betrayed me. I was never loved. I was never cared for. Everything wasn’t genuine. It was either politeness, pity, or condescension.”

Jongwoon’s expression turned somber.

“I guess that’s when my insecurity started…” he whispered. “Those were rough times and they’re long past me now, but I… those memories… They were like ghosts, haunting me at the back of my mind, taunting me every time I tried to put myself first, every time I tried to do something for myself and not for others.”

Jongwoon took in a deep breath.

“...That’s why I couldn’t believe it when you said you loved me. Even back then when you were clearly giving me hints, I purposely ignored them, or simply thought of them as nothing special, nothing to think deeply about.” Jongwoon smiled wryly. “That’s how I’ve lived my life all these years, just taking things in stride, never taking anything too seriously aside from my family and career. I felt that I didn’t deserve whatever attention you gave to me and that soon you would grow tired and move on to someone else.”

Hyukjae’s grip on him tightened, but still said nothing.

Jongwoon squeezed his shoulder in reassurance before continuing.

“When I began to notice you,” he began with a tender tone this time, his fingers now resting against Hyukjae’s nape, “I was seeking for validation that I thought I really needed. You know, right?” His voice turned light. “That I had a complex about my looks. I thought I was ugly and that nobody could possibly notice me or be intrigued enough to get to know me.”

Hyukjae slowly pulled away at that moment, tilting his head upwards so he could meet gazes with Jongwoon. He didn’t say anything though and just simply stared at the older man with an unreadable emotion shining in his eyes.

Jongwoon reached out with his free hand to brush away the bangs from the younger’s eyes. “I can’t remember it exactly since it was so long ago, but I recall you saying something to me that made me feel noticed. I guess that was when I started seeking your attention…” He chuckled a bit, the shyness beginning to creep up on him. “So… when you started teasing me… when you told me you’re my number one fan… when you started hanging out with me after the deep talk we had that night… I felt validated for the first time in my life.

“And I… wanted you more after that.” Jongwoon took a deep, shaky breath. “But the more I thought about it, the more I realized… was I really interested in you for who you are, or was I only chasing after your attention just to fulfill my own selfish desires? Was I annoying you too much? Was I becoming burdensome to you? Were you going to lose interest in me too, just like all the others? Was that interest just a passing feeling, and was your confession just a show of pity? These thoughts constantly plagued my mind.”

Hyukjae remained silent, though his eyes were starting to look a little moist.

“I always thought that I didn’t deserve good things in life for myself,” Jongwoon continued on, shutting his eyes momentarily as his true thoughts began to spill out. “I always restrained myself whenever I got too close with someone. I always vented to our members about my problems but even though you guys listened to me and supported me all throughout the years, I always had this nagging feeling in my head that sowed seeds of doubt.

“‘My members are just nice to me because we’ve been together for so long’. ‘My members are secretly annoyed at me but they’re too kind to tell it to my face’. These remarks popped into my mind every so often. I know now that they weren’t true at all, but that was what I felt back then.” Jongwoon sighed a little. “I felt that with you, too. I thought you were irritated with me at first, so I tried to distance myself after that. But then you started teasing me and doing all sorts of things to catch my attention…”

Hyukjae snorted at that, effectively breaking the ice that had formed between them. Jongwoon couldn’t help but chuckle along with him for a moment.

“…so then I thought, well, everyone knows I get lonely easily… They know I talk too much… What if Hyukjae is just being kind and is doing this for me out of pity?” Jongwoon shook his head. “I was really lost in my own world. You’ve always been so genuine with me, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. I’m sorry I refused to believe you. I’m…” Jongwoon lowered his head, a sigh escaping his lips. “I’m sorry for invalidating your feelings. That was wrong of me. I never wanted to make you sad, but… I just thought of myself only. I’m so sorry.”

When Jongwoon felt wetness against his skin, he realized that he was crying.

Maybe it was because he finally let out these feelings that he’d kept hidden inside him for so long. Maybe because he finally expressed his apology towards Hyukjae, and thus made himself feel free.

“I understand…” Hyukjae’s quiet voice reached his ears, making Jongwoon look at him in surprise.

Hyukjae smiled. “I’m glad you told me everything. I know it’s not easy to tell somebody all this…” He in a breath, slowly. “I’m happy you chose to tell me, though. It makes me feel that I’m someone you can depend on. So… thank you, hyung.”

He opened his arms, and Jongwoon leaned gratefully into his embrace.

“...As you know, I’m a simple person,” Hyukjae said lightly, trying to brighten the atmosphere a little. “If this means that you’re ready to accept my feelings and be with me from this moment on, then I’m fine with it. If talking about it finally made you feel free from the demons that were torturing you on the inside, then I’m glad. The important thing is that you’re here with me, in my arms… I can’t ask for anything more…”

Jongwoon pulled back slowly to look at him, features so soft that he seemed like he could either cry or smile in the next instant. “You’re too kind,” he whispered.

“Well… I love you, you know. I’ve long accepted everything that’s you.” Hyukjae gave an embarrassed chuckle at the cheesy words that escaped his lips. “So, yeah… anyway, I’m an important person to you too, aren’t I?” he joked, expecting Jongwoon to play along.

However, Jongwoon shook his head instead. “I wouldn’t call you an important person,” he said, smiling so warmly that it made Hyukjae’s heart stop for a second. “Because you’re precious to me.”

Hyukjae stared at him, trying to comprehend his meaning.

Jongwoon tilted his head, smile never fading. “An important person may become less important over time,” he said slowly, reaching out to Hyukjae’s cheek, “but a precious person… breaks your heart.

“If someone is able to break your heart, that means they’re precious to you. You love them enough to let them into your heart and affect you so deeply.” Jongwoon leaned closer and pressed a soft kiss against Hyukjae’s eyelid. “And you’re the person I cherish the most out of everyone else.

“You made my world a whole lot brighter, and I love you too, because you’re you. I loved and I still love everything about you, and that’s never going to change.”

Jongwoon felt a tremble against his lips and moved away to see Hyukjae staring up at him with glassy eyes.

“...Don’t cry,” Jongwoon whispered, brushing his thumb against Hyukjae’s cheek to wipe the stray tear away.

“How can I not cry? Stupid hyung,” Hyukjae said shakily, gripping the front material of Jongwoon’s shirt and burying himself in the older man’s chest once again.

Jongwoon smiled and hummed a sweet melody as he pulled Hyukjae closer, tracing soothing circles on the younger’s back. He continued to hum until Hyukjae used his arms to hug Jongwoon back, pressing his face further into the older’s shirt, smelling Jongwoon’s natural scent and cologne, basking in the warmth of his hyung’s embrace.

“...You’re singing my song,” Hyukjae mumbled as he recognized the familiar melody. “Eunhyuk’s song.”

Jongwoon almost smiled, but he didn’t stop humming until he felt Hyukjae drifting off into a peaceful sleep in his arms.

And not long after, he joined him.

 

✾

 

Jongwoon soon woke up to the sound of an unfamiliar alarm.

“It’s five in the morning already…?” Jongwoon muttered sleepily as he checked his phone after waking up.

Beside him, Hyukjae was yawning, gaze irritated as he promptly turned off the alarm on his phone. “...I’m surprised you even fell asleep with me last night,” he mumbled. “Sorry about the alarm, by the way… I wanted to fix my sleeping schedule, so…”

“Yeah… I fell asleep singing you a lullaby,” Jongwoon said, only half-listening. “And it’s okay, I’m usually awake around this time, too.”

“Even you fell asleep to the sound of your own voice…” Hyukjae remarked, snorting.

“Shut it, I’m still tired,” Jongwoon snapped, but there was no real heat to his voice. He opened his phone and started checking the notifications, feeling another yawn creep up his throat. It was strange in a way since he usually had trouble falling asleep, but the emotional confessions yesterday night must’ve really drained him a lot.

Hyukjae turned his body around to see what Jongwoon was doing on the screen. “What’s that?”

“Fans’ reactions,” Jongwoon answered simply.

“To what?”

“Our video.”

Hyukjae blinked. “…What video?”

Jongwoon laughed. “Oh, you didn’t know, did you? Then again, it’s not like you subscribed to my Bubble, anyway.” Still smirking, Jongwoon showed Hyukjae the video on his phone.

Hyukjae’s eyes grew into an almost impossible size. “What the hell! Hyung, seriously??”

“Look, look, that’s my favorite part,” Jongwoon said, laughing harder as he pointed at the frame where he rested his chin on Hyukjae’s shoulder and the latter looked like he was a victim in a horror movie.

“Agh, stop it! It’s embarrassing!” Hyukjae whined, trying to reach for the phone. Jongwoon was faster, however, and brought it out of the younger’s reach.

Hyukjae pouted. “I bet you can’t post how much you love me on SNS,” he began to tease.

“Oh?” Jongwoon turned to him with a raised eyebrow. “Is that a challenge?”

“Depends if you want to take it as one,” Hyukjae said, grinning.

“Hmm…” Jongwoon checked the date on his phone and laughed. “Looks like today is my lucky day~”

“Huh?” Hyukjae said.

Jongwoon didn’t answer him and was busy doing something on his phone. Hyukjae, pouting because he wasn’t being given attention anymore, hugged Jongwoon instead and decided to go back to sleep.

Meanwhile, Jongwoon changed his display picture on Weibo to 520, and then posted a story on Instagram, a photo of him and Hyukjae in the Bubble video with a cute heart filter that he found.

When he finished posting and was about to tell Hyukjae, he saw that the younger had quickly fallen asleep on his chest, breathing in and out deeply in a rhythmic manner. Jongwoon smiled at the sight and rubbed Hyukjae’s back soothingly, lovingly.

He’d just show it to him later, then. It would be fun to see Hyukjae’s cute reactions in person.

Jongwoon put down his phone and hugged Hyukjae tightly, closing his eyes as well. He felt so warm, so content, and so relieved at the same time.

Finally, the desperate longing in his heart was gone.

Replaced by a love so sweet and tender that it brought a big, genuine smile to his face.

From now on, I’ll only make you happy.

 

✾

Extra:

[the next day]

 

🌙 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 i already miss you too

 

143 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 what’s with the random number so suddenly? 🤨

 

it’s not random, idiot 😂 💬

it means 💬

i love you 💕 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 😤 you can just tell it to me straight!

 

hmm, you’re right 💬

🥰 💬

i miss you and i love you, lee hyukjae 💬

 

Eunhyuk

💬 . . .

💬 , i’m feeling so giddy inside

💬 forget it, go back to using the emojis instead

💬 my heart is too weak for this

 

🤣🤣🤣 💬

you’re so adorable 💬

my cute little idiot 💬

 

fin