007

DERANGER
your head is spinning. your vision isn't clear.
 
maybe you've had too many drinks.
 
different emotions and feelings are taking over your body, and you feel like you're drowning.
 
everything is just surreal.
 
she lays you down and kisses you for the nth time that night. you couldn't tell if you're on a bed, a sofa, or a carpeted floor. but there's a soft feeling against your back.
 
you don't even remember how you get there. and it doesn't matter how you get there.
 
what's important now is her, her kisses, her warmth, her softness.
 
if you could live in this moment forever, you would.
 
---
 
you wake up on an expensive-looking sofa bed--alone and, surprisingly, still wearing your clothes from last night.
 
you push yourself up, wondering why you are still in your clothes.
 
did you had with seulgi and get dressed after?
 
despite the confusion, you look around the room. its cosiness and elegance far exceed the average-looking motels you've been into.
 
seulgi surely knows where to take her women, huh?
 
but what captures your attention is the simplicity of the room you are in. there's one small table with two chairs in the dining area. a small personal fridge in the kitchen. a digital wall clock by the door.
 
apart from that, there are no other furnitures or clutters around. and there's no tv anywhere?
 
your body jerks when the front door opens. seulgi appears in a hoodie and track pants, holding 7-eleven brown paper bags.
 
"oh. hey. you're up." she kicks the door close puts the bags down on the counter. "good morning."
 
"ah. good. morning." still not sure what's happening, you try recalling the events from last night. to your dismay, nothing registered except maybe for some fragments of the two of you kissing.
 
"i bought aspirin for you. i'm sure you'll have a nasty hangover after last night." seulgi pulls out two food boxes from one of the paper bags, opens the microwave oven, slams it inside, and turns it on.
 
you quirk an eyebrow.
 
do motels usually have microwave ovens?
 
and why is seulgi in a hoodie and track pants? did she go back to her apartment to change?
 
unless you're already...
 
"am... am i in your apartment...?" you sputter.
 
she turns to you. "yeah. why?"
 
"you mean we..." you point alternately between yourself and her. "we did it here, in your place?"
 
seulgi laughs and claps her hands. "you're so cute!" she crosses the distance between the two of you and kneels on the bed. she cups your cheeks and kisses you.
 
you swear that's the best morning kiss you received in your life.
 
she pulls back and tidies your hair. "we were into that last night. i was about to your blouse, but you suddenly pulled back and ran to the bathroom to barf in my toilet."
 
you groan and shut your eyes in embarrassment.
 
"you still seem to be in your senses tho, because you gargled a lot after barfing," she adds, chuckling. "you even asked for a glass of water before plopping down here and passing out completely."
 
"so, we just... slept? like literally sleep together last night?"
 
seulgi hums. "moral lesson, never get professor bae drunk if you want to have with her. now i know why you don't drink too much if you're boyfriend's picking you up from the bar, huh..."
 
you fold your legs and hides your blushing face in your knees. "i'm sorry for passing out on you."
 
"it's okay. i wouldn't enjoy doing it anyway with someone as wasted as you are. won't be fun without hearing you moan my name."
 
you slap her playfully.
 
her smile slowly shifts into a serious expression. "how do you feel now? headache?" she pushes a stray hair off your face.
 
"i feel a little hangover, but it's bearable. how much did i drink last night?"
 
"a lot. i guess you got carried away when you told me all about your family and your frustrations."
 
you blink. "i did what?"
 
"you told me about your family, how you love them and how you resent them because they always make you feel left out," she says. "you told me how you took up law school only because that's what your parents want, and you thought you'd finally get their attention. you also told me about your life with your boyfriend."
 
you are more horrified now. "and what exactly did i tell you about my life?"
 
seulgi smirks and lies on her side, an elbow propped on the bed. "that you like kissing me more?"
 
your face is warming up. "you made that up."
 
"oh did i?" seulgi looks up, a finger on her chin. "how about the part where you admitted how you sometimes fake just so your boyfriend would feel good about himself?"
 
you groan. yup. that's definitely your story.
 
"don't worry. your secret's safe with me." seulgi pinches your cheek.
 
you sigh. "anything else interesting i told you about?"
 
"hm. aside from how you keep thinking about me?" she asks, and you smack her. "well, i think i hate the part when you said you've given up on tteokbokki snacks when you're a kid just because you want to be like your unni who doesn't like it. you thought if you'd be more like her, your parents will give you more attention."
 
you force a small smile. "don't get me wrong, my parents are never cruel to me. it's just that i grew up with them telling me to do things the way my sister did. she's gifted with looks and brains. because of that, they have high expectations of me too. i grew up being told how perfect she is and that i should strive to be like her."
 
"and were you able to be like her?" seulgi asks.
 
you shake your head. "i don't have the brains like hers for medicine, so i need to think of other options to match her phase somehow--and that's getting into law school. i barely graduated. took the bar and failed it, so i stopped. every time it gets brought up, i feel guilty for disappointing my parents. that's the only thing that will make me a good daughter to them."
 
"hm. have you ever contradicted your parents?"
 
"what do you mean?"
 
"it just seems to me you're somewhat forced to make decisions according to their wishes, only because you want to please them."
 
you sigh again. "i did, several times before. but whenever i don't give in to their ideas, they always do something--maybe not intentionally--that will make me lose confidence in my decision. and if i fail, the never-ending 'i told you so' monolog starts. in the end, it's always better to do as they say. if they are happy, i am at peace too."
 
seulgi sighs. she lays on her back and stares up at the ceiling. "does it make you happy to please them?"
 
"i guess." you shrug. "as long as they get to notice me and won't treat me differently, i'm okay with anything."
 
"but are you really happy?"
 
"huh?"
 
"are you living your life the way you want it, or are you just living your life the way they want it?"
 
you look away, resting your cheek against your knee.
 
you could have wanted lots of things for yourself but didn't express because you don't want to disappoint your parents. that's how you've lived your life since you were a kid, with them being the decision-maker even on major things in your life, only because you want their approval in everything first.
 
"you shouldn't waste your life trying to please other people, because no matter what you do, they won't be satisfied," you hear seulgi say. "you can sacrifice your happiness and ruin your life for them. but trust me, they still won't be happy. and the sad thing is, after everything you've done, they will still be disappointed. you'll just end up feeling worse than before."
 
everything she said hits you right in the heart. you want to ask her where she got those, but your feelings seem to have taken over your brain.
 
because instead of talking, you find yourself shifting in your place and leaning down to kiss her.
 
you only pull away when the microwave dings.
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